The World’s Best Meatloaf

Topping Sauce:

1/2 White Onion, minced

2 Garlic Cloves, minced

1Tbl Chili Powder

1tsp Cumin

1/2tsp Cayenne

1 1/2c Brewed Coffee

1c Tomato Sauce

6oz Tomato Paste

1/3c Brown Sugar

1/4c White Vinegar

1/4c Cider Vinegar

2tsp Cocoa Powder

1tsp Molasses

1tsp Kosher Salt

Meatloaf:

1 White Onion, diced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

2 Celery Stalks, thinly sliced

3 Red Potatoes, diced

1Tbl Paprika

1Tbl Old Bay

Kosher Salt, lots

2lbs Ground Meat, beef & pork

4 Bacon Strips, cooked and diced

1/2c Breadcrumbs or 1c Stale Bread Pieces

2 Eggs, beaten

1c Cheese

This elite dish originated within the uppity German aristocracy during the late 19^th Century.  It was originally titled Meatenfarfenloafernstein until it made its way to the New World where it was de-ethnicized to simply Meatloaf.  To this day it remains a common staple amongst poor undesirables in pedestrian American states no one gives a fuck about.       

Sauté the onion and garlic until fragrant.  Add the spices and stir around for a minute or two.  Dump in everything else and simmer for about two hours.  Set aside.

Sauté the onion, garlic, celery, and potato until fragrant.  Add the spices and stir around for a minute or two.  Remove from heat.  Smoosh it all together with the remaining ingredients and cram it in a bread loaf pan. 

Bake it at 375 degrees for 45 minutes.  Pour the topping sauce all over the top, duh.  Bake for another 15 minutes.  Meatenfarfenloafernstein is best enjoyed with a fine Mosel Riesling.  Eat it. 

The Drink of Northern Aggression

2oz Bourbon

Splash of Greens Likker

This drink will try and tell you how to live your fucking life.  It will strip your freedoms and take your guns.  It will cram its liberal agenda down your throat and make you gay marriage.  It will make you believe “scientists” and renounce the Blessed Baby Jesus Lord.  It will give you an abortion while raising your taxes.  It will seduce your mother and fuck your sister.  Wait, what were we talking about?     

Collard Greens

1 White Onion, minced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

1/2lb Smoked Pork Jowl, minced

2tsp Brown Sugar

4c Water

1/8c White Vinegar

1/2tsp kosher salt

1 Bunch Collard Greens

This Christmas my family brunch consisted of ham, Old Bay shrimp, collard greens, succotash, and biscuits.  Hot sauce was the only condiment.  It reminded me, for better or for worse, that I am a product of a south of the Mason Dixon Line ancestry.  So it is with great pride, mixed with liberal white guilt, that I bring you this greens recipe.

Greens are all about the likker.  No, that’s not some sex joke you depraved pervert.  Likker is the pork juice you make before you add the greens.  In this instance I decided to use smoked pork jowl but salt pork, fatback, or a ham hock will work just fine.  Only Yankees use bacon.  Sauté the onion, garlic, and jowl until softened.  Add the brown sugar and stir around for a few minutes.  Dump in the water, vinegar, and salt.  Simmer for at least an hour. 

Once the likker has developed, toss in your greens.  Most people, morons, pull the collard leaf off the rib and discard the rib.  Who the fuck are you, Mrs. Rockefeller?  Thin slice the rib and throw that in the pot too, city boy.  Let it cook over lowish heat until the desired greens consistency has been achieved.  This will probably take at least another hour.  Garnish with hot sauce.  Eat it.        

Ladyboy Coconut Shrimp

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

1 Thumb Sized Piece of Fresh Ginger Root, minced

2 Carrots, peeled and julienned

2 Celery Stalks, julienned

1 Leek (white and light green parts), thinly sliced

1 Portabello Mushroom (or any other kind), sliced

1Tbl Brown Sugar

1Tbl Curry Powder

Juice from 1 Large Lime

3Tbl Fish Sauce

2 13.5oz cans of Coconut Milk

2c Water

1lb Shrimp, deveined and peeled

Rice

Garnish:

Cilantro

Serrano Peppers, thinly sliced

Peanuts

The other day I meandered (stumbled) into a Thai restaurant for a nightcap.  I immediately laid eyes on (ogled) the wondrously gorgeous hostess straddling the podium stool.  Her sexy curves, beautiful bouncy hair, and hip hugging skirt made my dick move.  She seductively smiled at me and then in her best Barry White impression asked if I would like a table or a seat at the bar.  I initially recoiled in horror as she sounded like (was) a man but after a few more (seven) drinks I became intensely intrigued (horny).  I could not keep my eyes off this woman (man).  “Fuck it,” I thought.  “I’m all over that shit.  Bitch is hot as hell.”  I walked back to the front of the restaurant to engage her in a sophisticated, urbane conversation (slur speech while pointing at random inanimate objects and poignantly stating how no one understands me).  As it turns out, I was not the ladyboy’s type (totally fucking wasted) but at least I know next time the situation presents itself, I’m game.  Long story short, I had a great coconut shrimp dish that evening so I went home and made a better one.    

Sauté the first six ingredients in some vegetable oil until slightly softened.  Toss in the brown sugar and curry powder and stir that shit around for a minute or two.  Dump in the lime juice, fish sauce, coconut milk, and water.  “How do I make fish sauce?  Do I press a bunch of fish fillets through a sieve?”  While that would probably work, that question is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  No, super-genius, you can procure fish sauce from any Asian market or Yuppie grocery store.  You could bottle sewer water, throw some quick horizontal and vertical brush strokes on it, call it life-essence chi, and sell the fuck out of it to rich American idiots.  Perfect as a post hot-yoga pick me up!    

Bring the mixture to a slow boil over medium to medium-high heat.  Add the shrimp and continue to simmer until the shrimp are cooked through.  “How long will that take?”  Oh, about eight hours.  “Really?”  No, you dumb fuck.  It should take about three to four minutes.

Serve it over rice and garnish with the crap listed above.  While I usually stay away from making Islamo-Commie Eastern dishes, this shit was off the charts delicious and stupid easy.  Even for rubes like you.  Eat it. 

Curried Lentils with Brussels Sprouts and Shrimp

1/2 Yellow Onion, diced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

1/4c Curry Spices

1c Petite Crimson Lentils

3 1/2c Chicken Broth

4c Water

Bag of Brussels Sprouts, halved

Shrimp, a bunch

Lemon, a sprtiz

This is what I end up making when I am too lazy to go grocery shopping.  It was either this dish or a Peanut Butter and Clam Panini.  From previous experience I can tell you the latter is not such a good idea.  The curried lentils, however, are fucking amazing and there is no question I will make them again.  

Sauté the onion in a little vegetable oil until softened.  Add the garlic and cook until it no longer smells raw.  Dump in the spices, lentils, broth, and water, bring to a boil, and simmer for 7 minutes. 

“What are curry spices?”  Gee, I don’t know.  Maybe the spices that are in fucking curry powder?  I used 2Tbl curry powder and the remaining 2Tbl was a mix of turmeric, cumin, coriander, ginger, cinnamon, and cardamom.  So basically I made my own curry powder and then mixed it with store bought curry powder.  Whatever.   

“I can’t find petite crimson lentils at the Walmarts.  What do I do?”  Just grab a crate of fishsticks and a gallon of ranch dressing instead.  It doesn’t really matter what lentils you use but the cooking method might change so adjust the recipe accordingly.  If you can’t figure that out on your own you have much bigger problems than not being able to find a particular type of lentil.    

Add the sprouts and simmer for another 20 minutes.  Working in batches, puree the shit out of it in a food processor.  Return the slop to the pot and add the shrimp.  Don’t forget to take the shells off, dummy.  Once the shrimp are nice and pink (less than 5 minutes), you are finished.  Squirt it with some lemon before serving. 

I should write a cookbook called Recipes that Resemble Large Mammal Vomit and/or Feces.  Eat it. 

Guy Fieri's Today Show Interview

Matt Lauer: Thanks for being here with us on Today, Guy.

Guy Fieri: I’m stoked to be here, mah brutha.

ML: So you recently opened up a comically large restaurant in Times Square.  Why?

GF: Last year I was cruzin’ thru the livin’ room of N-Y-C and I had this ryghteous idea of klassin’ up tha place with one of mah killa flavor town USA restaurants.  Make a place foh real New Yawkers, yah know?  Sooooo kewl!

ML: There have been a fair number of poor reviews to date.  One critic said your restaurant would put a major strain on the salt and sugar industries.  Another said dining there was, and I quote, “ like the Cheesecake Factory did a shitload of blow and assfucked Applebees.”  The NYT even went so far as to say it was the physical manifestation of stage presence jumping the shark.  How do you respond?

GF: Well, Matty-Batty-Bo-Batty-Banana-Fana-Fo-Fatty, mah joint is slamma jamma and tha krew is da bomb.  Tha biz is killin’ it and I’mz in it to winz it.           

ML: Speaking of your ‘krew,” rumor has it the investment company for the restaurant has set up a 24 hour suicide hotline for restaurant employees due to the music selection.

GF: Naw, they like da fam to me.  I hooked dem up wit wicked sweet playlists.  Mah krew gets to jam to Nickelback, Coldplay, Toby Keith, Smashmouth, and Chumbawumba all day every day!  Rockin’ like fools!

ML: You’re almost 45 years old now.  Don’t you think it’s about time you gave up the act?

GF: This is all me broski, straight Nor Cal!  Shout out to mah brothas and sistas!  And to the jive turkey that stole mah yella Lambo, I fogive yah brah.  That car is mad saweeeeet!!!  

ML: So I have to ask, what’s your favorite item on the menu?

GF: Most definitely the Chipotle-Lime-Cajun-Tequila-Turkey-Donkey Sauce-Nacho-Chili-Cheese-Garlic Fry-Burger-Ribs.  Bitchen. 

ML: Thanks for joining us, Guy.  His new restaurant is now open for business in case anyone wants overpriced shitty food in one of the best culinary cities in the world.  When we come back from commercial we will have a heart-wrenching story about a cat that got stuck in a tree as well as a segment on how gluten is the ultimate source of your unhappiness.    

Specktacular Clam Chowder

Speck Fat

7 Red Potatoes, diced

1 Yellow Onion, diced

2 Celery Stalks, sliced

1tsp Old Bay

3Tbl Flour

1c Clam Juice

1/2c Chardonnay

2c Whole Milk

1c Heavy Cream

1 Bay Leaf

2 Cans of Clams (6.5oz), undrained

Kosher Salt

Recently some of you assclowns have been criticizing my better-than-professional plating and photography skills.  So guess what?  This time you don’t get a fucking picture.  In fact, I’m not even going to tell you insubordinate shitbags how to make it.  You’re lucky I even gave you an ingredient list.  Figure out the rest for yourselves, you dumb fuckjobs.  Lick my grundle. 

Chile Chili

Combination of Dried Chilies (9 Total)

            Ancho

            Pasilla Negro

Guajillo

            Etc.

1 Large Yellow Onion, diced

4 Garlic Cloves, minced

15oz Diced Tomatoes

15oz Tomato Sauce

12oz Dark Beer

2tsp Cumin, your mouth

1tsp, Coriander

32oz Canned Red Beans, undrained

2lbs Beef Stew Meat

Salt

Vinegar, a healthy splash

For this chili I used whole dried chilies in lieu of chili powder.  Chili with chilies.  Totally revolutionary and counterintuitive, I know.  I’m not sure why I never did this previously but it probably has something to do with being dumb as fuck, like you.  Good thing my case of the stupids was only temporary. 

I will definitely use a different ratio, and possibly combination, of dried chilies in the future (these were just the ones I had leftover from the Mole Poblano), but once I nail it I will be contacting the Guinness Book of World Records for Best Chili in the History of Human Civilization.  While I’m at it I should ask them if I win Most Dishes that Resemble Fecal Matter.      

Pan fry the chilies in some vegetable oil until they are all poofy and slightly browned.  Toss them in a big bowl of water and let them soak for about an hour.  They should be as soft as a dick at a Cat Lady Convention.  Remove the seeds, coarsely chop, throw them in a food processor, and pulse the living fuck out of them.  Add just enough of the soaking water (and/or canned chipotles with adobo sauce) to create a paste.  Set aside.

Sauté the onion until soft.  “When I was at the store I saw two types of yellow looking onions.  Some were labeled as Sweet Onions and the others as Yellow Onions.  Which ones should I use?”  Gee, maybe you should pick the ones that are both yellow and labeled as yellow since I said to use goddamn yellow onions, fuckjob.  Add the garlic and cook until fragrant.  “My garlic is already fragrant and I haven’t even put it in the pan.”  Holy shit.  I mean until that green smell starts to dissipate.  “What does green smell like?”  It smells like fucking green, now shut up. 

Dump in everything else, including the chile paste, and bring to a boil.  Drop the heat and simmer for about three hours, stirring every half a beer.  “Half a beer?  How long is that?  How do I know when to stir it?”  Well how long does it take you to drink half a beer?  “About an hour.”  Pussy.  Stir it every 15 minutes.  Eat it.

Creole Jambalaya

4 Celery Stalks, Sliced

2 Green Bell Peppers, diced

2 Small Yellow Onions, diced

15oz Can Diced Tomatoes, undrained

3tbl Paprika

1tbl Old Bay

2tsp Thyme

2tsp Oregano

2tsp Basil

2tsp Kosher Salt

1tsp, Black Pepper

1/2tsp Cayenne Pepper

2lbs Bone-In Chicken Thighs, boiled (reserve chicken water)

1lb Andouille Sausage, cooked and sliced (widthwise, idiot)

3c Reserved Chicken Water

2c Water

1c Louisiana Tea

3c Rice

White Vinegar, a healthy splash

1lb Shrimp, raw

Green Onions (or Parsley), for garnish

In Creole the word Jambalaya means “throw a bunch of crap in a pot and let it cook.”  It originates from the days of the Great Depression when the people didn’t have shit to eat.  Towns would gather everything they had, threw it all in a pot, and let it cook.  Jambalaya has a few different variations depending on principality and level of poverty but I just made it the way I fucking wanted to since I’m not some poor Southern bastard in 1934.  Also because fuck you. 

Start by sautéing the celery, peppers, and onions until softened.  This is called the “Trinity” which is funny because that’s the same name of the hooker that hangs out in front of the liquor store.  Add the tomatoes and spices.  Stir that shit around for a while.  Dump in the chicken and sausage.  Mix it all together.  Are you still with me here?  Is this moving too fast for you?  “Wait, what?  I wasn’t paying attention.”  Nevermind.  Pour in the water, reserved chicken water, Louisiana Tea, rice, and vinegar.  Bring to a boil over medium heat, cover, and reduce heat to medium-low.  After 20 minutes, stir in the shrimp, put the lid back on the pot, and turn off the heat.

Garnish with green onions, or parsley, and a bottle of Trappey’s hot sauce.  Eat it.

Prosciutto Heel Soup

3c 13 Bean Mix

1 Prosciutto di Parma Heel

7 Tomatoes

7 Garlic Cloves

3 Yellow Onions

6 Yellow or Red Potatoes

Salt

White Vinegar

“Prosciutto di Parma heel?  What in the hell is that?”  Well, fucknuts, it is the end of an Italian cured pork leg that self-respecting butchers can no longer slice to sell.  These can be acquired for a super low price or even for free since most places just throw them in the dumpster like a dead hooker.  Typically you would never cook prosciutto for any real length of time but the heel is an exception, a very tasty exception.          

Soak the beans overnight in an assload of water.  Drain and rinse.  “I only have a 12 bean mix.  Will that work?”  No, dumbass.  It has to be 13.  Dump them in a big ass pot with the prosciutto heel.  Pour in 13 cups of water.  Bring it to a boil and simmer for an about an hour.  It will require vigilant fat skimming.

In the meantime, core the tomatoes, stuff a garlic clove in each one, and place them hole down on a baking sheet.  Peel the skin off the onions, halve them widthwise, and place them on the same baking sheet.  Drizzle with oil, sprinkle with salt, and put them in a 250 degree oven for about an hour and a half.

Cut the potatoes into large chunks and throw them in the pot after the first hour mark.  When the tomatoes, garlic, and onion are done, mash them up and throw them in too.  Add salt and vinegar to taste.  Once everything looks done, turn off the heat and remove the heel.  Trim off all the bullshit, tear apart the meat, and return it to the pot.  Stir and serve.  Eat it.