My Stimulus Package

So the other day I was like "Hey! The government better damn well do something for me during these tough times. So where is my free money?" But then I realized that I already live off the government so I knew from experience it will take a long time to get more free money. Stupid slow-ass government. So I figured I should take things into my own hands by doing my best to screw "The Man" (i.e. struggling small local businesses).

I got a roll with my soup at the local market the other day and they said "would you like some butter?" I thought to myself that I have plenty of government butter at home but hey these guys are offering me more free butter; I absconded with four. Take advantage of condiments at your local restaurants. When no one is looking just slide that bottle of Tabasco into your pocket and then ask for another (steal...oops...borrow that one too). Why the hell not? You paid for it already by gracing them with your presence. Plus their food is shitty and overpriced. So next time you are at a restaurant or a market play a little game: how much shit can I fit in my pockets? And remember, if it fits in your pocket it is not stealing.