Spices

Okay all zero followers I know what you are thinking: "why hasn't ALN posted a recipe in a while? Did he run out of recipes? Was he a fraud all along? Did he die?" All of these are stupid questions. I am having a new floor installed in my kitchen which has rendered it off limits. Kiss my ass dummy. So today we are going to discuss spices and their uses. Chances are you have not heard of any of these so this will be detailed.

Does your spice rack look like this? I don't think so. Your spice rack is a joke: a sick joke. Plus it doesn't have the sweet decor mine does. How many people have an exterior window in the middle of their house? Not many. Eat it.

Allspice - Great in applesauce and pies like apple and pear. Do not put in everything because it says ALLspice Doogie Howser M.D. You will barf.

Paprika - It goes with everything savory. To imagine what it tastes like think deviled egg. I just use Old Bay.

New Mexican Chili Powder - This is the bomb. Ancho based. Great flavor. Use in any tex-mex, mex or chili as the main spice.

Chili Powder - Same as above but not as tasty.

Cumin - Stop giggling you immature loser. Cumin is awesome. Use as a back up whenever you use chili powder.

Cayenne - Use this to spice up anything from pasta sauce to mexican food. Use sparingly until you get a good grasp on the heat.

Zataran's Gumbo Spice - Whatever. Unnecessary. Left over from previous life.

Old Bay Blackened - The SHIT! Put all over catfish. mmmm.....

Cock Flavoured Soup Mix - Staple of Dominica. You know you want it.

Celery Salt - Two words: Bloody Mary.

Stubbs BBQ Rub - "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm a cook." How can you NOT buy and use it. Stubbs makes a variety of products all of which are quality. If you are lazy and cannot figure out spice mixtures and marinades Stubbs has you covered.

Coriander - Ground cilantro. Use when fresh cilantro is unavailable (i.e. you are too lazy to go to the store).

Ground Mustard - Very potent. Mix with sugar, honey, wine, milk, etc. Basically make mustard out of it.

Almond Extract - For dishes that call for Vanilla Extract do half and half to add almond-y flavor.

Vanilla Extract - In all good desserts. I always use double the amount called for.

Cream of Tartar - Kicks eggs up a notch for cakes and crap like that.

Peppermint Extract - See Almond Extract.

Ground Garlic - Use instead of real garlic if you want your food to taste gross.

Ground Black Pepper - Do I really need to tell you how to use this?

Red Pepper Flakes - Pasta and Pizza baby.
Basil - Use in pasta. It tastes good. Try to use fresh instead (seeing a theme here?).
Old Bay - Use in everything. It is the best invention ever.

Old Bay Lemon and Herb - Great for fish and chicken.

Old Bay Garlic and Herb - See above. Also great for garlic breads.

Oregano - Italian, mexican, southern, etc. Good mixed with basil in all things Italian.

Sage - Think stuffing. That's the taste you never could pin down.
Dill Weed - DO NOT try to smoke...hippie. Great on fishies and breads.

Marjoram - Not even Wikipedia could explain this one and the wiki is omnipotent.

Thyme - Great in blackened stuff French and Italian.

Saffron - You are too poor to even look at this spice. I am pretty sure they will not let you buy it with food stamps anyway.
Lemon Grass Powder - I do not even know why I have this.

Star Anise - black licorice flavor. Like absinthe.

Calcutta Heat - Indian food. Also killer in burgers.

Tumeric - Basis of Indian food. If you like Indian food you are better off making it at home so you don't end up pissing out your ass.

Gram Masala - More Indian shit.

Greek Seasoning - Duh.

Poppy Seeds - No you cannot get high from eating these you damn beatnik.

Ground Ginger - I hate ginger because it tastes like shit.

Ground Cloves - See Ground Ginger.

Nutmeg - Think eggnoggy and pear and apple pie. Oh and spanish coffee.

Cinnamon - Put in stuff you want to taste cinnamonny genius.

Angostura Bitters - For the "old fashioned" whiskey drink. You can also add it to sprite or 7-UP to make ginger ale. Too bad sprite, 7-UP, and ginger ale are gross.

Sesame Seeds & Asian Five Spice - I don't cook Asian food because it sucks.
Me so sorry!

Wasabi Powder - Mix with water to get the shit you see at sushi places. Put in mashed potatoes if serving with salmon.

Garlic Stuff - Use in lieu of real garlic but why the hell would you not have real garlic?

Garlic Bread Seasoning - Hello? McFly? Anybody in there?

Onion Stuff - See Garlic Stuff