Time for some good ol' apple pie. The trick to a good apple pie is using the right kind of apple. Most people tell you to use "baking apples." Yeah, thanks. More specifically, DO NOT USE golden delicious apples. DO NOT USE the crab apples outside your trailer. USE a Granny Smith or Bramley. Let's begin:
Start by slicing your apples. You need six cups of peeled and cored apples. That's right: peeled. There are two ways to peel: the stupid way and the smart way. The stupid way is to peel an apple vertically. The smart way is to peel an apple in a horizontal spiral as seen above; Too bad you will never have the skill to do this. Just keep the peel on dummy.
Whisk together 1/2c white sugar, 1/2c brown sugar, 3tbl flour, 1-2tsp cinnamon, 1/4tsp nutmeg, 1/8tsp ginger, and 1/8tsp salt. If you are a sneaky bastard throw in 3tbl instant tapioca. Toss the apples with this shit.
Oh yeah, by now you should have made two pie crusts. "Wow, your shit looks really fucked up. Do you have any sense of symmetry?" Fuck off. Next time I will use a ruler. You, however, cannot even come close to making this style of pie. You fucked up the celtic designs in sixth grade. Oh, you attended public school? So in you senior year those there celtix desings you done did mess up. 
Bake at 450 deg for 10 min and then drop it to 350 deg for another 45 min to an hour. Mine overflowed a little as seen above so make sure your crusts are high enough.
4 comments:
Were you in a hurry when you wrote this? Butter is shown in the first picture, but you don't tell the assholes to dot the apples with the butter before they put on the top crust. How will they know Alex? How will they know! Further - the apples outside my trailer work the best. (Do you guys have honey crisp apples there? They are the super duper bestest, but they're a little spendy for pie).
p.s. I've got my fingers crossed for a corned beef post later today!
I DID NOT dot the top with butter. Maybe THAT is why I didn't tell people to do it. You know what happens when you ASSume Jessica? The butter was for the two crusts. Do you REALLY think that I would dot the pie with two sticks of butter? That is excessive, even for me.
a) Your picture is deceptive. b) Why wouldn't you dot the top with butter? hello? yum! (although, I agree, two sticks would be excessive). I am really enjoying your blog here in my cube cell. It unites my two loves of food/cooking and general snarkiness.
Your mom is deceptive.
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