Bomb Ass Salsa

The secret to this recipe is cutting everything up properly. Since you have no fucking idea how to cut anything right (let alone DO anything right), I will show you in painstaking detail. I cannot believe how hard you make this on me. Why do I continue to do this to myself? Maybe I should just say fuck you one last time and give up. Let's begin:

Start by cutting up 5-6 tomatoes. Before you probably hacked away at the poor tomatoes in a pitiful attempt at dicing. Your result was a runny mess replete with seeds and goo. Good job. You should have cut the bottom off and made a curved slice down the side to reveal the disgusting center, which should be quickly discarded. Remove the slices off the tomato like the petals of a newly blossomed flower. Flatten the slices and dice. Never even thought about doing it this way did you? Dumbass.

Time to cut the jalapeno. Cut off the top and bottom; Use a spoon to disembowel. Dice as seen here. "Should I wear gloves?" Only if you are competing in the sissy of the century contest but chances are good you are so yes use gloves.

Now dump it all in a bowl with a diced onion, a handful of diced cilantro, juice from one lime, 1tsp kosher salt, and 1/2tsp freshly ground pepper. And there you have it. This salsa kicks all store bought salsa's asses: big time. Make to impress. Use words like 'scratch' and 'organic' (even if it isn't) to describe to the ladies. Top your favorite mexican dish or use as additional flavor on steak.