Welcome to the Oregon Coast, a.k.a
Dungeness Crab Party U.S.A. If you have only had the mild pleasure of consuming puny little blue crab you have not experienced nirvana. You can taste the bigness of the dominating predator.
The Oregon Coast is a mecca for the
Dungeness Crab. If you ever see this sign along highway 101, which is usually placed at the end of a sharp corner, slam on your brakes and make a hard turn because you cannot miss this. Be sure you have some type of container in which to bring them home. A cardboard box will do with some newspaper and ice but the latter two items can be obtained from the purveyor with some negotiation.
These are perfect specimens: Purple and orange. Make sure they are as responsive as a well paid hooker.
They should flail their limbs wildly as you hold them closer to the boiling water. Grab them from the backside like this to avoid any personal injury.
The crab will fight for its life so have a wooden spoon or mallet nearby in order to force the crab into the boiling water. It will continue to live until the water re-boils so keep your lady out of the room. Trust me.
Boil rapidly for 15-20 min and you got yourself some big ass crab action. Here comes the fun part: the cracking.
If you serve the crab whole your lady
will recoil in horror. You have to dress it and prepare it in a fancy manner so she will receive it. Start by removing all the legs and pulling off the thingy there. I don't know what it is called. Look at the damn picture.
Now tear the top off the bottom. It should look like this above but with less shit. I got lucky. Discard the top portion and rinse the bottom portion under cold water until all the 'mustard' is gone. If you eat the mustard you are sick.
Crack in half and start ripping out the meat. Place in a bowl. Do not mix meat with that hard shit that gets stuck in your throat and inhibits breathing.
Plate it like this so it is palatable to the fine lady sensibilities. Serve with melted butter for dipping and a side salad for ignoring.
The Oregon Coast is a mecca for the Dungeness Crab. If you ever see this sign along highway 101, which is usually placed at the end of a sharp corner, slam on your brakes and make a hard turn because you cannot miss this. Be sure you have some type of container in which to bring them home. A cardboard box will do with some newspaper and ice but the latter two items can be obtained from the purveyor with some negotiation.
These are perfect specimens: Purple and orange. Make sure they are as responsive as a well paid hooker.
They should flail their limbs wildly as you hold them closer to the boiling water. Grab them from the backside like this to avoid any personal injury.
The crab will fight for its life so have a wooden spoon or mallet nearby in order to force the crab into the boiling water. It will continue to live until the water re-boils so keep your lady out of the room. Trust me. 
Boil rapidly for 15-20 min and you got yourself some big ass crab action. Here comes the fun part: the cracking.
If you serve the crab whole your lady will recoil in horror. You have to dress it and prepare it in a fancy manner so she will receive it. Start by removing all the legs and pulling off the thingy there. I don't know what it is called. Look at the damn picture.
Now tear the top off the bottom. It should look like this above but with less shit. I got lucky. Discard the top portion and rinse the bottom portion under cold water until all the 'mustard' is gone. If you eat the mustard you are sick. 
Crack in half and start ripping out the meat. Place in a bowl. Do not mix meat with that hard shit that gets stuck in your throat and inhibits breathing.
Plate it like this so it is palatable to the fine lady sensibilities. Serve with melted butter for dipping and a side salad for ignoring.
6 comments:
I am a lady and ever so fond of the crab mustard.
Sicko...
For those (like myself) to lazy and squeamish to battle crabs to the death before consuming their succulence, put them in the pot upside down. Bellies up, poor buggers never had a chance. And if your squeamish like me put the lid on quick!
Excellent tip! I have never heard that before.
Oh, man. I really LOVE crab but I've never cooked with it, because I just don't think I can throw a live one in boiling water.
Yes, I am a lady. I'm not such a big pussy in all areas of life (I lift my own heavy shit, I don't flinch when I skin my knuckles, I climb trees and camp in the woods, etc.), and I definitely ain't no vegetarian, but yeah when it comes to killing stuff, I must admit, I just don't have it in me.
Is there ANY way I can get away with buying crab that's already dead? I'm definitely not gonna eat that fake crap, so, if not, I guess I'll just have to stick to eating crab dishes prepared by others...
You've got to cook it from live, if not the meat will spoil. That's why the stuff at the grocery store is already cooked.
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