Mojito

No it is not fucking pronounced 'moe-jeet-oh' you backcounty bumpkin. Try to mouth 'moe-hee-toe' then make a feeble attempt at pronouncing it. I was inspired to do this because when I was at a local eatery the other day the bartender had a painful look in his eye that screamed "I hate mojito monday." Every five minutes this guy was making one of these. So I couldn't help but to order one. Schadenfreude my friends. This classic drink has many variations and everyone thinks they make the best one. That is bullshit because I make the best mojito, not you. So here is what you need to know. Let's begin:

Start by cutting up some limes as we have previously discussed. Typically mojitos will have triple sec (an orange liqueur dumbass) but alas I do not keep it ready at hand so I will substitute a single clementine wedge. Muddle the citrus and some sugar. "Um, what does muddling mean?" Holy fucking shit are you kidding me? damn you really have some serious mental disability on your hands don't you? Smash the citrus and sugar in some ice with the end of a wooden spoon since you obviously do not have a muddler.

Now add the mint but do not smash it into little pieces like an idiot. Do you want little green shit in your teeth for the rest of the morning? I didn't think so. Simply bruise the mint so you get the flavor.

Shake it like it is for sale and strain into a pint glass full of ice. Top with 7-UP or some other lemon-lime shit. Garnish with a lime wedge.