Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sweet Ass BBQ Sauce

Okay all the fucking recipes around for BBQ sauce call for "1 bottle of BBQ sauce." What the fuck is up with that? I am trying to MAKE BBQ sauce NOT embellish it. Jesus Christ. It is just so fucking stupid to include what you are trying to make in the ingredient list. That's like defining a word with itself. To swim: like swimming, you know? Is there no limit to the stupidity of humanity? Damn. Let's begin:


Get a large pot. No, bigger than that dumbass. Okay that will work. Now start dumping shit in the pot: 1 14oz can of stock (beef or veggie), 1/4c rice vinegar (white will work you uncultured swine), 1/4-1/2c Worcestershire, 2 6oz cans tomato paste, 1 15oz can tomato sauce, 1/2c brown sugar, 1/2c maple/pancake syrup, 2tbl Old Bay, 1tbl ancho chili powder, 1tbl paprika, 2tsp cayenne, 1tsp sage, 1 tsp tumeric, and 3 cloves of garlic. Simmer for 1 1/2 hours. "What is a simmer again?" Didn't we already fucking go over this? A simmer, you assclown, is a well controlled slight boil. Start on five and then move to three on your burner. Sometimes you really test the limits of my patience.

This sweet ass BBQ sauce can be applied to many choice culinary delights. As seen above I decided to toss my chicken wings with it. Use on ribs, tofu, whatever. I don't really care what you do with it as long as it still pertains to food. Sicko.

8 comments:

Pedro Ferreira said...

Hi, you shit bastard. I'm from Europe, Portugal to be precise, and in that condition I have now idea what the fuck are those shitty ingredients you keep talking about. Worcester-fucking-shire? If you could tell me without using a definition like the ones from your first paragraph I wouldn't send you to hell so often. Peace.

Cooking Asshole said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worcestershire_sauce

If you cannot find it you can use steak sauce instead you big dummy

The chocolatier said...

Have you tried this using bacon to add a smoky flavor? It makes for awesomeness, because bacon makes everything better.

Anonymous said...

Idiot, that's not BBQ sauce, that's fancy ketchup. Real BBQ sauce uses mustard, not tomato paste.

Cooking Asshole said...

Uh, no.

Anonymous said...

The mustard base is strictly an NC and SC east coast thing, learn some BBQ history. I knew that when I was twelve, and that was a couple of decades ago......

Cooking Asshole said...

There are like a bajillion types of BBQ sauce and there is no "real" kind.

Chris said...

I make little smokeies chili sauce and grape jelly... Soooooo stupidly simple... Unfortunately I never get to eat any because they are always gone... Maybe next time I'll add Cajun Jalapenos and some chepotle in there... Basically cooking comes down to 2 things. put shit in, taste it, success? add more shit. Taste it. better or worse? if better, add more shit. Else, make it look pretty.