"What? Are we going to make a Pinot Noir." Don't be stupid. We leave that up to UC Davis students around here. This is an instructional guide on how to look like a know-it-all (opposed to a dumbass) when it comes to Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. Your lady will be so impressed with your posturing she will fall into your arms and whisper "do with me what you will."
Only buy wine that says "Willamette Valley." If it just says "Oregon" it is fool's wine; Don't buy it. Pour into a 750ml pinot glass as seen above. "Wait a minute. I was at a winery the other day and that is NOT an Oregon pinot glass." Okay, there is a specific Oregon pinot glass and it is a slight variation on this one but who really gives a fuck. This is a motherfucking pinot glass and it is fucking acceptable so stop your bitching you pretentious ass.
Before you take a sip swirl the glass around while holding the bottom (it makes it look classier). This opens up the wine and yada yada yada the ladies are impressed. Practice at home alone before trying in public.
Now sniff the wine like a total douche. Be sure to have a smug look on your face. Comment on the intensity of the "tannins." No one knows what the fuck "tannins" are so everyone is impressed when you can pinpoint them by smell alone. Finally taste the wine. Mention the "cigar box" flavor and how you are rolling it over every part of your tongue to get the full flavor experience. Do not chug or put in beer bong. Ladies are NOT impressed by that. Finally don't forget to mention that Willamette Valley Pinot Noir is fucking expensive and by the way you owe me $15 for that glass.
Only buy wine that says "Willamette Valley." If it just says "Oregon" it is fool's wine; Don't buy it. Pour into a 750ml pinot glass as seen above. "Wait a minute. I was at a winery the other day and that is NOT an Oregon pinot glass." Okay, there is a specific Oregon pinot glass and it is a slight variation on this one but who really gives a fuck. This is a motherfucking pinot glass and it is fucking acceptable so stop your bitching you pretentious ass.
Before you take a sip swirl the glass around while holding the bottom (it makes it look classier). This opens up the wine and yada yada yada the ladies are impressed. Practice at home alone before trying in public.
Now sniff the wine like a total douche. Be sure to have a smug look on your face. Comment on the intensity of the "tannins." No one knows what the fuck "tannins" are so everyone is impressed when you can pinpoint them by smell alone. Finally taste the wine. Mention the "cigar box" flavor and how you are rolling it over every part of your tongue to get the full flavor experience. Do not chug or put in beer bong. Ladies are NOT impressed by that. Finally don't forget to mention that Willamette Valley Pinot Noir is fucking expensive and by the way you owe me $15 for that glass.
6 comments:
Did you buy that wine at Costco?
Very funny mister sommelier. This bottle came from New Seasons Market
Costco has nice wine, you fucking elitists.
Also you can mention how great the "Terroir" of the wine is(pronounced terrowa). It's a stupid french word that basically means the land where the grapes are grown is pretty. Chicks dig it and it also makes you sound pretentious and cool.
Where the fuck is the bacon infused alcohol? I know bacon and pinot go together like stank on shit, so why not an infusion of the noirs? Bacon Noir?
Yeah...I am going to waste a $40 bottle of wine by infusing it with bacon...right. On the other hand I have been thinking about a green apple and bacon vodka.
Post a Comment