Oh sweet Jesus here we go again. Do I really have to tell you how to fucking make coffee? I swear to God my next post is going to be titled 'How to Walk.' In any case, everyone needs coffee to function and continue living, like water, so you might as well know how to make it. Due to my superior elitism I typically only drink espresso but today I will consume the common man's drip coffee because I know a peon like yourself does not own an espresso machine. Let's begin:
Decide how many cups of coffee you would like to drink. Don't get out the measuring cups you idiot; You can use the coffee pot itself as it has markings on it, genius. Pour into the top of the coffee maker. Make sure the lid is open, jackass.
Time to put the coffee in the filter. I poured in six cups of water so I am going to put in eight heaping tablespoons of coffee. You can adjust this amount any which way you like it for
stronger or weaker coffee. Knowing your pansy ass you will probably only need one tablespoon. Only use locally roasted coffee, you cheap bastard.
Turn the damn thing on motherfucker!
And there you have it. "There are grinds in my coffee! What the hell?" Did you use a coffee filter? "No."
Dumbass. I knew you would find a way to fuck it up. Enjoy your shitty coffee retard.
Decide how many cups of coffee you would like to drink. Don't get out the measuring cups you idiot; You can use the coffee pot itself as it has markings on it, genius. Pour into the top of the coffee maker. Make sure the lid is open, jackass.
Time to put the coffee in the filter. I poured in six cups of water so I am going to put in eight heaping tablespoons of coffee. You can adjust this amount any which way you like it for stronger or weaker coffee. Knowing your pansy ass you will probably only need one tablespoon. Only use locally roasted coffee, you cheap bastard.
Turn the damn thing on motherfucker!
And there you have it. "There are grinds in my coffee! What the hell?" Did you use a coffee filter? "No." Dumbass. I knew you would find a way to fuck it up. Enjoy your shitty coffee retard. 
9 comments:
I am sorry to be critical in my first comment here (It think it is), but that is a wonderful description on how to make swamp water.
First step, and most important, when making REAL coffee is throw away the fuckin' Espresso machine!
Make it the old fashioned way in a cloth filter (paper has too many chemicals & bleaches, not to mention the millions of Amazonian trees sacrificed to make your damn coffee). Don't let the water touch the metal support of the filter, you'll rust before you know it. Don't use boiling water, you'll scald the coffee; you get the water just before it begins to roll before boiling. Use only Brazilian coffee, not some crap that says Brazilian style.
You get the idea?
Man, that was soooo good, I'm gonna post it at my place. Spontaneity that's the key to good writing.
AV
Hippy...
LOL
ALN, I'm going to link your blog on my food and booze blog, I do actually like your style, it's just your coffee...
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com
btw, i did make a post of the above, you can see the damage.
AV
THANK YOU--for telling me about the lines on the coffee pot. Wow, they work like a measuring cup? That's awesome!
I do what I can.
You really need to cook something new...this is getting ridiculous. I want to see some Strawberry Pie!
You know what is ridiculous? You and your stupid comments no one wants to hear.
P.S. I am making the strawberry pie now.
I am so making the strawberry banana muffins tomorrow.
I had to laugh at this post. I'm a big coffee drinker, and I hate to admit that I've started the coffee a few times, realizing that the basket was still in the dishwasher....
I'm a self proclaimed idiot, you don't have to tell me... ha ha.
strawberry banana muffins rock the house!
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