Blackened Catfish

Many moons ago when the settlers first discovered what is now North Carolina, they found a magical bottom feeding fish that would take just about any bait. They called it the catfish because it has the same brain capacity as a feline. They originally called it the 'stupidfish' but that name didn't stick. By slapping a shitload of spices on it they turned a crappy fillet into a culinary delight. In modern times we refer to it as the 'Blackened Catfish.' Let's begin:

Start by making your spice mixture. Normally I would say "use Old Bay blackened idiot," but today I feel like making my own unique mix which is as follows: 1tbl paprika, 1tsp cayenne, 3/4tsp white pepper, 3/4tsp black pepper, 1/2tsp thyme, 1/2tsp oregano. Mix thoroughly and set aside. You can use this spice mixture for anything you want. Blackened shrimp are the bizdiggy.

Wash and dry your catfish and then apply your spice mixture. Some people, stupid ones, use oil or egg white to adhere the spices to the fish. This is totally dumb and unnecessary. Don't do it. "Can I use tilapia instead of catfish?" If you are a total moron and want your food to taste like shit, you can use tilapia. Just don't blame me for it asshole.

On a cast iron skillet melt 1tbl butter and 1tbl garlic juice over high heat and slap that fillet down. Sear for 3-4 min per side and then remove from heat.

You can do anything you want with your catfish. No! Not that you sicko! You can SERVE it with anything you want. Red beans and rice work well or you can just make a sandwich out of it as I did here. Be sure to use extra mayonnaise. Eat it.

Editor's note: A slight variation of this recipe (I added Old Bay) appeared in The Portland Mercury's annual food issue. Read it here.