Cooking for Assholes Challenge - The Winner

This loser didn't send me a damn picture but I enjoyed their writing style enough to still deem them the winner of this little challenge. Should said winner decide to grow some balls and actually make this and send me a picture, I will post it. Until then, however, his words will have to suffice. So congratulations Saint Skeezix, you win a shitload of respect:

Vichyssoise is a bit of a cliché in the world of fine dining. Fortunately, because you’re a shutin with no friends and no culture, this will be entirely new to you.

It’s time to expand your culinary horizons beyond the world of Hungry Man Dinners and canned Spaghetti-O’s, you fat fuck. This soup will kick your ass and thoroughly confuse your harpy of a mother in law. She’ll shriek and bitch and moan about how you fucked up dinner again, and how the soup needs to be heated. Tell the old bitch that it’s supposed to be cold, and that she’ll eat it and like it if she knows what’s good for her.

Alright, you’re gonna need 2/3 cup leeks. After trimming, that’s the white portion of one good sized leek. What’s a leek? It’s a big fucking green onion, basically. Don’t think for a second that you can substitute green onions, because despite the shitty state your palate is in, you WILL end up with noticeably inferior soup.

You’re gonna need 1 small onion. Slice it. Try to stay with the group.

2 tablespoons butter. Do you really need help with this one?

2-1/2 cups russet potatoes. Peel ‘em, slice thinly, set aside.

2 cups chicken broth. I know you’re too goddamn lazy to make your own broth, so use the store bought stuff.

1 1/2 cups milk and 1 cup heavy cream.

Get out your shitty Wal-Mart stockpot, and set it on the stove on medium heat. That means MEDIUM. Not low, not high, right in the middle. Nothing cooks well on high, and you won’t save any time by cranking up the heat.

Toss the butter in the pot along with the chopped leeks and onions, let it all cook until the onion starts to turn translucent. Throw in the chicken broth and potatoes. Bring to a boil and then simmer the whole mess covered, on medium heat, for 35 minutes.

When 35 minutes is up, turn off the heat. Pour in the milk and cream, stir, let sit for a minute. Then go right to town on it with an immersion blender. Don’t have an immersion blender? Get one. They’re $15 and they save dirtying your piece of crap food processor. Blend the soup till it’s as smooth as you can get it. I mean, blend it 5 or 6 times, really go at it. Pretend it owes you money.

Let the soup sit in the fridge overnight. Skim off the crap that coats the surface of the soup, in the morning. Pour the soup through a sieve, and you’re good to go. That’s it. It’s delicious, it’s pretty good for you, and it’s a departure from your usual repast of pizza pockets and Dr. Pepper.

A half-trained monkey could pull this off, but one of you idiots is going to fuck this up in unimaginable ways. I weep for the future, and the present while I’m at it.