Banana Bread - Guest Post

Hey losers! We have a special guest poster today so be sure to tell him how he pales in comparison to me and should not have even bothered. Tell him it really does not look that great and it appears he took all the pictures with his cell phone. Tell him he should be ashamed to even show his face around here anymore after displaying that ugly granite slab. Just kidding, I don't want you to take it easy on him. Give him fucking hell. Let's begin:

After seeing Baby's first birthday cake - first attempt, I decided to offer some baking advice to the Cooking Asshole. Perfect timing, too! For some reason, no one ate a single banana this week at my house. Good thing I make a kick-ass banana bread and my wife's coworkers are voracious when it comes to free stuff in their work kitchen.
Start with some seriously brown, overripe bananas. We wouldn't want to waste food--even food that starving children in Africa wouldn't touch. No, not black and growing moldy shit. Those flies around your fruit should help you gauge if they are too far gone.
Since I have a whole bunch of uneaten bananas, I'll be making a double batch. But since most of you are mathematical idiots and need a calculator to figure out what TV channel you're on, I'll make this easy on you. The following is for one single banana bread.

Take three overripe bananas and mash them in a medium bowl. You don't need some fancy tool, just use a fork. Duh. Add one egg (minus shell), 3/4 c. sugar, 1/3 c. cooking oil, cinnamon, ginger and a little shredded lemon. Since you are all super sophisticated, you know what cinnamon and ginger taste like. Between the two of them, add a total of 1/4 tsp. (Yes, be creative, Mr. Boring). But don't add more than that because your bread will taste like shit. And since I had no lemon, I just used that lemon-shaped juice thing from the fridge--cheat if necessary. Stir all of that together and set aside.
In a bigger bowl, mix 1 1/2 c. flour (minus flour insects, please, you never-bakers), 1 1/2 tsp. baking powder, 1/4 tsp. baking soda and salt. Don't measure the salt, just a pinch is fine. And no, you can't use baking soda from that box absorbing the smells from your fridge. That's disgusting, even if you're pawning it off on your wife's coworkers! If that's all you have, stop what you're doing and go to the grocery store. The shit is dirt cheap. Mix all dry ingredients together, make a hole in the middle, and pour all of the wet ingredients into that hole. Fold them together until mixed and all moist. Don't over-mix though, dummy. Put the mixture in "Pammed" loaf pan.
Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Stick a toothpick in it to make sure it's done. If not, cook a few more minutes. Cool. DON'T eat it yet. While it's cooling for a few minutes, pick out a nice, sweet stout from your fridge. Open it up and start drinking while you cut yourself a piece of warm banana bread. Now go ahead and dig in.