Banana Bread II - Guest Post

This guest post comes from a relatively new but faithful reader, Bunny. She was so abhorred by Beer's Banana Bread she actually made her own and sent it to me. "What a psycho!" I know, right? So without further adieu, I present to you Banana Bread II:

A few weeks back, that loser beer drinker submitted a pitiable effort demonstrating how to make banana bread. When I called him on his pathetic pecan-less attempt, the asshole had the nerve to call me a whiner. It’s time he got schooled in how Southern women throw down. Pay attention and take notes, boy. I am about to shove your head further up your ass.

Lolly’s Banana Bread:

THIS banana bread is the sacred recipe of my beloved Grandmother, and I will hunt a bitch down and cut you if you say anything against it. Let’s start, shall we?

First, and this step is important unless you are a nut-less loser like beer drinker, chop up 1 cup of pecans. And it is “pah-kahn” NOT “pee-can.” Only white-trash, trailer-dwelling South Georgia rednecks say “pee-can.” For a nice, coarse chop, use a manual chopper, but if you’re a lazy fat-ass, you can do it in a food processor.
Next, mash three large overripe bananas. If you don’t know what “overripe” is, then you are too stupid to be using sharp objects and electrical equipment, so stop now dumbass. I like using a meat fork for a chunky mash. It’s better—trust me. Don’t trust me? Then suck it.
Next, mix together 2 cups of sugar, 1.5 cups of vegetable oil, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda and 3 eggs. Yes, it’s a lot of oil and sugar. Sack up, you pansy-ass. This here is old school Southern cooking. If your arteries aren’t man enough, go sip on a wheatgrass smoothie, you goddamn Yankee.
After stirring in your chopped pecans, mashed bananas and 3 cups of plain flour, comes the first secret ingredient: 1 tablespoon perpetual vanilla, which, for you clueless losers, is real vanilla beans steeped in a bottle of dark rum. I call it “baking moonshine.” You can use regular vanilla, but your bread will suck a little. Like you.
Then, add the next secret ingredient: an 8 oz. drained can of crushed pineapple. Just shut your fucking pie-hole and do it. BTW, my hubs took these photos, hence the shitty quality. Good man, but blows as a photog. Mix it all up and pour into two greased loaf pans. I use silicone because I rock. Bake for around 1 hour at 325 until an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Let it cool. If you aren’t a total dumbass, your end result should look like this:
Chunky, moist, nutty goodness. As my Grandmother would say, “Shit-fire-fuzzy-damn.”