So I have been getting pretty fucking amazing at making pizzas from scratch and I figured I would indulge all you losers. I have developed the perfect tomato base but it is a secret so fuck you. Today I made a pizza with a
chipotle base that was pretty much the shit but it is real simple so even a douche bag like yourself can make it. Let's begin:
Dissolve one packet of yeast and a little sugar in 1c of hot ass water. Let it sit for 10-15 min until it looks like the shit pictured above. Use this time to contact your parole officer and explain why you were taking pictures of all the little children in the park like a fucking creep show.
Add 2 1/4c flour and a little salt. Mix that shit up and knead that bitch until it looks like the dough ball pictured above. It should take about ten minutes of kneading unless you are a muscle laden powerhouse like myself. Cover it with a clean dishtowel and let rise for an hour. To form it into a pizza crust I hold it vertically and spin it around and let gravity do its work. Too bad you will resort to rolling it out like a jerk off and your crust will be deformed like your ugly fat face.
To make the sauce combine 7 diced
chipotles, 4 minced cloves of garlic, and a little olive oil. Top with mozzarella cheese and slices of fake soy
chorizo. Bake at 400 deg for ~15 min. See how the crust has those weird bulges? They taste fine and are perfectly consistent with the rest of the crust but it looks a little fucked up. This is because I let my dough rise in my freezing ass kitchen when it should have risen at about seventy five degrees. It made it a little more difficult to toss but it ended up being fine. Too bad you have already given up and Pizza Hut is on their way, loser. Eat it.
Dissolve one packet of yeast and a little sugar in 1c of hot ass water. Let it sit for 10-15 min until it looks like the shit pictured above. Use this time to contact your parole officer and explain why you were taking pictures of all the little children in the park like a fucking creep show.
Add 2 1/4c flour and a little salt. Mix that shit up and knead that bitch until it looks like the dough ball pictured above. It should take about ten minutes of kneading unless you are a muscle laden powerhouse like myself. Cover it with a clean dishtowel and let rise for an hour. To form it into a pizza crust I hold it vertically and spin it around and let gravity do its work. Too bad you will resort to rolling it out like a jerk off and your crust will be deformed like your ugly fat face.
To make the sauce combine 7 diced chipotles, 4 minced cloves of garlic, and a little olive oil. Top with mozzarella cheese and slices of fake soy chorizo. Bake at 400 deg for ~15 min. See how the crust has those weird bulges? They taste fine and are perfectly consistent with the rest of the crust but it looks a little fucked up. This is because I let my dough rise in my freezing ass kitchen when it should have risen at about seventy five degrees. It made it a little more difficult to toss but it ended up being fine. Too bad you have already given up and Pizza Hut is on their way, loser. Eat it.
21 comments:
Hot Damn! Pop a Zantac and let's get to eatin'! I'll bring the beer.
PS, Glad you're back from sabbatical, dude.
You lost me at "hot ass water".
What, you're MIA for weeks and now you think I'll give a shit about your fucking pizza just because you snap your fingers?
Too little, too late!
Bunny - I am too healthy to ever get heartburn. I don't even know what it feels like.
Doll - You LOVE the ass
Girl - You cared enough to leave a comment!
Just checking out the weird bulges and how they taste.
PussDaddy
hell, i figured you must of died not that i give a shit.
Hey CA! You're back with an awesome recipe again ^_^!!
You're still here?!? I was just checking to see if the domain name was available...douchebag.
Where have you BEEN, you asshole?
DO you even know what the fuck a chipotle is? If you do but don't make your own then it's no wonder it's "pretty much the shit". You'd been better off putting it in your oh-so-fucking-secret sauce anyway. So,
Fuck me.
I knew you would be back. You can't quit us.
Glad you're back, Loser.
I followed your recipe and it was a fucking disaster. I documented it here http://upsetwaitress.com/2009/12/12/its-not-deliver-its-deliverence/ Can you tell me what I did wrong? Whatever I don't care. To make up for the fact that all chef's have small penises, I made you something in the shape of a heart. You know, some bloggy love. And NO the heart didn't come from by butt, it's a hamburger and it's pretty. Stuff that comes from my poop shoot isn't this pretty.
I'm so happy you're back. Just when I had discovered your blog you decided to fuck off and leave us losers in the lurch. I love you. Could you please come home and abuse me every waking second? What the fuck are chipotles anyway?
yup. this is my kind of food porn.
Cloudcutter,
Is your google broken?
Fucking retard.
Yes Asshole. My Google is broken. So what the fuck are chipotles, anyway?
Fucking retard! (is that a popular American term for goodbye?)
Chipotles are smoked jalapenos. They are packed into cans in adobo sauce and are basically the total shit.
They are sold in regular supermarkets here but maybe you have Mexican specialty stores in India?
It looks like this:
http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/5504705/chipotlepeppers_Full.jpg
:-) You're way too sweet dude! I was just bugging you. I did google it the other day btw. They sound awesome! We don't have Mexican specialty stores as such, but we do get the regular jalapenos here. I love anything smoked though.
I'm sure you get this enough but I have to say it - your blog is awesome. It's fuckin' original, kickass and delicious to boot! Cheers!
Thanks...
to turn jalapenos into chipotles you need a shitload of time and a barbeque grill. Do you have those in India? Hopefully you are familiar with the indirect heat method (I typically use this method for pork and chicken). Place all the coals on one side of the grill (preferably in the direction of the wind). Place your whole jalapenos on the other side. You want to smoke them, not cook them. Maintain your fire at a low heat and smoke them (covered) for 16 hours. To use them in a dish rehydrate them in some water or you can grind them into a powder and use them that way.
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