Monday, December 14, 2009

Eat Shit and Die Pumpkin Pie

You get those shitty factory pumpkin pies from Costco and try to pass them off as your own. I can see right through you, you lowlife piece of shit, and so can everyone else. They just smile politely and talk mad shit behind your back after they leave the most disappointing dinner party of their lives. No more. This pie is so fucking easy to make even your mentally retarded sex offender uncle could pull it off. Let's begin.
Make a pie crust, form it into the pan, and put it in the fridge. Wisk up one can of pumpkin, 1/2c whole milk, 2tbl melted butter, 2 beaten eggs, 1tsp vanilla, 1 1/4tsp cinnamon, 3/4tsp ginger, 1/4tsp nutmeg, 1/4tsp salt, and 1/8tsp allspice. Pour into prepared crust. Bake at 375 deg for 45 min. Remove from oven and cover with chopped walnuts and chocolate. Toffee works really well too but here I used a dark chocolate espresso. Return to the oven for another ten minutes. Let cool completely. Eat it.

13 comments:

upset waitress said...

I'd rather spread peanut butter and jelly in between two sweaty gym socks. Thanks though.

waylandcook said...

I hate pumpkin anything put a little more chocloate on that and it might be edible. Welcome back you turd.

PussDaddy said...

Good lord, that does look like a shit pie.

PussDaddy

Anonymous said...

I made this for my mentally retarded sex offender uncle today and he told me if I gave him the recipe he'd let me touch him down there!

Psychocat said...

Canned pumpkin? I'm not really a big fan of that gourd, so if I have to go to the trouble to make a pie, I roast up some fresh pumpkin, peel it and mash it smooth. (Hey, I'm Olde School...) I prefer to use heavy cream instead of the milk, and spike the custard heavily with Kahlua. Topping is made with homemade candied pecans, again spiked with Kahlua.
=^..^=

Cooking Asshole said...

Anon,
make sure to give his anus a tickle for me.

PC,
you always out do me!

Anonymous said...

Your nuts...

How can you make a stink like that and then "wisk up one can of pumpkin"
Mmmmmm can of pumpkin.
I would rather have a stranger shit in my mouth then rinse with cinnamon mouthwash, than eat that mess.

...now add bacon...
Love
G

Cooking Asshole said...

I only used canned pumpkin because I know you losers are not capable enough to use real pumpkin.

The Cloudcutter said...

Seems incomplete. What's the next step after "Eat it."?

bird said...

hey asshole - can you tell me the difference between using whole milk vs condensed? i'm considering making this for my family and need to be sure it's not going to suck.

Cooking Asshole said...

whole milk worked out just fine as long as you add the requisite butter.

you can also use whipping cream

but seriously...this exact recipe worked out great...just use whole milk. Also let it completely cool before cutting into it. The condensed milk/whipping cream make the pie a lot firmer.

Anonymous said...

I've read the instructions through twice, i don't see "Drop your pants and shit on the pastry" anywhere, however from examining the picture, you have clearly shat all over it!......Who eats this SHIT anyway? litterally!

Cooking Asshole said...

You would toss that salad.