Creamy White Sauce

You are intimidated by the creamy whiteness. You duck and hide in its presence. In reality, the white sauce is easy to master but you must have the right teacher. You have come to the right place. I can whip up the white sauce like no one's business. Soon you will be able to as well. Let's begin:

Over a low temperature melt 1/2 stick of butter. Once it has completely melted, whisk in 1/4c flour until a smooth paste has formed. Do not allow chunks to exist in your whiteness. Chunks tell you something is wrong, very wrong.

Whisk in 1 1/2c milk and bubble until thickened (see above). Salt and pepper that bad boy and you can even taste a little to see if it needs a little more thickening.

So I chose to put this sauce over cheese ravioli and roasted asparagus. "Damn your staging sucks. Where the fuck did you learn to plate a fine dish?" Uh, maybe at your mom's house jerkoff? Believe it or not I put a lot of thought into this plate and it backfired into my face. Looks better than a picture of Top Ramen though huh? Especially since it was paid for in cash and not food stamps.

Strawberry Rum Drink

"What the fuck is up with all this strawberry shit?" First off strawberries are NOT shit; they are THE shit. Second, fuck you. My lady got an industrial sized tub of them at the Costco so we will see more strawberry recipes coming my good friend. I came home from the local speakeasy last night and was tanked but I wanted to get more tanked and the only alcohol I had was white rum and the only fresh fruit I had was the strawberry. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure this one out. Let's begin:

Muddle a few strawberries with some sugar. Pour in your rum with a heavy hand. Shake and strain as finely as possible. If you want to eliminate all pulp, run it through a cheesecloth or some shit. Stop reaching for the block of cheddar cheese you idiot. Cheesecloth is a piece of fabric you can strain shit through.

"Whoa! Major chick factor here!" That is the whole fucking point you emo hipster. Imagine the shock on your lady's face when you walk in the room with this. Pretty good huh? Now you just have to find a lady.

Strawberry Reduction Sauce

Okay fucktard, you have plain cheesecake but no garnish; This calls for some strawberries. The strawberry originated from the rugged mystical mountains of Africa and its consumption in Europe began around 600 BC. Only royalty feasted on this voluptuous fruit while their supplicants looked on with the greenest eyes. Only in death would the lowly peon be able to understand the full nature of the strawberry. In these times, however, they will even let grunts of your stock purchase them at the supermarket. What has society come to?!? Take advantage of your modern privileges you menial peasant. Let's begin:

Start by shielding your eyes from this bright ass picture. Wow, that is really bad. Halve 1c of strawberries and pull the fucking green things off moron. I saw you try and eat one, don't lie. Consider cutting the white tops off and coring them too. That might be a good idea. In a small saucepan combine the strawberries with 1/4c sugar and 5tbl water.

Boil and simmer that bitch until you can mush up all the strawberries and it has turned all syrup like. This took me upwards of 15 minutes but I don't really remember; I was pretty tanked. Just eyeball it dummy.

Once the strawberries are mushed to the max, pour into a pyrex and plunge the pyrex into a cold water bath. This is not super necessary but it does help out with serving speed. Go ahead, be lazy; Eat it with your fingers out of the pot, hayseed.

Place over cheesecake, pancakes, -cakes, etc. Hopefully you can do a better job than I with the drizzle. This is the ONE thing I have not completely and utterly mastered so I seriously doubt you can even come close. Too bad.

Sweet Vindication

Oh yeah bitch! Check this fucking shit out. My cheesecake was actually perfect so fuck you and any suggestions you may have. No one wants to hear it.

Cheesecake

Okay people I love this recipe but the crust fucking sucks so if you have a better crust for a cheesecake I want to hear it! The chances are slim you know anything about the delicate dance of the cheesecake but I am asking nonetheless. Due to the fact that my crust has its mouth attached to its own butthole I am not going to discuss how to make the crust, only the filling. Let's begin:

These are my crappy ass bullshit crusts. God, did I go wrong here. The one on the left actually worked out better so if you are going to mimic this press in 15 crushed and buttered up graham crackers into the bottom of a pie pan. I implore you, give me a better crust.

Mix 4 8oz packages of room temperature cream cheese with 1 1/2c sugar. Then add 3/4c milk. Then add 4 eggs but one at a time. Now add 1c of sour cream, 2 tbl vanilla, and 1/4c flour. This is the recipe to remember because this makes a freaking killer cheesecake. Pour into crappy crust.

The one on the right turned out awesome while the other one developed more cracks in it than the New Orleans Levees. "Why did you even post this? Your crust is fucked, your filling is fucked, your whole damn operation is fucked." Fuck you asshat. One turned out okay. Plus I need your shitty opinion on how to make a better crust. Too bad you have no fucking idea.

Bomb Ass Salsa

The secret to this recipe is cutting everything up properly. Since you have no fucking idea how to cut anything right (let alone DO anything right), I will show you in painstaking detail. I cannot believe how hard you make this on me. Why do I continue to do this to myself? Maybe I should just say fuck you one last time and give up. Let's begin:

Start by cutting up 5-6 tomatoes. Before you probably hacked away at the poor tomatoes in a pitiful attempt at dicing. Your result was a runny mess replete with seeds and goo. Good job. You should have cut the bottom off and made a curved slice down the side to reveal the disgusting center, which should be quickly discarded. Remove the slices off the tomato like the petals of a newly blossomed flower. Flatten the slices and dice. Never even thought about doing it this way did you? Dumbass.

Time to cut the jalapeno. Cut off the top and bottom; Use a spoon to disembowel. Dice as seen here. "Should I wear gloves?" Only if you are competing in the sissy of the century contest but chances are good you are so yes use gloves.

Now dump it all in a bowl with a diced onion, a handful of diced cilantro, juice from one lime, 1tsp kosher salt, and 1/2tsp freshly ground pepper. And there you have it. This salsa kicks all store bought salsa's asses: big time. Make to impress. Use words like 'scratch' and 'organic' (even if it isn't) to describe to the ladies. Top your favorite mexican dish or use as additional flavor on steak.

Northwest Spectacular

Start by hitting up that bottle of wine. Once you are two glasses down you should think about how you need to start dinner but one more won't hurt right? Okay now that we are three down let's make some fucking food. All these recipes go right after another so the timing is stupid easy. The menu is as follows: roasted red potatoes, garlic roasted broccoli, and BBQ roasted salmon. Notice a theme here? Let's begin:

Start by pre-heating your crappy oven to 400 deg. Quarter however many red potatoes you would like to consume. Toss with some garlic and olive oil (NOT extra virgin simpleton). "How come your garlic is all concentrated in that one spot." Fuck you. I intended to do that asshole.

I didn't take a picture but after the potatoes have roasted for 20 min toss in some garlic broccoli for 10 min. After 10 min pull the broccoli and add the covered salmon (salt and peppered) for 5 min. Pull the salmon and brush with some sweet ass BBQ sauce. Return to oven and bake for another 7 min uncovered. After 7 min pull everything. Got it all there you quick thinker you?

Dinner is served. Love it. What you got? Nothing. Eat it.

Sweet Ass BBQ Sauce

Okay all the fucking recipes around for BBQ sauce call for "1 bottle of BBQ sauce." What the fuck is up with that? I am trying to MAKE BBQ sauce NOT embellish it. Jesus Christ. It is just so fucking stupid to include what you are trying to make in the ingredient list. That's like defining a word with itself. To swim: like swimming, you know? Is there no limit to the stupidity of humanity? Damn. Let's begin:


Get a large pot. No, bigger than that dumbass. Okay that will work. Now start dumping shit in the pot: 1 14oz can of stock (beef or veggie), 1/4c rice vinegar (white will work you uncultured swine), 1/4-1/2c Worcestershire, 2 6oz cans tomato paste, 1 15oz can tomato sauce, 1/2c brown sugar, 1/2c maple/pancake syrup, 2tbl Old Bay, 1tbl ancho chili powder, 1tbl paprika, 2tsp cayenne, 1tsp sage, 1 tsp tumeric, and 3 cloves of garlic. Simmer for 1 1/2 hours. "What is a simmer again?" Didn't we already fucking go over this? A simmer, you assclown, is a well controlled slight boil. Start on five and then move to three on your burner. Sometimes you really test the limits of my patience.

This sweet ass BBQ sauce can be applied to many choice culinary delights. As seen above I decided to toss my chicken wings with it. Use on ribs, tofu, whatever. I don't really care what you do with it as long as it still pertains to food. Sicko.

Breakfast Waffle Sandwich

Place an over easy egg and bacon between two frozen waffles genius. Top with syrup. What? You thought I was going to make my own waffles? Yeah, right.

Southwestern Pasta Salad

I discovered this recipe while in the waiting room of my psychiatrist. He has some good magazines to read while the other crazy is finishing up their session. This pasta salad is fantastic on its own or you can top it with shrimp, steak, or anything else meaty. Do not attempt to top with pizza or another pasta dumbass. Let's begin:

Make a 16oz box of farfalle (bowtie pasta genius) or just under a box depending on how you like it. Cook according to manufacturer's instructions. While the pasta is still warm toss with 1/3c oil, 1/4c lime juice, 1tbl ancho chili powder, 1tbl Old Bay, 2tsp cumin, 1/2tsp salt, and 2 cloves of garlic. Cool the mixture. "Should I put it in the fridge?" Are you fucking retarded? Just cool it to room temperature. Damn.

Once it has cooled add 1 can of corn, 1 can of black beans, 1 diced red pepper and 1/4c chopped cilantro. Garnish with fresh diced tomatoes. "Why does all your shit always have corn and black beans? Can't you make anything else or at least something that is not from a can?" Fuck you, you dumb piece of shit. Corn and black beans are a fantastic staple for a vegetarian diet (women tend to be vegetarians) and I buy the cans in bulk from Costco. Do you want to soak beans and cut up fresh corn all the fucking time? I didn't think so. Suck it.

Blackened Shrimp

Okay moron. Let's see if you can actually pull off a shrimp dish. These are by far and away the easiest shellfish to whip up in your kitchen so if you fuck these up DO NOT try any other crustaceans, or mollusks for that matter (i.e. anything you eat that comes from the sea and is not a fish you tard). I wish you the best of luck in this elementary endeavour. Not really; I hope you fail. Let's begin:

For this recipe we employ the age old technique of 'shake and bake,' or in this case 'shake and sear.' Make sure you have an opened, oversized beer to consume; DO NOT drink Pabst you wackass hipster. Throw your shrimp into a ziplock bag and then throw in a bunch of Old Bay blackened. Zip it up and shake that bitch like you caught her stealing money out of your wallet.

Heat up your dry pan to about a seven and then toss on your badass seasoned shrimp. Cook for ~1-2 min on each side. Do not use pre-cooked shrimp, genius, and be sure to de-shell and de-vein them if they did not come that way already. I can just see you biting into the shell and saying wow this asshole guy sucks at cooking. Actually you are the asshole who cannot cook. Jerkoff.

You can tell when they are done because they are no longer grey and have turned pinkish. Also look down the center and make sure they are meaty and not translucent (remember our word of the day?). Move to a plate and enjoy, fucker.

Simple Breakfast Tacos

So this morning I need something to eat as I am flying solo and oatmeal or cereal sounds way to vanilla for my refined palate. I could go the full nine and make a real filling for breakfast tacos but I would have a shitload of leftovers so fuck it. I do, however, have leftover homemade enchilada sauce that I think could come in handy. Didn't make the enchilada recipe? Fuck you; Now you can't make this breakfast. Eat it. Oh wait, you can't. Loser. Let's begin:

Start by making bacon. You could get another pan ready, waste some vegetable oil, wait for it to heat up, and then fry your tortillas OR you could just toss them in the already sizzling bacon grease for 30 sec per side. Your choice. Don't be a dummy. Stack on paper towels to drain.

Whisk together three eggs and a little bit of cold water. Don't forget to use salt and pepper genius. Pour eggs into the same pan with all the bacon grease in it. Wait for the bottom to cook a little and then, with a wooden spoon, push it towards the center of the pan. Let the uncooked shit touch the bottom of the pan in a ring around the cooked shit. Damn this is hard to explain but you would not get it even if I could effectively communicate to other humans so fuck you. Cook some damn eggs asshole.

Once the eggs are looking pretty good and are no longer in liquid form, dollop on some enchilada sauce and then top with a buttload of cheese. Cover and remove from heat.

Line your bacon grease tortillas with bacon and top with your bacon grease cheezy eggs. Breakfast is served. "Hey this is just you making shit that is in your fridge. This is not a real recipe." Goddammit this was a lesson on the notion of concept cooking which means you make do with what you got (i.e. ingenuity and resourcefulness). I have bacon, tortillas, eggs, and enchilada sauce. I also have a shitload of veggies but fuck that. Even when I am trying to help you, you somehow manage to fuck everything up. Good job dick. I hope you feel good about yourself.

Old Bay Haiku

hey old bay you are

so fine you blow my mind hey

old bay hey old bay

fantastic on crab

born in the state of the blue

also great on fish

jazz up deviled eggs

paprika has met its match

eat shit and die bitch

lemon and garlic

two of the varieties but

blackened is the bomb

other spices can

kiss its ass because it has

the ultimate taste

Haiku sucks big butts

this form of poetry lame

America rules

Nut Bars

Are you ready for some nutty deliciousness? That's what I thought. This recipe is from the shelf of my mother-in-law so I have high expectations to meet. Oops! I mean I am a single player and get lots of different fine ladies every night, bitch. The simplicity of this recipe is what makes it so great. There are no 'hints of lavender' or 'edible flowers' involved. Just nut. So get ready to bite off a piece of tasty goodness. Let's begin:

Start by making a pie crust. Omit the salt and use 2tbl of sugar. Push it into a 9x9 pyrex. This is much more difficult to accomplish than I anticipated. DO NOT form dough into an oblate spheroid as this will make it even harder. Ease the dough into the pyrex with your hands and make sure it is spread out evenly. You don't want it all lumpy like your freakishly shaped head. Bake it at 350 deg for 25 minutes.

Wait for crust to cool slightly. Mix 1 1/2c brown sugar, 1c walnuts, 2tbl flour, 1tsp vanilla, and 2 eggs in a large bowl (I saw you reaching for a plate). Pour over crust and spread it out. Make sure it is even dumbass. Bake at 325 deg for 35 minutes or something like that. My recipe says 25 minutes but that was definitely not the case for me so fuck that.

Here is the finished product generations in the making. "What the hell is that compression mark in the center. That sure ruined your nuts." Hey! That mark, idiot, is where I stuck the knife in to see if it was done. I typically do not have to use this rudimentary technique but since the timing was off on the recipe I had to just to make sure I was right, and I was. Suck it.

Vegetarian Stuffed Peppers

"Why do you keep cooking vegetarian crap? Meat rules!" Well you have a point. Meat does 'rule' but my significant other is a vegetarian so I am forced to come up with creative vegetarian dishes. "Stuffed peppers are not really that creative." Fuck you dickhead what do you got? Nothing. That is why you are reading this instead of actually coming up with something yourself. Dick. Let's begin:

Clean out your peppers and for the love of God get the red ones you cheap asshole. They will be much more flavorful than any other kind and your lady will thank you for it. Make sure they are free of all blemishes, unlike your mom's face, and robust in nature, like your mom in terms of her size. That means I just called your mom ugly and fat dumbass.

Simmer your disemboweled peppers for 10 minutes or so while you start your stuffing. Saute your favorite fake meat product (I would NOT recommend the breakfast sausage or chick'n nuggets) with an onion and maybe some garlic if you feel like it. "Well how much garlic?" Holy shit you truly are incapable of learning anything. Just look at the damn shit and ask yourself how much is right? Here it would be 1-2 cloves okay? You got your fucking answer.

Once your fake meat crap is a little browned and the onions are translucent (i.e. clear, genius) toss in 1 can of corn, 1 1/2c cooked rice, 1 can of tomato sauce, and some salt and pepper. Seriously guys, this is the easiest thing ever; If you cannot make this dish I would abandon all hope for ever accomplishing anything in the kitchen. Simmer for a few minutes and remove from heat.

Stick your four peppers in a casserole dish small enough so that it props them up. Spoon your filling into the peppers and haphazardly dump in any leftover crap. Smother with cheddar cheese (or not).

Bake at 350 deg for 20 min; Cover halfway through. "Whoa that shit is fugly!" Okay I will admit this does not look super appetizing but once you fish out the stuffed peppers and put them in a bowl or on a plate they look and taste super fantastic number one. Enjoy.

Brown rice

No fucking way. I was joking in the header! You seriously need me to tell you how to make rice? Holy shit. It tells you how on the damn package! I cannot fucking believe I am doing this. Let's begin you dumb asshole:

Get a freaking pot and decide how much rice you would like to consume. Think triple genius (i.e. 1cup dried will produce 3cups wet). This is the dummed down version so I do not want to hear from you purists. Pour into empty pot. No matter how much rice you are making toss in double the water and some butter if you like. Cover and boil.

When it boils drop the heat down to level two as seen here. If it starts to boil over lift up the pot for a second. DO NOT uncover, idiot.

When all the water has evaporated (about 40 minutes for brown rice but shorter for white rice) remove from heat and let stand for about five minutes. Let me guess you fucked it all up didn't you? I knew it.

Broccoli, Red Pepper, and Cheddar Cheese Soup

This silky sensual soup is perfect for those cold rainy days when you are stuck inside with your lady. The soup, however, cannot assist your lack of conversational skills, sorry. Just turn on the TV; Hopefully the "Bad Girls Club" is on the Oxygen network. Let's begin:

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oitadIcaotusespaces,'n'or'b'ulessIcopyadpaste.Iamtiredofdoig
thatsosuckitadtrytodeciphermyscriptasshole.Prepyourveggies
adcheese:oeredpepper,oeheadofroccoli,oeoio,adtwocupsof
cheddarcheese.OhmyGodthisfuckigsucksass.Tooadyouarethe
oetryigtoreadit.Ikowwhatthefuckitsays.Forthisrecipethily
slicethestemsofyourroccolisowecasautethemwiththeoio.

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Tamales

About a week ago I heard rapping on my front door. I greeted the stranger and asked what I could do for her. The little Mexican lady announced she was selling tamales and inquired if I would like any to which I replied fuck no. I am not going to buy tamales, or any other cooked food product for that matter, from a stranger who is at best without any food licensing and at worst trying to poison me. So a few days later my lady says she has a surprise for me: fucking tamales. Those persistent bastards returned when I was not home and sold them to my lady! So I am stuck with these potentially lethal tamales but I decide to cheat death and consume them. Holy fuck those tamales were the bomb! So how do you make them? Pay the nice lady for the tamales; pretend you made them.

Upside Down Apple Shit

This shit is basically an upside down separated apple pancake but a crapload sweeter. It is a two serving recipe so you can share if your flavor of the day is still hanging around the next morning; It can also be an ambitious solo serving if you managed to get that young lady on her way. After you flip this bizdiggy the sweet baked apples sit atop a thick pancake layer like an angel on a cloud. Let's begin:



Thinly slice 2 smallish apples which should be equivalent to two cups. Toss with 1/3c melted butter, 1/4c sugar, 1/2tsp cinnamon and turn into a pie pan. Bake in the oven at 350 deg for 10 min. Not rocket surgery here folks.

While the apples are in the oven whisk together 1c bisquick, 3/4c water, 1 tsp vanilla, 1/2tsp cinnamon. "Bisquick?!? Are YOU fucking serious? Doesn't that go against everything you believe?" Oh ye of little faith. I just made my own pancake batter and added the vanilla and cinnamon. I figured you were too damn lazy to make your own so I took pity on your weary soul and gave you the option of using the trash you have in your trailer.

Pour the bisquick mix, or real shit if you have any balls, slowly and evenly over the baked apples. Return to oven for 15 min to finish her off.

Don't get the sniffles you big baby, the cracks are okay. Didn't you realize that we are going to flip this motherfucker, hence the upside down part? You didn't? Oh. Wow. Damn.

Let the shit cool for like 10 min or so. Put a large plate over the pie pan and flip it super fast. Don't let it slip you fuck up. You don't want to ruin it after it is finished cooking. That would be tragic, and the story of your life.