Lompoc - C-Note IPA

Lompoc is a local Portland brewery that just started bottling their brews. Until recently you could only get them on tap at their public houses. I remember having very strong feelings for their draft C-note but when it comes to the bottled version I give it a 'what the fuck?' It is good I guess but not crazy sick awesome like on tap. Also the color is not like I remembered either. I thought it was more citrus-y like the other great IPAs. They should stick to draft beers. 3 out of 5. Don't drink the bottle but do visit their multiple locations and have a C-note on tap.

Russian River Brewing - Blind Pig IPA

What is the old saying? Even a blind pig finds a truffle now and then? Well this blind pig found a shitload of truffles. Russian River is a phenomenal brewery and this beer is the fucking shit! Just look at that color. That is the ideal look for an IPA so don't fucking forget it. This beer has the perfect citrus hop flavor and there are no bitch ass malts in sight to cover it up. This goes down in my book as one of the best beers out there along with Brutal and Blue Dot. 5 out of 5. Drink the motherfucking shit out it.

More Moon Pizzas

So last night I made more badass moon pizzas for dinner. Except this time I did a little something different with the filling. I sauteed some garlic and mushrooms and then added some spinach until it was just barely wilted and then removed it from heat. "How is that different? That sounds the same as last time." I added mushrooms you fucking idiot. That is the difference. I was also thinking of adding some broccoli but I decided to pass. "Why are you telling me all this?" Oh my God you are so fucking dense. I am trying to teach you that you can make a moon pizza out of anything and everything so use this dish as a fridge cleaner, genius. Some things just don't get through your thick skull do they? Eat it, asshole.

Dogfish Head - Burton Baton

The Dogfish Head brewery is not in the Northwest but they do make some killer brews that are worthy of the Northwest's respect so I feel obliged to review this release. According to their website this brew is "a blend of oak-aged English strong ale and [their] 90 Minute IPA." This 10% beer is over the fucking top. It is an okay sipping brew but it is not for the backyard BBQ (use Hair of the Dog Blue Dot IPA or Rogue Brutal Bitter for that). The oak and malts dominate the flavor and the citrus hops are barely noticeable. Totally weak. It tastes like the oak aging was done in used Jack Daniel's barrels but not in a good way. Overall I am disappointed with this brew and do not suggest you pick it up for any occasion which is just a damn shame. 3 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Fire Death Shrimp

These fire death shrimp are fucking hot as the depths of hell so get ready to go running for the hills crying for mommy. You should only attempt to consume them if you have recently been checked out by a gastroenterologist (stomach doctor, stupid). These shrimp are so fire hot they make everything else you have ever had look like child's play. They are perfect for the boastful individual who thinks they are immune to spicy foods. Make these to fuck them. Let's begin:

Take your shelled and de-veined shrimps and liberally (I hate liberals!) coat them in harissa. "Hey, I am a liberal and I believe America should have big government that eventually turns us into a functional socialist nation." You are everything that is wrong with this country you dumb fucker. First off there would be nothing 'functional' about it and second big government fucking sucks ass. I say back off you fucks and get the hell out of my life. This is America dammit and I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want to.

Get a cast iron skillet real hot like at about a 6 or a 7 and toss those puppies down for about a minute and a half per side. That means flip them dumbass.

And there you have it: fire death shrimp. Serve over rice or some other shit like that. Do whatever you want I don't really give a fuck. Eat it.

Bacon Brownies

Don't say you didn't see it coming from a mile away. Did you really think I would pass up on this opportunity? Once again bacon has turned an ordinary, dessert into a well rounded meal. "You are one sick bastard." I think the person who did not think of the bacon brownies is the sick one. That would be you, fucker. To continue after being rudely interrupted, when I made bacon cookies there was not that bacon hit in every bite. This time I decided not to break it up so finely so you would really be able to taste the bacon. Plus I added extra bacon. To make these you just make your brownie batter and add eight strips of thick cut bacon. Be sure to break it into pieces dumbass. Eat it.

Lunch

What did you have for lunch today? You probably made that shitty microwave pasta that is all the rage. Or did you get an overpriced underpacked sandwich at the local market? Don't tell me you went to Subway! Anyway I am positive you spent too much money and your lunch sucked balls. My lunch, on the other hand, was an Oregon lamb steak with harissa on the side for under $3.50. I cooked it to perfection on a cast iron skillet. Oh it was so fucking good, you have no idea. Eat it. Oh wait, you can't. Sucker.

Garlic Fire Paste

Also known as harissa, this garlic fire paste is the bomb on meaty goodness. The key is to cook your steak with just salt and pepper and apply the harissa afterwards as a complimentary flavor. "I doubt this is hot enough for me. I love really, really hot stuff." That's what she said. "Damn, you got me." That's right I did, sucker. A little taste of your own medicine there baby. Anyway this paste will make your face sweat. "That's what she said." You fucking suck. Let's begin:

De-stem and de-seed 1/2c of dried hot red chili peppers. "Can I just use the stuff I put on pizza?" You absolutely cannot. That would be really, really stupid, even for you. Soak the peppers until they are as soft (about 45 min).

In a bowl mix together 7 minced cloves of garlic, 1tsp coriander, 1tsp cumin, and 1/4tsp salt. Dice up your soft ass peppers and mix them in. You can use a mortar and pestle but I just used the backside of a ladle.

Add about a tablespoon of water and you got yourself some garlic fire paste. This stuff is so hot it will take the paint off your car so be forewarned. Knowing your dumbass you will probably test it with a gigantic spoonful and end up in the hopital. Eat it.

Snoqualmie Brewery - Copperhead Pale Ale

I found this Snoqualmie (snow-qual-me, stupid) pale ale at my local specialty shop and figured I would give it a test run as I have never heard of it before. Bad idea. If 'pale' means devoid of taste and generally shitty, this beer is spot on. It just fucking sucks and their website is even worse. I bet their brewery and tap room are in a damn strip mall. This is a microbrew for sales people and stuck up ladies in heels who need a showpiece that screams 'look at me I drink micro-brews' but really your beer sucks balls. You have no culture. In fact this beer is perfect for a piece of crap like yourself. 2 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Witkap-Pater - Singel

No I am not speaking in tongues, Witkap-Pater is the name of the most recent beer I purchased. I love Belgian beers and you should too. I have seen doubles (dubbel) and tripples (trippel) but never a single (singel). Interest peaked, I had to bring it home for some serious one on one action. This beer is the perfect introduction to Belgian beers for an ignoramous such as yourself. It is light and floral in character and has the sweetness of fermented apple juice. If you are interested in branching out into belgian beers anytime soon I would suggest starting here. For the seasoned vetran, however, this tastes like Budweiser. "Where can I get Belgian beers?" Gee, maybe a specialty beer store dumbass. You can't buy this shit at Safeway. 3.5 out of 5 but only for the novice. Drink it newbie.

Pork Explosion Quiche

Well I have leftover pork, bacon, and cheddar cheese; Time to make a motherfucking quiche. "What the fuck? You always make quiches. Quiches suck." I am going to pretend you didn't say that so I don't do anything I will regret or that will land me in prison. Quiches are the best breakfast in the history of breakfasts so don't fucking tell me that quiches suck. I am sorry your life is so depressing you have to take it out on breakfast dishes. Not really, loser. Let's begin:

Make a pie crust, pork loin, and bacon. Line the bottom of the pie crust with grated cheddar cheese, add your meat, and top with more cheese. Pour in nine whisked eggs. I don't do that Frenchie poofter bullshit with all the cream and crap. I just pour eggs over meat and cheese, America style. Suck it France.

Give your pathetically patient dog some pork before his head explodes.

375 deg and 40ish minutes later you got yourself one sexy beast; It is like an omelet and a pie crust caught in the bestial act of fornication. Eat it.

Another Lazy Saturday

Today I had another lazy motherfucking Saturday. I played me some golf and then grilled up a large hunk of pork, if you know what I mean. I took this picture of the leftovers this morning so I am thinking about a sweet ass omelet right now. Too bad you don't have any leftover pork, loser. I used my pork rub recipe but this hunk was about a pound larger. "That's what she said." Knock it off dammit. I told you that shit is played. Oddly I found that it took about the same amount of time to cook. I think my fire was a lot warmer this time. Remember to keep your temperature down folks. "So you fucked it up?" No dumbass. Did you see the picture? It was still really fucking good but I am just trying to keep learning so I can perfect it. What about you? That's right; You got nothing.

Brooks Winery - 2007 Runaway Red

A friend was nice enough to bring this bottle of Brooks' Oregon pinot noir over but after seeing a picture of Trotsky on the label, I immediately became suspect. Such marketing techniques are often used to mask shitty contents and, of course, this was no exception. "Hey! I like bottles with pictures of dead guys whose politics I am totally unfamiliar with yet admire, like that guy Che." Case in point. You are the reason fancy labels exist. If it were up to me every label would be black and white text only. Although the wine was definitely a nice table wine, it was not for pure solitary enjoyment, certainly not for $18 a bottle. 3 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Dick's Brewing - Best Bitter

Potty humor aside, this bitter dick is the epitome of what a beer should be. The malts and hops are in perfect harmony as this dick penetrates the mouth and slides down the throat. The bitterness hits hard but retreats in sweetness. It truly is one of a kind. Once while I was bartending we had this beer and Brutal Bitter on tap and when you combined the two you got an amazing beer named, you got it, the 'brutal dick.' Okay okay, jokes aside this is one fine dick so be sure to have your lady pick it up next time you send her to the store. Although, she might look at you funny when you ask her to grab some dick at the market. 5 out of 5. Drink that dick down.

The Heart Stopper

This morning I had a bizarre craving for a grilled cheese, but not just any grilled cheese; I wanted the sick and unholy "Heart Stopper." What is the Heart Stopper you ask? It is a grilled cheese filled to the brim with various pork products. Today I have bacon and salami so this is going to be some good eating. I only wish I had pepperoni too. "You are one sick piece of shit." Fuck you, you hypocritical dipshit. You know you want it. Let's begin:
Butter one side of a piece of good quality bread (no Wonder bread jackass) and put it face down in a pan (i.e. butter side down genius). Put down one layer of cheddar cheese and then one layer of salami (use up to eight slices). Oh man this is looking good.

Make bacon. Add another layer of cheese, four strips of bacon, and finally another layer of cheese. Top with another piece of bread. "Still butter side down?" Are you fucking kidding me? Use some damn common sense, assclown.

Grill over medium heat until each side looks like this. Perfect once again. This was one of the best breakfasts I have had in a long time. The spiciness of the salami really complimented my coffee but it was subdued enought that I could still taste the bacon. Eat it.

Moon Pizza

Moon Pizza is an Italian delicacy that only the elite of society are permitted to consume. The peasants must eat their pizza flat, not folded over. If a person violates this law they may be sentenced to death by hanging. Luckily in America we can do whatever the hell we like and right now I am liking me some moon pizza. I decided to empty the fridge into this bad boy so please feel free to do the same. Just about anything will work in a moon pizza. Let's begin:

Saute some garlic (2-3) and for about a minute and then toss in some spinach (10oz) until wilted, about another minute. Add some sliced red onion and black olives. Set aside. For the filling you can really make fucking anything but be sure to pre-cook the fillings if required (i.e. don't use raw vegetables unless you want them to come out raw dumbass).

Make a pizza crust but don't use whole wheat flour. Divide the dough in half and roll out. Line the bottom with salami (not bologna) and top with your filling, chunks of mozzarella (American cheese slices will not work, loser), and another layer of salami. Maybe add one more layer of salami.

Fold the dough over the filling and seal the deal. Cut three vent holes in the top and brush with vegetable oil. "Is that top one supposed to be a burrito or some shit?" No, smart ass. I just fucked it up a little. Only God is perfect all the time. But I bet I can make a better moon pizza than Him.

In a fucking hot ass 500 deg oven cook your moon pizzas on the bottom rack for 13 minutes. Now you and your lady can eat like Italian royalty. Eat it.

Grilled Hippy Burgers

The portobella mushroom is gianormous and has a really meaty flavor and texture so it is perfect as a burger alternative for your stupid liberal hippy friends. Hippies love mushrooms. The prep for this dish is super easy so you will have no problem whipping it up in a jiffy which is good because hippies usually ambush you at your home when you are not expecting them. Do not let hippies stick around too long or they could end up being permanent residents, like fungus. Let's begin:

The basic way to make these hippy burgers is to cut off the stems and brush them down completely (both sides) with olive oil. There you have it; That is the motherfucking recipe. I, however, remembered that I had some leftover rosemary from my lamb and used that with some garlic. So you too can scrounge your empty fridge for items to flavor your hippy burgers.

Toss on the grill for 10 minutes per side but it really varies depending on how hot you got that bad boy going. I had a pretty raging fire and I did them for 8 min per side and they were fucking perfect, as usual. Place on a bed of arugula and spread a garlic aioli on your bun or in your case iceberg lettuce and mayo. Eat it.

Strawberry Lemon Pie

Okay people. I did not take a shit load of pictures because this pie is way too time consuming and difficult for you to make so you don't need the visual aids. I don't think you could even do it if you tried; I truly don't. In fact I only took one picture and it is of very shitty quality so fuck you. In any case this pie is freaking delicious; Too bad you can't make it. Let's begin:

Now I know this looks like a deranged alien clown face but it looks better in person. I swear. Start by making your filling. Whisk 2 eggs (cracked stupid), 1/2c sugar, and the juice from 1 lemon. Once you have completed this arduous task add 1/2 stick of butter and the grated rind of one lemon (grate it before you squeeze the juice out genius) and cook over medium heat until it thickens (6-8min). Put in a bowl, cover and fridge it for a couple hours. Time to make the crust. The recipe I used called for a cookie crust* which I did make but I found the dough fell apart really easily when trying to slide it in the pan. I would suggest using my regular crust as it is the bomb and easy to work with. Cut a bunch of slices in the bottom of the crust and fridge it for an hour. Take a beer break. Put the crust in a 400 deg oven for 20 minutes or so. Cool it completely. Make a strawberry reduction and cool it. Spoon the filling into the cooled pie shell and put the strawberries on top and brush them with the reduction. Chill for a few hours. See fucker? I told you there was no chance in hell you would ever make this shit. Eat it.

* For cookie crust make the same one as I do but use 3tbl sugar and instead of water use and egg yolk and 2tbl of heavy cream.

Garlic Rosemary Grilled Lamb

Today on my trip to the local market I spotted these cheap ass lamb chops that were fresh from an Oregon farm: much better than fucking frozen and shipped from Australia or some other bullshit. So I bought me a chop to toss on the grill (for less than $4 sucker) but I figured I would gussy it up a little to impress. Let's begin:

Rub your meat down with some fresh rosemary (take it off the stem stupid), minced garlic, salt and cover with red onion slices. "Can I use dried rosemary and garlic salt?" What the fuck do you think? Hell fucking no. That would completely and totally defile your lamb. If you are too damn lazy to get fresh rosemary and garlic just rub it down with salt and pepper. God you piss me off sometimes. I try to make something nice and all you ever do is ruin it for everyone. Way to go.

After letting the rubbed down lamb kick it in the fridge for about an hour, toss that baby on the grill over direct heat for about 7-10 min per side. Remember it is okay if your baby lamb steak is bloody; It's red meat.

Lunch is served. This lamb was freaking awesome so you better try this one. You can also do the same thing with beef but if it is a nice cut you want to leave it to good old salt and pepper, dumbass. Eat it.

Bridgeport Ales - Hop Czar

"Did you not get it through your thick skull that we want more cooking and less fucking beer reviews? Damn you drink a lot of beer." I have this one last beer to review and then we can move on jackass. I do it in the name of journalism. Bridgeport is the Budweiser of micro-breweries here in Portland so most of their brews are mediocre at best. So it comes as no surprise that their new releases entitled 'Big Brews' are nothing to write home about. Hey dumbasses! You are about five fucking years too late on the whole imperial bandwagon. It's like they showed up late to the gold rush and can't find shit. What do you expect? I have to give it a 3 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Dear King Ass,

What the fuck is up with this shit?!? Are you just a booze review site now or is my computer broken? Some of us live on the other side of the country and can't get these specialty beverages so we don't give a flying fuck what you think about them. GET BACK TO THE COOKING, ASSHOLE! "I just wanted to take a little break and..." Break time is over. Get the fuck back in the kitchen and make me some fucking food dickhead. "Well you don't have to be so rude about it." Like fun I don't. Otherwise your lazy ass will just keep drinking and throwing whole pieces of meat on the grill and calling it a meal. Fuck that bullshit.
- Your Readers

Kings Ridge - 2007 Oregon Pinot Noir

Once again in some delusional, ass backwards mindset I picked up a shitty non-Willamette Valley wine in hopes it would be good. This time it bit me in the ass. This wine was fucking foul; Transients would turn it down. After sipping on this, Mad Dog 20/20 mango flavor was actually starting to sound pretty good. But while looking at the label I began to think it looked awfully similar to the not so bad Underwood Cellars. Then I did a little sleuthing and found out that they are both owned by Union Wine Company. Way to fuck up and be super inconsistent, geniuses. They are probably using the same fucking grapes it is just one dude sucks and the other is not so bad. Get new dudes at Kings Ridge. They can obviously do better. 1 out of 5. Don't drink this trash.

Hair of the Dog - Blue Dot Double IPA

We are all familiar with Hair of the Dog's usual suspects (Adam, Fred, Greg, and Ruth), but Blue Dot is their new 2009 spring release. Hot damn! Now this beer is a perfect example of what a double IPA should taste like. The malty hit is as smooth as a high priced hooker and the hops finish it off like a solid reach-a-round. Hair of the Dog's brews are usually off the charts concerning ABV but this one registers at a drinkable 7%: a far cry from either Adam or Fred. I am so in love with this beer I am getting excited just writing about it. I have to give it my first 5 out of 5. Drink the shit out of it and then ask it to marry you.

Super Easy Grilled Chops

This recipe is so easy even the totally inept dregs of society, such as yourself, are capable of pulling it off with flying colors. No overnight marinades, pan-Asian sauces, or any other bullshit: just good old fashioned pork, America style. "But I like 'Asian' influenced American cuisine." You disgust me with your lack of culture. Me? I got culture coming out of my ass. Let's begin:

Take your chops and rub in some salt and pepper. Now lightly cover them in good ol' fashioned flour but be sure to shake off any excess. "Can I use whole wheat flour?" What are you, fucking dumb or something? Hell no. Only use regular flour.

Put the chops on a super hot grill over direct heat. Be sure to cover while you are cooking, stupid, or you will end up with two more pieces of charcoal. Cook for about ten minutes per side but this really depends on the thickness of your chops. You kinda have to eyeball it. You do NOT want red pork dummy. If you burned them and they are red in the middle move them to indirect heat and continue cooking with the cover on.

Here is lunch. I could have bought a sandwich from the local hipster boutique food store or, for the same price, I could chomp on some killer chops. Eat it.

Beer Valley Brewing - Leafer Madness IPA

Okay you dirty, stoner hippies, this bud is for you. Shitty marketing ploy aside, this Imperial IPA gets the job done at 9% ABV. The only reservation I have is that the malts are just to damn strong on the initial hit. Once you are halfway you don't really notice anymore, mostly because of all the whiskey you had earlier, but it still left a poor taste in my mouth. They advertise a butt load of hops but you could fool me. I thought Oregon had a strangle hold on killer IPAs but I realized Beer Valley Brewing is closer to Idaho than Portland. Idaho beer sucks ass. Also for the record the real beer valley is the Willamette dickheads. But overall this was a well done brew that will satisfy both the most elite palate and yours, junkie. I give it a 3.5 out of 5 due to the excessive malt action. Drink it.

Coffee

Oh sweet Jesus here we go again. Do I really have to tell you how to fucking make coffee? I swear to God my next post is going to be titled 'How to Walk.' In any case, everyone needs coffee to function and continue living, like water, so you might as well know how to make it. Due to my superior elitism I typically only drink espresso but today I will consume the common man's drip coffee because I know a peon like yourself does not own an espresso machine. Let's begin:

Decide how many cups of coffee you would like to drink. Don't get out the measuring cups you idiot; You can use the coffee pot itself as it has markings on it, genius. Pour into the top of the coffee maker. Make sure the lid is open, jackass.

Time to put the coffee in the filter. I poured in six cups of water so I am going to put in eight heaping tablespoons of coffee. You can adjust this amount any which way you like it for stronger or weaker coffee. Knowing your pansy ass you will probably only need one tablespoon. Only use locally roasted coffee, you cheap bastard.

Turn the damn thing on motherfucker!

And there you have it. "There are grinds in my coffee! What the hell?" Did you use a coffee filter? "No." Dumbass. I knew you would find a way to fuck it up. Enjoy your shitty coffee retard.

Baron Brewing - Rauchbier

A rauchbier is essentially like drinking a campfire. The smokey flavor is overwhelming for most people but for those with refined palates, however, this beer is quite the delicacy. "I thought you said this was a raunchy beer." Sorry you freak pervert but this beer has nothing to do with your backroom shenanigans despite the similarities in annunciation. Baron Brewing, out of Seattle, Washington, brews a damn fine rauchbier. Bearing a plain black and white label, the bottle contains a patient brew which is ready to pounce at any given moment. The smoke is not overwhelming and the overall 'thickness' is minimal so this can be enjoyed in front of a crackling fire in the dead of winter or around the campfire on a hot summer night. For its style I give it a 4 out of 5. Drink it.

Sweet Potatoes Fucking Blow

This is the one and only time you will see sweet potato on this blog. Why? Because they fucking blow dumbass. They are the illegitimate child of the regular potato and the common diseased streetwalker. The sweet potato has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It even looks like a punk. "But I like sweet potato. Please tell me how to make it." Fuck no. If you enjoy the foul nature of this disgusting root you are mentally disturbed and a sick masochist, you freak. If I were grand overlord of the world I would make it my first priority to purge them off the face of our planet. Don't ever fucking eat this gross shit.

Habanero Buffalo Burgers

Back in the olden days when woolly mammoths and saber toothed tigers roamed the plains of America there was also another beast: the buffalo. The buffalo was a fierce predator with a ruthless hunger for the weak and young of the human race. Through DNA samples scientists were able to clone the wild monster and now we can enjoy it for our consumption. Who owns who now bitch? Let's begin:

Start by dicing up a habanero pepper. They are the little orange ones dumbass. Be sure to use your bare hands; Rub your eyes and adjust your junk right after you dice them up. Buffalo meat is lean enough that you do not need an egg or any bullshit like that. Just mix in the pepper and form a patty out of it. Make sure the habanero is mixed in evenly or else you will be fucked. Toss on a hot grill for about five minutes per side.

Take that evolution! Think you can extinct a species? Think again. Welcome to the world of Man. Possible toppings include but are not limited to: bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, red onion, etc.

Scott Paul - 2006 La Paulee

Today we sip on another fine Willamette Valley pinot noir from the good fellows at Scott Paul. La Paulee is a mixture of grapes from four different blocks of four different estates. Each block has its own micro climate and particular taste. Unless you are shelling out $75+ a bottle you will be tasting the combination of multiple vineyards, and not a particular block of a vineyard. In any case, everything about this wine points in the right direction. The nose is full and the first sip is as smooth as a duck pissing on ice. The afternote does conflict a little with the lingering taste of toothpaste in the morning but that is only to be expected. At $30 a bottle this definitely passes the test. Drink it.

BMGT

"What the fuck is a BMGT?" A BMGT, ignoramus, is a BLT with mixed greens instead of lettuce. The traditional iceberg lettuce fucking sucks some serious ass and has zero nutritional value. Mixed greens, on the other hand, are tasty and good for you. Chicks dig healthy shit. Let's begin:

Choose your bread wisely. Here I have a multi-grain from "Dave's Killer Bread" which is a bit of an unsettling name as "Dave" is a convicted felon. No joke. So fittingly his bread is of a murderously good nature.

The layering of the BMGT is complex and pre-meditated. Start with your toasted bread and slap on some mayo. No, not on both sides of the slice you fucking idiot. Put down some mixed greens, upon which place two strips of bacon, then two slices of tomato, two more strips of bacon, and finally some more mixed greens. This way your tomato will not make your bread all mushy. Everyone hates mushy bread. Eat it.