Horseradish - Mint Sauce

I once again purchased a lamb steak for dinner and I need an accompaniment. "What the fuck is up with you and lamb?" Well, dumbass, the local market sells fresh (never frozen) lamb steaks from a farm in Riddle, Oregon for $3.99 per lb. Why do I bother telling you this? Because, stupid, you need to find out what meats are local to you and buy them. Odds are they will be cheaper and they will definitely be awesomer. When you buy nice cuts of red meat, however, it is best to cook them with only salt and pepper and serve them with a condiment. This is that condiment. Let's begin:


Get a small bowl and toss in about 1/2c of sour cream. Add 1tsp to 1tbl of horseradish, depending on how big of a sissy you are, 1 tbl Dijon mustard and one minced clove of garlic. Finely chop up 2-3 tbl fresh mint, not the candied shit genius, add it to your mixture, and stir it all around. Taste it to see if you would like to add more mint or horseradish. Take this step slowly. You can always add more, but you can't take any out. This sauce also worked out real well as a condiment for salmon burgers. The heat of the horseradish is mellowed by the mint: perfect for a nice summer evening. Eat it.

Old Lompoc - Lompoc Special Draft

This LSD may be a dark, thick, malty ale that stops just short of the porter/stout category, but it has some serious sparkle that gives it a colorful complexion. The good vibes that reverberate from the bottle are so strong you can hear them. This brew shocks and awes the most seasoned veteran while consuming the mind and turning everything upside down. You will never think the same again. Barkeep! I will take another pint of LSD, please. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Chilles Rellenos Breakfast Casserole

This morning I was mulling over what to have for breakfast. A crappy bagel? Another boring ass egg sandwich? Mexican lasagna? Damn! I started cursing my kitchen for having the worst breakfast options ever. While I was kicking the dishwasher, it hit me; I have leftover poblano peppers I need to use and I also have an assload of cheese. Time to make a fucking chilies rellenos breakfast casserole, bitches! Let's begin:

Roast, peel, and gut four poblano peppers. If you have not been paying attention (I know you have not been, slacker) click here to find out how to perform this task. Roll up chunks of cheddar in your peppers and place them in a single layer in a deep casserole dish. You know it is deep because it makes stupid comments like "the universe is one giant wavelength and we are all just reverberations so surfs up, Bodie."

Whisk up five eggs with some cold water and pour over your stuffed peppers. Top with a crapload of grated cheddar cheese. Place in a 350 deg oven, uncovered. After fifteen minutes cover it with aluminum foil and cook for another 25-30 min.

And there you have it. Another masterpiece from an empty kitchen. You probably would have settled for the bagel, loser. Eat it.

Seared Lamb with Porter Mustard

Since my lady is vegetarian and I usually cater to her dietary needs, I figured I would treat myself to a nice Lamb steak. "What marinade did you use? Did you rub it down with spices? Did you slice it up and put it in a Mexican dish?" All of these questions are flat out stupid. Why? Because to defile a beautiful steak in any of the aforementioned manners would be complete and utter blasphemy. A nice steak should only be prepared with salt and pepper but it can, however, be accompanied by a myriad of condiments. Today I decided to make a nice porter mustard sauce. Let's begin:

Start by whipping up your fine accompaniment. In a small bowl, toss in some Dijon mustard, a little porter or stout (I used Stone's Smoked Porter), and a hefty pinch of brown sugar. If your sauce is too thick, add more porter. If your sauce is too thin, add more mustard. Not rocket surgery here people.

Cook your lamb like a beef steak. Sear for five minutes flip and put in the oven for another five. Make sure your pan is designed for oven use, dumbass. You want your steak bloody. Overcooked lamb sucks ass.

And there you have it. A beautiful lamb steak with a nice porter mustard on the side. Heaven must be like this. Eat it.

Stone Brewing - Smoked Porter

You may already know Stone Brewing because of their wildly popular Arrogant Bastard Ale. Although Arrogant Bastard's call is as strong as the Sirens, Stone's best beer is their Smoked Porter. The first sip that rolls across your lips is as deceiving as a transvestite hooker but just as pleasurable. You get a strong, full bodied Porter and out of nowhere it transforms into a subtle smokey flavor reminiscent of a Rauchbier. If you listen closely you can hear the brew mockingly declare, "surprise bitches!" Although not for sissies, this beer is just a stones throw from perfect. 4.9 out of 5. Drink it.

Mexican Lasagna

I have been sitting on this Mexican Lasagna recipe for a while because I do not have any faith in your culinary skills. This dish takes over two hours to make and it is a total bitch. At this point, however, we have made just about every part of this dish in different settings so all this should be old hat. Right? You have been following along and cooking all these wonderful dishes I assume? "Yes we have." Okay then. Let's begin:

In a small saucepan mix 1 can of whole tomatoes with juice, 3 garlic, 1/2c chopped cilantro, a sprinkle of salt and a sprinkle of sugar. Mush up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon while you simmer the mixture for about 6 minutes. Set aside. Simple enough right?

Oops, I messed up the picture order but fuck you I don't feel like changing it. So first put 9 poblano peppers under the broiler for about 12 minutes. Turn them halfway through. When broiling be sure to leave the door open a crack, stupids. If you close the door your shit will fry. Also do not sit around like a dumbass waiting for the broiler to pre-heat. It is as hot as it needs to be off the bat. After your chilies have been roasted place them in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap to steam them. Once they are cool enough to handle, skin them and slice them open. Remove stem and seeds as seen above. Set aside.

Next step is to wilt your spinach. Cut the stems off two bunches of spinach. Heat up some oil in a large pot. Toss spinach in for a minute or two until wilted. Set aside.

Time to prepare your cream sauce. Lightly simmer 1c of heavy cream for 10 minutes and then add in 8oz of goat cheese. Stir in completely and remove from heat. Set aside. Note the super cute baby girl in picture. I found her in the park the other day and no one has claimed her yet so I may be stuck with her. *Editor's Note* - Before an Amber Alert goes out, this is his child.

Fry up six 6" tortillas in hot oil for 30 sec per side. Stack on a paper towel lined plate.

In a large casserole dish spread some of the tomato mixture on the bottom. Then top with three tortillas. Add a little more tomato mixture and then add one can of black beans (drained and rinsed, idiot).

Layer three poblanos over the black beans and top with spinach and then some cheezy mixture. Layer three more poblanos, the rest of the spinach, and some more cheese.

Layer your final three poblanos, the rest of your tomato mixture, the last three tortillas and the remaining cheezy mixture.

Cover with aluminum foil and bake at 350 deg for 35 minutes. With 12 minutes remaining on the timer, remove the aluminum foil. See! That was not that hard was it? I bet you are wishing you made some black bean burgers right now, huh? Eat it.

Hale's Ales - El Jefe Weizen Ale

Hale's Ales is a fantastic brewery in Seattle that focuses on English Ales but unfortunately for us in Portland, the El Jefe is the only readily available brew. That is not to say El Jefe sucks (it doesn't), but rather that Hale's has many finer brews. I was up really late one night and caught this cable access show called "Drinking with Daren." Despite the clever name, this guy Daren was a total fucking douche bag. He got to meet the owner of Hale's and had the opportunity to ask him all sorts of intelligent questions but alas he could barely form a sentence. It was incredibly awkward to watch the two interact as the owner of Hale's appeared to be a brilliant individual. Why am I telling you this? Because when Daren tasted the beauty of Hale's Ales all he could muster was "mmm, good." Fuck this idiot. What a great idea but horrible execution. In any case this El Jefe is a true weizen and has the authentic taste to it unlike so many other hefeweizens in the Pacific Northwest. You can tell it is proper because if you put a lemon in it, it would taste like shit. Fruit does not belong in beer. Period. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Black Bean Burgers II

Yesterday I had an un-Godly craving for black bean burgers but the first ones we made require red pepper which I did not have on hand. So what did I do? Give up and go hungry like a sucker? Make a trip to the store and prolong my hunger? Just omit the red pepper and make a shitty ass burger? Fuck no. I made me some makeshift black bean burgers that will knock your socks off. Seriously, these worked out very well for their rudimentary nature. I bet you can even make them without having to go to the corner market. Maybe. Let's begin:

Drain and rinse a can of black beans. Drain a 7oz can of pickled jalapenos with carrots and onion. Dice up contents as finely as possible. If you do not have pickled jalapenos salsa will work just fine, but unless you have some serious brain damage on your hands you already figured that one out. Place in a large bowl with the black beans. Mush like crazy until it has turned into a thick paste.

Add 1/3c breadcrumbs, 1/3c whole wheat flour, 1/2 onion, and some salt and pepper. White flour can be substituted for whole wheat flour but if you didn't already know that you have no business in the kitchen. So get out before you cause irreparable damage. Stir until combined.

Form into four patties. You can cook directly from here but I tossed them in the fridge for a little bit to give them that extra firmness. "What if mine are really mushy?" Is this a hypothetical or did you really fuck up already? If your mixture is super mushy for some bizzare reason, just add some more breadcrumbs or flour. No big deal dumbass.

Over medium heat, cook for about 6 minutes per side. Once you flip them (seen above) toss on a slice of cheddar cheese so it has time to get all melty. If you prefer, swiss would work quite nicely too. NO American cheese slices.

Serve on a toasty bun with mayo and spinach. Eat it.

Pyramid Breweries - Thunderhead IPA

Pyramid Breweries have been around for a while but they never really gained any respect amongst serious beer drinkers. In an effort to up their sales, Pyramid changed their labels and added a few new recipes. I would suggest dropping the Apricot Ale fuckheads. Apricot does not belong in a fucking beer. I was in Ohio for a minute and of course I hit up a bar. They had Magic Hat on tap, which is from Vermont, and I thought I would give it a shot. Turns out it was an Apricot Ale. I cursed the bartender and made them dump it out and serve me another fucking beer. What a bunch of assholes. But I digress. Thunderhead IPA is surprisingly good with a nice bright color but a questionable body, like a reverse butterface. I applaud your new brew, Pyramid. Just drop the fucking Apricot Ale from your line. Please. 3.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Deschutes Brewery - Red Chair IPA

As previously discussed, Deschutes Brewery is one of the largest microbreweries in Oregon. They just started releasing a large amount of specialty brews that do not fail to delight. This IPA is totally refreshing because they do not over-hop the damn thing. That is one pet peeve I have: when microbrews try to hop the shit out of beer. The Red Chair IPA is a nice mellow brew that goes down smooth without the extreme bitterness of other IPAs. It does not come close to other beers in this category (e.g. Blind Pig, Brutal Bitter, Blue Dot) but it definitely does not suck. 4 out of 5. Drink it.

Lemon Rockfish

This is a basic recipe for how to cook whitefish. Never mind that this particular fish is called 'rockfish.' It does not fucking matter at all as it is basically the same shit as any other whitefish. So here is your chance to actually use your tiny duck brain for something valuable. Add whatever you want to this dish: fresh herbs, fritos, bugles, etc. to jazz it up. Let's begin:

Wash your fillets thoroughly and pat them dry. Place in a Pyrex baking dish and rub down with oil. Sprinkle and salt and pepper all over. Place slices of lemon over the fish as seen above. If you decide to use fresh herbs, place them in between the fish and the lemon, dumbass. Cover with aluminum foil.

Bake at 400 deg for 20 minutes. Eat it.

Roasted Brussels Sprouts

These little guys were invented in Brussels, a small country in Eastern Europe, during the Soviet takeover when food became scarce. Under commie rule there is never enough food for anyone but the elite so the locals had to resort to eating this crappy little sprout. After a few years they figured out that if you roast them they don't taste like a dirty old shoe. This preferred method of preparation is a well guarded secret so you are fucking lucky I feel like sharing it with you. Let's begin:

Chop off the bottom of your sprouts, remove the outer leaves and rinse them off. If you do not perform this necessary step, your sprouts will taste like total shit. Trust me. Next we use the age-old technique of "shake and bake." This step is particularly fun because you get to be incredibly wasteful which contributes to the rapid acceleration of this world's trip to hell in a handbasket. It is always gratifying to be a part of something larger than yourself. Get out a disposable, one-time use Ziplock bag and dump in some olive oil, kosher salt, and pepper. Shake it like an uppity hooker.

Spread your shit out on a baking sheet. Take a head of garlic and separate it into cloves but do not unpeel them. Spread them out on the baking sheet. This is where my version diverges from the commie one because garlic is illegal under commie rule. I don't know why. It probably has to do with individuals breaking away from a whole or some other metaphorical bullshit like that.

Okay now I know this looks like a total fucking mess but really this is exactly what you want your shit to look like. Cook at 400 deg for 40 min. Every 7ish minutes give the sheet a good shake so the sprouts and garlic roll around and cook evenly. They will be crispy, not mushy, and have a deep nutty character, like your mom. Eat it.

Funny Google Searches

Well I made a buch of super awesome food today but I don't really feel like posting it yet so suck it, crybaby. I do, however, wish to share with you some humorous ways people have found my little website. Apparently I get all sorts of traffic from Google when people search for hilarious and/or pornograpic materials. Here are a few that tickled my funny bone:

pork explosion
brutal dick
how do i fucking cook asparagus?
stuffed assholes
what the fuck is a scallion?
artichokes are stupid
2 chicken for ass fuck
asschicken
asshole blow
asshole with yelow liquid
butterscotch fuck
cooking an artichoke and shit
cooking hamburgers that do not suck
crappy casserole
fuck and suck and cook
fuck artichokes
fuck ass chicken
fuck young ass sheet
fucking chicken ass
green onion hop head fucken hippie
habanero asshole
how to cook a regular fuckin chicken
how to fuck a chicken
muffins from a mix are you lazy
muffins make you shit
pictures of virgins ass holes
pinot fuck
receipes for the think and stupid
small ass fucking
suck cook
suck my creamy asshole
vegetarians are assholes

I swear to God all of these are actual searches. Now I will probably get a shitload more because I just posted all this crap. Great.

Fuck All of You!

I just shot the best fucking round of golf ever with my incredible God given talent! If you must know, I came into the clubhouse with a killer net 59. For those of you who don't know dick about golf, that means I am the bomb. Fuck all you! I am the shit! This also means I am taking an emergency visit to Jack-in-the-Box so no recipes for your sorry ass. Suck it.

Russian River Brewing - Pliny the Elder IPA

Russian River Brewing fails to impress me with this 8% ABV IPA. While the Blind Pig knocked my fucking socks off, this IPA was just too strong. The label boasts "explosive hop character." That is a total fucking understatement. I felt the hops were over the top and the color and clarity was not what I look for in a beer. Call me a sissy if you will, but this beer was just too much. To call it overkill would not do it justice. I will stick with your Blind Pig, Russian River, and so should you. 3 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Chipotle Shrimp

Okay stupids, today we are going to take an alternative approach to cooking with chipotle peppers. This is the final recipe that contains them so after this we will move on to something else. "Fucking finally dude. This chipotle business was starting to piss me off." Well fucker, if you had any brains in your tiny neandertal head you would realize I just provided you with enough recipes to use a whole can of chipotle peppers so you should be fucking thanking me you ungrateful piece of shit. Let's begin:

Melt half a sick of butter in a large skillet. Add some garlic and saute until fragrant (about one minute, idiot). Add 1/4c red wine, 1 1/2tbl Worcestershire, 3 diced chipotle peppers and some sauce, and 1tsp salt.

Bring the sauce to a simmer and toss in your shrimp. No dumbass, put them in a single layer as seen above. Make sure you shelled and deveined them too, genius. Cover and heat for about 2 minutes. Flip your shrimp, recover, and cook for another 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Serve over rice. Eat it.

Huevos Rancheros

Huevos rancheros loosely translates to "The Cowboy Breakfast." In other words, it is as filling as those "Hungry Man" microwave dinners you love to eat in the morning. You are one sick bastard. As a side note I have to mention that the Dallas Cowboys totally suck ass. Go Redskins! We are going to kick your sorry butts this season! In any case, this steel horse is has been riding all night so it is damn hungry for some serious breakfast.

Saute 1/2 onion, 3 garlic. At the end toss in 1tbl cumin for another minute. Add 1 can of black beans, 2-3 diced chipotle peppers and heat through. Remove from heat and set aside. Put two 6" tortillas in a 400 deg oven for 10 minutes. Grate some cheddar. Dice some tomato. Cook two eggs over-easy.

"And I'm wanted...wanted...dead or alive!"

Assembly: Bean mixture, tomato, egg, cheese. Play for keeps. Eat it like a cowboy.

Red Diamond Winery - 2004 Shiraz

As a general rule I usually don't drink wine from Washington State but my lady brought this bottle home the other night. I threw caution into the wind and popped the cork out. The second it rolled across my lips I recoiled in horror. This wine was fucking disgusting. It was sweeter than the tender kisses your mom showered upon me last night while you were watching us from the closet. The overt sweetness gave it that 'church wine' taste. In fact, I am pretty sure I have had better wine at church but that was probably due to the transubstantiation. In any case, I inquired as to where this dreadful wine was purchased. The response? A fucking gas station. 0 out of 5. Oh hell no!

Chipotle Corn Guacamole

Guacamole was invented by the Russians while they were setting up bases in Mexico during the cold war. They thought avocado by itself was too rich so they mushed it up and combined it with other foods and dipped their chips in it. It became an overnight sensation in Mexico and then it jumped the border fence to America in the dead of night. Before we knew it, guacamole was everywhere. It had invaded the homes and workplaces of all red-blooded Americans. Some people started boycotting guacamole and touting it as 'un-American' but not me. I love me some guacamole. Let's begin:
Start by mixing up three diced chipotle peppers with a little sour cream and set aside. These pictures are for you "Rockman."

Mash up an avocado and add corn, tomato (make sure to gut it dumbass), onion, and some cilantro. I am not going to provide measurements for your stupid ass because you should use this recipe to refine your eyeballing skills and the good Lord knows you need some practice.

Add your chipotle sour cream and you have a disgusting brown mess on your hands. But that's okay because it tastes fucking fantastic. It will also mask any oxidation that the avocado will undergo. And you thought I fucked up. Eat it.

Hopworks Urban Brewery - Deluxe Organic Ale

HUB has been around Portland for at least a couple of years but this is the first time I have seen their brews in bottles. I picked up this particular beer because I figured it would be super easy to trash on if it sucked. I had a whole rack of DOA and organic jokes at the helm but unfortunately I cannot use them. This beer is awesome. It is a unique ale that is perfectly balanced but it also has a high alcohol content. Bravo HUB. This beer is the shit. I really don't give a rat's ass it is organic and I don't like the fact you have propaganda on your label telling me to ride my bike, but this beer is the bomb. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Brownie Gift Jar

So when I told you how to make brownies all proper like (i.e. sans box), I suggested you could make a gift thingy out of it. While it did fit perfectly, my jar ended up being grotesque. It looks like a mentally challenged kindergartner dumped in the ingredients haphazardly in a vain attempt to please their parents. After this poor display I will probably end up on Mr. Condescending blog of shame. I am not too sure how I fucked this up so bad but I have a feeling it is because I just threw the shit in and didn't pat it down or anything. See folks, this is what happens when you don't follow directions. To make this foolproof I would mix all the ingredients together rather than attempting to layer them. That would be much easier and prettier that this piece of shit. Eat it.

Tuna Casserole

All the ingredients for this wonderful casserole are sure to be found in your trailer. Anyone who has a semi-stocked kitchen can pull this off in a pinch. However, since you cannot substitute Top Ramen for the pasta, you might be in a little trouble. Hopefully the food bank has served you well. Let's begin:
Cook one package of farfalle (the bowties, dumbass) and set aside. In a large bowl mix one can of tuna (drained), one can of cream of mushroom soup, 1/3c milk, 1/3c sour cream, 1c frozen peas and an assload of cheddar cheese. "Can I just use this box of Tuna Helper I got with my food stamps?" Be my fucking guest. Eat shitty food and never really make anything for yourself. That is a true life worth living. This recipe is as easy as easy gets and you still want a box to help you? Loser. Add the pasta to the mixture and turn into a casserole dish. Top with pieces of bread.

Bake uncovered at 375 deg for about 15 minutes. Eat it.

Bayern Brewing - Pilsener

"Ugh! Another microbrew? I like Coors Light in a can. Microbrews are too 'beer' tasting for me." I just lost whatever respect for you I once had. Stop drinking that swill at once and pick up a Bayern Pilsener. This beer is super flavorful and refreshing and it does not have that 'urine flavor' found in Coors Light. It is like a Stella Artois but it doesn't suck ass. I would highly recommend it to any and every beer drinker from the lowliest novice (you) to the refined snob (me). 4 out of 5. Drink it.

Chipotle Baked Burritos

"What?!? Fucking Mexican food again? What the hell?" Sorry douche bag but you are going to have to live with it. Sorry I didn't make some Frenchie poofter dish with hints of lavender or some other bullshit like that. Since you can't cook anyway what the fuck difference does it make? This delightful dish is along the same strain of the enchilada, burrito, and mini quesadilla but with one twist: chipotle. Let's begin:

Dice up three canned chipotle peppers and mix with 1/2c sour cream. If you wish, you can also add some of the sauce from the can. If you are a total sissy you can use fewer peppers. Let it sit for a few minutes.

Add one can of beans, one can of corn, and an assload of cheddar cheese. Stir really well. Roll into burritos and place in a shallow casserole dish. You can tell it is shallow because it wears slutty clothes and hangs out at trendy nightclubs. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes.

Top with salsa and more cheddar cheese. Remember to use pot holders while handling the hot dish, dumbass. Return to oven for another five minutes. "Do I count the time it takes to put the salsa and cheese towards the total cooking time?" I really need to get new friends. I am sick and tired of these asinine questions that I am partially convinced are just asked to get a rise out of me. You already know the answer jackass, and if you don't you have no business cooking in the first place.

Dinner is served. Garnish with some fresh cilantro and you have yourself another crappy Mexican dinner. You know you love it. Eat it.