Red Hook Brewing - Belgian Style Tripel

As we all know, Red Hook sucks ass. I cannot think of one of their beers that I truly enjoy. The ESB is palatable but that is about it. Their IPA is one of the worst ever brewed. So when I saw they came out with a limited release Belgian, I started laughing my ass off. The beer store lady, however, assured me it was a decent brew so I took her advice and picked one up. Last time I will ever listen to that idiot. This beer is disgusting, even for an American Belgian style. It tastes like fermented apple juice and the foul taste and sticky consistency linger in the mouth like a bad one night stand. It has zero nose and zero head. Do not be fooled people! Red Hook will never brew anything of quality so do not ever buy it. I am so pissed I spent my money on trash. I don't even really feel like finishing it. What a waste. 1 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Monk's Cafe - Flemish Sour Red Ale

The first time I had a sour ale was a few years ago while I was bartending. It was made in the states and was very light in both color and body. The only way I was able to kill the keg was by giving out free tastings. Of course I would not tell people what it was and I would revel in their immense discomfort. There is nothing like some good ol' fashioned schadenfreude. Today, however, the joke is on me. I purchased this sour ale thinking it would be the same in color and body but Monk's Cafe is a deep red, thick ass beer. As it says on the label, it has a lactose/sour taste but it is also kind of spicy. This beer is everything it is supposed to be but it tastes like shit to me. In my lady's words, "That is disgusting; That is not beer." 1 out of 5. Drink it if you dare.

Brasserie D'Orval - Trappist Ale

Orval Trappist Ale is brewed by monks for people who are filled with sin. Not that monks are without sin, but it is of a much lower caliber. My sin could kick a monk's sin's ass any day of the week. In any case, I expected a lot more out of this beer. The head and nose leave much to be desired (first impressions are a bitch) but the body is quite good. I guess I was just expecting more from the holiest people on earth. The carbonation is excessive so it needs to breathe for a while before it can be consumed. Other than that, this is an okay Belgian. I would pass on this one and pick up something with bigger balls. It is a good beer, don't get me wrong, but when I shell out the big bucks for Belgian beers I want my socks knocked off. God himself would be disappointed but he is a hard man to please. 3 out of 5. Don't drink it.

De Achelse Kluis - Biere Blond

This is what it is all about folks: the true Trappist tradition. Cistercian Monks make this fine brew for the good God fearing men in the villages below. There is nothing like a beer that is made under the supervision of God himself. Great nose, wonderful full head, and a light but heavy body (just a little junk in the trunk but that is all good baby). The label is in some stupid foreign language but it probably says "This beer is the bizdiggy because the big man upstairs gave it his approval. On a nice summer day God himself likes to kick back by the quiet lake in heaven and sip this fine brew in moderation. God is not a sloppy drunk like your dumbass." In any case I love this beer so if you see this label in your neighborhood beer store, buy it. Oh wait you live in some shitty city where you don't even have a beer store. Sucks for you. 5 out of 5. Drink it.

Salmon Steak Sauce

Well I asked my lady to pick up some fish at the store and she comes back with this $16 wild, line-caught salmon steak! Last time I send her out to run my errands. In any case I have this beautiful specimen to work with and if you have learned anything by now, you would know that we are just going to cook it with some salt and pepper and add a nice sauce after the fact. Too bad you are a fucking idiot and you haven't learned jack shit. Let's begin:
Wash and pat dry your salmon. Sprinkle with some salt and freshly ground pepper. Do not use kosher salt, dumbass. Put it in a 400 deg oven for about 20 minutes. You should really know how to eyeball salmon but since you don't, follow the instructions. Do not overcook. Overcooked salmon has the consistency of canned tuna but since you eat tuna straight out of the can on a daily basis you probably don't care.

While your salmon is in the oven, combine 3tbl sugar, 3tbl soy sauce, 3tbl sesame oil, 2tbl Chinese rice wine, and one star anise. Bring to a boil and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from heat and let cool. "I don't have most of these ingredients. Can I just use sugar and soy sauce?" Are you fucking retarded? Fuck no. Don't have the right ingredients? Too fucking bad. Don't make it, jackass.

Spoon your sauce over your cooked fish. Serve with fresh roasted vegetables and potatoes. Or you can serve it with whatever the fuck you want. Knowing you, this will rest on a bed of some shitty pasta or something equally as stupid. Eat it.

Sausage Fest

Today for lunch I bought myself three sausages on the super cheap. A normal loser, like you, would just cook them as is and be satisfied. Not me, however, as I am vastly superior. I was thinking "what would make these better" and the one thing that popped out in my brilliant mind was beer. Beer would make these better. You never would have thought of this in a million years, dumbass. Let's begin:
Melt a half stick of butter in a skillet and toss in some onion and garlic. Saute until mostly softened. "How much should I use." You really are a piece of work, you know that? Do you want me to hold your fucking hand while you stir the shit around too? I used 1/2 a large onion and about 2 cloves of garlic. Fucking loser. Give up now.

Add some beer and your fatty sausages. Resist all temptation to play with them in a dirty manner. I can just see you sticking one in your pants and running around the house while sexually threatening your loved ones. You are one sick fuck. Simmer for 10 minutes per side. Oh yeah, you can prick your sausages a few times with a sharp knife to let in the beer.

Mustard up a bun and slide your sausage in there. Be gentle. You don't want the bun to rip. Top with the onions and garlic. Eat it.

Raspberry Muffins

I know you losers are too fucking lazy and poorly trained to make my pies so I decided to make some easy ass muffins so you too can eat like a king. Although pies are infinitely better, muffins are an acceptable substitute. Now don't fuck these up or else you will end up with all your shit on the front porch. Do not mess with a lady's raspberries. Trust me. Let's begin:
In a large bowl mix 1c cornmeal, 1c flour, 1/2c sugar, 1tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. In a smaller bowl whisk 2 eggs, 1c sour cream, and 1 stick of melted butter. Fold wet into dry. Turn in 6oz or more raspberries. When you are spooning these into the muffin tin be sure to equally distribute the raspberries. I can't believe I need to tell you this shit. I mean, this is really, really basic. Damn you are dumb, dumbass.

Bake at 375 deg for 15-20 minutes. Move to a wire rack when cool enough to handle. Get ready for your lovely lady to fall into your waiting arms as she lets out a slight whimper. Eat it.

Bacorn

You read correctly people. Bacorn: bacon wrapped corn. I was taunted by one of you losers after positively reviewing a chocolate beer and this psychopath suggested I wrap more shit in bacon. Not a bad idea, for a crazy. So this bacon wrapped corn goes out to you, dumbass. Let's begin:

Wrap your motherfucking corn in some motherfucking bacon. Pull it tight and make sure all the seams are on the bottom. If you do not take these steps into serious consideration your bacorn will be all sorts of fugly, like your mom.

450 deg for 30 min. This ended up being one of the best breakfasts ever. I would love to try this on the grill. Eat it.

Rogue Ales - Chocolate Stout

So you all know how I feel about Rogue, but despite my disgust I cannot deny the high caliber of their beers and this brew is no exception. The Rogue Chocolate Stout is the best fucking one I have ever had. Most chocolate beers taste like shit but this one is incredible. If you see it, buy it. They told us it was made with real chocolate but that reeks of bullshit to me. Either way, this brew will take you to heaven and back in a single sip. The fine lady on the silk screened label is Sebbie Buhler. She does some shit for Rogue on the East Coast (I don't really recall as I was wasted when we kicked it) but we spent a raging weekend together during the Oregon Brewers Festival and she is a killer chick to rock it with and she definitely knows her shit. So putting aside my grudge against Rogue I give this beer a 5 out of 5. Drink it.

Editor's note: I also used this beer for the mustard porter sauce on a nice lamb steak. I would highly recommend it.

She's My Cherry Pie

Tastes good it will make a grown man cry and put a smile on your face, ten miles wide. Thank you Warrant for bringing us the best fucking song ever. Although it may be rivaled by that cock rock song "stroke me." I love that one. In any case this pie is the shit. Let's begin:

Halve and pit about 4c of fresh ass cherries. "Can I use the brightly colored jarred ones? I like those." You mean maraschino cherries? Are you fucking crazy? Stop asking retarded questions jackass. Toss with the following mixture: 1c sugar, 3tbl cornstarch, 1/4tsp salt, and 1tsp vanilla. Set aside.

Make two pie crusts. Now this is the second time I have omitted an instructional on lattice top pies. I still do not have any faith you can pull it off because you just suck that bad. "Your lattice looks all jacked, like your mom." First of all that was a terrible "mother" joke. Second, I concur. I was lazy and did a large lattice when I should have taken the time and done a thin one. Whatever. At least I can lattice, loser. So just put your second rolled crust on top of the pie and cut some vent holes in it. I think you can manage that but I may be giving you too much credit.

Bake at 375 for a little over an hour and there you have it. Looks so good it will bring a tear to your eye. Eat it.

Caprese Salad

So in an effort to redeem herself, my lady made this fucking awesome Caprese Salad for me tonight. This has been a regular dish in our home for quite some time and it never fails to please, like your mom. This is the recipe according to my woman:

Cut up one heirloom tomato (i.e. the hippie kind) and an 8oz package of fresh mozzarella cheese into large slices. Layer that shit: 1 tomato slice, 1 mozzarella slice, and some fresh basil. Top with salt and pepper and then a drizzle of balsamic vinegar and some extra virgin olive oil. Cover and fridge it before presenting to the awaiting audience. Serve with sliced, toasted bread if desired. Eat it.

Raspberry Rapture Tart

This tart is so fucking good you will think the rapture is actually taking place. Once you put that first bite in your salivating mouth the heavens will open up and you will start levitating. Jesus' white glowing face will look down upon you as your head is thrown back in ecstasy. He will say "too fucking bad, loser" and you will be driven down to the depths of hell. Jesus and I will then high five each other and laugh our asses off. Let's begin:

First things first. Make your graham cracker crust. "Fuck that! I am just going to buy one from the store." Dammit, you lazy sack of shit! Make your own fucking crust. It will be much better and the ladies will be like "Holy shit! You made this WHOLE pie from scratch?" Talk about being impressed. They will literally throw themselves at you. In any case, process the shit out of nine graham crackers along with 1/4c brown sugar. Then toss in a stick of melted butter and combine. Dump it into a pie pan and press it down, as seen above.

Bake your crust at 375 deg for 5-8 min. Set aside. Time to make the filling. With an electric mixer, beat the shit out of 8oz room temperature cream cheese and 1/3c sugar. Once combined add 1/2c sour cream, the juice from 1/2 a large lemon, and 1tsp vanilla. Pour into cooled crust and put it in the fridge for four hours. This is the base tart recipe so you can really just make this and put whatever the fuck you want on top.

During your break be sure to feed the welfare check so your lady doesn't yell at you.

Make a compote out of 12 oz of raspberries and let it cool. You might want to cook it down a little longer than 45 min just so it is a little thicker. You don't want a runny ass pie, stupid.

Place a layer of fresh raspberries down on the chilled tart and smother it with your compote. Eat it.

Father's Day Breakfast

In a pitiful attempt to make me breakfast for Father's Day, this is the gourmet meal my lady made: a fucking bagel sandwich. She made the bacon, thank God, but the scrambled eggs and potatoes were store bought! Who the fuck buys pre-made scrambled eggs? We even had eggs in the fridge. SO lazy. Also she needed my input the whole time on how to make the bacon so it was like I cooked it anyway. At least she didn't burn the bagel in the toaster oven. In any case, it is the thought that counts and I was very pleased, and surprised, that my breakfast was semi-edible. Plus she bought me three really nice bars of dark chocolate so that really made my day. Happy Father's Day to all you other Dads out there and hopefully you had a better breakfast than me. Try your best to 'eat it.'

Saturday Breakfast

Since that guest post did not get the most rave reviews, with good right, I decided to bump it off the top post with my breakfast from this morning. My tee time today is not until 2pm so I actually had the opportunity to make breakfast. Usually I just drink coffee on Saturday mornings. This meal is really nothing special but it is sure as fuck better than the Breakfast of Champions. I just pan fried a bunch of shit and dumped in some eggs and topped it with cheese. Now that I think about it this may be a little over your head, loser. Let's begin:

Take shit that is in your fridge. Throw in pan. Saute. How fucking hard is that? "Not very." You're damn right. I used red onion, broccoli, and fake breakfast sausage.

Dump in ~5 eggs whisked with some cold water and sour cream. Do not stir until it has time to form, dumbass. Otherwise your eggs will look like shit.

Once your egg is cooked, top with cheddar cheese, cover, and remove from heat. And there you have it. An easy ass breakfast for you and that chick that didn't catch the hint and is still hanging around the morning after. Eat it.

Trainwreck - Does it get any worse than this?

So one of my fellow 'bloggers' (I fucking hate that word) actually lives in my wonderful city and I had the terrible misfortune of meeting her the other day. This chick is so fucking crazy she makes Kathy Lee Gifford look normal. I also have to note that we are arch-enemies because her dumb ass is a Cowboys fan and everyone knows that the Redskins are where it is at. In any case she wrote a recipe called the "Breakfast of Champions" and begged and pleaded for me to post it on my little site. I had to acquiesce out of pity. So without further adieu, I bring you The Trainwreck Chronicles:

You’ve been there. I’ve been there. Shit, your mom was just there yesterday.

You wake up after a night of drinking and aren’t quite sure whether you even want to open your eyes. You don’t know what you’re wearing, where you’re at, or what/who you did after noon the previous day. You’re not even actually sure it’s morning at this point. You’re thinking “wtf?!” If you’re lucky, you probably have “wtf?!” scribbled on your forehead in a Sharpie because even though you’re 26, you thought it’d be a great idea to play beer pong for 5 hours with your 21 year old crush. Yeah, I have no idea what that’s all about…totally random example.

Since I do this six days a week, I thought to myself, “Hey Self, Bobby Flay better watch his back, you are the Iron Chef of the Breakfast of Champions. How the HELL do you wake up and re-do this day after day after day?” And then YOU say to YOUR self slash to me, “I know you’re awesome and you’re a professional, but seriously…how DO you keep functioning after a night like that? Like fo’ reals? Teach me your ways.”

I’m the gold medalist of the Trainwreck Olympics, and a bleeding heart at that, so I thought it might be nice of me to give you amateurs a headstart on becoming as on top of your game as me. You’ll never be this good, but hey…everyone needs something to live for. And let’s not pretend–this is it for you.

So, in the words of another trainwreck-asshole-definitely-less-awesome-than-me-guy…Lets begin:

Breakfast Of Champions:
3 1/2 cups of Hatorade*
6 Aleve (Excedrin Migraine can be substituted if you so desire)
10 Text message outbox revisits
5 Espresso shots (this needs to be exact or the formula will fail, similar to how you fail at life every damn day.)
2 Outgoing call analyses. Don’t forget to include ‘call length’ in your mix.
2 Medium sized Morning After Pills
1 Pair of oversized sunglasses
2 Tbsp of regret
1/2 Cup of high five (optional)

Blend together in this exact order and as quickly as possible and you might survive. It’s 5′o clock somewhere and it’s coming quick.

*Editor's note: This is actually the first time since 1993 someone has used the term Hatorade.

Bacon, Broccoli, and Cheddar Cornbread

So at around ten o'clock last night I got me a hankering for some cornbread. As I reached into the fridge I suddenly realized I had a ton of broccoli that did not have too much time left. What was I to do? Eat a bunch of crappy broccoli and not get my cornbread? Fuck no. We are going to make a jazzed up cornbread that will appear healthy, taste great, and look bizarre. This is the perfect dish to take to your lame ass summer potluck, loser. Let's begin:

Start by preheating your oven to 400 deg. Roast 2-3c of broccoli florets for five minutes and then pulse the shit of out them in a food processor. Make eight strips of bacon. When finished cooking the bacon, toss a diced shallot into the drippings, stir, and remove from heat. If you do not have a shallot, and you don't, use 1/2 an onion, preferably red. Grate a shitload of cheddar cheese.

In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c yellow cornmeal, and 4tsp baking powder. In a smaller bowl beat 4 eggs and then pour into the cornmeal mixture. You should end up with some crappy looking shit as seen above. But that is okay because the next thing we add is a stick of butter.

Mix in your melted stick of butter, the shallot (including the drippings, don't be a sissy), the cheddar, and the broccoli. Add them one at a time, genius. Form into the Pyrex with the back of a wooden spoon

Bake at 400 deg for 25 minutes and there you have it. This was actually the fucking shit so I would highly suggest making this for your idiot friends. The only thing I would change is the amount of bacon. We all know which direction that would be. Eat it.

Brewery De Ranke - Bitter XX Belgian Golden Ale

I have had my eye on this temptress for a long ass time and I finally mustered up the courage and the thirteen dollars to make it mine. As soon as I cracked open the bottle my nose was overwhelmed by a wondrous floral aroma. My hand shook violently as I poured it into the proper receptacle. It seductively whispered in my ear, "don't you dare take a sip of me without touching me all over." This beer demands foreplay. It demands respect. It desires to be fully consumed in a rough but yet gentle manner. This brew is only for major league players, not amateurs like yourselves. You could never fully appreciate a beer of this caliber so do not waste your time. Only the masters may sip from the chalice of the Gods. 5 out of 5. You can't handle it.

Meantime Brewing Company - India Pale Ale

I found this corked bottle of IPA at my local beer store and I was immediately drawn to it. Meantime Brewing Company is located across the pond in England and it claims to brew 'traditional' IPAs, whatever the fuck that means. I have put off purchasing it for a while due to its high price but today I have reason to celebrate. After popping the cork and pouring out a glass, I put it up to my lips, inhaled through my nose, and gulped. My first response was "Oh sweet Jesus this sucks, " but I quickly realized I needed to let it breath. It was the over carbonation that took me by surprise. Once the bubbles settled and the brew was closer to room temperature, the full flavors appeared and shocked the shit out of me. Maybe it was the citrus notes that got me. Maybe it was the bitterness. Who cares? I fucking loved this beer. See it? Buy it. 5 out of 5. Drink it.

Chole (Curried Chickpeas)

I have been hanging onto this recipe for a long time. I think it is Japanese or Chinese but it doesn't really matter because today it is American. I never got around to making it because dealing with fresh ginger is a pain in the fucking ass. Today I overcame my avoidance issues and picked up the requisite amount of ginger so I could finally make this fucking recipe. Alas, peeling it and grating it was a major buzzkill, but dinner was spectacular. Let's begin:

Saute one large onion with one large ginger root (peeled & grated) and some garlic until mostly softened but they should still be semi firm. I can't believe I have to waste my time explaining every little fucking detail to you. Just eyeball it, dumbass. Toss in 1tbl sugar, 1 1/2tsp cayenne, 1tsp cumin, and 1tsp coriander for about 5 minutes.

Toss in a drained can of chickpeas and two large diced tomatoes. "Should I seed the tomatoes?" What the fuck do you think? No, genius. Just dice them up. Holy crap.

Bubble over medium heat until reduced to desired consistency. Should take 10-15 minutes. Then add 1tsp tumeric, 1tsp garam masala, and some salt and pepper. Remove from heat. Garnish with cilantro and serve over rice or with that hippie crap, 'naan.' Eat it.

Rockstar Zucchini Muffins

Okay dummy, listen up. These muffins are perfect for the ladies as long as you say the right things. Call them the following buzzwords even if they are not entirely accurate: organic, vegetarian, vegan (only use this one if the chick is a psycho because any normal woman would not be turned on by this word.), free range, fat free, and light. If you are able to cram all these into one sentence you will earn the title of Master. Otherwise, drop them casually into your conversation. For example, "Damn those jeans make your butt look big! Good thing these muffins are fat free." Let's begin:
In a large bowl combine 3c flour, 3tsp cinnamon, 1tsp salt, 1tsp baking soda, and 1tsp baking powder. Set aside. In a smaller bowl whisk together 3 eggs, 2c sugar, 1c vegetable oil, and 2-3tsp vanilla. Pour into flour mixture and combine. Add 2c of grated zucchini and 1c walnuts. There are two things about zucchinis you need to know. First, do not fucking call them a courgette. This is America, not some loser country like France. Second, they retain a lot of water so after you grate them you have to press out all the water into paper towels.

Bake in a 350 deg oven for 20-25 minutes. And there you have it. Twelve tickets to paradise. "I bet these taste gross." Fuck you idiot. They are light, fat free, vegetarian muffins made with zucchini from a free range organic local farm. Eat it.

Asparagus, Tofu, and Feta Pizza

I lied. I could not keep well enough away from my kitchen. When the option of ordering versus making a pizza was presented to me I had no choice. I had to make one. Your lazy ass, on the other hand, would not even consider making a pizza. Mostly because your pizzas suck as bad as my photography, loser. Let's begin:
There are a lot of different flavors going on in this pizza and at first I was concerned it would be too much but of course it turned out perfectly. Start by making your pizza crust. Roast your asparagus with some olive oil, salt and pepper in a 400 deg oven for 5 minutes. For the sauce mix one can of tomato paste with one can of tomato sauce and add some basil, oregano, paprika, minced garlic, and salt. Top pizza with sauce, asparagus, pre-cooked tofu, and feta. You do not need to use the same toppings, dumbass. Just use whatever is in your fridge but be sure to pre-cook the ingredients that need to be pre-cooked (e.g. most vegetables, most meats, etc.).

Cook your pizza in a 450 deg oven for 15 minutes and you have yourself a pizza faster than one can be delivered and it even tastes better than DiGorno. Eat it.

Turkey, Bacon, and Cheddar Omlette

So I have not really felt like cooking for the past few days and I don't think I will feel like it for another few but I figured that since you seem to actually care what I make that I would let you in on my breakfast this morning. After getting back from the bar after having a few screwdrivers, I needed to make breakfast. I scrounged my fridge and found bacon, turkey left over from last night (I bought it pre-cooked *gasp* from the local deli), cheddar and eggs. Time to make some greasy ass breakfast. Let's begin:

Get everything prepared. Chop up the turkey, cook and break up the bacon, and grate your cheese. Whisk four eggs with some water and sour cream. "You don't seem like you are into this. Are you okay?" Fuck you asshole. It is you that you should worry about. Don't fucking pry into my life jackass.

Use your bacon grease pan. Pour in your eggs and once the bottom solidifies add your filling on one side.

Once the egg has mostly solidified fold it in half and let it cook for a little longer. Do not flip, dumbass. "Eww! That looks burned." How fucking stupid are you? That is the result of cooking it in bacon grease, not overcooking it retard. Fuck you. Eat it.

Reader Submission - Bacon Wrapped Jalapenos

Just when you thought no one was fucked up enough to make these jalapenos, someone did and they loved them. Damn right. This breakfast delicacy is amazing with beer and it also gives you an excuse to drink in the morning! Meet Wayland Cook. Her blog is awesome and I envy her life. My dream is to perfect the art of permaculture; She is well on her way to doing thus. These almost, and I stress almost, look better than mine and they were made by her 13 year old daughter so don't fucking tell me you are not fully capable of making them your-pathetic-self, loser. Kudos.

Citrus Pound Cake Muffins

Okay dummy, it has been a while since our last muffin escapade so I figured we are due for some serious muffin action. Today's choice of dish was inspired by the blackberry compote I made. I desired a little something more in a side than vanilla ice cream so I am hoping these citrus pound cake muffins get the job done. Don't worry, after the recipe I will provide directions to your nearest supermarket so you can just go buy their shitty ass pound cake, loser. Let's begin:

In a small bowl mix 1c flour, 1/2tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. Set Aside. In a larger bowl, mix 1/2c sugar, the zest from one orange, and the zest from 1/2 a lemon. Blend it hardcore style with an electric mixer. Add one stick of softened butter and cream that shit. Now add four eggs, one at a time, and then add the juice from 1/2 an orange, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a splash of vanilla. Are you still following this or are you on your way to the supermarket already?Mix in your flour mixture.

Put your batter into a muffin tin. Unfortunately this brainchild of mine only yielded 10 muffins instead of the usual 12. "That is bullshit!" What-the-fuck-ever dude. You want to tweek the recipe to make 12? Be my guest. Until then be happy with your fucking 10 awesome ass muffins. Bake at 350 deg for ~20 min. Eat it.

Blackberry Compote

I did this guest post for Blog Catalog so head on over to their blog to check it out! If you are a blogger, and most of you are, I highly suggest you join their ranks. The discussion boards are fucking hilarious and super entertaining. I also made citrus pound cake muffins to pair with this awesome reduction so look for that posting to go up later today. In the meantime check out Blog Catalog and mingle with other bloggers! Enjoy.

Reader Submission - Potato Chips

So if you remember, and you probably don't you fucking hippie stoner, my first attempt at making potato chips was a total bust but then I redeemed myself with some flipping awesome chips. I did, however, come to the conclusion that they would be better off fried as opposed to baked. Well one reader, Auri, capitalized on my incredibly great ideas and made her own. She did, however, have the bright idea to soak them in rock salt water and then fry them. I don't know what this would accomplish but it sounds like something that would work. These chips actually look really good. What did you use to slice them? Kudos.

Lemon Roasted Halibut with Broiled Portabello Mushrooms

This dish has a nice fancy name but it is as simple as simple gets, like you. If you cannot make this lovely dinner then you have no business in the kitchen. Then again, you probably fuck up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But hopefully this is the recipe all you inept jackasses can actually try and pull off. "That sounds like a challenge." That's because it is one, loser. Let's begin:
Start by prepping your fish. Pour a little olive oil over your fish and rub it down all nice and smooth like an inappropriate massage. Don't forget to sprinkle it with salt and pepper, dumbass. Place two super large slices of lemon on top and you are ready to go. 450 deg oven for 15 minutes.

Cut one portabello mushroom into thick slices and place on a cookie sheet. Brush with olive oil and salt and pepper them. Broil for 5 minutes. You want the sheet ~3 inches from the burner and be sure to keep the door open a crack. If you do not follow these "suggestions" your meal with be all sorts of fucked.

Put them all together on the plate and there you have it. "Is it me or is this the most fucked up plating I have ever seen." Fuck you asshole. This is my fucking lunch not some bullshit food network show. You want to learn how to cook? Stay here. You want art? Get the fuck out. Eat it.