Thursday, July 30, 2009
Cooking for Assholes Challenge
I am leaving town tonight and will not be back until Monday. In my absence I want all of you to make your favorite recipe, take pictures, write a funny commentary, and email it to me. My email can be found on my profile page. When I return I will sort through them and publish the ones I deem acceptable. The winner will get nothing other than an inflated ego. I am actually very interested to see what you all come up with. Good luck.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Lemon and Herb Halibut Skewers
I made these amazing skewers tonight for dinner and they could not have been better. The marinade was just perfect and the flavor of the halibut remained intact. Start by getting some lemon and...I cannot carry on with this charade any longer! I bought these pre-marinated from the market. "I am so disappointed in you." Is your brain your ass? You need to fuck off, dickhead. Everyone needs a break now and then and this is my break. So what if I purchased pre-marinated shit? Whatever. I think I have proven myself enough that there is no shame in what I have done. Who am I kidding? Bring on the insults...
Pork Spectacular
Today we are grilling again because it is 105+ deg in Portland today so no cooking inside! I went to my local market to cool off for free and I found this beautiful pork roast that I simply had to make mine. Oh, did I have my way with this large hunk of pork. Wait until you see this food porn, sicko. Let's begin:
Since we are going to smother this with raspberry chipotle glaze near the end of our grilling, the only spices we need right now are good ol' salt and pepper. Do not cut the strings off, stupid. What the fuck do you think is holding it all together? Fucking dumbass. Grill over indirect heat and flip every 20 min. This roast was 1.5lbs and it took about two hours.
Smother your pork with a raspberry chipotle glaze for the last 20 min of grilling action. Man that looks awesome. But what does it look like on the inside?
Eat it.
Since we are going to smother this with raspberry chipotle glaze near the end of our grilling, the only spices we need right now are good ol' salt and pepper. Do not cut the strings off, stupid. What the fuck do you think is holding it all together? Fucking dumbass. Grill over indirect heat and flip every 20 min. This roast was 1.5lbs and it took about two hours.
Smother your pork with a raspberry chipotle glaze for the last 20 min of grilling action. Man that looks awesome. But what does it look like on the inside?
Eat it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Grilled Cedar Plank Steelhead
For all you idiots who have no fucking clue what a steelhead is, it is a rainbow trout that spends a large portion of its life in the Pacific Ocean. It is red like salmon but has its own unique flavor. My woman scored a huge fillet from a co-worker who's son caught this bitch. Steelhead is the fucking bomb and its natural flavor should not be masked by over-zealous seasoning. Let's begin:
What a gorgeous specimen. I almost just want to eat it raw! Brush down with melted butter and sprinkle on some salt and pepper. Soak a cedar plank in water so it doesn't it doesn't catch on fire and ruin your beautiful steak.
Place the plank directly onto the coals. Cover and let that bitch cook for about 20 min or so. I think. I don't really remember as I wasn't paying attention to the time. I am just that good that I eyeball everything. You, on the other hand, need a timer to cook burgers, loser.
And there you have it: perfectly cooked, delicious steelhead. Eat it
What a gorgeous specimen. I almost just want to eat it raw! Brush down with melted butter and sprinkle on some salt and pepper. Soak a cedar plank in water so it doesn't it doesn't catch on fire and ruin your beautiful steak.
Place the plank directly onto the coals. Cover and let that bitch cook for about 20 min or so. I think. I don't really remember as I wasn't paying attention to the time. I am just that good that I eyeball everything. You, on the other hand, need a timer to cook burgers, loser.
And there you have it: perfectly cooked, delicious steelhead. Eat it
Bread II
I am getting better and better at making breads and this is my latest attempt. A few more and I will have this shit down. Prepare for a homemade bread tutorial, losers. Pretty soon you will be able to make your own bread and then you will have something to brag about. No, winning a hot dog eating contest is not something to brag about. Especially if you are a lady. In any case, feast your eyes on my amazing bread and live for the day that you will see this in your own kitchen. Eat it.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Grilled Bacon Wrapped Pork Chops with a Raspberry Chipotle Glaze
I was going to just do the glaze and pork chops but then I came to the realization that I was actually able to wrap my chops in bacon. At this point my hands were tied. But I sissied out and only wrapped one in bacon for fear that I would fuck it up. This is a huge problem facing your average loser: being overly cautious and reserved for fear of failure. That fucking shit pisses me the fuck off. Especially when I, of all people, have those moments. Let's begin:
In a medium saucepan combine 1 pint of raspberries (all mushed up), 1c honey, 1/3c sugar, 3tbl red wine vinegar, 4 diced chipotle peppers, and 2 minced cloves of garlic. Bring to a boil over medium heat and then lightly simmer for an eternity. I think it took me about an hour to get it to the right consistency. Remember this is a glaze, dummy.
Cook your pork chops on the grill. Damn that looks amazing: one dredged in flour, and one wrapped in three strips of bacon. How could this possibly get any better?
There it is. Eat it.
In a medium saucepan combine 1 pint of raspberries (all mushed up), 1c honey, 1/3c sugar, 3tbl red wine vinegar, 4 diced chipotle peppers, and 2 minced cloves of garlic. Bring to a boil over medium heat and then lightly simmer for an eternity. I think it took me about an hour to get it to the right consistency. Remember this is a glaze, dummy.
Cook your pork chops on the grill. Damn that looks amazing: one dredged in flour, and one wrapped in three strips of bacon. How could this possibly get any better?
There it is. Eat it.
Mini Blueberry Pies
Last night at 11 o'clock, I hit a fork in the road. I could try and go to sleep, or I could stay up for the next two hours making a blueberry pie. The pie won. Much to my chagrin, however, I did not have enough blueberries to make a full pie. Then I remembered that I have these little casserole dishes that would make wonderful individual servings. It is called "thinking." Try it sometime. Let's begin:
Make a pie crust. Cut it into fourths and roll them out. Layer the bottom of each casserole dish with a mini crust. Toss blueberries with 1/2c sugar, 2tbl cornstarch and some lemon juice if you wish. Add to dish and then top with another mini crust. Shape crust in decorative manner.
375 deg and half an hour later you got yourself some nice ass mini pies. I made these fuckers in an hour but it look longer than that for them to cool. Do no expect immediate gratification. Eat it.
Make a pie crust. Cut it into fourths and roll them out. Layer the bottom of each casserole dish with a mini crust. Toss blueberries with 1/2c sugar, 2tbl cornstarch and some lemon juice if you wish. Add to dish and then top with another mini crust. Shape crust in decorative manner.
375 deg and half an hour later you got yourself some nice ass mini pies. I made these fuckers in an hour but it look longer than that for them to cool. Do no expect immediate gratification. Eat it.
How to Mince a Jalapeno
Just about every time I use jalapeno, I want it minced. You always cut it into rings and get overwhelming bites of jalapeno that ruin the delicate balance of the dish. No more. Today we are going to learn the skilled art form of jalapeno mincing. Let's begin:
Start by chopping off the ends. Cut it lengthwise. Take a spoon and run it between the skin and all that white seedy shit. If you are a total sissy you might want to wear gloves. If anyone sees you, however, they will definitely laugh at you for being such a pansy. Plus, the lacy floral apron will not help the situation.
Slice your skins into three strips. Chop width wise as finely as possible. If you really want to get crazy you can run the diced up jalapeno through a garlic mincer. This technique will ensure a nice mellow jalapeno flavor, rather than a mouthful of unpleasant heat. Don't get me wrong. I like my spicy food, but I like my balance better. Eat it.
Start by chopping off the ends. Cut it lengthwise. Take a spoon and run it between the skin and all that white seedy shit. If you are a total sissy you might want to wear gloves. If anyone sees you, however, they will definitely laugh at you for being such a pansy. Plus, the lacy floral apron will not help the situation.
Slice your skins into three strips. Chop width wise as finely as possible. If you really want to get crazy you can run the diced up jalapeno through a garlic mincer. This technique will ensure a nice mellow jalapeno flavor, rather than a mouthful of unpleasant heat. Don't get me wrong. I like my spicy food, but I like my balance better. Eat it.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sunday - A Day of Remembrance I
I decided to start a segment called "Sunday - A Day of Remembrance" in order to highlight the blogs of others and also to plug my own shit without me doing any real work. If you follow this blog and you would like to appear in this weekly activity, please email me your blog and why you think I should name a dish after you. The shorter the better.
The first blogger on "Sunday - A Day of Remembrance" is Girl. She writes love letters to her soul mate, convicted murderer Scott Peterson. That guy is a total dick for not responding to her and last I heard he still had a picture of his dead wife in his cell. Get a grip, dude. You just don't know how to find love even when it is staring you in the face. In any case check out her blog for the most romantic love story since Steve Martin's Love Story. Since Girl does not have a grill and can only cook inside, I found it appropriate to name a grilling dish after her. So without further adieu, here is Girl's Garlic Rosemary Grilled Lamb. Enjoy.
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/04/garlic-rosemary-grilled-lamb.html
The first blogger on "Sunday - A Day of Remembrance" is Girl. She writes love letters to her soul mate, convicted murderer Scott Peterson. That guy is a total dick for not responding to her and last I heard he still had a picture of his dead wife in his cell. Get a grip, dude. You just don't know how to find love even when it is staring you in the face. In any case check out her blog for the most romantic love story since Steve Martin's Love Story. Since Girl does not have a grill and can only cook inside, I found it appropriate to name a grilling dish after her. So without further adieu, here is Girl's Garlic Rosemary Grilled Lamb. Enjoy.http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/04/garlic-rosemary-grilled-lamb.html
Friday, July 24, 2009
Doll's Soup
So I was conversing with the coolest Doll in the world and she happened to spill water all over her keyboard like a total winner. This genius move can only be executed by the world's most clumsy and they should actually hand out yearly awards for it. Doll would take the cake. Move over Barney Fife, there is a new goofball in town. This incident did remind me of the time my baby spilled coffee all over my keyboard and half the keys stopped working. I keep telling her to lay off that coffee. She just cannot get enough of it. However, I did not let this stop me from blogging and I still managed to brilliantly post my soup. So without further adieu, here is a repeat for you:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/broccoli-red-pepper-and-cheddar-cheese.html
Basic Crab Cakes
So I was in my local supermarket yesterday and while I was searching for vegetable broth I found this canned crab that was on sale for pretty cheap. I have never worked with canned crab before so I figured I would give it a shot but I had to remind myself that it is not going to be anywhere near lump dungeness. After I got home I read on the label that it is a product of Vietnam. What? They have crabs in Vietnam? I thought their only exports were rice, crappy clothes, and stupid hats. In any case, I took my chances and ended up making some really good crab cakes. Let's begin:
The recipe here is basically the same as fish cakes. Gently combine 2 cans of crab, 1 beaten egg, 2tbl mayo, 2tbl Dijon, juice from 1/2 a lemon, Tabasco, and Old Bay. You can also add some green onions and parsley if you would like. Form into patties, place on a baking sheet, and shove them in the freezer while your oven pre-heats. Make sure your baking sheet will fit in the freezer first, dumbass.
Bake them at 400 deg for 20 min. "Should I let them return to room temperature before I put them in the oven?" Damn you are simple. What would be the fucking point of putting them in the freezer? Just take them out of the freezer and put them directly into the oven. Damn that picture looks good. Too bad I ate them all already. Eat it.
The recipe here is basically the same as fish cakes. Gently combine 2 cans of crab, 1 beaten egg, 2tbl mayo, 2tbl Dijon, juice from 1/2 a lemon, Tabasco, and Old Bay. You can also add some green onions and parsley if you would like. Form into patties, place on a baking sheet, and shove them in the freezer while your oven pre-heats. Make sure your baking sheet will fit in the freezer first, dumbass.
Bake them at 400 deg for 20 min. "Should I let them return to room temperature before I put them in the oven?" Damn you are simple. What would be the fucking point of putting them in the freezer? Just take them out of the freezer and put them directly into the oven. Damn that picture looks good. Too bad I ate them all already. Eat it.
Calamari Steaks
So I received this email the other day:
"I am sure that sending you this e-mail is a big fucking waste of my time, I expect either one of two things happening: e-mail will be ignored or you will tell me to go fuck myself. I am content with either outcome. However, if you could give me some advice I would appreciate it. I enjoy calamari steaks but always fuck them up because I can't tell when they are done and I overcook them and they taste like rubbery shit. Please advise on what temp and how long to cook. And if you can come up with a something better to coat them in other than the lame-ass breadcrumbs I have been using, that would be great."
Well to be honest there is nothing I like more than showing you idiots how to cook shit properly so I was elated to have received this request. My first instinct was to roll them with meats and wrap them in bacon, but that didn't really answer any of this person's questions. So what I am going to do is show you how to cook calamari steaks and then you can take this basic recipe and add whatever you would like. Let's begin:
Start by slicing and flattening your tubes. Dredge them in flour (if you wish you can spice up your flour mixture) and then coat them with whatever you wish: sliced almonds, crushed toasted hazelnuts, fresh herbs, harissa, Parmesan cheese, or crushed up Captain Crunch Berries. This list is by no means complete but you get the idea. Right dummy? I, however, decided to run them through an egg wash since it is breakfast time. Place on a cast iron skillet that has reached med-high temperature and sear for about a minute per side. DO NOT overcook. The calamari will try to curl so if you have a bacon press that might come in handy.
And there you have it. I sliced up my steak for you so you could see how it is perfectly cooked and totally amazing. Eat it.
"I am sure that sending you this e-mail is a big fucking waste of my time, I expect either one of two things happening: e-mail will be ignored or you will tell me to go fuck myself. I am content with either outcome. However, if you could give me some advice I would appreciate it. I enjoy calamari steaks but always fuck them up because I can't tell when they are done and I overcook them and they taste like rubbery shit. Please advise on what temp and how long to cook. And if you can come up with a something better to coat them in other than the lame-ass breadcrumbs I have been using, that would be great."
Well to be honest there is nothing I like more than showing you idiots how to cook shit properly so I was elated to have received this request. My first instinct was to roll them with meats and wrap them in bacon, but that didn't really answer any of this person's questions. So what I am going to do is show you how to cook calamari steaks and then you can take this basic recipe and add whatever you would like. Let's begin:
Start by slicing and flattening your tubes. Dredge them in flour (if you wish you can spice up your flour mixture) and then coat them with whatever you wish: sliced almonds, crushed toasted hazelnuts, fresh herbs, harissa, Parmesan cheese, or crushed up Captain Crunch Berries. This list is by no means complete but you get the idea. Right dummy? I, however, decided to run them through an egg wash since it is breakfast time. Place on a cast iron skillet that has reached med-high temperature and sear for about a minute per side. DO NOT overcook. The calamari will try to curl so if you have a bacon press that might come in handy.
And there you have it. I sliced up my steak for you so you could see how it is perfectly cooked and totally amazing. Eat it.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Blueberry Lemon Muffins
A friend dropped off a crap load of blueberries at my house and told me to go at it. My first thought? Some sweet ass muffins. You can never go wrong with a nice muffin. Well, unless you make it. The only muffins you have ever made came out of some shitty box from Wal-mart. Let's begin:
In a large bowl mix 1 1/4c flour, 1/2c cornmeal, 1/2c sugar, and 2tsp baking powder. In a small bowl mix 1 stick of melted butter (cooled, stupid), 1/2c milk, and one egg. Pour the wet into the dry and mix completely. Add the juice from 1/2 large lemon and 1 1/2c fresh blueberries. If you need to use frozen, like a total douche bag, make sure you thaw and rinse them. Pour into a greased muffin tin and sprinkle with sugar.
Bake at 375 deg for ~16 min. Oh man those look good. Is there anyway they could possibly look any better?
Yes there is. Eat it.
In a large bowl mix 1 1/4c flour, 1/2c cornmeal, 1/2c sugar, and 2tsp baking powder. In a small bowl mix 1 stick of melted butter (cooled, stupid), 1/2c milk, and one egg. Pour the wet into the dry and mix completely. Add the juice from 1/2 large lemon and 1 1/2c fresh blueberries. If you need to use frozen, like a total douche bag, make sure you thaw and rinse them. Pour into a greased muffin tin and sprinkle with sugar. 
Bake at 375 deg for ~16 min. Oh man those look good. Is there anyway they could possibly look any better?
Yes there is. Eat it.
Salami and Sopressata Stuffed Squid...Wrapped in Bacon
So recently I have had a flood of stupid comments from losers whining about the lack of bacon in recent posts. Shut the fuck up you gigantic pearl-makers! I was out of fucking bacon and I didn't get any more for a while so suck it. Now, however, I have bacon and I am going to make some sweet ass shit. Too bad you cannot get calamari in your crappy landlocked state. Let's begin:
Cut open your calamari tubes and lay them flat. Throw down two slices of salami and two slices of sopressata. Roll back into a tube and wrap that shit in bacon. Make sure all your seams are on the same side, genius.
Place in a 400 deg oven for 20 minutes and there you have it. Surf and turf baby. Eat it.
Cut open your calamari tubes and lay them flat. Throw down two slices of salami and two slices of sopressata. Roll back into a tube and wrap that shit in bacon. Make sure all your seams are on the same side, genius.
Place in a 400 deg oven for 20 minutes and there you have it. Surf and turf baby. Eat it.
Shmaltz Brewing Company - Sword Swallower Steel Hop Lager
I was conversing with a friend the other day and he mentioned that he had picked up some lagers from Shmaltz Brewing in New York State that he was going to age. I replied that unless you are Dr. Emmett Brown and you are going to age these in reverse, you better just drink them now. Luckily he said I could have three of them and he asked me to review them. The first was their regular lager and it tasted like Sam Adams. I only know that because that is what I drink in airports when nothing better is available. The second was a white lager with spices and it tasted like my butthole. It was seriously some fucking gross ass shit. I only had three sips and then I poured it down the drain. Finally I had the Sword Swallower. This beer is fucking amazing. It is super hopped so it hits like an IPA but it retreats like a lager. What a wonderful combination. The hop character is a nice citrus crisp, which is my favorite kind. I love this beer. 4.75 out of 5. Drink it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Chili Cheese Pizza
That's right bitches! Motherfucking chili cheese pizza. You would put chili on a hot dog in a second but your feeble brain never considered putting it on a pizza. That is where you fail, and I win. You never even thought of something as easy as bacorn but I did. That is why you read this drivel. Let's begin:
Make a pizza crust. Make a batch of chili and strain it. "Can I use Boboli and canned chili?" Be my fucking guest. Like I give a shit what you do. You will probably just call Pizza Hut anyway so I don't even know why I bother with your lazy ass. Cover your pizza with chili, cheese, and olives.
Bake your pizza on a pizza stone at 500 deg for 10-13 min. Keep the rack in the oven low and close to the burner. Garnish with fresh tomato slices. Eat it.
Make a pizza crust. Make a batch of chili and strain it. "Can I use Boboli and canned chili?" Be my fucking guest. Like I give a shit what you do. You will probably just call Pizza Hut anyway so I don't even know why I bother with your lazy ass. Cover your pizza with chili, cheese, and olives.
Bake your pizza on a pizza stone at 500 deg for 10-13 min. Keep the rack in the oven low and close to the burner. Garnish with fresh tomato slices. Eat it.
Full Sail Brewing - LTD #3 Pilsner
Full Sail has always been the red-headed stepchild of the Portland microbrew movement. Nestled in Hood River, Oregon, this employee owned brewery is about 45 minutes outside of the city. Their core beers suck. Just terrible. Recently, however, Full Sail has redirected their efforts from ales to lagers and it has proven to be a smart business (and brewing) decision. Never buy a Full Sail ale; Always buy a Full Sail lager. In addition to the inexpensive and totally delicious "Session," Full Sail is releasing a limited series in which they roll out different lagers every so often and right now we are on #3: a nice full bodied pilsner. #3 is a good, solid brew but it ends up leaving something to be desired. As far as pilsners go this was pretty good, I guess. But I will probably wait for #4. 3.5 out of 5. Drink it, I guess.
Salami, Sopressata, and Provolone on Homemade Bread
Your idea of a gourmet sandwich is a toasted sub from Quizno's. You think bologna is a delicacy. You have never tasted the awesomeness of true cured meats. I pity your sorry ass. Next time you are out at a real restaurant, which will be never, order the charcuterie plate. You will thank me. In any case, this sandwich is a tripartite fusion of Gods on the holiest of bread. Let's begin:
Take half a loaf of homemade bread and slice it lengthwise. Liberally drizzle with olive oil. In other words, drizzle like wasteful government spending never went out of style. Fucking liberals. They are running this red-blooded American world into the ground. We need more Republican Imperialism to make this country work. Layer your cured meats and top with a slice of provolone.
Place on a pizza stone and bake at 400 deg until the cheese gets all nice and browned. Now this is a fucking sandwich. Eat it.
Take half a loaf of homemade bread and slice it lengthwise. Liberally drizzle with olive oil. In other words, drizzle like wasteful government spending never went out of style. Fucking liberals. They are running this red-blooded American world into the ground. We need more Republican Imperialism to make this country work. Layer your cured meats and top with a slice of provolone.
Place on a pizza stone and bake at 400 deg until the cheese gets all nice and browned. Now this is a fucking sandwich. Eat it.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Bread
Baking bread is as difficult as auto-fellation but if executed properly both are just as pleasurable. Today, against all odds, I made some really fucking good bread. I only took a final product picture as I was convinced I was going to fuck it up so pay extra close attention because this is not going to be easy. Let's begin:
Dissolve a packet of yeast with 1c of hot water. This takes about ten minutes. Stir in 3c bread flour, 1tbl sugar, and 1tsp salt. Knead for a long ass time. Oil that bitch up in a large bowl and cover for an hour. Punch down dough and divide. On a pizza stone, form each half into a loaf and cut some strips in it for aesthetic purposes. Cover and let rise for another hour. Preheat your oven to 400 deg and put a roasting pan with some water in it on the lowest rack. The steam will harden the outside of the bread. Brush your bread with water and put it in the oven for 30 minutes and then flip it and bake for another 10-15. Phew! Just buy some bread at the damn store, loser. Eat it.
Dissolve a packet of yeast with 1c of hot water. This takes about ten minutes. Stir in 3c bread flour, 1tbl sugar, and 1tsp salt. Knead for a long ass time. Oil that bitch up in a large bowl and cover for an hour. Punch down dough and divide. On a pizza stone, form each half into a loaf and cut some strips in it for aesthetic purposes. Cover and let rise for another hour. Preheat your oven to 400 deg and put a roasting pan with some water in it on the lowest rack. The steam will harden the outside of the bread. Brush your bread with water and put it in the oven for 30 minutes and then flip it and bake for another 10-15. Phew! Just buy some bread at the damn store, loser. Eat it.
It Was Only a Matter of Time
I finally joined that really dumb site, twitter. None of you probably give a shit about what the fuck I do with my day but in case your life is boring as shit, and it is, you can live vicariously through me. I will focus mostly on cooking tips and dumb crap like that but I will also include tid-bits of my day to day activities. As I write this I realize how fucking dumb this is but I have nothing better to do and neither do you.
http://twitter.com/cookingasshole
http://twitter.com/cookingasshole
Lost Coast Brewery - Indica IPA
I have had Lost Coast Brewing's Indica IPA in the past but never bothered to pick it up again. I remember enjoying it a good bit but I have avoided it for one reason: the overt reference to a particular type of marijuana. I fucking hate it when beer companies do this. You make beer, stupids, not fucking reefer. I know you are from California but stop with the bullshit marketing. Great, you are all a bunch of fucking pot-heats. Congratulations. Now get back to making beer, junkies! That being said, this brew is totally amazing. It is a fantastic specimen of a true Northwest IPA. One of my new favorites. 4.75 out of 5. Drink it.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Rainbow Trout with Pecan Brown Butter
So my local market happened to be out of catfish, which ruined my plans for some sweet blackening action, but to my delight they had rainbow trout fillets. Usually this beautiful fish is sold whole so I had to come up with something familiar yet designed for a fillet. I love these moments of "what the hell am I going to do with this?" Too bad you fucking suck at it so you have to read this trash. Let's begin:
Wash and pat down your fillets. Dredge them in flour. "What does dredge mean?" Uh, are you fucking serious? Just turn your fillets over a plate of flour and give them a little shake, dumbass. Damn.
Toss your fish down in a hot ass skillet. Get your damn hand off that olive oil! Don't you think that if the title of the dish contains the word butter, we should probably use butter? Fucking idiot. Cook for 1-2 min per side and remove from heat.
Once your fish is done, toss in a stick of butter and sizzle that shit with 3/4c chopped pecans. Stir constantly and remove from heat after one minute.
Spoon the pecan butter over the rainbow trout. I also made some brown rice and I roasted some green beans (olive oil, salt and pepper 450 deg for 10 min - be sure to flip). Eat it.
Wash and pat down your fillets. Dredge them in flour. "What does dredge mean?" Uh, are you fucking serious? Just turn your fillets over a plate of flour and give them a little shake, dumbass. Damn.
Toss your fish down in a hot ass skillet. Get your damn hand off that olive oil! Don't you think that if the title of the dish contains the word butter, we should probably use butter? Fucking idiot. Cook for 1-2 min per side and remove from heat.
Once your fish is done, toss in a stick of butter and sizzle that shit with 3/4c chopped pecans. Stir constantly and remove from heat after one minute.
Spoon the pecan butter over the rainbow trout. I also made some brown rice and I roasted some green beans (olive oil, salt and pepper 450 deg for 10 min - be sure to flip). Eat it.
Welcome To My Home
So a blogger by the name of Mr. Condescending has put out a call to his fellow bloggers to display publicly the contents of their homes. You would think he wants to get to know us all better but really he is just out of ideas and needs other people to pick up the slack. Due to my incredible egomania, I took the bait: hook, line, and sinker. I just can't resist an opportunity to show off. So here are the requested contents of my not-so-humble abode.
Mr. C has a crazy cool globe and candle chandelier so I figured I would show off my favorite lamp too. It was originally oil burning and it sits atop a bitchin' marble table. I also like those two glass balls for obvious reasons.
This picture is a little dark but these are my favorite movies. You probably like Definitely Maybe, Marley & Me, and other crappy shit like that. Oh yeah, you totally watch that Monty Python trash and act out the skits with your nerdy ass friends.
This is my favorite bookshelf (out of four). This is where I display to my guests just how smart and well versed I am in my subjects of study. Do you feel uneducated after looking at this picture? You should.
These are my two favorite cookbooks. I don't use them that much but they have very good taste pairing basics. They are good for an idea or a concept but I don't use direct recipes. I am too good for that.
I don't have any booze on hand but this is what is in my recycling. Too bad all you can get in your loser state is PBR and Kendall-Jackson. By the way don't get the Bayern pictured here. It sucks ass. I only bought this ale because their pilsner is the shit.
This is my kitchen and spice rack. Before you say some dumb shit like my spices should not be exposed to direct sunlight, realize this is a leftover window from an extension on my house. It peers into another room, so fuck off.
I am also supposed to name what I will be serving. Since it is summertime I will be grilling ribs and chicken. They are to be served with bacorn. Dessert will be bacon peanut butter cookies.
So that is my house. Please feel free to comment on how jealous you are.
Mr. C has a crazy cool globe and candle chandelier so I figured I would show off my favorite lamp too. It was originally oil burning and it sits atop a bitchin' marble table. I also like those two glass balls for obvious reasons.
This picture is a little dark but these are my favorite movies. You probably like Definitely Maybe, Marley & Me, and other crappy shit like that. Oh yeah, you totally watch that Monty Python trash and act out the skits with your nerdy ass friends. 
This is my favorite bookshelf (out of four). This is where I display to my guests just how smart and well versed I am in my subjects of study. Do you feel uneducated after looking at this picture? You should.
These are my two favorite cookbooks. I don't use them that much but they have very good taste pairing basics. They are good for an idea or a concept but I don't use direct recipes. I am too good for that.
I don't have any booze on hand but this is what is in my recycling. Too bad all you can get in your loser state is PBR and Kendall-Jackson. By the way don't get the Bayern pictured here. It sucks ass. I only bought this ale because their pilsner is the shit.
This is my kitchen and spice rack. Before you say some dumb shit like my spices should not be exposed to direct sunlight, realize this is a leftover window from an extension on my house. It peers into another room, so fuck off.I am also supposed to name what I will be serving. Since it is summertime I will be grilling ribs and chicken. They are to be served with bacorn. Dessert will be bacon peanut butter cookies.
So that is my house. Please feel free to comment on how jealous you are.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Motherfucking Ribs Baby
Your ribs suck ass. You cook them in your oven like a total fucking idiot and then you slather them with Kraft BBQ sauce. I would not feed that shit to my dog and if I did it would give him violent diarrhea. You make me sick you disgusting freak. Let's begin:
Coat your ribs with a pork rub. Move all the coals to the side of the grill. "Which side?" This is actually a relevant question. Good job, dummy. You want the smoke blowing over the meat so place the coals in the direction of the wind. In other words, if you are looking at this picture, the wind is blowing left to right. Cover and turn every 20 min or so. When you cover them make sure the vent is on the "right." At no point should your ribs burn on the outside. If you are getting black spots on your shit, it is too hot and you are doing it all wrong. Big fucking surprise.
A few beers and hours later, your ribs should be looking pretty good. At this point apply your homemade BBQ sauce to the entirety of the ribs. Notice that angelic glow about my motherfucking ribs? No photoshop here people, just the best food on earth.
Motherfucking ribs baby. Eat it.
Coat your ribs with a pork rub. Move all the coals to the side of the grill. "Which side?" This is actually a relevant question. Good job, dummy. You want the smoke blowing over the meat so place the coals in the direction of the wind. In other words, if you are looking at this picture, the wind is blowing left to right. Cover and turn every 20 min or so. When you cover them make sure the vent is on the "right." At no point should your ribs burn on the outside. If you are getting black spots on your shit, it is too hot and you are doing it all wrong. Big fucking surprise.
A few beers and hours later, your ribs should be looking pretty good. At this point apply your homemade BBQ sauce to the entirety of the ribs. Notice that angelic glow about my motherfucking ribs? No photoshop here people, just the best food on earth.
Motherfucking ribs baby. Eat it.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Vegan Double Chocolate Chip Cookies
So a few of you out there are lame-o vegans and always complain that I don't make enough vegan shit. Well guess what? I am not fucking vegan so why the hell would I go out of my way to make stuff that tastes like crap? The other day I decided to acquiesce to your demands and make some vegan cookies. Why? Because I was conversing with a vegan blogger (Writers Commentary, Epicharis) from across the pond and she said she doesn't eat cookies because she has not found a suitable egg substitute. I took this statement as a challenge to alter her cruel, cruel fate. While we are making fun of vegans, let's not forget our favorite (not really) resident vegan, Trainwreck. Let's begin:
Start by whisking 1tbl ground flaxseed with 3tbl water. This is your egg substitute. Make sure you whisk it until it turns all gelatinous and set it aside. In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c oats, 1/3c cocoa powder, 1tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. In a larger bowl cream 2 sticks of fake ass butter with 1/2c white sugar and 1/2c brown sugar. Add your "egg" and 2tsp vanilla. Since this is going to taste like shit we might as well mask it with an excessive amount of vanilla. Mix the dry into the wet and add 1c imposter chocolate chips.
This batter was really loose so I just kind of globbed it down on a baking sheet. Bad idea.
So I fucked up on my first run. Many of you don't know this but just about everything I do in the Cooking for Assholes kitchen is my first shot at it. Usually I am so fucking amazing everything turns out perfectly on the first try but not today. So what is my problem? Loose dough. Solution? Stick your dough in the fridge and chill it.
Roll it into tight balls and bake at 350 deg for 7 min. These are still a little flat but much better than before. This is as good as you are going to get for vegan cookies. Believe it or not they actually taste really good. Damn I impress myself sometimes. Eat it.
Start by whisking 1tbl ground flaxseed with 3tbl water. This is your egg substitute. Make sure you whisk it until it turns all gelatinous and set it aside. In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c oats, 1/3c cocoa powder, 1tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. In a larger bowl cream 2 sticks of fake ass butter with 1/2c white sugar and 1/2c brown sugar. Add your "egg" and 2tsp vanilla. Since this is going to taste like shit we might as well mask it with an excessive amount of vanilla. Mix the dry into the wet and add 1c imposter chocolate chips.
This batter was really loose so I just kind of globbed it down on a baking sheet. Bad idea.
So I fucked up on my first run. Many of you don't know this but just about everything I do in the Cooking for Assholes kitchen is my first shot at it. Usually I am so fucking amazing everything turns out perfectly on the first try but not today. So what is my problem? Loose dough. Solution? Stick your dough in the fridge and chill it.
Roll it into tight balls and bake at 350 deg for 7 min. These are still a little flat but much better than before. This is as good as you are going to get for vegan cookies. Believe it or not they actually taste really good. Damn I impress myself sometimes. Eat it.
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