Make sure you sausage is cooked, dumbass. Don't attempt to put raw sausage in your dough. If it goes in raw, it will come out raw. Cover with cheese.
See how far I have come from my first moon pizza? This looks professional as shit! Damn I am good. Eat it.
Whisk 3 eggs, 1c sugar, 1 stick melted butter, 2c walnuts, and 1c shredded coconut. Pour into a pie crust. Bake at 350 deg for about 40 min. Cool completely. Now that was not that hard, was it? "I still don't think I can make this." Oh ye of little faith. Believe in yourself a little more and you will be able to accomplish any task put before you. Oh wait, I forgot who I was talking to. Give up now, loser. Eat it.
In layman's terms, this brew is a Belgian-style IPA. I know that sounds weird but it works very well and has become the new fad amongst adventurous brewers. This brewery hails from Portland, ME and since this is a special release, I am now very curious about their other beers. Next time I see an Allagash brew, I will be sure to pick it up. Although it is $18 for a 750ml bottle, buy it now. It is worth every penny. Good luck finding it, loser. 5 out of 5. Drink it.
Make some Holla Bread. Just kidding. Even I could not make this bread. Buy it from your local market a day before you plan to use it. Cut it diagonally.
The best route to take when making Holla Toast is the simple one. Whisk 3 eggs, 1c milk, 1tbl sugar, 1/4tsp salt and pour over your slices in a large casserole dish. "Shouldn't I use cinnamon?" Don't fancy it up, stupid. Were you not listening? You think cinnamon would go well with strawberries? Fucking idiot. Flip after a while and wait until all the liquid has been absorbed. 
Melt 2tbl butter in a large skillet over medium heat and slap down your toast. Flip when browned, dummy. Finish off on a baking sheet in a 350 deg oven. If you are doing batches you can get a good rhythm to it. Too bad you can't even spell "rhythm." 
Oh yeah, make a strawberry reduction sauce and pour it over your Holla Toast. Eat it.
The first two came out real ugly because I used a pair of tongs to remove them from the oil and they fell apart. "You suck, idiot." Do you want me to tell you how to do this or not? No? Okay then, fuck you. Too damn bad you can't figure it out for yourself because I will never tell you, asshole.
I used two spatulas to flip and remove this one from the oil and it came out perfectly. Look at that. This blows any crappy doughnut out of the freaking water. The pastry crust was perfect in every way and the jelly inside oozed out yummy goodness. I pity you and your shitty eating habits. You can only dream of a breakfast this amazing. "I made an over-easy egg this morning!" You appear to be proud of that for some reason. I would not go around bragging about shit that demonstrates your mediocrity. Eat it.
Here is how you make these globs of goodness: mix 1 1/2c flour, 1/2c ground up graham crackers, and 2tbl baking powder. In a separate bowl whisk together 4 eggs and 2tbl vanilla. Although I didn't have any I would suggest adding some sugar. Maybe ~1/3c or a little more. Add 1 stick of melted butter. Mix wet into dry. Add as many chopped chocolate pieces and chopped marshmallows as you desire. Bake at 375 deg for a little over ten minutes. Eat it.
Make a pie crust and divide into fourths. Roll each one up and fill it with your mixture. I sauteed some onions and garlic, added some fake taco meat, diced up jalapeno stuffed green olives, and three diced tomatoes (seeded and gutted, dummy).
Crimp down your edges with a fork. These bad boys were harder to work with than I anticipated. My first two were pretty ugly (top and bottom) but my last two turned out perfectly. This is why you should try new things, lazybones. Now I know exactly how to make empanadas so next time they will all be picture perfect and I will be able to do them even faster. Don't get stuck in your Hamburger Helper rut again, loser.
Bake on a pizza stone on the bottom rack of a 425 deg oven for about 20 minutes or until browned. Eat it.
I finally got my cream cheese from the market so I could make the real version of the "Heart Attack Chicken." As instructed by anonymous dude on Craigslist, take a boneless skinless chicken breast and pound the shit out of it until flat. In a large bowl whip up 4oz cream cheese, 2tbl cut butter, and some chopped green onions (only the green part, not the white). Put mixture on pounded chicken and turn it over like a fine lady with a voluptuous badonkadonk. Wrap in bacon. Make sure to keep all the seams on the same side, dummy. Bake at 375 deg for 30 min. Eat it.
Pound your chicken flat. I just put saran wrap over it and used a hammer. Put down four strips of cooked bacon and cover in cheddar cheese. For this dish even American cheese is acceptable. Disgusting, but acceptable. Roll up and secure. If you need to use toothpicks, you lose. Give up now. For those of you that are still around, wrap your chicken in bacon. Again, do not use toothpicks. They are designed for people who cannot cook, like you. Learn to live without them, you sorry piece of shit.
375 deg and 30 min later and you have a kick ass meal on your hands. Look at that cheese just oozing out! But I bet you want to see what it looks like on the inside.
Oh man that looks good. This is going to be one fantastic lunch.
I decided to do the lazy man's version of fried chicken last night so pay attention. Even you can do this. Mix 2c flour and 3tbl Old Bay or whatever spices you want. Not allspice you fucking dumbass. Just because it is called "ALLspice" does not mean it goes on everything. Do I really have to tell you every little detail? You make my life hell. In any case, run the chicken through the flour and cover for 20 min. Run it through the flour again and fry in some hot ass oil until browned and the juices run clear.
Now this method gives the chicken a much thinner coat. If you want the thick coated shit see my previous post on fried chicken. For making this in under an hour, including prep, I think it tasted pretty damn good; But, of course, all my incredible food tastes like a bite of Heaven. Eat it.
In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c cornmeal, 2tsp baking powder, and 1/2tsp salt. In a larger bowl, cream 2 sticks of butter with 3/4c sugar. Add one egg and 1tsp vanilla. Mix the dry into the wet and stir in 1 1/2c dried cranberries.
17 min at 350 deg and you have yourself some killer cranberry cornmeal cookies. Eat it.
Mix the juice from one orange, some chopped sage, and some dijon mustard. I will leave it up to you to play with the proportions for your personal palate. Place in a ziploc and fridge it for at least two hours. "Can I use the sage spice I have instead of fresh sage?" Oh hell no. Do not even attempt this as you will fuck it all up, as usual.
Sear in a cast iron skillet for about 5 min. Flip and place in a 350 deg oven for another 7 min. No, you imbecile. Place the whole fucking thing in the oven, not just the chop. Do I have to spell out every fucking little thing for you? Damn.
I decided to get wild and crazy and garnish this chop with the Cara Cara orange I used because I want you to see this bad boy. The Cara Cara is similar in color to the grapefruit and has a nice little twang to it. If you can find them I would highly suggest using them. Eat it.
Start by making a batch of chili and putting it in a casserole dish. If you wish you may add corn and black olives to your chili. If you are crazy lazy you can use canned chili but I do not endorse such activities. To make your cornbread topping, bring 1c milk to a very slight simmer over medium heat and add 1/2c yellow cornmeal and stir until thickened. Remove from heat and add 1 1/2c cheddar cheese and 2 beaten eggs. Pour over chili.
Bake at 375 deg until the top is browned which can take anywhere from 40-50min depending on your oven. The chili will burst out around the sides creating a 'floating top' of cornbread that is quite enticing. "This looks like shit." Fuck you, asshole. You try making a prettier version. It may not be the most beautiful thing in the world but it sure as fuck tastes awesome. Eat it.
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In a small bowl, combine 3tbl maple syrup, 1tsp New Mexico chili powder (the original recipe called for cayenne but I was all out), and 1tsp red pepper flakes. Pour over 3c of almonds and toss to combine. "So can I add my special herbs?" Look, I don't give a fuck what you do. I really don't. Just leave me the fuck out of your love-in, hippie. And put some damn shoes on.
Spread out evenly on a baking sheet and toss in the oven for 20 min at 300 deg. "So can I roll a phatty spliff during that time?" You son of a bitch! I will hunt you down, destroy all your narcotics, and rip down your beaded curtain so I can shove it up your ass, you sick fucker.
Wait for them to cool and then store them at room temperature in ziplock bags. "I have tons of ziplock bags at my place." Sigh. I know you do. Eat it.
Start by placing about a cup of pecans in a single layer on a baking sheet. Toast in a 350 deg oven for about nine minutes. Remove from oven. When they are cool enough to handle (don't be an idiot and start grabbing at them right after you take them out of the oven), start making tripartite clusters of pecans. Transfer small pieces and leftover pecans to a cutting board and chop them up. Smash down the Rolos with a big knife and place on top of each cluster. Return to oven for about five minutes. Remove and sprinkle with chopped pecans. Since we used Rolos you might want to flash freeze them to make them totally solid. Eat it.
Look at that grease just flowing out of this meaty moon pizza. Oh yeah, be sure to cook your sausages fully before putting them in your moon pizza, dumbass. Otherwise you will spend the entirety of the next day in the bathroom. So unless you like that sort of thing, you fucking sicko, cook your pork fully. Here I took the simple road and just put sausage, red pepper, and queso fresco in my crust. The ratio of filling to bread looks a little off in this photo but I can assure you that it is just an optical illusion, like those dumb M.C. Escher sketches. Knowing you, your wardrobe is probably filled with those lame ass shirts. Oh! Look at that! A hand drawing a hand, that is fucking amazing! Eat it.
Start with one egg white and some finely crushed graham crackers. Roll a marshmallow in the egg wash, roll it in the crumbs, roll it in the wash again, and then roll it in the crumbs. Fry in hot ass vegetable oil for 15-20 sec per side. Surround with chocolate and wrap in bacon. Garnish with more bacon. Now that is a motherfucking smore. Eat it.
Oops! Forgot to take pictures. Sucks for you, loser. Okay, okay I will go through this fast and remember I was shooting for speed here. Make enchilada sauce. Dice 1/2 white onion, 1/2 green pepper, 1/2 red pepper and add a can of black beans, and a can of corn. Put a thin layer of enchilada sauce down in a large pyrex. Roll up your mixture with some cheddar cheese and place strategically in pyrex. Cover with cheddar cheese. "Like slices?" Are you fucking shitting me? Grated, dammit. Cover with remaining sauce. 350 deg for 45 min. Eat it.
