Crawfish Etouffe

Today I took my little girl on a wagon ride to a nearby supermarket that always carries crawfish. Unfortunately I cannot get them live, only pre-cooked. In any case I was in the mood for some sweet etouffe as fall has arrived in Portland so I made the special venture to get these little mud bugs, pre-cooked or not. If you are lucky enough to get these suckers live, boil them before embarking on this amazing recipe. Let's begin:
Extract the meat from 1.5-2lbs crawfish. Separate the tail from the head. Squeeze the tail widthwise and then pull it apart. The meat should come right out. Be sure to devein it like a shrimp, dumbass. Melt 2 sticks of butter in a large pot and add one diced onion, three celery stalks (sliced up, stupid), and all the heads of the crawfish. Most people discard the heads but they are fucking stupid. This is where all the flavor comes from and no one seems to recognize it but me, as usual. After the onions and celery are softened, add 5tbl flour and 1tbl cajun seasoning (paprika, onion, garlic, black pepper, lemon peel, chile pepper, allspice, thyme, cloves, mace, red pepper, bay leaf). Cook for about a minute and then slowly pour in one can of broth, simmer, and reduce heat to low for about 10 minutes. Fish out the heads and add the meat 2 minutes prior to removing from heat.
Serve over rice and garnish with green onions. Kiss my fucking ass New Orleans. Eat it.

Banana Bread - Guest Post

Hey losers! We have a special guest poster today so be sure to tell him how he pales in comparison to me and should not have even bothered. Tell him it really does not look that great and it appears he took all the pictures with his cell phone. Tell him he should be ashamed to even show his face around here anymore after displaying that ugly granite slab. Just kidding, I don't want you to take it easy on him. Give him fucking hell. Let's begin:

After seeing Baby's first birthday cake - first attempt, I decided to offer some baking advice to the Cooking Asshole. Perfect timing, too! For some reason, no one ate a single banana this week at my house. Good thing I make a kick-ass banana bread and my wife's coworkers are voracious when it comes to free stuff in their work kitchen.
Start with some seriously brown, overripe bananas. We wouldn't want to waste food--even food that starving children in Africa wouldn't touch. No, not black and growing moldy shit. Those flies around your fruit should help you gauge if they are too far gone.
Since I have a whole bunch of uneaten bananas, I'll be making a double batch. But since most of you are mathematical idiots and need a calculator to figure out what TV channel you're on, I'll make this easy on you. The following is for one single banana bread.

Take three overripe bananas and mash them in a medium bowl. You don't need some fancy tool, just use a fork. Duh. Add one egg (minus shell), 3/4 c. sugar, 1/3 c. cooking oil, cinnamon, ginger and a little shredded lemon. Since you are all super sophisticated, you know what cinnamon and ginger taste like. Between the two of them, add a total of 1/4 tsp. (Yes, be creative, Mr. Boring). But don't add more than that because your bread will taste like shit. And since I had no lemon, I just used that lemon-shaped juice thing from the fridge--cheat if necessary. Stir all of that together and set aside.
In a bigger bowl, mix 1 1/2 c. flour (minus flour insects, please, you never-bakers), 1 1/2 tsp. baking powder, 1/4 tsp. baking soda and salt. Don't measure the salt, just a pinch is fine. And no, you can't use baking soda from that box absorbing the smells from your fridge. That's disgusting, even if you're pawning it off on your wife's coworkers! If that's all you have, stop what you're doing and go to the grocery store. The shit is dirt cheap. Mix all dry ingredients together, make a hole in the middle, and pour all of the wet ingredients into that hole. Fold them together until mixed and all moist. Don't over-mix though, dummy. Put the mixture in "Pammed" loaf pan.
Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Stick a toothpick in it to make sure it's done. If not, cook a few more minutes. Cool. DON'T eat it yet. While it's cooling for a few minutes, pick out a nice, sweet stout from your fridge. Open it up and start drinking while you cut yourself a piece of warm banana bread. Now go ahead and dig in.

Breakfast Cakes

After the baby's shindig I have all sorts of leftover snack foods cluttering up my fridge. On the surface it does not appear that I have anything for breakfast other than eggs and bacon but I am one resourceful motherfucker. I bet I can come up with something a little unorthodox and yet bad fucking ass at the same time. Let's begin:
I found some salmon dip and immediately recognized that with a few breadcrumbs I could make some killer salmon cakes. I chopped up some cooked bacon, salami, and onion and added it to the mix. I fried the cakes in the bacon grease, placed them on an english muffin, added some melted brie, and topped with an over easy egg. You never would have thought of this in a million years. You would probably stick to the bacon and eggs and accidentally burn the shit out of them because you were too busy watching True Hollywood Story - Tyra Banks, loser. Eat it.

Baby's First Birthday Cake - Final Attempt Final Stage

So here are the final pictures of the cupcakes for my daughter's first birthday.
My woman frosted them so I didn't do it but here is the recipe. Cream 1 stick butter and 8oz cream cheese. Add 1tsp vanilla and 1lb powdered sugar. Sounds fucking good to me!
Be sure to add sprinkles. They make everything tastier. The recipes for the cupcakes can be found here.And here is the birthday girl! Too bad your baby is ugly, loser.

Baby's First Birthday Cake - Final Attempt First Stage

Well the big party is tomorrow and rather than totally fuck up another cake I decided to chicken out and make a shitload of cupcakes. I am willing to admit I cannot make a nice cake to save my life so fuck it. Not worth my time. Let's begin:
For the vanilla and chocolate cupcakes I used the most basic of all cupcake recipes. All the measurements are a range because I do it all by sight. It it hard enough for me to put it in measurements for your pathetic ass so bear with me. Cream 1 1/2 - 2c sugar with 1 1/2 stick of butter. Add 2-3 eggs, one at a time and then 2tsp vanilla. Blend in 1 1/4 - 1 1/2c milk, 2-3c flour, 2tsp baking powder, and 1/2tsp salt. For the chocolate ones I added a melted 3.5oz bar of dark chocolate. Bake at 350 for 20-25 min. I also made my citrus pound cake muffins but I changed the recipe. I used 3/4c of sugar, 1 1/2 sticks of butter, 2c of flour, and 2tsp baking powder. All in all they turned out awesome but I still have to frost them. Don't eat them yet!

Pelican Brewing - India Pelican Ale

Well I was asked to do a guest post by this dude who does daily beer reviews in a very creative manner. I really like him because he thinks Lakefront Brewing sucks. I think they suck too. I jumped at the opportunity and decided to review one of my favorite beers: Pelican IPA. Check it out, loser.

Bacon and Jalapeno Martini

In a continual effort to push the envelope and blow all your puny minds, I came up with a fantastic mid-afternoon cocktail: the bacon and jalapeno martini. Cook one strip of bacon. Cut one jalapeno into wheels. Fill a shaker with ice and as much vodka as you can handle. I added 1/2 strip of bacon and six jalapeno wheels. Call me a sissy but my martini was so fucking hot it gave me the sweats so I would only suggest using three wheels or less. Add a little bacon grease to make it "filthy." Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with a jalapeno wheel and the other 1/2 strip of bacon. Drink it.

Cajun Sausage Stuffed Calamari with Remoulade

Since I have a crapload of remoulade from yesterday, I have been racking my brain in a vain attempt to conjure up something unique to do with it. I was just going to fry up some calamari or blacken some catfish but that would have been lame as shit and we all know that is not my style. While at the store I came across some house-made Cajun sausages and I thought they would be perfect inside some calamari tubes. I returned home impressed with my own ingenuity and ready to execute this delicacy. Let's begin:
Cook your sausage first, stupid. The calamari will only take a few minutes so anything that goes in must already be capable of being consumed. Remove as much of the sausage casing as you can and dice it up into little bits. Calamari tubes are relatively elastic so stuff them hard. Leave a little bit of space at the opening as the tubes will shrink when cooked. Don't worry about them looking all lumpy like your ugly face since they will take perfect form when they contract.
Pan fry in some butter for only a few minutes. Basically once they are no longer translucent you want to remove them from the heat. Spread on your remoulade. Eat it.

Remoulade for the Doll II - Old Bay and Crab Egg Rolls

So today I figured I would give Doll's recipe for remoulade a whirl. Just the same as bloody mary mix, if you buy it pre-made you are a sucker. Such products are sold by snake oil salesmen who try and take advantage of you by selling trash that pales in comparison to the homemade shit. As long as you have a food processor this is super fucking easy and can be whipped up in a jiffy. Once you make it for yourself you will feel like a fucking idiot for ever considering purchasing it from some douche bag. Let's begin:
I did not feel like getting creative today so I followed the remoulade recipe pretty darn closely and it turned out wonderfully. I think it took me all of 15 min to make and that includes prep time. I also made more egg rolls but I made them with just crab and Old Bay. I pan fried them this time but I would suggest going the deep fry route. They just got a more even brown using that method. So what did we learn today? "Don't trust anyone that sells pre-made shit and never patronize those businesses." Right! Eat it.

Crab and Bacon Bloody Mary

Everyone thinks they make the world's best bloody mary. Well guess what? You don't; I do. Fill a pint glass with ice. Add vodka and top off with tomato juice. Add horseradish, steak sauce, Worcestershire, Tabasco, and black pepper. You probably use some overpriced shitty mix you picked up at your liquor store, sicko. That shit should be banned. Pour contents back and forth between two pint glasses to mix. Garnish with celery, bacon, and crab. Drink it.

Remoulade for the Doll

Here is your fucking remoulade! Figure it out your damn self, loser. Need instructions on how to breathe too?

Crab, Cream Cheese, and Jalapeno Egg Rolls

So I got another pound of crab and while it is not king crab it is still very tasty. While scraping for ideas this dish was suggested to me and I could not resist. I have never made an egg roll before but how fucking hard can it be? Try to keep up, loser. Let's begin:
Mix up some crab, cream cheese, and diced jalapeno. Place filling in wrapper as shown above. Do not attempt this with a tortilla or something else equally as stupid.
Fold bottom corner up as shown. Roll tightly like your hippie ass doobies.
Fold in corners tightly so there are no air gaps. The last thing you want is a loose egg roll because it will fall apart while frying.
Wet the edges of the top triangle and finish rolling. Leave the final seal on the bottom. Damn, that looks pretty good for my first try. Your egg roll is probably a mangled mess that does not even come close to resembling the picture above. Loser.
Fry in hot vegetable oil for about four minutes and transfer to a plate lined with paper towels. Eat it.

King Crab III - Crab Cakes

This recipe is the basically the same as my other crab cakes but since I had lump king crab I pan fried them instead of baking them. My friend asked me to bring him some at the local speakeasy and I reluctantly acquiesced but luckily enough he returned the favor with another pound of crab meat. Just when you think everyone around you is a total fucking loser, this asshole has to go and do a good thing. What a fucking jackass. Let's begin:
In a large bowl mix up a bunch of crab meat, mayo, Dijon, onion, Old Bay, a beaten egg, and just as many breadcrumbs as it takes to get them to stick together. If you are are too fucking dumb to not have Old Bay on hand, use paprika. Don't get over zealous as you do not want to adulterate your king crab. Pan fry them in some butter for about four minutes per side. Heat should be at a 5. I only told you because I knew you were going to ask. Never have your heat above 5 unless you are boiling water or searing meats.
That's right, bitch! I got my camera fixed. Now I can take all sorts of artsy ass photos and impress the shit out of you. How you like that crab cake, huh? You love it. Eat it.

King Crab II - Dip

This morning I prepped everything for my crab omlette only to realize I was out of eggs. Rather than go to the store and navigate a sea of stoned hungover hippies on Sunday morning, I decided just to eat my shit straight up. There is nothing worse than having to push smelly hippies out of your way just to get where you are going. Their monkey stink can be transferable and if you are not careful you will get that shit on you for the rest of the day. Fucking hippies. Let's begin:
Mix some king crab, cream cheese, diced dill pickle, and Old Bay. Garnish with a strip of bacon. Think you can handle that? "Do I cook the bacon first?" Yes, genius. Cook the fucking bacon. Eat it.

King Crab, Avocado, and Bacon Salad

King crab is a delicacy you peons should never have the pleasure of tasting. They don't sell this shit at Wal-Mart and for good reason. If you losers ever tasted it you would begin to question everything else you have ever consumed. You would ask, "Oh why did I ever eat cheese wiz straight out of the nozzle for three meals a day?" Or maybe "Are you sure this is real crab? It doesn't taste anything like that imitation stuff." Your lack of class is glaringly apparent and it makes me sick. Let's begin:
Take two slices of avocado and place them down. Fill the center with a big hunk of king crab. Garnish with diced cooked bacon. This is so fatty it makes Jessica Simpson look like Christa Flockhart. Good thing it tastes like heaven on a plate. Eat it.

Carrion Soup

Well I have this chicken carcass left over from last night and really the only thing I can do with it is make some stock and then some soup. I am not a huge soup guy but I knew this would make for some incredibly flavorful broth so I just had to roll with it. Too bad your chicken comes from Chicken Express and your wasteful ass just throws the carcass away. For shame. Let's begin:
Put your shit in a big ass pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover, and simmer for 3-4 hours. This may take forever but you can do other things while you are waiting: Write the great American novel, play Parcheesi, call up your wife's sister, etc.
Explain to your child, in no uncertain terms, why she should not mention to mommy that Aunt Crystal was over at the house today.
Now that we are done cooking that shit down, pull out all the large pieces and run the rest through a fine strainer. The last thing you want is pieces of bone in your broth. That would suck some serious ass and probably result in an emergency trip to the dentist.
Saute a bunch of thinly sliced leek and fennel. Only use the white part of the leek and only the bulb of the fennel, stupid. "How long should this take?" Seriously? Why do you always ask me timing questions? Have you not realized that timing for a cook is like a sixth sense? You just know. If you don't, you fucking suck at cooking so give up now.
Dump in a bunch of diced up red potatoes and pour in enough broth to cover them. Simmer until the potatoes are softened. "How long does that take?" Okay now you are just trying to piss me off! "You got me." I knew it, jackass. In batches move to your food processor and puree.
Garnish with a fennel top and serve. Eat it.

Roasted Chicken

So I was planning on getting some cornish game hens and stuffing them but my local market was all out of the fresh ones and apparently no longer carries them except during the holiday season. Fucking bastards. So I ask the butcher if the whole fryer chickens are actually whole or is it just a name and he looks at me like I have a fucking helmet on and says "yes, they are whole." I decide to take one home and I start mentally preparing myself to cram a bunch of food up its anus. Let's begin:
I didn't take any pictures but before I put this fucker on the grill I took 5 strips of lightly cooked bacon, a bunch of thyme, and a head of peeled garlic and shoved it up its ass. Be sure to remove the bag of crap on the inside before you start stuffing, genius. Place chicken on the grill over indirect heat for 2+ hours. "Did you get an albino chicken or something?" First of all, chicken is white, retard. Second, it isn't even cooked yet. In the words of Paul "Positive-Reinforcement" Roberts, "Just cool your jets, mister!"
Here is my finished product. The legs pulled off without any effort and that is the sign of a perfectly cooked bird. Too bad you dropped your chicken in the dirt while you were taking it off the grill. Sucks to be you. Eat it.

The Flame Continueth

Okay fuckjob. There will be no more feeling good about yourself because you are a serious fucking loser! You don't even deserve to live but ever since eugenics went out of style after the cold war pieces of crap like yourself freely roam the streets. Get the fuck back in your damn kitchen, dickhead, and keep practicing because God knows you need it. Did you make his fucking deviled eggs? Didn't think so. You can't even make Kraft Bagelfuls without the center still being ice cold. You disgust me and every other functional member of society. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Deviled Eggs or How I Learned to Hard Boil an Egg

Oh, scary! Hi again everyone! Paul "Positive-Reinforcement" Roberts here. Due to the controversial title of this dish, I provided an alternative one so you can all sleep easy. I just want to reassure you that neither making nor eating these eggs is a sin despite what your fellow book club members may tell you. Hard boiling an egg may seem like an easy task but it can be difficult for even the most seasoned veteran so don't feel bad if you can't get it on your first try. We all make mistakes. Let's have a looky-loo:
Put some lovely examples of the miracle of nature in a pot and cover with cold water. Bring to a rolling boil for 30 sec, cover, and remove from heat. Let sit for 15 min and then plunge the eggs into an ice bath. Once cooled, peel the eggs and slice lengthwise. Remove yolks and mash them up with some mayo, mustard, and finely chopped dill pickle. Golly-gee, this is making my tummy rumble!
Spoon mixture into egg whites, sprinkle on some paprika, and garnish with some flat leaf parsley. Now that was not too frightening, was it? I told you there was nothing to worry about, silly pants! Wouldn't you like to eat this?

Deconstructed Omlette

Hi, my name is Paul "Positive-Reinforcement" Roberts and I am a representative from the powers that be. We have determined that this blog is not fit for human consumption so from now on I will be editing every one of this asshole's posts to make it happy-go-lucky. No one will suffer from such verbal abuse again under my watch. So get ready for some wholesome fun the whole family can enjoy. Let's have a looky-loo:
This dish is a twist on your traditional omlette. I know you can make some of the best omlettes in the world as your skills are amazing, but next time you might want to try deconstructing it for a little flair. "Isn't this just scrambled eggs with shit on the side?" Watch your language, mister! But to answer your brilliant question, yes it is. Here we have some lovely smoked salmon, chopped dill pickle, and some cream cheese. The beauty of the deconstructed omlette is that you get to choose how much or how little you get in every bite. See now, isn't this fun? We can learn together and uplift each other as we go dancing through the fields of good taste. Wouldn't you like to eat this?

Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese, and Aurora Pepper Omlette

Everytime I go out to eat for breakfast I order the same thing even if it is not on the menu: smoked salmon, cream cheese, and jalapeno omlette. This is the Pacific Northwest, baby. Salmon is wild, plentiful, and relatively inexpensive. No farmed, color added, lame ass Atlantic salmon for this guy. Before you environmental nutbags get your panties in a bunch (as you have before), let it be known that fish is legal. Until it becomes illegal, I will continue eating it. Fuck, I will probably end up buying black market wild salmon in a dark alleyway in a few years. But until then, take your 'values' and shove them up your fucking ass. Let's begin:
So I was going to grab some jalapenos for this omlette but my local market had these aurora peppers that caught my eye. I love the color of these little buggers and I decided to give them a test run. I would suggest growing them in your garden but I doubt your lazy ass could maintain a garden since your poor, pathetic houseplant, Leafy McGee, is not so leafy anymore.
Put 1-2tbl butter your skillet and melt over medium heat. Pour in four whisked eggs (add some sour cream to your eggs, dummy) and wait until it starts bubbling. Place your filling on top and fold over.
This may look like the eggs are over cooked but that is just the butter residue. The eggs are cooked to perfection, as usual. If you are too big of a sissy to use hot peppers, I would suggest substituting fresh dill and that should do the trick. Eat it.

My Woman's Tomato Salad

We all remember the first time my woman made a tomato salad, right? Good. Well, tonight she made a different one with the beautiful heirlooms we picked up at the farm today. Want the recipe? Too damn bad. Figure it out for yourself, dipshit. This is not rocket surgery. "Please! It looks SO good!" Let me ask her for you. Nope, she says to go fuck yourself. "Come on! Don't be such a dick!" Fine. Here it is just to get your whiny ass off my back. Whisk 2tbl red wine vinegar, 1tsp Dijon, 1tsp salt, 1/2tsp sugar, 1/2tsp black pepper. Slowly drizzle in 1/4c extra virgin olive oil while continuing to whisk. Mix with a shitload of heirloom tomatoes and mozzarella balls. Sprinkle with kosher salt, cover, and fridge it for 15 min. Finally, toss some flat leaf parsley on top. Eat it.

Artichokes IV - Baby Artichokes

These little bad boys are so easy to cook up an untrained monkey on smack could do it. Can you? Didn't think so. While I continue talking to myself since none of you fuckers are listening, I would like to note that just because they are smaller do not be tricked into thinking this will be a quick side dish. Just looking out for you because I know you have Cutco knives which means you can be fooled into anything, sucker. Let's begin:
Start by trimming as little as possible off the stem. Steam them for 10 minutes and rinse under cold water to cool. Slice lengthwise and toss in some olive oil (NOT extra virgin, genius. Remember, extra virgin is only for non-heated dishes.) and some fresh lemon juice.
Place artichokes directly over the coals but make sure it is not too hot. If you burn your shit up, and you will because you fucking suck at grilling, move them to the outside of the grill to continue cooking. I can't believe I am forced to give "if you fuck up" instructions. You disgust me.
Here is what your finished product should look like and it should take upwards of 45 min. Your baby artichokes are probably a mangled mess: burned to a crisp on the outside and rock hard on the inside. Why do you even bother doing anything when you know you are going to fail? What a cruel existence. Eat it.

Baby's First Birthday Cake - Second Attempt

This cake turned out very well and it is actually vegan! I didn't want to use eggs or milk so I found this one recipe that I followed verbatim (which is something I never do) and I can't believe it but it turned out to be fantastical! Here is the recipe for two cake pans. This can easily be divided in half. Mix 2 1/4c flour, 2c sugar, 1c cocao, and 2tsp baking soda. In a separate bowl mix 1tbl vanilla, 2/3c vegetable oil, 2tsp white vinegar, and 2c cold water. Mix the wet into the dry and bake at 350 for about 45+ min. The original recipe said to bake for only 30 min but that is totally fucking wrong. This is so easy I don't see how you can't make it and you probably already have everything you need in your pantry. You would never even figure this cake is vegan as it tastes really, really good and has a wonderful structure. I would highly suggest making this cake. I think for the party though I will make this recipe into cupcakes. Finally, the icing is just 3/4c heavy cream simmered with 12oz of chopped chocolate added at the end. Eat it.

Baby's First Birthday Cake - First Attempt

International Bacon Day

Today is international bacon day and I have a present for you: a rerun post! What better way to celebrate international bacon day than re-reading all my crappy posts about bacon. I will take pity on you, however, and present it in the form of bacon porn. Let's begin:

How to cook bacon

Bacon wrapped hot wings

Bacon wrapped asparagus

Peanut butter bacon overload cookies

Turkey, bacon, and cheddar omlette.

Bacorn

Sopressata and salami stuffed squid wrapped in bacon

Bacon Smores

Bacon wrapped pork chops

Heart Attack Chicken

Bacon wrapped fried chicken

Eat it.