Saute some onion and green pepper in oil. Once softened add some chili powder and cumin and after another minute add a package of fake ground meat. Once heated though add some diced green olives and then remove from heat. Heat up some refried beans. Take a tostada shell and spread on the refried beans, add the fake meat mixture, jack cheese, tomato, and lettuce. Eat it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Vegetarian Toastadas II
So I made these crappy pieces of shit for lunch today and they were pretty darn good. They were also really easy which is why I am giving you the recipe. I actually think you are capable of making them unlike everything else which is way over your head (including fucking pancakes). If you fail at these you should turn all cooking duties over to a servant or at least a significant other. Oh wait, you are single. Your crazy ass has driven away every member of the opposite sex ever since you started dating. I would suggest hiring someone because no one can bear to be with you, psycho. Next time try not to be so fucking controlling. Let's begin:
Saute some onion and green pepper in oil. Once softened add some chili powder and cumin and after another minute add a package of fake ground meat. Once heated though add some diced green olives and then remove from heat. Heat up some refried beans. Take a tostada shell and spread on the refried beans, add the fake meat mixture, jack cheese, tomato, and lettuce. Eat it.
Saute some onion and green pepper in oil. Once softened add some chili powder and cumin and after another minute add a package of fake ground meat. Once heated though add some diced green olives and then remove from heat. Heat up some refried beans. Take a tostada shell and spread on the refried beans, add the fake meat mixture, jack cheese, tomato, and lettuce. Eat it.
Smoked Salmon Hash Quiche
The other morning my lady and I went to our favorite local breakfast spot, Gravy on Mississippi Street. They serve absurdly large portions so we returned home with an abundance of smoked salmon hash. "Does that shit get you high?" Don't be a fucking idiot. You know the difference, jackass. Rather than eat it straight like a loser, I decided to make a quiche out of it. I made a pie crust, put down a layer of cheddar cheese, and topped it with a layer of the smoked salmon hash. Then I whisked eight eggs with about 1/2c of sour cream and poured it into the pie. I tossed it in a 375 deg oven and baked it for about 40 minutes. Too bad your leftovers always turn into fucking science projects in your fridge. Try thinking sometime, dumbass. It works; Trust me. Eat it.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Family Time - Sauvie Island
Sauvie Island is just north of Portland out highway 30 and is a great weekend getaway for families and couples. I guess you could go alone since you have no friends but I would not suggest bringing your five cats.
There are plenty of farms all over the island but the largest and most frequented farm is Kruger. I love Kruger Farm because they have the u-pick option as well as pre-picked and there is nothing more fun than picking your own crap from a field and it is way cheaper. As you can see in the above picture, they have quite the outdoor bazzar. They have hot dogs, sausages, burgers, candied apples, roasted corn, and most importantly, beer.
We took a tractor hayride out to the pumpkin patch and embarked on an epic odyssey to find the perfect pumpkin and return to the tractor in enough time to get another beer and hot dog before we left. My little girl was partial to all the moldy pumpkins so I had to do some quality control. In no time at all we were back on the hayride and soon enough the green beer bus was back in sight.
There are plenty of farms all over the island but the largest and most frequented farm is Kruger. I love Kruger Farm because they have the u-pick option as well as pre-picked and there is nothing more fun than picking your own crap from a field and it is way cheaper. As you can see in the above picture, they have quite the outdoor bazzar. They have hot dogs, sausages, burgers, candied apples, roasted corn, and most importantly, beer.
We took a tractor hayride out to the pumpkin patch and embarked on an epic odyssey to find the perfect pumpkin and return to the tractor in enough time to get another beer and hot dog before we left. My little girl was partial to all the moldy pumpkins so I had to do some quality control. In no time at all we were back on the hayride and soon enough the green beer bus was back in sight.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Shrimp and Crab Enchiladas
Okay you dumb fuckers. Since my woman and baby went to visit a friend for the evening I was left to my own devices. "What did you do?" I went to my local speakeasy and got loaded, dumbass. What the hell else would I do? In any case, I am bored and since I made this trash the other night I figured you idiots would want to hear about it. Let's begin:
So I totally fucked these enchiladas up in multiple ways. Are you ready? My 9x13 pyrex was dirty from the shitty boxed brownies my woman made the other night so I had to use a casserole dish. I tried taco sized tortillas but they were corn and wouldn't roll properly so I had to use gordita style flour tortillas and line them lengthwise instead of widthwise. I mixed 1lb cooked bay shrimp with 1/2lb crab and placed the mixture on top if jack cheese lined tortillas. I have to admit I used canned green enchilada sauce but only because my market was out of tomatillos. I will impress all your asses with some sick green enchilada sauce in the near future. I will make it my lover. I promise you. Bake this shit in the oven for 30 minutes covered and then uncover and bake for another 10-15. Eat it.
So I totally fucked these enchiladas up in multiple ways. Are you ready? My 9x13 pyrex was dirty from the shitty boxed brownies my woman made the other night so I had to use a casserole dish. I tried taco sized tortillas but they were corn and wouldn't roll properly so I had to use gordita style flour tortillas and line them lengthwise instead of widthwise. I mixed 1lb cooked bay shrimp with 1/2lb crab and placed the mixture on top if jack cheese lined tortillas. I have to admit I used canned green enchilada sauce but only because my market was out of tomatillos. I will impress all your asses with some sick green enchilada sauce in the near future. I will make it my lover. I promise you. Bake this shit in the oven for 30 minutes covered and then uncover and bake for another 10-15. Eat it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wild Boar Sausage
So I made this a few nights ago but I figured you idiots don't give a shit and want to hear about it anyway no matter how mundane. I found this wild boar sausage at a local market and it was super badass. I just cooked it up and had some bread and mustard with it. The lesson of this post is to seek out unique and sometimes "ethnic" markets to find the unusual. If you do not escape the puny limits of your comfort zone you will be stuck in a hamburger helper rut for the rest of your pathetic life. This was perhaps the best sausage I have ever had. Too bad you don't have those moments except for when you go to Applebees. Eat it.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Bridgeport Brewing - Hop Harvest Ale
When I went on my beer run with the baby today I also picked up this bad boy. Bridgeport is a staple in Portland and recently they have come out with some kick ass seasonals and limited releases. The hops used in this brew are allegedly the freshest around as they go from the field to the tank in about an hour. I say allegedly because I am calling bullshit. I don't give a fuck if it takes two hours but don't lie to me like a bitch. Fucking assholes. Think I am going to buy that shit, motherfuckers? Since I was already pissed off before I even opened this glamorously wrapped brew, I didn't expect too much but to my delight I was proved wrong. This beer is amazing and tastes incredibly fresh, whatever the fuck that means. My woman said it tastes "dirt" and "plant growth" but I think she was trying to express the tastes "earthy" and "fertile." In any case, I really liked this brew and I think you should try it. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.
Banana Bread II - Guest Post
This guest post comes from a relatively new but faithful reader, Bunny. She was so abhorred by Beer's Banana Bread she actually made her own and sent it to me. "What a psycho!" I know, right? So without further adieu, I present to you Banana Bread II:
A few weeks back, that loser beer drinker submitted a pitiable effort demonstrating how to make banana bread. When I called him on his pathetic pecan-less attempt, the asshole had the nerve to call me a whiner. It’s time he got schooled in how Southern women throw down. Pay attention and take notes, boy. I am about to shove your head further up your ass.
Lolly’s Banana Bread:
THIS banana bread is the sacred recipe of my beloved Grandmother, and I will hunt a bitch down and cut you if you say anything against it. Let’s start, shall we?
First, and this step is important unless you are a nut-less loser like beer drinker, chop up 1 cup of pecans. And it is “pah-kahn” NOT “pee-can.” Only white-trash, trailer-dwelling South Georgia rednecks say “pee-can.” For a nice, coarse chop, use a manual chopper, but if you’re a lazy fat-ass, you can do it in a food processor.
Next, mash three large overripe bananas. If you don’t know what “overripe” is, then you are too stupid to be using sharp objects and electrical equipment, so stop now dumbass. I like using a meat fork for a chunky mash. It’s better—trust me. Don’t trust me? Then suck it.
Next, mix together 2 cups of sugar, 1.5 cups of vegetable oil, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda and 3 eggs. Yes, it’s a lot of oil and sugar. Sack up, you pansy-ass. This here is old school Southern cooking. If your arteries aren’t man enough, go sip on a wheatgrass smoothie, you goddamn Yankee.
After stirring in your chopped pecans, mashed bananas and 3 cups of plain flour, comes the first secret ingredient: 1 tablespoon perpetual vanilla, which, for you clueless losers, is real vanilla beans steeped in a bottle of dark rum. I call it “baking moonshine.” You can use regular vanilla, but your bread will suck a little. Like you.
Then, add the next secret ingredient: an 8 oz. drained can of crushed pineapple. Just shut your fucking pie-hole and do it. BTW, my hubs took these photos, hence the shitty quality. Good man, but blows as a photog. Mix it all up and pour into two greased loaf pans. I use silicone because I rock. Bake for around 1 hour at 325 until an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Let it cool. If you aren’t a total dumbass, your end result should look like this:
Chunky, moist, nutty goodness. As my Grandmother would say, “Shit-fire-fuzzy-damn.”
A few weeks back, that loser beer drinker submitted a pitiable effort demonstrating how to make banana bread. When I called him on his pathetic pecan-less attempt, the asshole had the nerve to call me a whiner. It’s time he got schooled in how Southern women throw down. Pay attention and take notes, boy. I am about to shove your head further up your ass.
Lolly’s Banana Bread:
THIS banana bread is the sacred recipe of my beloved Grandmother, and I will hunt a bitch down and cut you if you say anything against it. Let’s start, shall we?
First, and this step is important unless you are a nut-less loser like beer drinker, chop up 1 cup of pecans. And it is “pah-kahn” NOT “pee-can.” Only white-trash, trailer-dwelling South Georgia rednecks say “pee-can.” For a nice, coarse chop, use a manual chopper, but if you’re a lazy fat-ass, you can do it in a food processor.
Next, mash three large overripe bananas. If you don’t know what “overripe” is, then you are too stupid to be using sharp objects and electrical equipment, so stop now dumbass. I like using a meat fork for a chunky mash. It’s better—trust me. Don’t trust me? Then suck it.
Next, mix together 2 cups of sugar, 1.5 cups of vegetable oil, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda and 3 eggs. Yes, it’s a lot of oil and sugar. Sack up, you pansy-ass. This here is old school Southern cooking. If your arteries aren’t man enough, go sip on a wheatgrass smoothie, you goddamn Yankee.
After stirring in your chopped pecans, mashed bananas and 3 cups of plain flour, comes the first secret ingredient: 1 tablespoon perpetual vanilla, which, for you clueless losers, is real vanilla beans steeped in a bottle of dark rum. I call it “baking moonshine.” You can use regular vanilla, but your bread will suck a little. Like you.
Then, add the next secret ingredient: an 8 oz. drained can of crushed pineapple. Just shut your fucking pie-hole and do it. BTW, my hubs took these photos, hence the shitty quality. Good man, but blows as a photog. Mix it all up and pour into two greased loaf pans. I use silicone because I rock. Bake for around 1 hour at 325 until an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Let it cool. If you aren’t a total dumbass, your end result should look like this:
Chunky, moist, nutty goodness. As my Grandmother would say, “Shit-fire-fuzzy-damn.”
Southern Tier Brewing - Oak Aged Unearthly Imperial IPA
My woman is playing nurse at a girlfriend's house who was in recent car accident and she called to say it would be a little longer so I figured I would take the baby for a beer run in her wagon. I just can't wait another hour to start drinking. I found this New York oak-aged IPA, oddly named Southern Tier, and I just happened to notice it was 11% ABV. I had to make this beer mine. Doubtful that a New York brewery could successfully execute an imperial IPA, I remained skeptical. After my first sip, however, I was blown away. It hits your lips with spicy grapefruit hops which undergoes an incredibly smooth transition to oakey malts. What an unbelievable beer. I would even venture to say that this is one of the best imperial IPAs I have ever had. Great job, Southern Tier, even if your name doesn't make any sense. 5 out of 5. Drink it.
Bangers and Mash - America Style
My lady and I had some neighbor friends come over for dinner the other night and during our urbane and sophisticated conversation they informed me of a local market that carries unique and bizarre sausages. This morning I made the short journey to Sheridan Fruit Market in order to peruse their selection of sausages and I was not disappointed. After reviewing the contents of about 30 different links, I could not resist the lure of the alligator. This is the American version of Bangers & Mash. As everyone knows, we Americans make everything better. Let's begin:
To make the mash start by sauteing 2 jalapenos and 1 small onion in some butter. Don't forget to chop them up, dumbass. I can just see you tossing a whole onion and two whole jalapenos in a fucking pot. When softened add one can of corn (drained, stupid) and 1/2c grits. Slowly add 1 1/2c water and stir constantly until all the water is absorbed. Remove from heat and add some grated cheddar. Stir to combine. Garnish with two alligator sausages. Eat it.
To make the mash start by sauteing 2 jalapenos and 1 small onion in some butter. Don't forget to chop them up, dumbass. I can just see you tossing a whole onion and two whole jalapenos in a fucking pot. When softened add one can of corn (drained, stupid) and 1/2c grits. Slowly add 1 1/2c water and stir constantly until all the water is absorbed. Remove from heat and add some grated cheddar. Stir to combine. Garnish with two alligator sausages. Eat it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Buffalo Bill's Brewery - Pumpkin Ale
A fellow bartender once told me that when you see bubbles on the side of a glass (as seen below), it should tell you your glasses are not being cleaned properly. I told him he was full of shit and to pull his head out of his ass. Now I have empirical evidence he was right. None of my beer pours in the past have had bubbles on the side but in haste to photograph the beer I desperately wanted to slam, I grabbed my water glass from this morning. "That is so trashy." Don't judge me you prick. I am doing it to conserve water and save the Earth. "I am calling bullshit on that dude. You were just lazy." You are right, that "green" shit is totally a fad. I can't believe so many people are buying into that scam. Let's begin:
You have heard me talk about how flavored beers suck and how you should never put fruit in beer. Well I have to admit this flavored beer kicks some serious ass. One sip whirlwinds you to a mountainside of autumnal trees in all their vibrant glory and after a few their colors melt together like an impressionist painting by some dude with cataracs. It is like pumpkin pie in a glass, with alcohol. You ain't got nothin' on this Starbucks! With your fake ass pumpkin latte 'n shit. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.
You have heard me talk about how flavored beers suck and how you should never put fruit in beer. Well I have to admit this flavored beer kicks some serious ass. One sip whirlwinds you to a mountainside of autumnal trees in all their vibrant glory and after a few their colors melt together like an impressionist painting by some dude with cataracs. It is like pumpkin pie in a glass, with alcohol. You ain't got nothin' on this Starbucks! With your fake ass pumpkin latte 'n shit. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese...and Bacon
This is the burger to end all burgers. Most people (i.e. idiots) dress up their patties with all sorts of crap to mask the lower class flavor of Grocery Outlet ground beef. Not me. I buy premium beef and intentionally leave it unadulterated. Let the condiments compliment the meat, not overwhelm it. I don't want to hear from all you losers who have the 'best burger in the trailer park' because you put it in a dress and call it Nancy. Real men eat untarnished meat. Let's begin:
Take 1/2lb of 5% ground sirloin and form into two patties. Cook over medium heat until browned. Flip and place two strips of bacon and a slice of Havarti cheese on top. Toast your bun and spread on some mayo, Dijon, and horseradish. Stack that shit. Retire to the living room and turn on the Wife Swap doubleheader. Eat it.
Take 1/2lb of 5% ground sirloin and form into two patties. Cook over medium heat until browned. Flip and place two strips of bacon and a slice of Havarti cheese on top. Toast your bun and spread on some mayo, Dijon, and horseradish. Stack that shit. Retire to the living room and turn on the Wife Swap doubleheader. Eat it.
Raspberry Pancakes
This morning I got my usual 12oz coffee with four shots of espresso and all of a sudden I had an unusual hankering for some pancakes. Normally I either skip breakfast or just have bacon but today I desired something different. I wanted to make some blueberry pancakes but the only berries my market had for sale were raspberries. They will have to suffice. Let's begin:
Mix 1c flour, 1tsp baking powder, 1/2tsp salt, 1 beaten egg, and 1c buttermilk. In case you are too fucking dumb to figure it out yourself, this is your generic batter. Add whatever you like to this recipe to make different pancakes. I added 6oz of raspberries and mushed them all up in the batter. Pour ~1/4c batter into a hot skillet and when you see a shitload of bubbles flip that bitch. Repeat.
Smother with butter and drown in syrup. Eat it.
Mix 1c flour, 1tsp baking powder, 1/2tsp salt, 1 beaten egg, and 1c buttermilk. In case you are too fucking dumb to figure it out yourself, this is your generic batter. Add whatever you like to this recipe to make different pancakes. I added 6oz of raspberries and mushed them all up in the batter. Pour ~1/4c batter into a hot skillet and when you see a shitload of bubbles flip that bitch. Repeat.
Smother with butter and drown in syrup. Eat it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Lamb Burger
Today my lady and I took the tax deduction on a wagon ride to get something for lunch at the local market. My lady immediately heads to the sandwich counter and orders some shitty falafal burger like a rookie. I, on the other hand, head to the meat department like a seasoned veteran. I noticed they had some ground lamb so I picked up 1/2lb. Instinctively, I traveled to the produce section and obtained some garlic, rosemary, red onion, and spinach. One ciabatta roll later, I was ready to rock some lamb burgers. Let's begin:
Dice up a small twig of fresh rosemary. Do not use the stem like some dumb fucking idiot. Only use the needles. Mince up 1-2 cloves of garlic. Mix with 1/2lb of ground lamb. Grill or pan sear the burger and place on a ciabatta roll. Garnish with mayo, red onion, and spinach. What did you have for lunch? Probably hot pockets and cheap scotch. Eat it.
Dice up a small twig of fresh rosemary. Do not use the stem like some dumb fucking idiot. Only use the needles. Mince up 1-2 cloves of garlic. Mix with 1/2lb of ground lamb. Grill or pan sear the burger and place on a ciabatta roll. Garnish with mayo, red onion, and spinach. What did you have for lunch? Probably hot pockets and cheap scotch. Eat it.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Stone Brewing - Levitation Ale
That's fucking right you assholes! I came back with a fucking beer review. Don't like it? Suck my balls. You will be getting plenty more cooking shit but for the time being I think I will make you suffer like domestic abuse victims (Don't take that the wrong way baby. I didn't mean it. It won't happen again, I swear. Please don't tell my parole officer). In any case, This beer is way over carbonated but tastes pretty good. It is a deep, thick amber that is quite flavorful but only registers in at 4.4% ABV. I think if Stone figured out the carbonation issues this would be a much more palatable beer. Be sure to pour it into a glass and let it sit for a minute before consuming. If you drink it out of the bottle you will be wasting your time. 3.5 out of 5. Drink it.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
New Belgium Brewing - Hoptober
I have been deathly ill for the last week with what I can only assume is swine flu and I am still not completely better. I think I caught it at the less-than-respectable Safeway where I go to purchase particular items no one else carries (e.g. crawfish). The last time I was there I needed to use the restroom but there was a sign instructing me to go to customer service. They buzzed someone over to the restroom, they looked me up and down, and then let me into the restroom. An obvious sign of crackhead infestation.
I am, however, well enough to begin drinking beer again. Everyone knows you should only drink whiskey when you are feeling under the weather so it is a relief to tone it down a notch. My woman came home with some ice cream and a six pack of New Belgium so I threw an elaborately choreographed temper tantrum since New Belgium produces total trash with the one exception of 1554 Black Ale. But I was in the wrong. It might be the swine flu, or maybe the abstinence from beer, or possibly even the pint of whiskey, but I think this is one fine brew. Congratulations New Belgium, you don't totally suck. 3.75 out of 5. Drink it.
I am, however, well enough to begin drinking beer again. Everyone knows you should only drink whiskey when you are feeling under the weather so it is a relief to tone it down a notch. My woman came home with some ice cream and a six pack of New Belgium so I threw an elaborately choreographed temper tantrum since New Belgium produces total trash with the one exception of 1554 Black Ale. But I was in the wrong. It might be the swine flu, or maybe the abstinence from beer, or possibly even the pint of whiskey, but I think this is one fine brew. Congratulations New Belgium, you don't totally suck. 3.75 out of 5. Drink it.
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