It's New Year's Eve. Don't Forget To Go Fuck Yourself, Loser!!

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Your evening will consist of 'Lean Pockets,' a bottle of Nigerian merlot you picked up at the Grocery Outlet, a leopard print snuggie, the cinematic brilliance of 'Definitely-Maybe' followed by 'Love Actually,' and the painful realization of your disgustingly lonely existence (except for your retarded cat who doesn't even like you). "What the hell are you doing writing this less than an hour before midnight?!? Sounds to me like you don't have a life either!" Well if you must know, you prying piece of shit, our babysitter backed out at the last minute so I am drinking whiskey and playing child-watcher while trying my best to avoid the incredible urge to turn on Dick Clark's New Year with Ryan Seacrest. Although, I am enjoying the 'First 48' marathon on A&E. In any case, I went out to dinner last night with a few friends and this place was fucking amazing. I know most of you idiots are not from Portland but fuck you. I am going to talk about this incredible restaurant and you are going to listen to me. It is called Eat: An Oyster Bar and even if you hate oysters, like the total fucking freak you are, you will still love this place. To start off we took some oyster shooters, duh!
I blurred out everyone's faces because we are all famous celebrities who don't like to have our privacy invaded. Otherwise this picture would be all over the tabloids by tomorrow morning and I wouldn't see a dime of it. My friend and I enjoyed the 'Kentucky Shooter' (chili infused bourbon with lemon) while my lady slurped down the 'Cajun Shooter' (chili infused vodka with a spicy red sauce and lemon). Mine was the total fucking shit! For appetizers we had fried pickle chips and fried okra. On the tables they have the most amazing vinegar that is infused with peppers and garlic and it paired perfectly with just about everything. "What is that cloudy shit in the champagne glass in front of you and your amazing sweater?" Good question! Although this place has a retardedly huge bourbon list, I opted to enjoy a 'Death in the Afternoon' with Trillium. Now for the main course...
So if you are offering frog legs, I am buying frog legs. I have had this incredible delicacy in the past but nothing, nothing like these. Perfect in every way. Even the dippin' sauce they came with was spectacular. The restaurant was really busy when we visited and for that reason, and that reason alone, the initial service was relatively lackluster. Do I give a shit? No. I was in good company and I could tell they were slammed. Why be a dick about it? The help was very friendly for being so hurried, everything came out in a timely manner, and overall I was completely floored. Welcome to the neighborhood, Eat. You just might give Acadia a run for their money. 5 out of 5. Patronize it.

Marin Brewing Company - IPA

I have never heard of Marin Brewing before or even seen their bottles in the store but apparently they have quite the rapport as the bottle is adorned with an unGodly amount of medals (even a few from the GABF). The price was right and I am always down for something new so I made it mine. This a just a straightforward run of the mill Pacific Northwest (kinda) IPA. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed it, but it did not have that WOW factor like Blue Dot (a double), Brutal, Meantime, Blind Pig, or Boulevard (a double). I will probably pick this up again since it was only $4 for a 22oz but in this case "you get what you pay for" rings true. 4 out of 5. Drink it.

Eggs Bubba with NASCAR Sauce OR How I Learned to Poach an Egg

This morning I decided to make a white trash version of everyone's favorite breakfast: eggs benedict. If there are any of you idiots out there who actually know how to make eggs benedict (and I seriously fucking doubt that) don't give me shit because I am doing it wrong. I am doing it wrong on purpose, you fucking jackass. Let's begin:
Make some bacon. Keep the pan with the grease over low heat. Boil a pot of water and reduce to a simmer. Splash in some white vinegar and a little salt. Crack your egg into a small bowl and very carefully slide your egg into the simmering water for about 3-4 minutes.
Remove it from the water with a slotted utensil and when it cools remove the crap that makes it look nasty (as seen above). Toast a dollar store hamburger bun and slather it with mayo. Set aside.
In a large bowl whisk three whole eggs (if you really care enough, only use the yolks) to foam with a little fresh lemon juice and a splash of water. Whisk your egg mixture into the bacon grease over very low heat. Whisk continuously for about five minutes. Remove from heat, salt it, and let thicken slightly.
Slap all that shit together and park your butt down for the big race. Eat it.

Heater Allen - Schwarz Lager

The last time I reviewed a Heater Allen brew, they were kind enough to grace me with their presence by commenting on the post. Since then I have developed even more respect for this small brewery and I continue to purchase their amazing beer on a regular basis (desperate plea for them to send me free shit). In any case I picked up this dark lager and I love it. It is reminiscent of a rauchbier (since your pea-brain has no fucking idea what I am talking about, here is an excellent example of a rauchbier) but not nearly as in-your-face and it is much sweeter. I really like this beer because it goes perfectly with chocolate and I love me some chocolate (especially those little holiday Reece's Cups). The only drawback I see here is that this beer seems eerily like '09 Sandy Paws. I wish I was able to taste them side by side to make an accurate determination but they almost seem like the same fucking beer. What's up with that? In any case, way to make a killer fucking brew Heater Allen. You are the shit. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Oakshire Brewing - Ill Tempered Gnome Winter Ale

After my last beer review, some bitches freaked out because I called the brewery a piece of shit for being so arrogant despite the high caliber of their beer. This evening, however, I picked up a 22oz from Oakshire Brewing and to my utter delight their label reads as follows: "Humble brewers of delicious beer." For this I love you Oakshire. This is the first time I have seen any of their beers in Portland and it looks like they are moving up the ranks as Point Blank is their new distributor. This is hands down one of the best winter brews I have consumed and I have thrown back many, many, many winter brews from all over the West Coast. I will continue to look for their other beers and purchase them accordingly. Great job, Oakshire. You are the shit! Good luck in your future endeavors and I will be supporting you along the way. 4.75 out of 5. Drink it.

Bacon, Tomato, Red Onion, and Cheddar Quiche

"Dude, seriously? Quiche again? What the fuck is your damage? We are going to have to hold a quiche intervention to get you off that shit." Shut up! Quiche is quite possibly the best foodstuffs medium ever and if you don't recognize that you can kiss my fucking ass, douche. Let's begin:
Make a pie crust, form it into the pan, and fridge it. I didn't get real artistic with the crust edging here since I really don't give a fuck and I am just hungry. Cover the bottom with grated cheddar cheese and top with thin slices of red onion and diced tomato (seeded and cleaned). Top with twelve strips of cooked bacon (torn into pieces). I went kinda overboard with the bacon on this one. Feel free to only use eight strips like a big baby if you want. Might I point out you only have a few days before the New Year so get your hedonism in while you can.
Pour in your egg mixture. I added some S&P, minced garlic, ~1/3c sour cream, and a splash of water to my eggs. Bake it at 375 for about 45 min. On a side note I had a quiche at a local breakfast place not too long ago and it was overpriced and tasted like shit. I will never make that mistake again. I also saw some trashy looking quiche at my local market for $12 a pop. Who the fuck are they kidding? Certainly not me, the "King of Quiche." Eat it.

Christmas Breakfast

My lady makes the best fucking Christmas Breakfast ever and it has been passed down through generations. Scoff at the recipe if you will but it will only demonstrate what a total fucking douche bag you truly are. I never make this myself but I love it and always eat a crapload of it because it is basically the best shit ever. Let's begin:

In a large casserole dish layer 6-8 slices white trash bread, 1lb bay shrimp (I would also suggest substituting ham, bacon, crawfish, lobster, crab, etc.), and 8-12oz of diced American / Old English cheese. Mix 3 eggs, 2c whole milk, 3tbl melted butter and 1/2tsp dry mustard. Pour over the shit in the casserole dish and fridge it overnight. Bake at 350 deg for one hour. Eat it.

BBQ Chicken, Bacon, Red Onion, and Cheddar Pizza

I had leftovers from that amazing chicken I roasted to I decided to utilize them in a pizza. At first I thought quiche but I didn't know how the BBQ sauce would meld with the eggs. In any case, this was quite possibly the best pizza ever made in the history of the planet. Think you can handle this? Let's begin:
Make a dough. Slather with your homemade BBQ sauce (or in your case, the KC Masterpiece you bought with your food stamps). Top with grated cheddar and then your red onion, chicken, and bacon. Do not put raw meat on the pizza, dumbass. Top with more cheddar cheese.
I baked this bitch at 500 deg for about 12 min and it was cooked to perfection. "That picture is all dark and shit! I can barely see the pizza." Fuck you, asshole! You will take what is given to you and you will like it! Eat it.

Southern Tier - Hoppe Imperial Extra Pale Ale

I got me a Southern Tier a while ago and loved the shit out of it so I decided to splurge and pick up another despite the exorbitant price. This brew did not fail to please and was a wonderful example of craft beer but after reading the label I almost spit it out due to disgust. The label reads, "We craft this much like a sculptor who uses only a hammer and chisel to shape stone into a masterpiece." Dude, get over yourself. You are making a fucking beer, not "The Pieta." Who do you think you are? Due to their grandiose sense of self-importance (which is undeserved) and their retardedly high pricing, I think I will pass on any future meetings with this brewery. So Fuck You and your sick egomania Southern Tier, I hope you one day learn your lesson. Fucking losers. Beer: 4.5 out of 5. Brewery: -100 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Whole Roasted Trout with a Cucumber Dill Sauce

So for the same Christmas Dinner I made a whole trout for the two pescatarians. It turned out incredible well, of course, and I figured I would share my amazing recipe with you peons since you always fuck up fish. Let's begin:
Take your trout and wash it inside and out and pat it dry with some paper towels. Melt some butter and squeeze some lemon juice into it. Brush that baby down, inside and out, sprinkle some flat leaf parsley on it and in it, roll it up in some tin foil, and fridge it for about an hour. Put it in a 425 deg oven for about twenty minutes (still in the tin foil). To make the sauce, finely dice some cucumber and dill and mix it with some sour cream and lemon juice. Taste as you go to determine the proper proportions. Plate the fishy as seen above. Think I had enough sauce? Eat it.

The Best Fucking Roasted Chicken Ever!

For Christmas dinner we only had three meat eaters at the table so I decided to make a chicken instead of a turkey. Not surprisingly this turned out to be the best fucking roasted chicken on the face of the fucking planet. Eat shit and die, Boston Chicken! I rocked this chicken out and made it my bitch! So next time you want to make a whole chicken, it would behoove you to reference this recipe. Let's begin:
I will spare you from viewing the pictures of my raw chicken. They are pretty nasty and unappetizing. So the night before I cooked this fucker, I washed it inside and out (don't forget to pull all the guts out, dumbass) and rubbed it all over (inside too) with the following spice mixture: 4tsp salt, 1tsp paprika, 1tsp Old Bay, 1tsp New Mexico chili powder, 1tsp onion powder, 1tsp thyme, 1tsp white pepper, 1tsp cayenne, 1/2tsp black pepper, 1/2tsp garlic powder. I have to admit this did come out a tad on the salty side so you may want to drop the salt by a tsp or two. Then I took an onion, quartered it, and shoved it up its butt. I then crammed the chicken into a large ziplock bag and tossed it in the fridge.
I put this bad boy in the oven at 250 deg for five hours (the chicken was 4.75lbs). Then I covered it with tin foil and let it sit for 45 min while everyone else was finishing up. No one has the mad timing skills I do. I am always as cool as a cucumber in the kitchen. This chicken was so incredibly moist, I pulled all the meat off the carcass with my hands. No knife involved. How was your bird this Christmas? Was it actually edible after being drowned in gravy? Eat it.

Tap Room No. 21 Brewing Co. - Moe's Backroom Lager

The number 21 in reference to alcohol is self-explanatory. If you are totally ignorant of American history, google it you fucking dumb piece of shit. I picked up this six pack since my local mega-mart's beer isle was cleaned dry at 8pm two days before Christmas. They didn't even have half the groceries on my list! I had to go to my local hippie market to pick up everything that was essential to my Christmas Eve dinner but luckily enough it was actually cheaper anyway. But I digress, this beer is a great lager that reminds me of Yuengling (which I fucking LOVE). Once I read the label of this brew it came as no surprise that it hailed from Rochester, NY. I have many friends that hail from that douche bag city. Here are some examples:

(Courtesy of Facebook)

(Once again, courtesy of Facebook)

(Finally, courtesy of Facebook. Dude from Rochester is one simulating the nipple licking.)

In any case Tap Room No. 21 Brewing has won my favor with this lager and next time I see their other brews in the store I will definitely pick them up. Once again, good job New York, you actually can brew some good beer. 4 out of 5. Drink it. (Merry Fucking Christmas Douche Bags!!!!)

Salmon, Cream Cheese, and Jalapeno Quiche

So if you happen to read this regularly (because you have nothing better to do with your pathetic existence), you already know I have a mild obsession with quiche. You also know I make the best fucking pie crusts the world has ever seen. Well, today I decided to try something a little different. Rather than make my normal flour and butter crust, I made a potato crust. It turned out pretty damn well and was really easy to make so I figured I would share. Let's begin:
Grate 4 red potatoes and squeeze out all the excess moisture between paper towels. If you are some type of Al Gore-obsessed, Birkenstock-wearing, Prius-driving, re-usable bag-toting, hippie who buys into the myth of "global climate change," I guess you can use dish towels. Saute your grated potato with some butter for a minute until it gets a little mushy. Butter up a pie pan and press your potato into it with your fingers. Put that bitch in the fridge.
When your crust has cooled, place dollops of cream cheese all over the bottom and cover with salmon. It can be smoked or cooked salmon as long as it is safe to eat before you put it in the pie (i.e. do not put raw salmon in the pie, dumbass). Top with fresh, diced jalapeno. Whisk up 5 eggs with some sour cream and a dash of water. Pour over.
Put that sucker in the oven at 375 deg for ~45 min. At about the 30 minute mark I had to loosely cover it with tin foil because the top was already done. Remember to wait for the center puff. That is how you know it is perfect and this my friends, is perfect. Eat it.

Widmer Brewing - '10 Pitch Black IPA

When I decided to review this Pitch Black IPA from Widmer, I checked my absurdly massive archives and much to my surprise I had not reviewed any beers from this brewery despite their close proximity to my abode. Probably because most of their beer sucks donkey balls. Amnesia Brewing is right down the street from Widmer and they are WAY better (Amnesia does not currently bottle their beer, or have a website, but soon enough I will do a review on the brewery itself). Occasionally, Widmer comes out with a good limited release brew which is why I picked up this six-pack. Basically this is a nice black ale in its own right. Too bad that in a bullshit marketing move Widmer decided to slap the IPA label on it. I am sure they did this because out here anything that says "IPA" sells like hot cakes while "Black Ales" are marginalized. I don't really blame them since this marketing ploy worked on me and I did enjoy the beer but I still think that it is pretty fucked up. If you do have a chance to visit the brewery on Russell Street be sure to do it in the summer. You can sit outside in the shadow of the Fremont Bridge and drink beer from a huge ass stein (I can't remember the exact size but it is at least 40oz) while smoking fine cigars and conversing with good company. Well, in your case, talking to yourself and updating your twitter about what stupid shit your cats did today. 3.95 out of 5. Drink it.

Cheddar, BBQ Sauce, Salmon, Slaw Sandwich

Well I have all this leftover salmon from the other night (get ready for more salmon shit) so I made myself a sandwich. Instructions: read the fucking title and put that junk in a soft French roll. Think you can handle that? Eat it.

Whole Sockeye Salmon

We had a few people over for dinner last night and since my local market had some slammin' deals on whole Sockeye, I decided to pick up one of these bad boys. I have never cooked a whole salmon before so this will be an adventure for both of us. Let's begin:
Take your fishy and wash it inside and out. After you drop it in the sink like a total fucking retard, wash it again, and pat it dry. If you are lucky enough to still have the head attached, DO NOT remove it. The head can be utilized for many purposes post-cooking, and the eyeballs are a delicacy. Place it on a large baking sheet that is double lined with tin foil.

Whip up 3tbl melted butter with the juice from one lemon. Brush the fishy inside and out and while you are at it butter the tin foil too. Also pat the insides down with salt and pepper.
Bake that bitch in the oven at 250 deg for 2.25-2.5 hours. I did 2.5 hours and it was just a hair on the dry side for me but I like salmon that is close to raw. When it cools, remove the skin and feed to dog. All that gray shit comes off real easy too but I was lazy and didn't give a rat's ass.
Remove the backbone slowly so that all attached bones come out with it. The bone comes out super easy as long as you do this after cooking. Don't be fucking stupid and try to take it out before you put it in the oven, dumbass. Serve with a dill creme fraiche, or BBQ sauce, or whatever the fuck you want. Eat it.

The Bachelor

My lady went camping with some girlfriends on the Oregon Coast last night so I was left to my own devises. After I got all the hookers out of the house I needed something to soak up all the booze I had ingested so I decided to make "The Bachelor." Let's begin:
Take a soft french roll and slather on some BBQ sauce. Slap down four slices of salami, some mozzarella cheese, eight slices of pepperoni, and top with more mozzarella cheese. Place in your toaster oven at 375 deg until the cheese starts browning.
Combine the rolls to make the most badass sandwich ever! How can you deny eight slices of salami and sixteen slices of pepperoni? That's right. You can't. Eat it.

Buckbean Brewing - Black Noddy Lager

Buckbean Brewing is located in the trashy-ass city of Reno, Nevada. According to their website their owner received his divine inspiration from the OBF so at least they have something going for them. After searching my massive cranium, I could not for the life of me come up with any good exports from the disgusting state of Nevada. Everything is imported: Lobster, compulsive gamblers, cocaine, titty shows, Paris Hilton, hookers, clean water, etc. Well after tasting this 'canned' beer, I really cannot not say anything bad about it. In fact I am kind of jazzed about this dark lager. The price was right, the taste and body were superb, and it didn't try to up-charge me after I got it into the hotel room while hoovering all my blow. I fucking hate it when that happens. In any case, I was surprised to find this in Portland so you might even be able to find it in your bullshit, podunk, inbred town. 4.25 out of 5. Drink it.

Samuel Smith's Organic Lager

Ah, my good friend Sammy Smith. Really you can never go wrong with this good ol' chap. "Dude. I am looking at your time stamps and this is like the third oversized beer you have consumed this evening." Fuck you, you judgmental prick! I will fucking tell you when I have had enough, you dumb fucker! Until then sit back and ride the damn roller coaster, jackass. In any case, I hate the label of 'organic' since it is just some bullshit marketing ploy and it does not change the taste of the beer in the least. So for that, fuck you Sammy Smith's! Otherwise, this lager is the shit. Just all around a solid brew that keeps you going into the midnight hours. I really cannot say anything bad about this beer. If you can find it, buy it. 4 out of 5. Drink it.

Andouille Red Beans and Rice

I still had some sausages from when I made that Jersey Shore Quiche so I needed to make quick work with them. This was my first attempt at red beans and rice and needless to say it turned out to be fit for the Gods. I am just super fucking awesome like that, bitches. Let's begin:
Saute 1/2 onion, 4 stalks of celery, 2-3 andouille sausages, and garlic, in 3tbl butter. When all that shit has cooked down, add 2tbl creole seasoning and stir that bitch around for a few minutes. Add a can of kidney bean (including juice) and 1 can stock (NOT beef, retard). I simmered this junk for about 30 min and it was not thickening to my standards so I added 5tbl flour and simmered for another 30 min. At the end I tossed in some green onions and then removed it from heat. This was seriously the fucking bomb so you are a fucking douche bag if you don't make this. Serve over rice. Eat it.

Browar Witnica - Black Boss Porter

A few years ago, much to my dismay, my gun-toting harley-riding pitbull-owning beer-guzzling COPS-watching badass of a father-in-law moved from the Pacific Northwest to Pennsylvania. I miss that motherfucker dearly. So about a year ago I sent him a beer care package with all sorts of crazy shit he can't get on the east coast. Even though I had never tasted it myself, I included the Black Boss Porter in said care package because I knew he would appreciate the name. This evening I was in my favorite local bar (It is their one year anniversary! Congrats Mike and Chuck!), and I noticed they sold Black Boss in bottles and it was listed at 9.4% ABV. I had no fucking idea it was so high so I went to my local market on the way home and picked one up. After cracking it and taking one sip, I feel like a total fucking asshole for sending this shit to my beloved father-in-law. What fucking trash. This beer sucks harder than a homosexual prostitute on the Vegas strip. No, I take that back. It sucks HARDER! Never ever buy this garbage. -5 out of 5. Oh hell no!

Heater Allen Brewing - 2009 Sandy Paws

Heater Allen Brewing, located in not-so-scenic McMinnville (it is basically a rural ghetto), has a rather unique line of brews that rarely fail to please. I have had the pleasure of enjoying their traditional lagers in the past but this particular brew is in celebration of the Christmas season. I almost did not purchase this beer because there is a picture of a labradoodle on the label and I fucking HATE poodles. They are more aggressive than any other breed and fucking ugly as hell. Poodles should be illegal to own or breed under penalty of death. Did I mention I fucking HATE poodles? Fucking pieces of shit. In any case, this beer is totally rocking. It is a black lager that has a roasty/smokey chocolate flavor that I did not expect from the packaging. Before the glass even hit my lips I inhaled the intense aroma and it did not disappoint. If Heater Allen's marketing agents had half-a-fucking brain they would remove that dumbass piece-of-shit dog from the label and actually mention that this brew has a smokey chocolate flavor. Too bad they are mentally challenged idiots who will not sell more than three cases of this high caliber brew. What a fucking shame. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Gingerbread House

Making gingerbread houses has been a time honored tradition in my family and no Christmas is complete without one. "I don't celebrate Christmas. I am Wiccan and I do stupid bullshit pagan crap that makes no sense." Figures. For you idiots who don't celebrate Christmas, enjoy your eternal damnation. For all you normal people, time to make a fucking gingerbread house! Let's begin:
This gingerbread house was a pretty big disaster. It came as a "kit" from Costco so one would think it would be impossible to fuck it up. Wrong. It took my lady and her friend roughly four hours to put this travesty together atop it's plastic base. So I want to see what you got! Send me your photos of your shitty gingerbread house (no Doll you cannot take a picture of one in a NYC storefront and email it to me) so we can all laugh at your ineptitude. Eat it.

Pumpkin Pie II

So after I made that bomb ass pumpkin pie my woman was like "make me a real one! I don't dig that gourmet shit as my palate is far inferior to yours!" Apparently she desired a pumpkin pie that was made according to the recipe on the can. This coming from the same person who only likes that shitty jellied cranberry sauce that comes out of the can with the imprinted ridges still intact. As you can imagine my lady's culinary tastes just scream "class." This is what I have to deal with. So I indulged her and made a traditional pumpkin pie with a few tweeks so I felt better about myself. Let's begin:
Make a pie crust, form it into the pan, and put it in the fridge. In a small bowl mix 2/3c brown sugar, 1/4c white sugar, 1tsp salt, 1 1/4tsp cinnamon, 3/4tsp ginger, 1/4tsp nutmeg, and 1/8tsp allspice. In a large bowl whisk 2 eggs and 2tsp vanilla (I like vanilla). Toss in your sugar mixture and 15oz canned pumpkin. Gradually add 1 can of evaporated milk. Pour it into your crust and bake for 55 minutes at 375 deg. Let her eat it.

Crab and Corn Chowder

I had some leftover crab so I decided to make a chowder after spending an afternoon at the local speakeasy. There is nothing better on a cold winter nice than a nice bowl of chowder. Well...except cold bourbon, hot sex, and an episode of COPS but we can't have everything we want in life right? This recipe, like all my other ones, is my own brainchild and I rocked the shit out of it as usual. It only took me ~40 minutes to make so this quick and easy meal is perfect for when you need whip up a crowd-pleaser in a jiffy. Too bad you will once again resort to buying pre-made shit from your bullshit ghetto supermarket that tastes like a monkey's butthole. Let's begin:
Okay I know this is a shitty picture but I have been drinking so fuck you. In a big ass pot combine 3tbl butter, 5 diced red potatoes (skin on), 4 diced stalks of celery, 1 large diced onion, salt and pepper, and some Old Bay. Saute this shit for a while and make sure your potatoes are getting into soft territory. If you need to cover it to cook up them taters, I give you permission. Add 5tbl flour and stir that bitch up for about two minutes. Add one bottle of clam juice (8oz) and 3c milk. If you are a total douche bag and you like your chowder on the runny side just add another 1/2-1c of milk. Let it come to a slow boil over medium heat (this will take a while). Add 2 cans of corn, not the creamed shit dumbass, and 3/4-1lb crab meat. Reduce the heat to about a 3 and let it cook though for another five minutes. Eat it.

Lobster Rolls

So I got these cheap ass lobster tails from my local mega-grocer which was sweet because the only other place I could find them was Costco and they are like fucking $17 per tail! Fuck that! These bitches were only $4 a pop so I decided to adulterate the shit out of them and make some lobster rolls. This dish is a staple of the northeast where lobster grows on trees and the traditional form is very basic to allow the full flavor of the lobster to prevail. Since my lobster traveled 3,000 miles before it reached me, I decided to jazz them up and it was worth it. These rolls are so good they will wet your panties and make you squeal for more. Let's begin:
This is what your lobster should look like before you cook it. Take a whiff. If they smell like your nether regions on a bad day, toss them.
Steam your lobster for 5 minutes over sea salted water. This is what your lobster should look like post steaming. These fine specimens are 6oz a piece. If your shit is bigger, steam it for up to 8 minutes. Do not overcook, dumbass. To remove the meat compress them in order to crack the back. Once you have successfully executed this step, the meat is easily removed. It is obviously very similar to removing the meat from crawfish tails.
Coarsely chop the lobster meat and mix it with the following: Mayo, butter (room temperature), Old Bay, celery, green onions, cucumber, lemon juice, and hot sauce. The proportions are up to your personal tastes. Again, if you have really nice fresh lobster and you make this recipe, you are a fucking idiot. This is only for run of the mill, cross-country lobster. Otherwise, you should only eat it straight with clarified butter and maybe some Old Bay. Put your mixture in the fridge to chill. Place a romaine leaf in an oversized french roll and cram in your lobster mixture. Traditionally this is served with chips or fries but I still had some trailer park pasta salad left so there you have it. Eat it.

Trailer Park Pasta Salad II

The other day my woman was begging me to make my Sweet Ass BBQ Sauce as a condiment for some of those killer Costco salmon burgers and I was happy to oblige. This time I omitted the cayenne and added four diced chipotle peppers I had left over in my fridge with fantastic results. But I have a fucking mason jar full of this shit now so I was searching my massive brain for alternative uses. I decided to make my Trailer Park Pasta Salad but this time I classed it up a little. Movin' on up. Let's begin:
Cook a package of pasta. Think you can handle that? Drain and set aside. In a medium bowl combine mayo and BBQ sauce until you get your desired proportions. Dice up a red or green bell pepper, a rib of celery, red onion, tomato (seeded and cleaned), and some cucumber. Mix with the sauce and then add your pasta. The fresh veggies make this more palatable as a legitimate side dish and it was actually quite tasty. So next time you feel trashy, but not THAT trashy, whip this shit up and you will not be disappointed. Just don't resort to using store bought BBQ sauce, sicko. Eat it.

Pork Liver Pate

A month or two ago one of my friends invited me over for a pate making party. He works in the food distribution business so he was making a stupid huge batch of pate for his clients. It turned out to be a booze fest in disguise but the pate turned out fucking awesome and I even scored me a couple jars off him. I figured I would let all of you in on the recipe in case you ever need to make an epic amount of pate. Let's begin:
Start by dicing up 11lbs of skin off pork belly. This incredible specimen came from Niman Ranch. I was given the very important job of dicing 9 yellow onions, as seen above. Without me, this project would have failed worse than your short stint at the community college.
Take your 11lbs of diced pork belly and run it through a meat grinder. Then take 3lbs of pork liver and grind that shit up. These livers came from Carlton Farms. Mix your ground meaty goodness with the 9 diced yellow onions, 25 minced cloves of garlic, 10 eggs, Italian dried spices, salt and pepper, and 1c of VSOP. Be sure to line the jars with the VSOP before you cram this shit in there. My buddy also says it is important to keep the ingredients cold the whole time. I am sure it doesn't really matter that much.
Cover the jars with boiling water and let them go for about three hours. Time to finish off that VSOP!
Here is a picture of my buddy and some weird dude I never met before.
Case in point.
Here I am eying down the remainder of the VSOP. Since this evening I have made a bunch of stuff with the pate. One of my favorite uses, other than eating it straight on crackers, is in my mustard-porter sauce and drizzled over lamb. Be sure to whisk it hard enough so the pate basically dissolves into the sauce. Eat it.