Friday, January 8, 2010

Smoked Salmon, Asparagus, and Cheddar Quiche

That's right, another fucking quiche. I have noticed that some of you have not been paying attention and still think it is okay to use a store bought crust. Because of your insolence we are going to go through how to make a pie crust all over again in painstaking detail. Make sure to pay full attention this time lest I need to do it again. Let's begin:
Get your food processor out and dump in 1 1/4c flour, 1tsp salt, and one stick of butter (diced into little squares). There is no need to sift your flour, level your measuring cup, or anything stupid like that. Just toss all the crap in the processor. If you are making this crust for a sweet pie, add 1tbl sugar.
Using "on-off" turns, or "pulsations," make your mixture look like this. We good so far? You still listening? Good.
Now pour in 3tbl of very, very cold water. Pulse that bitch up and once the mixture becomes divided you are close to being done. See the two layers in this picture? "No." Fucking look closer, asshole. The top will be moving but the bottom will be stationary. This is okay. Eventually the bottom will catch up and that is how you know you are done. Don't reach your fingers in to fuck with it while the blade is moving, dumbass.
This is what it should look like when it is ready to come out of the food processor. Are you taking notes?
Form your dough into a ball and turn in down on your prepared surface. What? You didn't have this already set up? I swear to God I am going to die at the age of 35 due your complete and utter retardation. You should always be thinking three steps ahead in the kitchen!
Roll it out. It can be ugly like this one because we are going to crimp the edges, so whatever.
To get the crust off the rolling surface, pull it back on the rolling pin as seen above and quickly slide your pie pan underneath. Did your crust stick to the surface? Use more flour when you roll it out. Did your crust tear as you slid it into the pan? You rolled it too thin. If the latter does happen just patch it back together with your fingers. No harm done.
Back in the day I trimmed the edges and crimped them but started getting lazy and now I just fold the excess in on itself. Works like a charm. If you didn't notice I got this fancy new pyrex pie pan with crimped edges so I wanted to do a test run to see how the crust would form around the pan without an imposed crimp. Thus the lack of crimp in my crust on this run. Once it is in the pan, toss it in the fridge until you are ready to fill it up.
Roast some asparagus with olive oil, salt, and pepper for about 5 min at 400 deg. I was snooping around online and I saw one dude suggest that you brush the crust with Dijon. I did that but it was pretty thin and I couldn't really taste it in the end so next time I might use more. Great idea though. Layer the bottom of the pie with grated cheddar cheese, then the asparagus bottoms, then the smoked salmon, and top it all off with the spears. Pour in your whisked eggs (sour cream, water, dill, salt, and pepper). I think I used 7-9 eggs for this pie.
375 deg for 45 min and holy shit look at this! Everyone always tells me (probably out of pity) that I have the flakiest best crust they have ever tasted and are simply amazed when I tell them that it is just flour, butter, salt, and water. I attribute the amazing character of my crusts to my food processor. It does all the hard work. I just throw shit it in it. I hope this is the last time I have to instruct you idiots on quiche and I can just expound on flavor pairings now on. Do you think we are at that point yet? Or should I go over it again? Eat it.


Doll said...

That looks really good! Can you send me your food processor so I can make it too? Thanks!
-Sent from my 3GS iPhone

Doll said...

And can you also add another 5 hours to the day so I don't have to quit my job to have time to make this? Thanks!

Cooking Asshole said...

Total Prep/Cooking Time = 1hr 15min

you did not get the 3Gs...stop lying to everyone!

Kathy-Catnip Studio said...

"udder" retardation? Oh, yeah, you're the cooking asshole, not the spelling asshole.

Unless you actually meant "udder" retardation - that's food for thought.

Cooking Asshole said...

What are you talking about? I spelled it correctly..."utter" see! Go check!

PussDaddy said...

This didn't do a whole helluva lot for my udders I can tell ya that much.


Kathy-Catnip Studio said...

Laughing, again!

(waving happily at PD and her disenchanted udders)

. said...

What kind of food processor do you use? I don't fucking have one.

Cooking Asshole said...

hamilton beach and I love it. I have had it for years and years. You can get a good one for around $50

Muggsy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Muggsy said...

You should point out that SALTED butter should be used for this recipe. I used unsalted and it came out tender, golden, flaky and bland.

Previous comment was deleted because I don't know how to fucking type sometimes.

Cooking Asshole said...

Never ever use salted butter. What the fuck did you want the crust to taste like? A salt bomb? Double the salt in the recipe, genius.

Muggsy said...

Can't fucking believe I forgot the salt. There it is: salt. Listed right there in the ingredients. What a bonehead.

Oh well, my quiche still rocked.

Cooking Asshole said...

This made my fucking day.