Charlotte Eats: Fuck The Penguin and Long Live Price's

I spent the last week in the crappy city of Charlotte visiting family members. While I did not grow up there, I did spend many holidays in this sub-par town that has little to nothing to offer unless you enjoy strip malls that are full of national chains. So basically you would love it. I got the opportunity to visit two unique iconic restaurants during my stay: The Penguin and Price's Fried Chicken Coop. The former is an overrated garbage dump and the latter is heaven on earth. Let's check them out:

I was stuck in a hotel in South Park, which totally sucks ass, but I did have my aunt's sweet Acura at my disposal. I asked this chick on twitter where I should go for dinner and she suggested the Plaza-Midwood neighborhood and rattled off a few restaurant names. After doing some internet sleuthing I determined the place to go was The Penguin. That douchbag Guy Fieri plugged this place on his stupid show and I should have known better than to trust the judgement of a grown man with frosted tips. The neighborhood looked pretty run down but the storefronts were promising. Walking around it reminded me of Portland, if Portland blew goats and was located in the brutally humid south. It was a hipster's paradise and it made me wonder if all these fucking idiots came from the midwest like in Portland. I walked past an empty African restaurant and the owner who was sitting outside suggested my daughter ride the lion. Afterwards he guilt tripped me for going to The Penguin instead of his establishment especially after he let my daughter ride the lion. At the time I wrote him off but now realize I should have spent my hard earned government money at his restaurant instead.

I waited for an hour to get into The Penguin on a Tuesday night, which I hear is typical, and I was incredibly excited to chow down on some serious grub in this small, dirty, crappy diner. It's the kind of place where the best food in the world can be found but unfortunately that was not the case here. I ordered a yuengling and the barbeque (pulled pork) plate since this dish is the cornerstone of North Carolina cuisine. I have never been so disappointed in my life. The pulled pork was completely disgusting and totally bland. It looked like it came out of an elementary school cafeteria. The hushpuppies were black and inedible. The fried pickles were sloppy and flavorless. This meal was a sick joke. The baked beans were not terrible but they were not anything special either. The vinegar mop was standard but I would be impressed if they were able to fuck that up. So why is this place so popular?

People are fucking stupid and maintain a mob mentality. Everyone gets on their knees to suck The Penguin's dick and it is a cardinal sin to bad mouth it. Just like with Pabst Blue Ribbon you fake hipster morons choose image over quality. Fuck that. You people need to pull your heads out of your asses and stop your mutual masturbation festival. This place sucks and everyone knows it. Time to stand up and say it. Do it. Now.

"This place sucks and everyone knows it."

Louder!

"This Place Sucks And Everyone Knows It!"

I can't hear you!

"THIS PLACE SUCKS AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!"

See? How hard was that? Now stop being such a jackass and start celebrating real food that doesn't suck shit, like Price's Fried Chicken Coop.

Price's has been a family tradition ever since I can remember. The first time my Grandfather took me to Price's we rolled up in his Cadillac, loaded up the trunk with fried chicken, and busted out of there bumping Grand Master Flash from the subs in the back. Okay I made that last part up but whatever. I was a little apprehensive about visiting Price's since the last time I patronized this establishment the year was 2003. Not to mention I had just shit out my lower intestine after eating at The Penguin the night before. I carefully weighed the potential risks and rewards and decided to go for it. I am glad I did.

This menu makes me want to move to Charlotte just so I can order off it every day. Seriously, I would be here every fucking damn day. There are no tables in Price's; It is strictly take-out and catering. On the surface everything appeared to be the same as it was when I was eight years old so my heart started beating faster than a hummingbird on viagra. I got the half chicken meal and two barbeque (pulled pork) sandwiches. Don't judge me.

I took one bite and all the painful memories of The Penguin faded away. I crammed this pork in my mouth faster than Kim Kardashian at a football game except I didn't put both in my mouth at the same time. The texture of the pork was mildly mushy but it was overshadowed by the superb flavor.

Here is the fried chicken to end all fried chicken. Price's is the best I have ever had in my entire life and I eat a lot of fried chicken. Even I cannot make fried chicken this amazing. Words do no justice. It is just something everyone has to experience for themselves. If I ever die, I want my funeral to be in Charlotte so Price's can cater the after party and everyone can taste what the food is like in Heaven. Eat it.