Monday, October 18, 2010

Vinegar Based Coleslaw

Fuck that creamy mayo bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I love mayo but I hate it in coleslaw. I like fresh crispy coleslaw, not some mushy ass garbage. This recipe is the real fucking deal and it is designed for pulled pork sandwiches but it will basically work with anything. Let's begin:

Combine 1c white vinegar, 1/4c white sugar, 1tsp celery seed (not celery salt, jackass), and 1tsp mustard seed in a small saucepan. Bring it to a slight boil over medium heat, remove, and let cool.

Since you have no fucking clue how to cut cabbage, I will show you. Remove the outer leaves, slice the head in half down the stem, and remove the core as seen above. "I accidentally halved it the wrong way. What should I do?" Give up now, that's what the fuck you should do. For this recipe we will only need half a head so save the other half for whatever you want. Not THAT you pervert!

Place the cored cabbage half on the cutting board flat side down and start slicing thin strips as seen above. Is this really so fucking hard that you needed me to show you? "Yes." That's what I thought.

Julienne a large carrot and half a red onion. "Julienne? I don't even know a chick named Julienne. What should I do?" Oh my God you are so fucking stupid. Just slice them into thin strips, dummy. Pour your cooled vinegar mixture all over that shit, add some salt and pepper, and mix it up with your hands. Throw it in the fridge and let the flavors mix for a few hours.

Here is the perfect application of this vinegar coleslaw. Eat it.

38 comments:

Xine said...

Is that a Shun knife?

Cooking Asshole said...

It's a Wusthof. As long as I keep it sharp it treats me well.

bird said...

dude - you make this awesome slaw action and then put it on top of a wonder bread bun? FAIL!

Susan Erickson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica said...

Perfect slaw recipe; mayonnaise can lick donkey balls.

I usually make mine with apple cider vinegar and sometimes add banana peppers.

Erika Lee Sears said...

I hate mayo on slaw but you have a great recipe.

Thanks for teaching people how to cook. :)

Cooking Asshole said...

The shitty white bun is integral to the pulled pork sandwich. I spent eight hours slow cooking that pork yesterday and spent $0.89 on eight buns. You don't put pulled pork on a hipster ciabatta bun, genius!

Apple cider vinegar definitely works too but I like white for some sick reason.

Libby said...

that's a good looking barbeque sandwich. Pull-meat on hipster artisan bread would be all kinds of wrong.

bird said...

hey asshole - check out the picture of these buns!! this is what i'm talking about, not some bullshit artisan bread. (it's a link from my friend's facebook page - safe i promise!)

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs172.snc4/37915_1550335313234_1080647473_1541933_3924704_n.jpg

Cooking Asshole said...

I'll admit those buns look pretty good...

Paige said...

god i love me some mayo but that looks fucking awesome

BraveTart said...

I was once a huge fan of the "Irate Gamer" but over the years as he became considerably less profane and, consequently, less funny, I gave up. You're like the Irate Gamer, only more rant-tastic, for food. Thanks for filling the void of angry, profane filled missives in my life. Subscribed for life!

Cooking Asshole said...

Gaming is for fucking losers.

Funkkeejooce said...

Great stuff - I'm not mayo fan so this recipe is a great alternative. In fact mayo is ban in the house. If ever hubby insist on having mayo, I make it from scratch.

YaGirlNextDoor said...

That looks pretty damn good.

Doug Stephens said...

Mayo rocks. Vinegar sucks donkey ass. I guess. This actually looks kind of good though. Maybe I'm just ready for lunch.

Psychocat said...

I prefer my "slaw" as fu-mei salad, with rice vinegar and sesame oil dressing, slivered toasted almonds, sesame seeds, and crushed ramen noodles. I do occasionally like the mayo-type slaw, but only with homemade mayo, and in small batches, to be eaten before it gets mushy.

=^..^=

marie said...

I will Marie a carrot from time to time when I run out of batteries.

Mindy said...

my mom sucks at cooking. but she fucking rocked this. thanks for helping my mom suck less. well, at least in the kitchen.

Starbird said...

Okay, enough resting on your slaw laurels. Get off your ass and make another entry already.

Jeeze!

Lazy fucker! ENTERTAIN ME NOW OR FACE MY FEATHERY WRATH!

natural selection said...

That slaw is perfect for my smoked brisket. Next time the drones come by I'll make this.

Cooking Asshole said...

Patience...I have other shit to do you know.

Auri said...

I'm with you on the vinegar over mayo thing... good call Assholio

Anonymous said...

Where the hell are you? Have you cashed that check for your soul and moved to LA? WTF??? Grow some and post.

Cooking Asshole said...

Fuck LA. My eyes are on a different city.

Tug said...

Great slaw. I've made it several times since your last post. Get off your ass, asshole.

Cooking Asshole said...

damn you people are needy.

Ravenous Rowie said...

Ooh, the perfect alternative to nasty ass mayo dressing! You rock!

Anonymous said...

Great post! I’m looking to make some changes in my own eating habits and learning to cook, so I appreciate your insight a lot! Thank you. I recently stumbled upon this blog like I did yours and I thought your readers may appreciate it: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/11/04/food-for-thought/

I’ve started to look for their stuff more regularly and I think I’m going to add your blog to my list as well. Thanks for the post!

-Amy

CarlyNZ said...

*tumbleweeds rolling slowly through*

Dude... I have a request... I already make awesome tacos, but now I need to know how to make AMAZING tacos. This incredibly hot burlesque artist chick is coming over for dinner and cheesy B-movie violence and I need to rock her socks. I have such an epic girl crush on this woman, my life (and the possibility of a drunken lip-lock) depends on excellent tacos.

Please help me further my filthy aims with the help of superb food. Please!

CarlyNZ said...

PS: I know you make kick ass fish tacos. But honestly, could I be any more OBVIOUS fixing those? LOL (Just trying to preempt the inevitable filthiness.... :P)

Cooking Asshole said...

Since true pastor would obviously be way to hard for you, make picadillo. Just omit the raisins. I hate raisins.

Stella said...

Yummerz! I love oil based, crunchy slaw too. Yours looks good, especially on that sandwich;)

Starbird said...

WTH? Where are you? It's been just shy of a month.

Have you lost the ability to type due to chronic jacking off?

Get of your ass and ENTERTAIN YOUR READERS!

Cooking Asshole said...

Are you fucking happy now? Jesus Christ.

Thanks: Management said...

Holly Hell, why is this only the first time I'm finding out about this glorious blog!!! Brilliant.. Cole slaw isn't' too bad either!!

Anney said...

new to following, I was looking up a vinegar based slaw recipe when I came across this cooking blog and all the cursing and rudeness oddly gave my mood a boost :)

Anonymous said...

Dude, you're hilarious. I should have thought of this a long time ago. Keep up the good fucking work.

p.s. mayo on slaw sucks shit and licks balls.