Reader Submission - Pizza

This chick named Julie posted the above picture of a pizza to my Facebook page. She wrote "Here's some shit I made. Can't wait to try out your recipees (sic) and take pictures!!!" From what I am able to glean, she is basically saying that this is a Boboli crust and the mozzarella is pre-shredded. I am also able to ascertain there is a guy involved and the woman is lactose intolerant. They might play in a band of sorts, live in Austin Texas, and hate that dumb Farmville bullshit on Facebook. I am just like that dog whisperer dude but for people. Really, this looks pretty damn good and if you happen to read this Julie, please leave a brief instructional in the comments. Good Job.

Chocolate Stout Battered Deep Fried Snickers Bars

You read correctly people. Go ahead and take a minute to yourself because I know I just fried your brain. A place down the street from me used to sell these (with regular batter) but they kept fucking up their deep fryers so they stopped. That was the worst day of my life. Today, I patch the tear ripped in my universe. Let's begin:
I did some interweb sleuthing and I could not find a recipe for chocolate stout batter or even regular batter that I liked so I made my own. Mix 1 beaten egg, 1c chocolate stout, and 1tbl veg oil. Set aside. In a separate bowl mix 2c flour, 1tsp baking powder, and a pinch of salt. Mix the wet into the dry.
Okay people, I know these look like fat turds but they are not! I don't really know why these are so fucking ugly but when they taste this good who gives a shit? Take your frozen snickers bars, run them through the batter, and fry them in vegetable oil until browned. I had my knob at about a 7 but I would suggest doing it at a 5.
Here is an inside look. Since my heat was a little high the core did not have a full chance to melt into the batter (as seen above) so that is why I would keep it at a 5, not a 7. But whatever, this shit was awesome. I will have to try this again. I think wrapping the snickers in lightly cooked bacon before applying the batter would be a pretty sick idea. Eat it.

Vegetarian Chili II - Falafel style

If you eat meat, go ahead and skip this recipe. If you are a hippie vegetarian (or even worse, a vegan), pay close attention as you will probably love this. We have made an awesome vegetarian chili in the past as well as scratch falafel, but I happened to pick up some cheater falafel mix a while ago at a terrorist market and on the back of the package there was a recipe for chili. This idea intrigued me so I figured I would give it a shot. It was very quick and easy to make so it suits all you people who have eight kids, three jobs, two dogs, and can't stop fucking complaining. Here is my take on the box recipe. Let's begin:
Mix 3/4c cold water with 1c falafel mix and let it sit for 20min (this step will vary mix to mix). Fry it up with a fair amount of vegetable oil (and white onions if you wish) until crispy and then add 1tbl New Mexico chili powder, 1/2tsp cayenne, and 1/2tsp salt for a minute or two. I always cook spices in with the sauteed shit for a minute or so before I add liquids. I don't really know if this does anything. I never learned this from anywhere, I just started doing it. More of a force of habit thing, but whatever. Maybe that crazy SpiceHound guy can tell me if what I am doing makes any sense. In any case, add 2 15oz cans of chopped tomatoes (with juice) and 1 drained can of chickpeas (aka garbanzo beans). I garnished it with some hummus and flat leaf parsley but you can use whatever the fuck you want. Again, this is not a super awesome dish but it is easy, quick, and palatable (especially for vegetarians/vegans). Eat it.

Pix Patisserie - A Chocolate Orgasm

So I have been lagging in the cooking department but I have some shit up my sleeve for this evening that will blow your puny minds. In the meantime, I would like to share my trip to Pix Patisserie. They have a few locations but I went to the one in North Portland, duh. They were one of the first gentrifiers on the street and now it has exploded into a full on hostile hipster takeover. Take note of the glass garage doors. They are always a tell tale sign. Let's check it out:
Pix Patisserie shares a building with the 5th Quadrant. Pix has a chocolate factory and the 5th Quadrant has a brewery. Fuck yeah. Notice all the hippie bike parking. This street is a major corridor for bike commuters. "Bike commuters? What the fuck?" I know, right. Even though it rains 95% of the year in Portland, some people (idiots) choose to ride their bikes to work rather than drive a damn car. These people are easy to spot because one pant leg is always rolled up and they are perpetually sipping on the white liberal guilt kool aid. All I know is I can't fucking park my car right in front which is a total bitch.
On the inside this place screams class. It is really small but they have designed the place to flow very well. They have all sorts of specialty liquors, including various absinthe labels, and coffee/espresso. The purpose of these libations is to compliment what you choose from the cases.
The first case has all sorts of sweet ass chocolates and little gift boxes. At one point they had the Peanut Butter Bacon Truffle and I think they also had a Bacon Blue Cheese Truffle. Point being, they are quite experimental. They also need to be refrigerated so don't buy a box and fucking ship it to the East Coast, dumbass.
This is the money case. This shit is off the hook. The top row displays their talents. They also have salami plates and stuff in this one.
I decided on a Royal and a Rogue Chocolate Stout. The Royal is "chocolate mousse blanket[ed] [in] a crisp hazelnut praline filling and dacquoise base. Grab your paper Burger King tiara and indulge yourself!" You can also order the Royal with Cheese and it will be presented to you with a side of creamy French Brillat Savarin. This place is not cheap but it is worth every penny. Now, time to head over to that brewery. Patronize it.

The Red Fox Bar - Chiseled in Stone by the Gods

In the interest of full disclosure I do have to let everyone know that I might be a biased source for this review since I might be known to briefly socialize on occasion with the owners, Mike & Chuck. Mike is a staple of the bar scene and Chuck is a staple of the food scene. They came together last year to open this sick ass bar, The Red Fox. They both work harder than any other bar owners or managers I have ever come across and it shows. In any case, if I hated the place I would tell them that and more importantly, I would tell you. The situation (that word will never be the same after Jersey Shore) is that this place is totally fucking rock star. Let's check it out:
The Red Fox is real small, tucked in the back corner of a produce store, and about 50 feet from the sidewalk. Excellent for bringing in new business. When you are driving down Albina just look for this mural here and it is in that building. That is the best way to actually find this place. The good thing is that few people know about it so it is filled with neighborhood regulars and service industry people. Where do you think the kids at the Florida Room drink?
This bar only has three taps but who gives a fuck (One is DM Hop Lava)? This place is about neighborhood, urbane discussion (i.e. fart jokes), and some pretty damn good food. The sonoran dog is the bomb. If you don't know what it is you better ask somebody. The gumbo is also amazing. They also use a lot of local produce from the produce store in the same building, sustainable meats, and all that bullshit. I love this place and you should too. Patronize it.

Sloppy Assholes

I was scouring my fridge for something to eat for lunch and I came up with this awesome idea for a sandwich. I had everything to make Sloppy Joe's but Sloppy Joe's fucking suck. So I took the concept of a Sloppy Joe and made it not suck. You are going to be all up in these Sloppy Assholes. Let's begin:
Start off by making your meat stuffs. Fry up some bacon and brown some hamburger over medium heat. I think I used about 3/4lb. Drain your meat. You don't want all that juice in the Sloppy Asshole; it is greasy enough.
Mix your meat with a crapload of cheddar cheese, red onion, and BBQ sauce. I think I used about 1/2c sauce but it was all I had on hand. In the future I would use a good bit more.
Slam your meat into some shitty white buns and you have yourself a Sloppy Asshole. Eat it.

Fish Tacos - Not Just a Euphemism

Tonight I made some quick fish tacos for dinner. If you don't already know, Costco sells really cheap individual portions of fish in 3lb bags. Excellent for any occasion, unless you are really trying to please and that is when you get the whole fish or giant fillet. In any case this post is about fish tacos so let's open wide and begin:I just cooked my fish like I did here and make sure to fry the tortillas. I topped them with all the shit you see here: cilantro, red onion, white cheese, lime, and cabbage. My woman also cut up some tomato.
Here are your fish tacos. I hear they pair really well with blue balls. Eat it.

Green Dragon Bistro and Brewpub

The Green Dragon was bought out by Rogue a few years back and there was a pretty big hoopla and a fair amount of community backlash. Sorry to disappoint, but I have absolutely no insider information on this deal as it happened after my brief tenure at Rogue and everything I learned about it was from this interview (here and here) but after reading it I think I actually understand less. So I figured, what the hell, I might as well check this place out. I have no idea what this place was like before Rogue bought it so all my impressions are fresh and virgin. Let's check it out:
The exterior is standard industrial which fits with the neighborhood (SE 9th & SE Belmont) and I am pretty sure they have one of those huge glass garage doors that are all the freaking rage nowadays. Is there some Portland zoning law that says no new building can be built in hipster neighborhoods unless it has a fucking glass garage door? You can't really see it in the picture but that neon light is pretty badass. They also share the building with Integrity Spirits but I don't think the business are intertwined at all.
The one thing that really impressed me about this place was their tap list. I mean, seriously, check that fucker out. Overall the list was very well developed and well thought out. I can only assume it rotates regularly so if you are reading this in May of 2010, it is likely that none of those beers are being poured there currently. Rogue is also in the makings of brewing beer on site (much like the Eugene City Brewery and the Issaquah Brewhouse) and you can watch them brew the beer while you drink yours. Everyone knows there is nothing more exciting than watching people brew beer, except watching fucking paint dry.
The ambiance of the place fucking sucks balls. It is a yuppie-hipster-trendy-industrial-empty void of a space. If you live in Portland you know what the fuck I am talking about. I know it is intended to be that way but it sure as fuck does not have the cozy bar feeling I embrace. It feels like you are drinking in an industrial warehouse, because you are. So I thought to myself, if I were standing on the corner of SE 7th and SE Morrison and I wanted to get a beer where would I go? If I wanted to go to a chill ass cozy bar, I would head to the Speakeasy or the Basement Pub. If I wanted to go to a brewery, I would make the short walk to Roots Organic Brewing Company. If I wanted to go somewhere famous, I would go to the East Bank Saloon (they were on Elimidate). If I wanted a killer tap list, I would go up the road to The Horse Brass. At no point would I think Green Dragon. Don't waste your unemployment check here.

Pork Tacos

So I did something kinda weird here but it end up working out it my favor as it was totally kick ass. I still have some leftover ribs from the other day and I am tired of eating fucking straight ribs so I shaved the meat off the bone and diced it up. Then I pan fried it with some extra BBQ sauce over medium heat until it was nice and warm and even maybe a little crispy. I fried some corn tortillas in oil, then threw down the meat, and added my toppings: pineapple/kiwi crap OR red onion relish, and some sliced cabbage. I know the pineapple thing may sound a little odd but I knew it was going to work because the best al pastor tacos I have had were served with a little pineapple. This has been a lesson on creative uses for leftovers. Don't go out and buy fucking ribs and pineapple so you can make these tacos. That would be totally stupid. But next time you have leftover pork and condiments, think tacos. Eat it.

A Call To Action

Okay people, I have never asked you for anything. I don't even have ads to click or some dumbass "donate" button. I don't want the petty cash you earn from coal mining in West Virginia, your social security, or even your food stamps. I do, however, need to ask a favor of you.

Picture Obtained Illegally and Used Without Permission.
Fuck you.

This one loser on the interwebs has this stupid ass website that no one reads and he started a poll for your favorite mythological creature. Now don't get me wrong, I think all mythological creatures are equally retarded but the mascot of my alma mater is a griffin. I need you all to click here and VOTE GRIFFIN so we can kick the living shit out of the damn unicorn (right now the unicorn is ahead by one). This is really, really important to me. I get a shitload of visitors a day (I spy on all of you via my statistics page) so there is no way we can't blow this guy out of the water and make him curl up in the fetal position in his stupid unicorn sheets crying his guts out. Suck it unicorn!

Pineapple Kiwi Mahi Mahi

I made this pineapple kiwi topping for an individual portion (I had other plans for my personal meal this evening) so if you want more just think bigger, dummy. In a small bowl combine one kiwi (cut it down the middle, scoop the shit out with a spoon, and dice), a handful of diced cilantro, the juice from 1/2 a lime, 1/2 diced jalapeno, a handful of pineapple, and some salt. This was incredibly easy and fast so I don't want to hear any bullshit about how making food yourself is too difficult and time consuming. That type of loser thinking has no place here! "What is that side dish?" Oh, um, err, that just might be Rice-A-Roni. "You hypocrite! My reality is crumbling before my very eyes!" Whatever, fuck you. Eat it.

Crappy Lunch Burgers

I threw together these crappy burgers for lunch and since you are all so fucking interested in every little thing I make I figured I would humor you and talk about my lunch. I took my meat and tossed in some diced white onion, diced jalapeno, one beaten egg, Worcestershire, Tabasco, and Old Bay. Big fucking deal right? Well get this: I then fried up four strips of bacon, removed them from the pan, and fried up my burgers in the bacon grease. Gross? I think not! I placed them on the highest quality white trash buns that had been slathered with horseradish mustard and mayo. I don't know if you can tell but there are actually three burgers on this plate. That's right. I had three fucking bacon cheese burgers for lunch. What? Eat it.

Pause Kitchen and Bar

I love Pause (they don't have a website so just google it, dumbass) but if you don't have kids I would just overlook this place. I go there because they have a great kid's menu, a great tap selection, a large outdoor seating area (lots of picnic tables) and a grassy open area where kids can run around unattended while their parents get their booze on. During the summer months this place is just teeming with children. If you have a hot date (not likely), you would probably not want to bring them to a place with a bunch of screaming kids and jaded, disillusioned, drunk parents. I could be wrong but do whatever the fuck you want to. Their signature dish is their bad fucking ass hamburger that is freshly ground every day and the meat is Strawberry Mountain aged chuck. Totally awesome. If you ask them their signature dish is the mac and cheese but I don't really like it that much.
As you can tell this place gets pretty fucking busy! But seriously, their big numbers come from the summer months. Their bar is pretty well stocked but they don't have any absinthe! Boo!!! They have a pretty killer rotating tap selection, however, and I decided to start off with a North Coast Brewing Scrimshaw Pilsner (click here to see my previous review). Then I noticed they had a cask pull so I got me a Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout (for my reviews on other Lagunitas brews click here, here and here). It tasted a little burnt on the front end but it smoothed out nicely. Overall I love this place and you should definitely check it out sometime. Patronize it.

Pineapple & Mango Mahi Mahi Tacos

These were moderately labor intensive so be forewarned. I got 3lbs of Mahi Mahi at Costco this weekend so get ready for some serious exotic action in the near future. "That sounds sexy!" No, exotic not erotic you fucking idiot. Of course the first thing I do is just put them in some damn tacos but more interesting shit is to come (hopefully). This recipe can also be used for any white fish in case you were too stupid to figure that out on your own. Let's begin:
So in the interest of full disclosure I originally intended this mixture to be a sauce that I would run over the cooked fish after being placed in the taco. In a simple twist of fate it ended up being way too runny. A total idiot, like yourself, would just throw it all away but a super genius like myself would realize that it would make the perfect marinade. All you have to do is process the juice from a 20oz can of pineapple, 1/4c vegetable oil, the juice of 2-3 limes, 1 diced mango (skin it, stupid), a hand full of cilantro, some salt, and one clove of minced garlic. Soak your fish in that shit for no more than three hours.
Lay some tin foil down on a baking/cookie sheet and throw down some of the marinade. Place your fish on it and then cover the fish in the marinade. Broil for 5 min per side. Since you are totally fucking retarded I feel the need to remind you, again, that when you broil shit you need to keep the oven door open a crack so you don't burn the hell out of it.
Make a red onion, jalapeno, and tomato relish (same we did for the scallops but add 1 diced jalapeno). Fry your tortillas in oil like we did for the Spinach and Mushroom Enchiladas. Plop your fish down and top with the relish, sour cream, white cheese (preferably queso fresco), and cabbage. I usually do a long slice (or in layman's terms, julienne) for cabbage but I did a dice here and it looks like shit. Do the long slice.
I also made this crappy black bean shit to go with it. I just sauteed some onion and garlic, added some chili power and cumin, diced red pepper, and then a can of black beans (juice included). Easy and simple side for some bitch ass tacos. Eat it.

Lakefront Brewing - Multiple Beers

So you all probably don't remember but last spring I gave a less than favorable review on Lakefront ESB. Well the other day I received an email from a dude at Lakefront (who shall remain nameless for his protection) and believe it or not he was actually really fucking nice and said it was too bad I didn't like the beer and it was probably just skunk from the long truck ride. I told him that since most brewers/owners who don't like my reviews just leave shitty anonymous comments or ignore me, it would only be fair if I tried their beer again and gave it a another shot. I went to my local bottle shop that evening and picked up three different Lakefront styles. Without being a fucking smartass, this is what I think of them:
When I poured this beer out there was so much sediment it looked like those badass old school Orbitz drinks (the ones with the suspended gelatin in them). I am no stranger to sediment and realize why it exists but this was a little ridiculous. I have not even seen this much sediment in any other beer I have ever consumed (including Belgians).

See what I mean? Anyway, I still drank the shit out of it. If you know what I like in a beer, you would know that this is the exact color and clarity I desire. It comes as no surprise then, that I was pretty fucking excited about trying it. It has some nice citrus/floral notes but it seemed a little watery. Just a little empty and unbalanced. I don't think I have ever said this about an IPA before but more malts would be nice. The hop flavor, however, was perfect. Overall I thought it was just okay but on the verge of being excellent. Tweek the recipe a tiny bit and you have yourself a winner. 3.5 out of 5.
This is a coffee stout that got the job done. It tasted like coffee and was a real light, easy drinking stout: not thick, not heavy. Even chicks would like this stout. I thought it was pretty good and since it was brewed for a coffee shop/cafe I think they hit it spot on. Stout aficionados, however, would completely disagree. 3.75 out of 5.
The final beer I got was a dark lager. Coffee, chocolate, and caramel flavors dominate this beer. Very malty but easy drinking. Out of the three this one definitely had the biggest flavor and it felt like I was drinking a full bodied beer. As far as style is concerned this one beats the other two by a long shot. It is a good example of a dark lager and would probably fare well in a blind taste test, which I cannot say about the other two. 4 out of 5.

All in all I am still not totally impressed with Lakefront but I am glad I gave them another shot. It might be the travel time, it might be my preconceptions, or they might just not be able to compete with the high caliber microbrews of the Pacific Northwest (that's right, I said it). Whatever the deal, I will not go out of my way to purchase their bottles in the future but I sure as hell would not turn one down if handed to me. If I saw them on tap somewhere I would totally order it in hopes of greener pastures.

Funny Google Searches II

So a while ago I posted some funny ways people found my little website via google. If you don't already know, and you don't, I have a super high google ranking for reasons unbeknownst to me. I guess it is because I am just so fucking awesome. I decided to check my anal-ytics for the first time in a long time and I found some even funnier google searches so here goes nothing:

shitty asshole
asshole attack
cooking with an asshole
asshole bangers
http://www.gfucking.com/holla (this is an actual website and I would not suggest visiting it)
asshole pie
bbg evi pussyi (yeah, I have no idea either)
creamy assholes
eat shit and die, assholes
eggs in asshole
how to cook fried ass
shit eat
shit pie
what the fuck is an enchilada (I am guessing this person is from Canada)

Now this is where we get interesting:

1 cup 1 asshole
4 dudes 1 asshole
al gore is a douchebag
are all dudes named ryan an asshole (pretty much)
ass muffins
asshole brutal
asshole bottle sheet
asshole corn
barista assholes
big ass ride cock
big cooks in asshole (I think that was a typo...)
black assholes shitting
can you blacken catfish (this is just a freaking retarded question)
can you cook your brain by sitting next to a heater (once again...)
chefs are assholes (this person stuck around for 4 minutes)
chicken fuck anal
*censored* (I never thought I would do that but trust me...you don't want to read that)
coon holler Oregon
eating shit out of asshole
fuck u and your bananas asshole
go fuck yourself and eat your own shit and die
how to eat pork liver pate (put it in your fucking mouth, dumbass)
how to put a hard boiled egg into asshole
is it a sin to call eggs deviled egg (most definitely)
porter is a shitty name
pouring chili powder in asshole pictures
pussdaddy sucks (PussDaddy is a regular reader! That was in there!)
ryan seacrest asshole
shit in someone else's asshole
turkey chicken butt fucking
you cook with shit you eat shit (true words of wisdom)

That is all for now folks. I hope you enjoyed this SEO lesson.

Motherfucking Ribs Baby III

Well I still had a hankering for some ribs after I plowed through that 1lb rack of baby backs last week so I picked up a 4lb rack of pork ribs (are there any other kind?) at Costco this weekend. I rubbed them all over with my awesome pork rub and let them sit in the fridge overnight. I put them in the oven only to realize an hour later that it was beautiful outside and I should have put them on the grill. Talk about an epic fail. In any case they still turned out awesome (because I made them) but I love grilling because you get to stand outside looking at meat, smelling meat, and drinking beer. Let's begin:
Here is a picture before I trimmed off any fat and before I rubbed them down. I hate pictures of raw poultry but I love pictures of raw pork, beef, and lamb for some strange reason. Rub your shit down, wrap it tight and shove it in the fridge for at least three hours and as long as overnight.
Since these ribs were 4lbs, I put them in a 250 deg oven for three hours before even checking on them. This was actually a big mistake. By the time I checked on them they already had an internal temp of 180 deg (my woman got me one of those fancy meat thermometers for Christmas). I slathered them in BBQ sauce and cooked them for another 30 min on a lower temperature. I just like it when the BBQ sauce gets cooked into the meat. Unfortunately the BBQ sauce did not have enough time to cook and the last thing I wanted was dry pork so I pulled the plug on it. They were still awesome but I would suggest beginning the BBQ sauce stage at about two and half hours if not earlier.
Don't forget to let your meat sit for at least 10 min before cutting into it. This applies to all meats. Don't ask why, just fucking do it. These were pretty spanking good but I could taste the rub more than the BBQ sauce which was not what I was shooting for. Oh well, live and learn. Eat it.

Moon Pizza V - Pepperoni, Red Onion, Black Olives, and Mozzarella

When I just did the search to figure out what number moon pizza post this was going to be, I looked back on my first ones and man were they fucking ugly as hell (although IV looked pretty damn good). Why didn't you assholes burn the shit out of me for making something that looked like that? You people disappoint me more and more everyday. Let's begin:
Make your pizza dough and divide it in half. Make it look all flat and shit as seen above. Put some mozzarella on the bottom, then some pepperoni, then black olives, then red onions, then more pepperoni, and finally more mozzarella (I took this picture before I added the last cheese layer, duh). Layering is very important so heed my instructions and maybe actually try to learn something from them (i.e. ask yourself why I layer things in such specific order, dumbass).
Fold that shit over and crimp the edges to seal that bad boy up.
Now flip the whole fucking thing so the seams are on the bottom. This move takes a little finesse so watch yourself. I didn't do it here, and I am not too sure why, but I should have put a nice crimp along the edge like I did in IV. What I forgot to do in IV, however, was cut some vent holes.
Bake it on the bottom rack in a 500 deg oven for about 13 min. Serve with some warm pizza sauce. Eat it.

Rogue Ales - Mocha Porter

Well you all know how I feel about Rogue Ales' corporate structure (especially since that loser Brett Joyce took over for his daddy, Jack) and if you don't, don't ask - long story. Suffice to say it is not positive at all. Despite my bitterness, however, I can't stay away from their beer. It is just too fucking good (thank you John Maier - he is a super chill guy too). The only bone I have to pick is the price. It is highway fucking robbery. Twelve dollars for a six pack? Fuck you. So when I was at Costco this weekend and saw a case of Mocha Porter for only $25 I almost shit myself. I would have picked up four of them if my woman was not there. Along the same note, Rogue has regular Garage Sales at every pub that have pretty sick deals on cases. See that number on the case in the picture (12981)? That means this shit is pretty fresh for a porter. At the end of 2006 they hit number 10,000 so that is what I use as a reference point. If this were an IPA, for example, and the number was 9,800, I never would have purchased it because it would have been skunk as shit. Always check the batch number, especially during Garage Sales. Sometimes they try to pass off their shitty skunked beers to suckers like you. In any case, Mocha Porter is an amazing beer. "What does it taste like?" It tastes like it reads, dumbass. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Coffee and Doughnuts OR How I Learned to Avoid Cooking Breakfast on Playoff Weekend

When I awoke from my dreams of big game hunting dinosaurs in the Amazon this morning, I was like "holy shit! It's almost time for the Cowgirls to lose to the Vikings in a completely embarrassing and shameful way!" I thought about making something real fast but time was of the essence. I ran to my local market that sells VooDoo Doughnuts (just the best doughnuts ever made in the history of the universe. No big deal or anything) and picked me up some sugar bombs for breakfast. If you are going to have multiple doughnuts, the best away to avoid any sort of guilt (especially if you are a total sissy or have been wished a happy birthday by Willard Scott) is to make your first one of the blueberry persuasion. You can trick your brain into thinking you are being healthy while you cram sugar and flour in your ugly fat face. Really what difference does it make what you eat with a face like yours? For my next doughnut I hit up some sprinkle action. You can never go wrong with chocolate paired with artificial crap and the imminent threat of cancer. So it is almost time to sit your fat ass down on the couch and watch America's real pastime: football (and I am not talking about that pansy ass game played with the speckled ball). Oh and if you like the Cowboys, I hate you and everything you stand for. Eat it.

Motherfucking Ribs Baby II - Baby Back

I know that in Motherfucking Ribs Baby I, I stated that only idiots cook ribs in their oven. Well it is January in Portland and that means one thing: rain. Since I don't have a covered area in which to BBQ and I got a serious hankering for some rib action, we are going to make some baby backs in the oven. The rules of the game still apply. Slow and low is how we are going to make these bad boys. Patience is key when it comes to the art of ribs.Let's begin.
Mix up your pork rub in a small bowl. Lay your ribs on a large sheet of foil as seen above. If you bought your ribs at some shitty supermarket, there will be a white membrane on the backside (called the pleura). Remove it completely. If you bought your ribs at a kick ass butcher or local market, it will already be removed. Also be sure to trim off any excess fat.
Rub your spices all over that bad boy. "Rub" is actually misleading. If you rub it in your ribs will get all sorts of fucked up. Pat them in vigorously (no need to be gentle) and that way a nice spice layer is formed over the meat.
Wrap that shit up as tight as you can and throw it in the fridge for at least three hours (preferably six hours to overnight). I only did it for three hours and it worked out fine for me. In the meantime, make your BBQ sauce. Not surprisingly, I made this batch with a buttload of chipotle peppers (that's for you PussDaddy!) so I omitted the cayenne from the recipe. Some people (idiots) marinate their ribs in BBQ sauce pre-cooking. That is totally stupid. Don't do it.
Let your ribs sit outside the fridge for about an hour before you put them in the oven. Place them, uncovered, on a baking sheet and put them in a 250 deg oven for two hours. Remove and baste with BBQ sauce. Return to oven for another hour and a half to two hours, basting and flipping every 15 min. This will give you a nice thick cooked on layer of BBQ sauce. Want a little less? Don't start basting until after three hours. I know this may seem labor intensive, fat-ass, but it is all worth it in the end. Eat it.

Fish (Tale) Brewing - Reel Anniversary Ale AKA Ten-Squared

I thought I had reviewed the Fish Tale pale ale or at least the IPA but I couldn't find it in my lengthy history. I drink Fish beer on a semi-regular basis, as their beer is quite good, so once I saw this limited release 22oz I had to give it a whirl. Ten-Squared refers to the fact that this beer has ten varieties of hops, 100+ IBU (International Bitterness Units, dumbass), and an ABV of 10%. Wouldn't that be Ten-Cubed? Anyway, I was expecting this beer to be either completely over the top or similar to my #1 favorite beer of all time. When I poured it into a glass it was much darker than I anticipated and its taste reflected that. The malty caramel flavor of this beer was so strong that it overpowered all ten varieties of hops. There was a slight citrus/floral taste, which is what I personally love in a beer, but I really had to search for it. Overall this was a major disappointment for my tastes but if you are into the malty shit, this beer is for you. 3 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Upright Brewing - Seven

So I did purchase another Upright Brewing bottle while I was at John's Market and I picked Seven since it appeared to be a nice light golden ale (in the Belgian tradition). The second I saw it come out of the bottle I knew I was in love. The color and clarity are everything I look for in a good beer: an almost orange hue and cloudy as shit. My first sip did not disappoint and neither did the rest of the bottle. Although they are two entirely different beers I much preferred Seven to Five and I had a massive hard-on for Five. Upright is so freaking amazing I think I am going to have to visit the tasting room at their brewery this weekend. Hopefully they take bad checks. 5 out of 5. Drink it.

Fava Bean Tuna Sandwich

I made this sandwich for lunch a few weeks ago and I totally forgot about it until now. It was pretty spanking good so I would highly suggest you give it a shot. The only tough part is finding the right kind of fava beans. There is a terrorist market in town that has all sorts of crap with Muslim writing on the labels so you know it is straight off the boat. I would suggest seeking out something similar in your town. Just be sure to put on a burka before you enter the store so no one tries to blow you up. Let's begin:
In a large bowl mix up 1 can of fava beans, 1 can of tuna, lemon juice, 1/4c extra virgin olive oil, two splashes of red wine vinegar, a dash of sugar, S&P, some diced flat leaf parsley, and red onion. Hard to fuck that up, huh? Don't worry, I am sure you will figure out some way to ruin it, as usual.
Place it on some toasted bread with lettuce and you have yourself lunch. Eat it.

*Please no comments about how I cut the bread wrong (I am looking at you, Doll!). Thank you.