Leftover Vegetarian Enchiladas

I made some scratch enchiladas last night and didn't take any pictures but here is a photo of one after I had it in the fridge overnight, microwaved it, and cut it in half. Appetizing, huh? Well they were really fucking good, dickhead. For the filling I made my chipotle dip shit but without the tomato, EVOO, lime juice, and cilantro. I also took the heat down a notch. So basically, it was totally different. I made some enchilada sauce (the canned stuff is garbage) and poured 1/3 of it into a shallow casserole dish. Then I rolled up my chipotle dip shit with grated pepper jack in tortillas and placed them in the casserole dish. I topped the whole thing with more pepper jack and then slapped the remaining sauce all up in that bitch. Tossed it in the oven (uncovered) for about 40 min or so at 350 deg and that was that. Since I made the filling and grated the cheese while the sauce was cooking down, it only took 20 min to prep the whole thing. Next time you have a LARP potluck you know what to make, loser. Eat it.

Allagash Brewing - Tripel Ale

Allagash is not easy to find around these parts as it is from the other, less cool Portland on the other side of the country. I first tried their Hugh Malone Ale, which was stupid awesome, so when I found this bottle I grabbed it in my talons and swooped it up like a bald eagle on an unattended baby lamb. It comes as no surprise that this beer was the fucking bomb. Excellent in every way. Good job, Allagash. I will continue to seek out your beers despite our geographical separation. 4.75 out of 5. Drink it.

MateVesa Brewing - Yerba Mate IPA

First there was the coffee stout and/or porter. Now MateVesa Brewing made a yerba mate IPA. What the fuck is next? A crack cocaine malt liquor? This is getting a little crazy. I know that yerba mate is all the rage nowadays with unhappy hipsters and I guess its transition into beer was only natural, but come on! It is even labeled organic! The 'fad' quotient on this is though the fucking roof. As far as beer goes, however, I thought this was pretty darn good and the price was right. I didn't taste any yerba mate, which is good because that stuff tastes like shit, and I also didn't feel any of the caffeine. But seriously, who takes uppers with their downers? Junkies, that's who. This crap is like the speedball of beers. But since it was not terrible I give it a 3.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Poll Results - What is Your Employment Status

What the hell is wrong with you people? The vast majority of you cook all the time, eat meat, and love your awesome job. Why are you well-adjusted people reading this tripe? I thought you would all be self-loathing unemployed vegans who eat microwave burritos. You people are like high ranking power figures who enjoy being sexually dominated, and not in a normal way. What. The. Fuck. For this week's poll we are going to explore your favorite cuisine. No, Applebee's is not one of the options. "What about P.F. Chang's?" Oh my God. Just pick from what is there asshole.

Buckbean Brewing - Orange Blossom

Previously I purchased and consumed a Buckbean Brewing Black Lager which was pretty damn good for the price ($2 for a tall boy) so when the Orange Blossom was on sale for $1.50, I took the bait. I usually can't stand fruit in beer but I remembered that I love Caldera's Dry Hop Orange so I figured I would give it a shot. Buckbean Brewing's Orange Blossom tastes like a fucking malt liquor Orange Crush. This is the shit scumbags buy to get high school girls drunk. This beer has zero redeeming qualities. If I were lost in a desert for a week and then I came across a six-pack of these on ice I would remove them from the bucket and eat the ice. To be fair, I was able to drink the whole thing and it went down really easy but it felt like I was consuming a soft drink, not a beer. Better luck next time, Buckbean. This beer sucks my anus. 1 out of 5. Don't drink it.

Mikkeller - Simcoe Single Hop IPA

Let me start by saying the Mikkeller Simcoe IPA is amazing. Excellent in every way, shape, and form. It is a perfect example of a fantastic Northwest IPA. "Wait. What? Mikkeller does not sound like a Northwest brewery! It sounds like some foreign shit." You are actually correct. Shocking. This beer is brewed in Belgium with an American hop varietal, simcoe. "So basically some dudes in Belgium imported hops from the Northwest, brewed the beer in Belgium as an American style IPA, and then shipped it all the way back to the Northwest to be consumed? That gives farm-to-plate a whole new meaning." No shit, huh? While this beer is totally the bomb, it is $5 for a 11.2oz bottle. If it did not have to go through all that transport, the price would obviously be lower and therefore a total winner. Taste gets a 5 out of 5 but the price gets a 3 out of 5. But, I do have to say, you should definitely try it once. Drink it.

Dungeness Crab Melts

This weekend I took a trip to ABC Seafood on Powell (forthcoming post) and picked up some live dungeness crab. I boiled them and we feasted on the legs immediately but I cleaned out the bodies, extracted the meat, and put it in the fridge for the following evening. I am a huge fan of crab melts so that is what I decided to do with the remaining meat. The leg and claw meat is far superior to the body meat so you always want to eat the former straight up with some clarified butter but you can get creative with the latter. Let's begin:
Get some white english muffins (not that whole wheat bullshit) and thrown down your crab. Drizzle melted butter over them and add a very small amount of fresh lemon juice if desired. If you use too much lemon you will fuck it all up so don't be a douche and only use a few drops per melt. Then lightly sprinkle on one spice of your choice (e.g. Old Bay, cayenne, paprika, etc.) and add some thinly sliced green onion. Top with thin slices of gruyere or if you are super ghetto you can use swiss.
Throw them under the broiler with the door open and the light on and keep a close eye on them. It should take about five minutes for them to get nice and melty. My woman said these would be better if the crab was mixed with cream cheese and topped with cheddar but what the hell does she know? Eat it.

Interview at PDX.fm

Hey, losers. This chick Devlyn has a food show on PDX.fm and she made the mistake of asking me to come in and chat with her. If you want to hear all the retarded shit that comes out of my mouth when I have not prepared for the show, am already two beers down, and on a headfull of prescribed opiates, tune in today at 4pm PST. All you have to do is go to PDX.fm and click the listen button for Savor Portland. You can also go to the Savor Portland website. If you happen to miss the show it will be available for download via iTunes within a day or two. Enjoy.

Mahi Mahi Tacos with a Pineapple, Mango, Kiwi Salsa and Fried Plantains

Okay people, this will be the last fish taco post for a while. I promise. By now you should have no problem whipping up some amazing fish tacos to impress all your loser friends. I have given you all the requisite ideas but it is up to you to successfully execute the dish. If you can't do it after all my experimentation, there is something really fucking wrong with you. Let's begin:
Make your salsa. Mix together some pineapple, mango, kiwi, jalapeno, cilantro, lime juice, and salt. My mango was totally not ripe enough so I diced it into small pieces and it worked out perfectly. If it were ripe I would have cut it into much larger chunks. Toss the mixture in the fridge and let it work its magic.
This is not a banana, stupid. It is a plantain. You want them to look like this, or even blacker, before you try and cook them. Slice them at an angle in about 1/2in cuts. Fry them up in the reserved oil from your tortillas for about 1-2 min per side.
Again, I just broiled my fillets for 5 min per side and then flaked them into the tacos. Garnish with your plantains. So are we all set on fish tacos now? Good. Eat it.

Xochimilco Mexican Restaurant - Yakima, WA

My woman absconded with our daughter this weekend and visited an old high school friend who had just recently given birth to her first child. The friend is some big deal lawyer in Yakima, WA but they grew up together in the loser city of Boise, ID. In any case they patronized this Mexican place in Yakima and my woman took these pictures for me because this establishment looks right up my alley. Let's check it out:
Pretty normal signage going on here. Nothing spectacular. I did google "Xochimilco" and it is a real word that refers to a section of town in Mexico City. So far we are doing pretty well.
Here is my lady's friend's husband. From what I hear he is pretty Mexican and has an accent so I would totally trust this guy's choice of restaurant. As you can see, we have the obligatory Dos Equis with a little lime action. I don't know what is in his hand but that looks pretty phallic to me, almost like that Shake Weight (watch the video, seriously). Can you tell what that is on his plate?
It's a fucking whole fish! I am going to go ahead and guess that this fine specimen here is a red snapper. That is the fish I most commonly come across in Mexican places. All euphemisms aside, I would totally put my mouth all over that red snapper.
Here is the aftermath. I give him a B- but only because it is not picked to the bone. I would have sucked that red snapper dry. All in all, I will have to accompany my lady next time so I can check this place out. Or just find a full service Mexican place in Portland that doesn't suck. Patronize it.

Mahi Mahi Tacos with a Blood Orange Salsa

Remember the last time I tried to incorporate blood oranges into tacos? Well I ended up with an awesome marinade for future chicken projects but it did not work out too well for the shrimp. In that post I mentioned that blood oranges would be much better served as a salsa. So I did exactly that. Let's begin:
Start by peeling your blood orange and pulling it apart into slices. Take the slices and quarter them. Throw into a large bowl. Since we now have the base out of the way, it will be much easier to eyeball everything else. Don't start with a pinch of salt and move your way up like a dumbass. Always start from the top down.
Mix in some diced jalapeno, red onion, cilantro, lime juice (not too much), EVOO, and a pinch of salt. Make this an hour or two ahead of time and let it sit in the fridge so the flavors can mingle. Keep a close eye on your blood orange mixture. It has a tendency to try and skip town in a white Bronco when wanted.
I had some small Mahi Mahi fillets so I broiled them for five minutes per side and flaked them into the corn tortillas that I fried in oil. Top with the blood orange salsa and you have a fucking crazy good fish taco. Eat it.

Green Flash Brewing - Imperial IPA

I drank this Green Flash Brewing Imperial IPA and wrote some shit a few days ago for my buddy, DailyBeerReview, but I totally forgot to post it here. This beer review is the basically the best one I have ever done and since it is so epic you should totally check it out. I mean, what else do you have to talk about with your loser imaginary friends? That's right. Even your imaginary friends are fucking losers. Head over to DailyBeerReview and check this shit out, Loser.

Maui Brewing Company - Big Swell IPA

So I have photographic evidence of this awesome shit I made the other night but my woman left town with my baby and my camera and will not be home until this evening. Therefore, this awesome meal will have to wait. Until then, here is a beer review to satisfy you. Let's begin:

This beer cost me $10 for a six pack, of cans. Needless to say I went into it with high expectations. If I were on vacation in Maui and I found this beer, or God forbid the brewery itself, I would be in Heaven. Paying $10 for a six-pack in Portland, Oregon? Fuck you. I know shipping costs are expensive but you are wasting your time. While it is a very good beer in its own right, it does not come close to challenging the IPAs of the PacNW or even the lesser San Diego. I am happy with my Big Swell, but not for $10. You need to figure something out, Maui Brewing Co., because you will not be successful in Oregon unless you price to the market. Oh, by the way, Caldera blows you out of the fucking water. 3 out of 5. Don't drink it in Oregon.

Tarragon, White Wine, and Dijon Lamb Chops

So I have been a major proponent of lamb for a long time but today I have trumped everything I have done in the past. I have created the perfect accompaniment to lamb. It is super easy so even you can make it without fucking it up. Let's begin:
First, whisk up some white wine (~1/2c), chopped tarragon, and Dijon. Be very liberal on the tarragon and light on the Dijon. This will be the base of your reduction sauce.
While you are at it, pour yourself a glass! I know red wine is typically served with lamb but the white wine was perfect.
Rub your lamb down with salt and pepper and sear it over medium-high heat for three minutes per side. Remove it from the cast iron skillet and add your white wine mixture. You may have to add more wine. Immediately add 2tbl butter. When it has melted return the meat to the pan and coat it. Remove from pan and pour reduction sauce over the steak. These steps are performed in rapid succession.
Seriously. This was the best lamb accompaniment I have ever had. It would also pair very well with buffalo. Eat it.

Blood Orange and Cilantro Shrimp Tacos

I love blood oranges. Not just for the name but also for its unique taste. The only problem with these fuckers is that they will stain the shit out of just about anything to you have to be careful when handling them. I wanted to use them as a base flavor and figured shrimp tacos would be just the thing. Let's begin:

In case you have not been exposed to blood oranges, and you have not, this is what they look like. They stock them on a regular basis at my local hippie store so if they are easy to find in Portland you should be able to find them just about anywhere. I was looking around to see what other people have done with blood oranges for marinades and there really is not much out there. Everything I came across, however, says use 1 1/2c of blood orange juice. What the fuck is up with that? Oh yeah, let me break out my jug of blood orange juice or juice the shit out of like 10 blood oranges. Total bullshit. Just include the pulp in your marinade and you will only need to use two of them.
In a large ziploc bag throw in two properly smashed blood oranges (with all the pulp but no rind), the juice from one lime, a large hand full of lightly diced cilantro, a few splashes of regular olive oil, and a sprinkle of sea salt. Let that shit sit in the fridge for no more than one hour or else the shrimp will start to cook.
Cook your shrimp over medium heat for about 45 sec per side. Fry some corn tortillas in vegetable oil, thrown on your shrimp, and top with sour cream, cilantro, and cabbage. Looking back on this I would have done things differently. I would have just coated the shrimp with new mexico chili powder and cumin and fried them up. Then I would have made a salsa with the blood orange. This would bring the blood orange to the forefront rather than being an after thought. This marinade, however, would be the fucking bomb with some chicken. If you use it for chicken be sure to let it marinate overnight.
Time for my tacos. I did the same thing but sliced up a nice steak to make them all surf and turf style. Doesn't that look better? Eat it.

I Will Post New Recipes Soon I Swear!

Okay so the local Portland weekly is holding a contest for tickets to "Walking with Dinosaurs" and I have one of the finalist haikus. Go fucking here right the fuck now and vote for my haiku (the one that talks about shitty pants and having a daughter) so I can win these fucking tickets! I am in second place and we need to blow number one out of the water so I can take my daughter, snap some awesome pictures, and brag about it to all you losers. VOTE now! I WANT these tickets. Don't be a bitch and throw a brother a bone. You know you want to. Vote or Die!

How to Use Your Range

This has really been pissing me off recently so I want to set all you idiots straight. I am always surprised at how few people actually know how to use their range properly. Many people have that shit turned up too high on a regular basis and it shows in their disgusting food. I only use the "high" setting on my range for one thing: boiling plain water. If you are bringing a soup or some shit to a boil, do it over "medium" heat. It will take longer but it will be worth it. I only use "medium-high" to sear steaks or blacken catfish. I use medium for just about everything else and you should too. If I want to simmer something, I bring it to a mild boil over "medium" heat and then reduce it to "medium-low." This way, you never run the risk of over-cooking anything. Learn it, stupids.

The Cutting Room Floor

So I try to post just about everything I make up here since you assholes are so fucking demanding but sometimes I make a shitty sandwich and I never get around to posting it. I was looking through my pictures this morning in self-admiration when I realized I had three sandwiches I never posted, and with good reason. Let's begin:
You may or may not know that a week or two ago I fucked up my back real bad. When I was first prescribed my painkillers I took a shitload because I needed them for like three days prior to this night and I wanted to feel numb after enduring such pain for multiple days. I don't have a single recollection of making this tuna melt. When I woke up there were empty tuna cans in the sink, tuna mixture in the fridge, pictures of a tuna sandwich, but I don't remember a damn thing about it. Apparently I chopped some red onion and pickles and mixed that with the tuna and mayo. Then I allegedly made a tuna melt out of it. I am sure it was the best fucking tuna melt ever made in the history of the planet.
This sandwich was supposed to be a bacon and cheddar omelette but I fucked it up beyond belief so I just cut it in half, threw it on some toasted bread with mayo on it, and topped it with some fresh tomato. If it ended up being a pretty omelette, I totally would have posted this shit. I was going to use this opportunity to explain the importance of using tomato as a garnish and not as an interior ingredient. Instead, it ended up on the cutting room floor.
This grilled cheese was the fucking bomb. I shaved the meat off my leftover ribs and stuffed it all up in that bitch. This was possibly the best grilled cheese I have ever made. The cheese, however, did not melt fully as I had the heat up too high. Also, bacon would have been necessary in this sandwich in order for me to post it. So there you have it people. Some shitty sandwiches that never made it into the limelight. Eat it.

Poll Results - How Would You Define Yourself?

So it turns out many of you are not the total fucking sissies I thought you were. These polls are shattering my whole negative image of you people. Maybe I should stop. Anyway, at least the 17 sissies that decided to partake in the poll get some recognition. I actually try to stay away from meat at times because I think you people will not receive it well. Now I know differently. Bring on the meat! For this week's poll we are going to explore your employment status. I know these are getting a little personal but what the fuck do you care? They are anonymous, dumbass. Vote or Die!

Another Fucking Pizza

As time has progressed, my mad pizza and quiche skillz have become off the hook. I don't look at anything and I don't think about anything when I put together a pie. I can do that shit in my sleep. So can you. It is not that fucking hard. Just do it, do it again, and before you know it you will be a pro. This is the only pep talk you will ever get from me and it is probably the only one you have ever had in your pathetic life. But seriously, this is easy. Don't be a shithead, and start making your own fucking meals from the bottom up for once in your miserable existence on this planet. Let's begin:
Make the dough. Make some BBQ sauce. Make some bacon. Slice an onion. Dude, this is even becoming mundane to me. Do we really have to go through the motions? Is this really necessary? If you don't know how to make a fucking pizza by now then I have failed. I blame myself. This post was going to be about the dangers of Costco canned chicken and the idiots who get suckered into buying a six pack of it, but now you have fucked it all up. Good job, asshole. Eat fucking canned chicken; what the fuck do I care? Jackass. Eat it.

New York Steak with an Olive Tapenade

So I have not been cooking recently due to a severe back injury. I was cage wrestling a grizzly bear for this new HBO special and after I knocked that fucker to the ground in the first round I pulled something during my celebratory dance. Since then, I have been surviving on Costco tamales, Hot Pockets, and painkillers. "Classy." Don't judge me, bitch! I am in some serious fucking pain! Unfortunately when I take my prescribed pain pills I am way too fucked up to cook but today I went without just so I can entertain you assholes. This shit is basically the bomb and you are a total fucking jackass if you don't make it. Let's begin:
I realize this picture is all sorts of fucked up but I don't give a shit. Cook your steak like I fucking told you to. This NY steak was of very high quality so I seared it for five minutes in a cast iron skillet, flipped it, and immediately put the whole thing (skillet included) in a 350 deg oven for another five minutes. This gave it a wonderful inside red with a seared exterior (i.e. the perfect steak). "I don't have a cast iron skillet. Can I put my regular skillet in the oven?" Are you fucking retarded? Don't ever put a skillet that is not designed for the oven, in the oven. Do I really need to tell you this? Anyway, I made the olive tapenade by sight since it was for only one serving and it went a little something like this: sliced jalapeno stuffed green olives, sliced black olives, diced parsley, the juice from 1/4 a lemon, a little diced red onion, a splash or two of extra virgin olive oil, some minced garlic, and S&P. "I don't know how to do things by sight." Okay shit for brains, just think of it like this: how much would I like to consume? Don't put in 6 cloves of garlic and 1/2c of EVOO. Just fucking make it right. Don't be such a fucking sissy and try eyeballing for once in your pathetic life, loser. Eat it.

Cooking for Assholes Benefit Dinner

You heard correctly people. I am going to host a benefit dinner for p:ear right here in downtown Portland. Each seat at the dinner table requires a donation of $25-$100 to p:ear (don't cheap out, loser). There are 16 seats available and I am confident we can fill them. The date is Saturday, February 27th at 6pm. Food and booze will be provided by yours truly. Tentative menu: baby back ribs, vegetarian chili, potato salad, jalapeno cornbread muffins, and chipotle dip with tortilla chips. This menu is subject to change without notice so don't get your panties in a bunch of one item falls off. If you would like to attend please email Pippa (pippa@pearmentor.org) to reserve your seat(s). Hopefully we will get a fun crowd together, get loaded, and eat some motherfucking ribs. Be there!

Equinox Restaurant and Bar

For weekend breakfast my lady and I usually go to Gravy on Mississippi like everyone else in the fucking world but this weekend we were running a little behind schedule. If you do not get to Gravy before 9:30am you will be waiting for at least an hour. There is a spot next door to Gravy, called Mississippi Station, but do not go here. You will get burned. Instead, play it smart and walk around the corner to Equinox Restaurant and Bar. This place is in the same price range as the aforementioned establishments and much classier. The portions are smaller but still fill you up without a problem. Let's check it out:
This is the view from the sidewalk. They have a huge outdoor seating area (as seen above) which is jam packed during the summer months but in the winter people seem to forget this place exists. While about 40 people wait outside Gravy we walk right in and easily grab a table.
This place is not too big but I love the open feeling. You can see into the kitchen on one side and into the bar on the other. Take note of the hipster doofus with the stupid glasses. Welcome to Portland. In any case, the use of space works really well and it is making me hungry!
This is the smoked salmon hash (with red onion and roasted red pepper) with two poached eggs and hollandaise ($10). Fucking killer. I didn't have three pounds leftover to take home with me, like at Gravy, but I also didn't have to stand in the rain for an hour like a fucking idiot. Patronize it.

Poll Results - How Many Times a Week Do You Cook?

So if you didn't notice, and you probably didn't, I started a dumb poll thingy to gain some insight into the bizarre psychology behind someone who would read this trash. I started off to see if you people actually cook or if my painstaking efforts are all for naught. As it turns out the vast majority of you actually cook on a regular basis! This came as a complete shock to me as I pegged you all as bumbling idiots who can't even successfully execute 'tuna helper.' I am impressed. Good job people. Give yourselves a little pat on the back. No, smaller than that. For this week's poll we are going to explore your dietary patterns so I can accommodate you better in the future. Just kidding, I will only use the results to mock you. Vote or Die!