The World's Best Clam Chowder

Every damn restaurant on the Oregon Coast has a gigantic banner out front that reads "The World's Best Clam Chowder." Well guess what, fuckers? Your clam chowder could not possibly be the "World's Best" because mine is better. Let's begin:
The base of this recipe is pretty close to the Crab and Corn Chowder I made a while ago but varies a little bit so pay attention. Toss 3tbl butter, 7 diced red potatoes, 4 diced ribs of celery, 1 diced onion, and a little salt and pepper in a large pot. Saute until the potatoes are softened. If you are totally retarded and can't tell by the resistance against the wooden spoon, you can taste test the potatoes to make sure they are not crunchy.
Once the potatoes are softened add 5tbl flour (in parts) and continuously stir over medium heat until completely combined (~2 min). Add 1 8oz bottle of clam juice and stir. Then, add 2.5-3c milk, depending on how thick you want it, 1c at a time until it has been fully incorporated. Bring to a simmer over medium heat. Add 2 6.5oz cans of chopped/minced clams with the juice and let that bitch simmer for no more than ten minutes. Be sure to stir regularly lest you get that nasty soup skin on top. That shit is so gross. Serve with freshly ground black pepper and a little Tabasco if you wish. Eat it.

Fontina and Smoked Salmon Farfalle

This was a very quick and easy dinner that even you can make with a very limited chance of fucking it up. The only 'difficult' part of this dish is the proper execution of the roux. If you can't make a roux by now, give up. Let's begin:
Make 1/2-1lb of farfalle depending on how 'saucy' you like your pasta. I like mine simple and light so I used 1lb. "What the hell is farfalle?" Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to dumb it down for you. In layman's terms farfalle is bow-tie pasta but you can use the dinosaur shaped ones if you like. In a small saucepan melt 2tbl butter over medium heat and once it is melted, but before it starts bubbling, add 2tbl flour and whisk constantly for a minute or two until it is completely combined. Remove from heat and whisk in 1c of milk 1/3c at a time to ensure complete integration. Return to heat and bring to a light simmer for about 2 minutes, whisking constantly. Remove from heat and immediately whisk in ~3oz of finely grated fontina (it's a cheese, stupid) until just melted and then add ~4oz of smoked salmon (not cold smoked and not peppered).
Toss the farfalle with the sauce and serve. Eat it.

Willamette Week Write Up of the p:ear Dinner

The Willamette Week did a write up of the dinner and I have some hilarious commentary to add. Read the article and then come back here and read my take on it. Go now!

Now that you read the article here are my points of contention:

1. My name is misspelled. Not that I gave it to anyone but still.

2. "casually impeccable dinner" Okay, I will take that as a compliment.

3. "chili stewed with various locally sourced veggies" The beans were from cans and so were the tomatoes. My red peppers and onions probably came from Mexico. My garlic was from a pre-minced jug.

4. "bayou hot sauce" I have no idea what this is referring to. Chipotle maybe?

5. "the homey fare was, in consideration of the work that P:ear strives to do, a welcome choice. There is nothing less considerate than a benefit held for the homeless that features lobster and Dom Perignon." Yeah, that was totally my main inspiration for the menu...

6. "Many would-be supporters of P:ear might be dubious at the idea of charitable events that are so seemingly pedestrian and low-key..." What the fuck? Pedestrian? That is totally jacked up.

So I make light of it but I do want to thank the Willamette Week for publishing this and hopefully this type of dinner will be a new "pedestrian" fad. Assholes.

Poll Results - What is your Favorite Cuisine?

Unfortunately only 20% of you got the right answer. The correct answer is "American, Bitches!" "Why?" Because everything we eat here is Americanized, stupid! The people who picked Italian are probably thinking of The Olive Garden. The people who picked Asian are probably thinking of Panda Express. And so on and so forth. Don't you feel like a recap retard now? Loser. This weeks poll will explore exactly where in this fine Country you hail from. Vote or Die!

Buffalo Shrimp

This crazy dude keeps bothering the hell out of me to make these stupid buffalo shrimp so here are your damn shrimp, jackass. As far as I was able to tell they are very similar to hot wings, just with shrimp. These turned out to be pretty fucking awesome but they were really hot so be forewarned. Let's begin:
The only shrimp my market had were 10-15ct (i.e. fucking huge) so that is what I am working with here. De-shell them but leave the tail. Slice them down the back and remove the vein as seen above (vein is still intact). This is crucial. Do not think you can skip this step. Rinse thoroughly.
Toss 1c flour, 3tbl Old Bay, 2tsp cornstarch, 1tsp cayenne, 1/2 tsp sea salt, 1/2tsp freshly cracked black pepper in a large Ziploc bag. Zip it up and shake to mix. Add your shrimp and shake to coat. Place the shrimp on a baking sheet and cover with a clean dish towel while your oil heats up.
Get a vinegar based Louisiana hot sauce like the one pictured here, Franks, or Crystal. In a small saucepan combine 2tbl butter with about half a 6oz bottle of hot sauce over low heat. If you wish you can make a tomato based sauce instead.
Put your vegetable oil over medium heat. Shake the shrimp in the Ziploc one more time. Drop in the hot oil and fry for about 3 min. Remember these are giant shrimp so if you have crappy little ones the cooking time will not be as long.
After you pull the first batch out check them to see if you need to raise or lower the heat or cooking time. Mine were perfect. Big fucking surprise.
Let them cool for a minute and then lightly toss or dip the battered shrimp in the hot sauce mixture. There. Fucking happy now? Eat it.

482nd Post Spectacular

Since I have been feeling really uninspired recently, you are fucked and all you get is a series of links to old posts you have not read. You are welcome. Maybe next week I will get up off my ass and cook something out of the ordinary but not today. Today begins the sweet anticipation of a round of golf on this upcoming beautiful weekend so nothing that requires much thought will be made in the next day and a half. But even after the weekend I promise nothing so don't get all up in my shit if I slack off. So without further adieu, I bring you the best of the best. Well, not really. I just picked them out at random so I wouldn't waste a bunch of time on this shit.

Bacorn

Grilled Cedar Plank Steelhead

Heart Attack Chicken

Crab and Bacon Bloody Mary

Deviled Eggs OR How I Learned to Hardboil an Egg

King Crab Cakes

The Best Fucking Roasted Chicken Ever

Crawfish Etouffe

Bacon Wrapped Fried Chicken

Shrimp and Crab Enchiladas II

Bacon Smores

Lobster Rolls

Horseradish Mint Sauce

Empanadas IV - Vegetarian Picadillo

These are very similar (if not exactly the same) to Empanadas I but I feel you need a refresher. These are fairly time consuming to make as the dough is a bitch but it is all worth it in the end. Let's begin:
Dice up a few red potatoes into very small chunks and saute them with some onion and garlic. Once softened add your fake ground beef and cook until heated through. Remove from heat and toss in a shitload of diced green olives (I like the ones with the jalapeno centers) and two tomatoes (seeded and gutted). "All I have are black olives. Can I use those?" Don't be stupid, jackass. Set aside to cool.
Make a savory pie dough (i.e. no sugar, genius) and quarter it. Use the same technique as Empanadas I. Place on a pizza stone on the lowest rack and bake at 425 deg for about 20 min. Eat it.

Blue Cheese and Red Potato Gratin

Okay, so I totally fucked this up. I am going to tell you what I did and then I will give an explanation for how to make it properly. I realized it was all jacked up after I put it in the oven but it still ended up tasting awesome. The cheese sauce was really runny but I will tell you how to fix it. Let's begin:
Toss 1c milk, 4tbl butter, 1 clove of minced garlic, 1tsp smoked paprika, and a little salt (not too much since there will be plenty in the cheese) in a large pot over medium heat until the butter is melted. Remove from heat and add 1/2c sour cream and 1/2c blue cheese. Stir until combined. Pour a little into a casserole dish. Just enough to coat the bottom. Thinly slice about 10 small red potatoes and start layering. Continually coat with sauce. When completed, top with another 1/2c of blue cheese and some torn up french bread. I didn't have french bread so I used my leftover Frenchie Stink Bombs. Bake at 350 deg for 55 min but keep a close eye on it and start checking the potatoes after 40 min. What did I do wrong? I should have made a roux as the base as I did here. Do that with the ingredients listed above and it will have a much better consistency. I can't believe I forgot to do that. Still very tasty though. Eat it.

ABC Seafood

I have heard many excellent things about ABC Seafood (SE 65th and SE Powell) so I had to check it out for myself. They are mostly wholesale but they have a retail front so you can buy what the restaurants buy. This place is like a damn aquarium. Let's check it out:Here is a shot of some squid, yellow fish, and snails (I think). They also had a tank full of live clams and mussels but I neglected to take a picture.
Here are some fresh fish. There are catfish to the left and striped bass to the right. I don't remember what the ones in the middle are. They will totally clean and fillet any fish for you if desired.
Here are some live ling cod that were piled on top of each other in a tank. They are fucking huge and I have no idea what people do with them.
Here is the crappiest of like six crab tanks (the other pictures didn't turn out). These are all loser amputee crabs and since we all know the money is in the claw, you would be a retard if you purchased these. The huge live crabs were only $4.59 a pound which is unheard of around here. That is just super fucking cheap for live dungeness.
Here is the lobster tank. These guys were stupid big and $9.50 a pound. I am not sure but I think that is abalone in there with them.
Here are the two fine specimens I brought home. They were insanely frisky which is a tell tale sign they are going to be very tasty little buggers. Cook them like I did in this post.
They really don't want to get in the boiling water so make sure you have a wooden mallet nearby to beat them into submission.
Here is me being cruel. All in all this place was fucking awesome and you should totally check it out. Patronize it.

The Hop and Vine

I found this little place in my neighborhood and it only took me a year and a half to realize it was there after driving past it a million times. Since my first visit I have been there repeatedly as they have a stupid awesome rotating tap list and their food is out of this world. This place is totally worth the trip from basically anywhere in Portland. Let's check it out:
The outside signage of The Hop and Vine is pretty minimal so it is really easy to drive right by this place without even knowing it. The building in the background is Di Prima Dolci which is a killer Italian bakery. Best fucking cannoli in town.
Here is a view of the interior. Pretty classy joint. You can't see them in the picture but the tap handles look like glass dildos which is odd but enticing. The bottle shop (to the left) is small but very well thought out. Truly, an excellent array of beer and wine. However, the money is in the tap list. They get all sorts of weird shit and they rotate all the time so you can always try new and interesting things. If memory serves me correctly, they have six taps.
Here is a picture of my daughter eating some bread. I had lunch here one day and the food was spectacular in every way, shape, and form. Just awesome. Highlights include the bread, cured meats, and house olives and green beans. The owner is this super chill chick named Yetta and she said she just hired a real chef so expect the food to get even better, hopefully.
My friend and I came here after a killer round of golf this weekend and we sat outside and drank some Upright Brewing Fatali Four. This shit was spicy but delicious. Note that it was served in the proper glassware. I love this place and you will too. Patronize it.

Boulevard Brewing - The Sixth Glass Quadruple Ale

First let me begin by saying I love Boulevard Brewing. I think they do a fantastic job and just about everything I have had from them has been spectacular. Too bad this beer is garbage. Not that Boulevard fucked it up, but I can't stand the style in general. It tastes like fucking fermented apple cider and I hate apple cider since I am under the age of 60. On the label it claims that this beer is for the mature connoisseur and I obviously don't qualify as either one. If you are into this kind of shit you will probably love this beer. Not me. I am going to refrain from rating it since it is my personal taste that hates it. The beer is probably a fine example of this style but I can't tell. I don't know if you should drink it.

Blue Cheese Gougères OR Frenchie Stink Bombs

I have an assload of blue cheese left over from the p:ear benefit dinner so I reached out to twitter for ideas with what to do with it. One person suggested gougères and since I had no fucking clue what they were, I had to try it. Turns out they are just puff balls with cheese in them but they are super fantastic. This only took a small chunk out of my blue cheese arsenal so there will be many more blue cheese dishes to come. Let's begin:
Dump 1c water, 1 stick butter, and a sprinkle of salt in a med-large pot. Don't use too much salt because the cheese itself is already very salty. Put the pot over medium heat and when the butter has completely melted, remove it from heat and stir in 1c flour. Once the flour has been completely incorporated, take the dough out of the pot and put it in a mixing bowl (not metal, stupid). Beat in three eggs, one at a time. Make sure each one has been fully mixed into the dough before adding the next. This is very important. If you do not do this, you will fuck it all up. Finally, mix in 1c of crumbled blue cheese.
Place down medium globs of dough using a soup spoon as measurement. Bake at 375 deg for about 30-35 min. When they are nice and browned, turn off the oven and open the door a crack to let them cool down gradually. "Why?" Don't fucking ask questions. Just do it. These were really easy to make and totally delicious. I will definitely be making them again. Also I guess the traditional cheese to use is gruyère but fuck that. Eat it.

Baby Octopus Tacos

So when I took my trip to ABC Seafood (post still pending), I picked up two pounds of frozen baby octopus. I had no fucking clue what to do with them so I played it safe and made tacos. "Let me get this straight. You buy an Asian ingredient and rather than expand your horizons and make some weird Asian dish you put it in fucking tacos? Figures." Kiss my ass, douche. While I recognize I should have made some Asian shit, I don't have the base for it in my house already so fuck it. In any case, here is a basic recipe for cooking baby octopus and after that you can do whatever the hell you want. Let's begin:
Here is the frozen block of baby octopus. I removed it from the package and submerged it in cold water for a few hours to defrost it. I just like this picture!
If you got ripped off, you need to clean out the heads and remove the beaks. If you got the good shit, it has already been done for you. At first I thought I would cook these like squid but I was totally wrong. Put your shit in a big pot and fill with water so the octopus are barely submerged. A bunch of nasty crap is going to come out of the little buggers and you want them to be cooked down in it. Bring to a boil over medium heat, reduce the heat, cover, and simmer for about 45 minutes.
Drain them in a colander. Once again, I just liked this picture. For the record I totally gave one of these to my daughter.
In a small bowl grind 1/2tsp salt, 1tsp pepper, 3 minced cloves of garlic, 1tbl New Mexico chili powder, and 1tsp cumin. You can use a mortar and pestle but I just used the backside of a ladle. Then slowly whisk in EVOO until you have a nice little sauce/paste.
Toss the octopus with the sauce and put them on some fried corn tortillas. Top with cilantro. So basically these tasted like every other fucking thing I make. They just had a different consistency. Next time I will definitely try to branch out and try something new. Eat it.

p:ear Benefit Dinner

I would like to extend a big thanks to NONE of you assholes! Not a single fucking person who reads this shit came to the dinner. Fuck you. Good thing there are actually human beings on this Earth who are not total fuckjobs and because of them the dinner was overbooked by ten! There were ~27 people in attendance and we raised almost $900 for p:ear! I am pretty sure this was their largest dinner yet. Booyah.
Here is a shot of everyone stuffing their fat faces in the dining area. Many thanks to Wester Daywick, Sunshine Division, KZME, Willamette Week, and Big Ass Sandwiches for all being in attendance. Lisa and Brian from BAS are actually doing their own p:ear dinner on March 27th but they are doing some fancy rustic Italian shit. I already have my reservations for that one! The band Wester Daywick played a little acoustic set for us and it was pretty fucking good. I usually hate music that is not old school R&B or the Grateful Dead but I was very impressed. They also handed out CDs of their electric stuff but I have not listened to it yet as CDs are fucking passe. I think the only thing in my house that will play it is my DVD player.
Many thanks to Upright Brewing for donating a case of "seven" to a great cause. Thanks Upright! Everyone loved your beer but had never heard of you. I was more than happy to spread the good word.
Being the super-genius that I am, I forgot to take any good pictures of the food. Here is a shot of some Jalapeno Cornbread Muffins, Ribs, and BBQ sauce (one chipotle and one regular). I only had one fucking muffin tin which was a total bitch. Also the oven at this place couldn't fit four racks of ribs. Fortunately, there was an empty unit on the first floor and the door was unlocked. Unfortunately, the apartment we were in was on the fourth floor and there is no elevator. I had to truck my fat ass up and down those stairs so many fucking times I thought I was going to die.
Here is a shitty picture of the salad my woman made and the vegetarian chili. I subcontracted out the potato salad to my lady and what does she fucking do? She makes a damn regular salad! What the fuck? This is why if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. Anyway, the salad was great. It was a pear, Gorgonzola, toasted pecan, and balsamic vinaigrette deal. It was probably the fanciest thing there.
At the top of this picture is the Chipotle Dip Shit that I made as an appetizer. The cheesecake, however, was made by Paul Finlay and it was stupid awesome. He said he would email me the recipe and if he does I will totally pass it on to you. All in all, I have never cooked for more than six people in my life so this was a big deal for me. Everything went very smoothly and came together in perfect harmony. Why? Because I fucking scheduled it out in my brain beforehand, dumbass. This was obviously not the fanciest shit in the world but it fed a lot of people, was easy for me to make, and raised a bunch of money for a great cause. Oh yeah, now that you feel super fucking guilty for not attending, you can donate to p:ear to make yourself feel better. Eat it.