Anger Burger

(image used without permission)

So you probably missed it because you were too busy attempting to hide all your cats after your neighbors finally called animal control on you, but I asked my peoples on twitter and facebook what blogs they might have and what else they read on the interwebs. I got a lot of good responses and one was Anger Burger. Even though her layout is really annoying, this chick knows what the fuck she is talking about and does an excellent job of translating it into words. She does a lot of that Asian crap that I don't even attempt so if you desire a recipe for dog meat wontons head over there. Overall I give her an A- but only because no one deserves an A. Read it.

Trailer Park Pasta Salad IV - Pacific Northwest Edition

I had some smoked salmon leftover from a larger pack and I needed something for dinner. I scrounged my fridge and I realized I could make some Trailer Park Pasta Salad. Hell fucking yeah. Let's begin:

First make a 1lb box of your favorite pasta. I use farfalle because it is the best. Next, dice up half a red pepper, half a green pepper, half a yellow pepper and mince half a jalapeno and a few cloves of garlic. You don't have to use the same pepper combination, stupid. This is just what I had. Saute them for about two minutes. You want to barely soften the peppers but the garlic needs to be fragrant. It is a thin line.

Toss some smoked salmon (not cold smoked, genius), haf a diced red onion, 1/2c sour cream, and 1 1/2c pepper jack cheese. Normally I would use more sour cream and less cheese but I didn't want to find out what would happen if I used all my woman's sour cream. Pour the pepper mixture straight from the pan into the salmon bowl. Mix. Add the pasta gradually. You may not want to use the whole box. Toss until combined.
There you have it. A meal fit for a trailer park riverside potluck hosted by a three legged dog named Lucky. Eat it.

Cuban Mojo Skirt Steak - StumptownMag Post

Hey losers. I did another post over at StumptownMag. The mojo was super awesome and I would highly recommend making it. Also in unrelated news, I changed the template. Leave all hate mail below please.

Blackened Shrimp with Watermelon Salsa - StumptownMag Post

Okay guys, the blackened shrimp with watermelon salsa was fucking awesome. You have got to make this dish. Check out the incredibly awesome presentation that you, yes even you, can replicate. Seriously. Read it.

Salmon Cakes

I realized that I have made catfish cakes, crab cakes, and fish cakes, but no salmon cakes. That is some fucked up bullshit. I made my way to the local grocery post haste and procured the elusive canned salmon. Let's begin:

I was amazed at the high quality of said canned salmon. Since I am not a total dumbass I overlooked the Bumblebee Farmed Color Added Atlantic Salmon for the Fred Meyer Wild Alaskan Red Salmon. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn't you just use real salmon?" Have you learned nothing? Why would I garbage up a fresh Chinook fillet and make cakes out of it? That would be seriously fucked up. Anyway, this canned shit was basically a cross section of a fish. I was blown away. I even had to remove the skin and part of the backbone. It was a real fish in a can. Awesome. Mix up the salmon with flat leaf parsley, diced red onion, a beaten egg, Old Bay, salt & pepper, and some breadcrumbs (or oyster crackers). It would also be cool to add little chunks of cream cheese but I didn't have any. Form the into patties and put them in the freezer for about 20 min to firm them up.

Fry those bitches in some fucking butter. Don't sissy out and use that oil shit. Give the pan a little shake every now and then to make sure they slide. Don't forget to flip, stupid.

I ate this like a burger because I live in America. The only thing missing is bacon. Eat it.

Mini Blackberry Cobbler

I made these the other day with blueberries and my woman demanded I make them again because they were so fucking incredible. This time I decided to mix it up and get some blackberries. These are a little more difficult to work with so pay attention. Let's begin:
Pick over every single one of your blackberries. Make sure there are no bugs, plant material, mold, etc. Rinse them off without compromising their structural integrity. The blackberries must remain intact.

Mix them with the same crap as before by tossing them in a large bowl. To not get all up in there with a whisk or some shit like a total dumbass and mush up all your beautiful berries. Make your topping and all that junk. Just read the other post.

Once again it is a fucking masterpiece. Eat it.

Creole Mustard

I rarely use recipes and I try to focus on flavor pairings and intuition (when you are a super genius you have to utilize it) but I saw this creole mustard at New Orleans Cuisine (the same place I got the remoulade) and I had to try it. I have never made mustard before but I still took a few super genius liberties. Let's begin:

Bring 1/2c white vinegar, 1tsp red pepper flakes, and a few cloves of garlic to a boil. Remove from heat and let sit for 30 minutes.

These are mustard seeds. Look for them in your bulk spice section or buy them in the wildly overpriced tins like a sucker. I decided to lightly toast them before I ground them up which ended up being a great idea. Put them in a pan over medium to medium-low heat. Wait until they start popping and immediately pour them out of the pan.

This is what they should look like now. Grind them up as best you can. Strain the vinegar into the ground mustard seed, heat it, remove it and let it sit for 30 minutes.

Mix 2.5tbl powdered mustard, 2tbl prepared horseradish, 2tbl light corn syrup, 1tsp Old Bay, 1tsp cayenne, 1tsp allspice, 1tsp kosher salt, and 1tsp sugar. Pour your mustard vinegar in and whisk it up.

Their recipe calls for you to heat seal this shit and let it sit for 4 weeks before using. Whatever. I let it sit a day in the fridge and it tastes great, despite looking like dog barf. I would highly suggest making this. Eat it.

Mini Blueberry Cobbler - Stumptown Mag Post

Hey stupids. I made some killer mini blueberry cobblers today. Want to make them to? Head over to Stumptown Mag to find out how not to fuck it up. Who am I kidding? Find out how to not fuck it up that bad. Read it.

Jamaican Jerk Turkey Legs with Habanero Pineapple Glaze

I don't even think they have fucking turkeys in Jamaica but after a few spliffs who really gives a shit? Not me. I came up with this jerk spice rub the other day, tested it out on some fish, and it came out really well so I decided to jerk my turkey legs and glaze them with my habanero pineapple hot sauce. Let's begin:

I doubled the jerk spice rub from the other day and added 4tsp sea salt. I patted the turkey legs down and let them sit overnight...in the fridge, stupid.

I didn't slow cook these because I didn't feel like waiting. I just put them on the upper rack of the grill over medium heat for about 45 minutes, basted them with the habanero pineapple hot sauce, and them moved them over direct heat for about 10 minutes per side. Overall I actually liked it on the fish a lot more. I probably will not do this on turkey again because my Freedom Turkey was far superior. But hey, here's to trying something new and realizing you have already perfected it. Eat it.

Jamaican Jerk Tilapia

I made this dish for two reasons: I needed to get rid of the jalapeno hot sauce I made and I wanted to do a test run of my Jamaican Jerk spice rub for a super secret project I have in the works. This ended up being totally fucking awesome so it was a success in many different respects. Let's begin:
Make your Jamaican Jerk spice rub. In a small bowl combine 2tsp allspice, 1tsp Old Bay garlic & herb (or garlic powder), 1tsp thyme, 1tsp nutmeg, 1/2tsp cinnamon, 1/2tsp salt, and 1/2tsp black pepper. There are a few variations here. If you wish you can omit the nutmeg and cinnamon and substitute 1tsp ginger. Also, some people with terrible taste enjoy mace and clove. You can add 1/2tsp of each but I can't stand either.

I soaked two tilapia fillets in the jalapeno hot sauce for about an hour and a half. I would not suggest doing it any longer than this. You can use any crappy flavorless white fish for this but do not use a $25 halibut steak, dumbass.

Coat your fish with the spice rub. Rub is actually a misleading word because if you rub the spices on your fish it will get all jacked up. Pat is a much more appropriate term. Heat up some vegetable oil over medium heat and when it gets all hot and shit plop your fish down for just a few minutes per side. This might look burned to the untrained eye but it is actually perfect.

Total fucking success. My secret project is going to be off the hook, bitches! Eat it.

Vinegar Based Jalapeno Hot Sauce - Part II

If you remember, and you don't, I made a jalapeno hot sauce with garlic, white onion, lime, and cilantro the other day. I made it all chunky, waited a few days to strain it, but the result was not favorable. Let's begin:
I ran it through a fine strainer as seen above to get all the chunks out. I let it sit like this for a while and then pressed down on it with a spoon to make sure all the liquid was out.

This is the post straining product. Looks good, huh? Not so much. The flavor was incredible but it was way too thin and it had a little too much vinegar. I will totally try and make this again but next time I will cut the vinegar in half and maybe add more chunky shit. As for this batch, I am just going to use it as a marinade for some fish so not all is lost. Eat it.

Turkey Legs - Stumptown Mag Post

Over the Freedom Day weekend I made some turkey legs and they were totally badass. I wrote about them over at Stumptown Mag so head over there to check it out. I know you have nothing better to do other than take video of your cat to post on your cat's blog. Read it.

Portland Mercury Recipe

So this dumbass local weekly paper, The Portland Mercury, gave me the honor of making their paper that much more stupid this week. I got a small write up in one of their articles in the food issue. I had to push the paparazzi out of the way just to get to the car this morning! Those flash bulbs are no joke. Later, I was at a bar in the Pearl and these hot ass chicks were all over me just because they read my shit! I can't go anywhere anymore without being recognized, which is pretty sweet because I get all sorts of free crap, but I think I am losing sight of myself amidst the storm. Fuck that, I'm buying a Bentley. Read it.