BLT

Every single time I have ordered a BLT at a restaurant I have been disappointed. No one ever gets it right. Worst case scenario it is a tornado of microwave pre-cooked bacon, flavorless tomatoes, iceberg lettuce, and Miracle Whip on burnt Wonder bread. Best case scenario it still fucking sucks. "Well what makes your BLT so great?" Wait and motherfucking see. Let's begin:

What is this? Oh, just peppered bacon from a local deli, heirloom tomatoes from Sauvie Island, fancy pants lettuce, and real mayo on lightly toasted organic whole wheat bread. Fucking suck it, losers. Eat it.

Peach and Blueberry Mini Cobbler

The other night I was enjoying a pleasant evening of reality television and my woman says, "can't you whip up some cobbler real fast?" Yeah, no problem. I will get right on that. After half an hour of persistent pleading I caved and made some fucking cobbler. I hate knowing how to do shit. Let's begin:

I had peaches and blueberries. Perfect. Use whatever the hell you want. Here is the recipe for any fruit and/or berry mini cobbler. The recipe is pretty much universal but don't be an idiot and try to make avocado cobbler. I know you were thinking it. Total prep time was 20 minutes and I was drunk so if it takes you longer than that you might as well give up hope.

Put that shit in the oven and let it cool completely before you eat it. "How long and at what temperature? I couldn't possibly think for myself." Just read the other post, jackass. Eat it.

Upright Brewing: Nice Space, Not - StumptownMag Post

Upright is one of the best breweries in America. Too bad their set up sucks ass. Check it out over at StumptownMag. Read it.

Peach Bread

Fuck cinnamon and fuck jam. They have no business on my damn peach bread. Baltimore has an amazing peach cake and I stole their idea and made it better. This is a sweet bread, not a cake, and certainly not a fucking upside down cobbler. So take your Bisquick out of the fridge, throw it in the trash, and let's begin:

In a large bowl use an electric mixer (since I don't have a damn KitchenAid) to fuck up 1/4c softened butter, 1/4c sugar, and 1/2tsp salt. Combine until you can't see anymore sugar granules and it looks like that shit in the picture. Mix in 1c of whole milk. There will be small chunks. Whatever. Now mix in a beaten egg and your activated yeast. "Activated yeast? What the fuck is that?"


Whoops. Take a packet of rapid rise and pour 1/4c hot water over it. Let it sit for 15 min.
Now that you added the yeast and egg, blend in 2c of flour 1c at a time. Set the mixer aside and use your fucking hands. Mix in another cup of flour. And another half cup. Pound that shit out for at least five minutes (so about four and a half minutes longer than you usually last), form it into a ball, grease that shit up with some vegetable oil, cover it with a clean towel, and let it sit for an hour.

While your bread is rising, you might as well cut your peaches. Make them look pretty. Since they have pits, slice them like I did here and spin it. Take hold of each side and twist.

See how easy that was? Now it will not look like a fucking crime scene when you try to cut one up. Remove the pit and scrape out any hard shit. Cut each half into 1/8ths, if that makes any sense.

Slice up four peaches and measure out 1/3c sugar. Pour the sugar over the peaches while gently tossing them. "That's what she said!" Easy setup.

Pound out your dough to get it to look like this. It took quite some time and I actually tossed it like my pizza dough. It had a wonderful consistency (as well as taste) and I think in the future I will omit the sugar and make this my new pizza crust.

Layer on your peaches and pour the extra juice over. I let this sit for another hour so the juices could soak and the dough could rise. Do you notice anything wrong with this picture? Yeah, I can't cook this shit on a wooden cutting board.

Fuck.

Okay, now we are back in business. Note to future self: don't be such a fucking idiot. I would have used a pizza stone but mine is MIA so I just used a baking sheet. Bake at 375 deg for 30 min but start checking it at the 20 min mark to see if you need to cover it.

Why don't people serve this everywhere? Eat it.

Kaala Masala Ahi

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck that means either. I got some sweet ass ahi at the store the other day and I decided to blacken it. Turns out every fucking idiot in this country uses the same blackened spice mixture for ahi as they do for catfish. Get a clue shit for brains! I found this Indian spice mixture called kaala masala, took a very loose interpretation of it, and made the best blackened ahi ever. Let's begin:

Look at these beautiful specimens. The one in the back still needs to be trimmed but I just wanted to show you the color of affluence, peasant.

In a small bowl, mix 1tsp sesame seeds, 1tsp tumeric, 1tsp brown sugar, 1/2tsp coriander, 1/2tsp ginger, 1/2tsp cumin, 1/4tsp cayenne, 1/4tsp black pepper, and 1/8tsp cinnamon. The "authentic" shit has cardamom and cloves but I didn't have the former and I hate the latter. Pat down the top and bottom of your ahi but keep the sides clean.

Sear that shit in a hot ass pan (lightly oiled) for about a minute per side. Medium to medium-high heat is optimal. Ahi is a fish that should be consumed raw but if you have to cook it, do it this way. You would be stupid not to. Oh, wait. Eat it.

Crabacon

It is pronounced "crab-a-con" not "cra-bacon," stupid. I was out for my morning cup of black coffee with two shots of espresso and I decided to walk through the nearby supermarket and see if they had anything interesting. Luckily, they had an incredible sale on both king crab and peppered bacon. Thus the Crabacon was born. Let's begin:

Crab and bacon are excellent partners in crime. Eating crab without bacon is like fucking a hooker without sticking your dick in her ass.

I wanted the crab and the bacon to be the stars of the show so I only used a small amount of mayo and breadcrumbs but you are free to your own interpretation (here is my regular crab cake recipe just in case you give a shit). Gently mix it up with your hands. Once all the breadcrumbs are wet, form into patties. I fried mine in bacon grease and while they tasted great they did not hold that well. Fry them in butter.

There you have it. It's a damn masterpiece. Eat it.

Funny Google Searches III

We all remember editions one and two of Funny Google Searches and it is about damn time for another. These are actual phrases people typed into google that brought them to my dumb blog. If one of them is your fucked up search, speak up so we can all berate you. Let's begin:

cookibg for assholes - dumbass

deep assholes - five people found me by googling this

star anis looks like butthole - now that I think about it, you're right

vegans are assholes - yes they are

asshole killer - this can mean so many different things

baby shit casserole - that's fucking sick

cooking for assholes is wonderful - yes it is

creole fucking - that's a disgusting fetish

i hate sweet potato - me too

two guys fuck a watermelon - this dude stuck around for seven minutes

asian fuck an octopussy - I don't even know what that means

ass fucking poofters - I think he was talking about Frenchies

bad boy fuc dry made house - okay

cat crap casserole - that's almost worse than the baby shit

cookinf asshole - dumbass

cooking for asshles - dumbass

cooking for asswholes - okay that's enough

craped assholes bangers - I don't think they are talking about the sausage, or are they?

does yakima suck? - yes

fat lady fucked by tin man - people are into some weird shit, man

fuck and jerk in my mouth - that's what she said!

grilled human brain delicious - only fresh, the frozen stuff sucks

guys fucking watermelon - again?

guys fucking watermelon pictures - seriously?

i fucked my friends mom when she was cooking in kitchen - high five!

im a retard and i want to make clam chowder - got that right

is old bay same as creole - this person should be imprisoned

lifes pretty easy when you dont give a shit - hell yeah motherfucker

my asshole is very hot - I would see a doctor about that

oldbigvagina - took me a minute to figure that one out

turkey cheedar dog turd - again with the shit?

watermelone fucking - okay, this can't be for real

what the fuck is saffron aioli - the biz diggy

would you like a little bacon in that martini - fuck yeah

I hope you have enjoyed this edition of Funny Google Searches. I sure did. Google it.

Cilantro Arvena

I was going to make a remoulade or chimichurri since you stupid hipsters love fancy names and ethnic cultured shit, but I wanted to substitute cilantro for parsley because parsley sucks ass. I realized I would have to change basically everything to accomplish what I wanted so this is neither a remoulade nor a chimichurri. It is better than that crap and it is from an obscure country you have never heard of. Get out your food processor and toss in 3/4 bunch of cilantro (or the whole fucking thing), the juice from two limes, 2 minced cloves of garlic, 1/2-1 diced jalapeno, 1tsp cumin, 1/4-1/2 diced red onion (I can't remember but whatever), a splash of white vinegar, and some salt. Turn it up. Scrape regularly (with the blade off). When your shit is good and fucked up, pour in 1/4c vegetable oil while the blade is running. You can probably use extra virgin olive oil but I didn't have any in the house. "Nice picture. That looks like what came out of my ass when I did that 'flush' last year." For some reason I don't doubt that in the least. Eat it.

PDX.FM Interview II

If you idiots remember, I was interviewed on Savor PDX in February and now I have been invited to another show on PDX.FM, Ham Fisted Radio. The show is live tomorrow (Wednesday, stupid) at 4pm PST on PDX.FM and will be available as a podcast shortly thereafter. If you give a shit about what I have to say about nothing, and you don't, be sure to tune in and waste an hour of your pitiful life, loser.

Edit: You can listen to the interview at anytime here.

Love Letter

I got an email this evening that made my day. There is nothing more gratifying than some random chick on the interwebs telling you she made your shit and it was good. Seriously.

Cooking Asshole,

What the fuck have I been doing fucking around with fucking store bought crusts?! I should kick that little dough boy in the stomach for fooling me!

Your recipe was simple, fast and tasty.
No fucking pie weights or beans...shut it, Martha Stewart! I should kick you, too! You know why!

So here's a crappy picture of my delicious spinach, red onion, cheddar quiche topped with tomatoes.

Thanks again for making it so fucking easy.


Ate it,

Alyson

For anyone interested here is the link to my pie crust.

Portland Baconfest 2010

This weekend pdx.fm organized a 'baconfest' and I knew I had to be there. I grabbed my two cans of food for the Oregon Food Bank and made my way though the gates right after they opened. Let's begin:

I expected some fucking huge ass neighborhood bacon festival but the site was only a block long. That chick is like "Oh my God, there is so much bacon!"

The first booth I came across was skillet bacon jam. They served it on little crostinis with brie and arugula (I think). This crap was fucking awesome. I would totally have purchased one if it was not an exorbitant $13 for 11oz. Instead, I will just figure out how to make it my damn self. Stay tuned.

The next table was Bakon Vodka. I love booze and I love bacon but this shit is totally stupid. They suggested mixing it in a Bloody Mary. Right, so then you can't taste it at all and you might as well use regular vodka. I tasted it straight and it sucked. The only thing this vodka has going for it is the idiocy of the common man. I am sure their business will do just fine.

Here is a picture of some dumbass loser in a wooden pig cut-out.

The East Burn is the bar that was adjacent to the festival site and they sold these "bacon pops" for $1. The sauce was good but it was conservatively applied rendering the pop almost flavorless. But for $1 I can't complain too much.

I was getting disillusioned after all these flops so I grabbed a beer and found this table which made it all worth it. The Cookie Pedalers' cookies were fucking badass and they were exactly what I was looking for. Nothing else at the festival was as experimental, which is not saying too much, and they were really good. I like regular bacon and all but where are the risk takers doing crazy shit? That's what I want. Plus these chicks deliver cookies. Can't beat that.

Here is a close up of the two cookies I got for $1. If I recall correctly they were maple, bacon, and caramel, on shortbread. Too fucking good.

This booth was pretty funny so I figured I would take a picture of it but really? This is just fucking weird. I had to check out their website and they have some funny pictures of their bacon creations all across the country which is pretty cool.

Those masks creeped me the fuck out.

Here is the live music setup. I only saw this band but they didn't totally suck. There were also events throughout the day like the bacon eating contest, bacon toss, and bacon dance off. I made my rounds and left disappointed that they didn't have wilder shit. I enjoyed myself immensely but I wanted to see some crazy ass bacon concoctions and, other than the Cookie Pedalers, that aspect was painfully absent. Maybe next year I will have to get my own booth and show these people how it's done. Eat it.

East

Last weekend we traveled west from Portland which landed us on the coast. Today we go east to Hood River for the premier wedding of the year. Let's begin:

The drive through the Columbia River Gorge is awe-inspiring and completely breathtaking. When you bust out of the city on I-84, be sure to drop right before Troutdale. Coming up as you descend into the gorge with the commanding Columbia River on your left and intimidating bluffs on your right is a total mind fuck. Then you can plateau and enjoy the rest of the ride. It takes about an hour to get to Hood River but not so you would really notice it. Hood River has a killer downtown area with all sorts of cool shit but that is not where we are headed today.

I took this panorama before the wedding party showed up. Pretty fucking badass, huh? Your wedding was probably in the common area of your crappy apartment complex. Oh wait, my bad. Who the fuck would marry you?

Here is a shot of the beautiful couple. They were both so happy and beaming as if the world had crumbled around them and they were the only two people left in an eternal embrace. Their improvised vows spoke words that could never be put on paper. "I bet you cried, sissy." I did not fucking cry, dickhead.

The reception site was just as incredible as the wedding site. The surrounding woods offered plenty of opportunity to disappear and partake in adult activities. Everyone was bitching about how hot it was even though it was only 92 degrees and shady with a slight breeze. That's why I love this climate. How are your 100+ heatwaves this summer, suckers?

Here are some of my stupid loser friends. Note the AFLAC baseball cap. When I busted his balls about it he said, "but it was the only black hat I had!"

This being a food blog and all, I figured I would snap the food too. The lemon-caper cedar plank salmon was cooked to perfection and the chicken had a blackberry BBQ sauce that I am itching to replicate. The vegetables were local, fresh, and had a wonderful crisp to them. Excellent all the way around. Congratulations Rob and Cherice Melchior! Here's to a lifetime of love and happiness. Enjoy it.

Sweet Validation

This evening I routinely googled myself to make sure no one was ripping off my shit, which has happened on multiple occasions, and I came across a recent interview with the iconic Anthony Bourdain. He was asked which food blogs he reads and his response was "I read Eater, Grub Street in New York, Regina Schrambling's Gastropoda and Cooking for Assholes is wonderful - that's a really great one." I fucking kid you not. Anthony Fucking Bourdain reads my stupid ass blog! This makes the last year and a half of ignoring my family and friends for the sake of food and writing all worth it. Fuck yeah.

Snow Crab and Avocado Salsa Tostadas

I am not a huge fan of avocado but my woman came home with two the other day so I figured I would to make the best of it and work with them. The first thing that popped into my mind was crab. God I love crab. Hopefully you don't live in some shitty state where you have to pay up the ass for it. Let's begin:
Snow crab is a far inferior product to king or dungeness, so I don't feel bad about mixing it up with a bunch of other shit. I would not suggest making this with king or dungeness as those delicacies should be as clean as possible. Snow crab is relatively inexpensive as well. This cluster was under five dollars. If you are forced to get the canned crap make sure it has to be refrigerated even before it is open. The ones in the clear plastic tubs that say 'claw meat' are best but they are pricey. Crack that shit open and pull out all the meat.

In a large bowl gently toss some diced tomato (gutted), red onion, jalapeno, cilantro, avocado, juice from half a lime, and a little salt. Be very careful not to mush up the avocado.

Put that shit on a tostada and fucking eat it.

Pork Butt Hash

I was at a buddy's house this weekend for a BBQ and he made a killer pork butt. His lady was kind enough to give me a doggie bag while he was not looking and after making sandwiches with it for lunch I decided to get creative for dinner. The one thing that jumped out at me was hash. "You can make hash out of pork? Man, I bet that would be a killer high!" No, you fucking hippie ass junkie. Hash is a breakfast dish that rocks the house and it is so simple a brain damaged donkey with one eye could pull it off. So basically you have about a 50/50 shot at it. Let's begin:
Here is a picture I took of that bad boy on the grill. Those hot links were not bad either especially with the spicy mustard they made. Earlier in the day I ate three hot dogs so the extra sausage was the icing on the cake.

Dice up three medium russet potatoes, 1/2 a yellow onion, and a few cloves of garlic. Red or Yukon potatoes would be preferred but all I had were crappy russets. The pork had a great flavor on its own but a little Old Bay and paprika never hurt anyone. Saute that shit up for a long ass time while stirring constantly.

In the meantime dice up your pork. Don't feel bad for snacking while your potatoes are softening. At the very end add your pork and stir that bitch up. The pork is already cooked so all you are trying to do it warm it up. Smoosh it up a little too so you get that hash consistency.

Plop your hash down and top with two poached eggs. Is there anything better than breakfast for dinner? I don't think so. Eat it.

Lazy Shrimp Pasta - StumptownMag Post

I made this crap for a lazy Sunday dinner and it ended up being pretty badass. Check out the post at StumptownMag since you have nothing better to do. "Sorry, I am too busy taking pictures of my cat in a wedding dress." Somehow that does not surprise me in the least. Read it.

West

Hey losers. I have not made anything in a few days so I figured I would satisfy your intense need to hear from me by telling you about my awesome trip to the coast today. "I don't give a shit about your stupid trip!" Too fucking bad. You are going to read it and you are going to like it. Let's begin:
We loaded up with McDoubles and took off down the road at the crack of noon. The drive out there is pretty damn nice. First you have to pass all the stupid crappy farms that stink but a short while later you hit the coastal range mountains. They are not particularly dramatic but provide good scenery nonetheless. Once you hit the mountains you have to crack a road beer and fire up a doobie. It's the law in Oregon. Cooterville City Hall is situated in the middle of nowhere in the woods. No, I did not stop.

Here is a view from the top of the coastal range. This has to be one of the crappiest viewpoints in the whole state. I was pissed off I stopped the car for this.

The coastal mountains lead right up to the shore. From the jagged bluffs along the Oregon coast one would think Japan broke off yesterday. This is Indian Beach in Ecola State Park and it is one of the closest to Portland but it doesn't suck ass like Seaside. My other favorite beaches are Oswald, Beverly, and Sand Lake (it's not actually a lake). The best thing about Oregon state parks? You can start fires and booze it up (but no kegs). If you did that shit on the east coast after two minutes there would be five military helicopters carpet bombing your ass.

Of course it is raining on the coast in fucking August. In this state park there are many trails but there is a badass loop on the north side which starts by ascending the bluff seen in this picture. Hiking up there is pretty awesome but if you don't leash your dog it will slip, fall, and die 200 feet down. Seriously, there are signs.

This is just a cool artsy-fartsy picture my lady took by accident.

I found this on Indian Beach. It looks like an arrowhead to me but it is probably just some stupid rock. Just to be sure I put it in my pocket and took it home so a dumbass museum wouldn't take it.

Yup, this is the best picture we got on the carousel in Seaside. This town sucks but we decided to check it out for all the boring kid shit. We went to what looked like the best seafood place in town for dinner but it was terrible. What the fuck is up with the lack of quality restaurants on the Oregon Coast? The only places worth a shit are the live seafood joints (the best one is just north of Garibaldi) but then you got to take it home and cook it. I have only been to one nice restaurant on the Coast: The Bay House. That place is the bomb. Everything else is garbage. If you know of any good places, please tell me. I am dying to know. Visit it.