Vinegar Based Coleslaw

Fuck that creamy mayo bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I love mayo but I hate it in coleslaw. I like fresh crispy coleslaw, not some mushy ass garbage. This recipe is the real fucking deal and it is designed for pulled pork sandwiches but it will basically work with anything. Let's begin:

Combine 1c white vinegar, 1/4c white sugar, 1tsp celery seed (not celery salt, jackass), and 1tsp mustard seed in a small saucepan. Bring it to a slight boil over medium heat, remove, and let cool.

Since you have no fucking clue how to cut cabbage, I will show you. Remove the outer leaves, slice the head in half down the stem, and remove the core as seen above. "I accidentally halved it the wrong way. What should I do?" Give up now, that's what the fuck you should do. For this recipe we will only need half a head so save the other half for whatever you want. Not THAT you pervert!

Place the cored cabbage half on the cutting board flat side down and start slicing thin strips as seen above. Is this really so fucking hard that you needed me to show you? "Yes." That's what I thought.

Julienne a large carrot and half a red onion. "Julienne? I don't even know a chick named Julienne. What should I do?" Oh my God you are so fucking stupid. Just slice them into thin strips, dummy. Pour your cooled vinegar mixture all over that shit, add some salt and pepper, and mix it up with your hands. Throw it in the fridge and let the flavors mix for a few hours.

Here is the perfect application of this vinegar coleslaw. Eat it.

Toasted Pumpkin Seeds

Every moron in this country carves a stupid ass pumpkin for Halloween and just about every one of you idiots discards the seeds. Are you that fucking dumb? Pick out the seeds, wash them, toast them, and eat the shit out of them. They are a fantastic snack for a rainy autumn day. Let's begin:

Separate the seeds from the pumpkin gunk. "Eww. Gross! I don't want to touch that stuff!" Suck it the fuck up you big baby. Get in there and grab it by the handful like you have a pair. Rinse the seeds thoroughly and make sure all the gunk is gone. A typical pumpkin will yield about a cup of seeds. That's how many I got so that is how this recipe is proportioned.

Toss the seeds with 1tbl melted butter, 1tsp Old Bay, and 1/2tsp sea salt.

Spread the seeds out on a baking sheet and throw them in a 350 degree oven for 20 minutes. Turn them over with a spatula every seven minutes. When you remove them from the oven, immediately transfer them to a plate or any other room temperature surface. I carved a midget riding a rainbow shitting unicorn on a pirate ship into my pumpkin. You are so unimaginative you probably just cut a giant circle out of yours. Either that or your inner nerd took over and you turned your pumpkin into the Death Star. Loser. Eat it.

Bacon Wrapped Peanut Butter Bananas

Since you big babies got your panties in a bunch over yesterday's reader submission, I figured I would put my awe inspiring creative talents to work and make some crazy shit so you idiots would shut the fuck up. You people are so predictable I knew all I had to do was incorporate bacon into a dessert and those panties would loosen right up. Just try and prove me wrong. Let's begin:

Take some bananas and split them lengthwise. That means slice them in half from top to bottom, stupid. Spread out a thin layer of peanut butter on one half of the banana. This is actually pretty difficult since both surfaces are slick as shit. Don't be afraid to use your hands and be sure not to make the layer of peanut butter too thick.

Put the banana halves back together and wrap them in bacon. Do not squeeze the banana when you are wrapping it. If you do, all the peanut butter will squirt out and you will have to start over again. Also don't use peppered bacon like a total dumbass. The best bacon to use is the shitty thin cut because it wraps well and cooks fast. I used two strips per banana. Seams go on the bottom.

Bake them in a 400 deg oven for 23 minutes but start checking them around 15 min. Pull them out once the bacon is fully cooked. Slice the bananas up and serve on ice cream. Or you can be an immature pervert and plate the bananas as dicks with ice cream balls.

Like this. Take that to your next swinger orgy party, sicko. Eat it.

Reader Submission - Crappy Crab Mushrooms

I got this email about a month ago and totally forgot about it because I have much better things to do than read all the crap you idiots send me but since I have not posted recipes recently I figured I would take the easy road and just post this garbage. I cannot vouch for this recipe since I have not made it myself but it looks pretty damn good and it is so simple even your tiny bird brain can process it. Let's begin:

Crab Stuffed Mushrooms

1 package large Mushrooms (about 12-15)
12 oz. real Crab (don't use that fake crap)
1 Egg
2 tablespoons Garlic, minced
1/4 cup Onion, minced
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, shredded
Mozzarella Cheese

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Remove stems from mushrooms and discard. Remove inside from caps (usually easiest with a spoon and a circular motion).

Mince half of the removed mushroom pieces and mix with crab, egg, garlic, parmesan cheese, and onion. Work in bread crumbs.

Spoon a portion of the mixture into the mushroom caps until just above the edge.

Place 1 tablespoon of melted butter (use stock for healthier option) in each cup in a muffin pan. Add stuffed mushrooms** and bake for 30 minutes.

Remove mushrooms from oven, add mozzarella on top (shredded or sliced) and return to oven on broil until cheese is melted (about 5 minutes).

Serve with your favorite side dishes.

For a nice browning on top, pour melted butter over stuffed mushrooms prior to baking.

Editor's note: I would obviously do quite a few things differently but I will leave that crap up to you morons in the comment section. Also these side dishes suck. These are your favorite side dishes? Really? Remind me never to go to your house for dinner. Gross city.

Charlotte Eats: Fuck The Penguin and Long Live Price's

I spent the last week in the crappy city of Charlotte visiting family members. While I did not grow up there, I did spend many holidays in this sub-par town that has little to nothing to offer unless you enjoy strip malls that are full of national chains. So basically you would love it. I got the opportunity to visit two unique iconic restaurants during my stay: The Penguin and Price's Fried Chicken Coop. The former is an overrated garbage dump and the latter is heaven on earth. Let's check them out:

I was stuck in a hotel in South Park, which totally sucks ass, but I did have my aunt's sweet Acura at my disposal. I asked this chick on twitter where I should go for dinner and she suggested the Plaza-Midwood neighborhood and rattled off a few restaurant names. After doing some internet sleuthing I determined the place to go was The Penguin. That douchbag Guy Fieri plugged this place on his stupid show and I should have known better than to trust the judgement of a grown man with frosted tips. The neighborhood looked pretty run down but the storefronts were promising. Walking around it reminded me of Portland, if Portland blew goats and was located in the brutally humid south. It was a hipster's paradise and it made me wonder if all these fucking idiots came from the midwest like in Portland. I walked past an empty African restaurant and the owner who was sitting outside suggested my daughter ride the lion. Afterwards he guilt tripped me for going to The Penguin instead of his establishment especially after he let my daughter ride the lion. At the time I wrote him off but now realize I should have spent my hard earned government money at his restaurant instead.

I waited for an hour to get into The Penguin on a Tuesday night, which I hear is typical, and I was incredibly excited to chow down on some serious grub in this small, dirty, crappy diner. It's the kind of place where the best food in the world can be found but unfortunately that was not the case here. I ordered a yuengling and the barbeque (pulled pork) plate since this dish is the cornerstone of North Carolina cuisine. I have never been so disappointed in my life. The pulled pork was completely disgusting and totally bland. It looked like it came out of an elementary school cafeteria. The hushpuppies were black and inedible. The fried pickles were sloppy and flavorless. This meal was a sick joke. The baked beans were not terrible but they were not anything special either. The vinegar mop was standard but I would be impressed if they were able to fuck that up. So why is this place so popular?

People are fucking stupid and maintain a mob mentality. Everyone gets on their knees to suck The Penguin's dick and it is a cardinal sin to bad mouth it. Just like with Pabst Blue Ribbon you fake hipster morons choose image over quality. Fuck that. You people need to pull your heads out of your asses and stop your mutual masturbation festival. This place sucks and everyone knows it. Time to stand up and say it. Do it. Now.

"This place sucks and everyone knows it."

Louder!

"This Place Sucks And Everyone Knows It!"

I can't hear you!

"THIS PLACE SUCKS AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!"

See? How hard was that? Now stop being such a jackass and start celebrating real food that doesn't suck shit, like Price's Fried Chicken Coop.

Price's has been a family tradition ever since I can remember. The first time my Grandfather took me to Price's we rolled up in his Cadillac, loaded up the trunk with fried chicken, and busted out of there bumping Grand Master Flash from the subs in the back. Okay I made that last part up but whatever. I was a little apprehensive about visiting Price's since the last time I patronized this establishment the year was 2003. Not to mention I had just shit out my lower intestine after eating at The Penguin the night before. I carefully weighed the potential risks and rewards and decided to go for it. I am glad I did.

This menu makes me want to move to Charlotte just so I can order off it every day. Seriously, I would be here every fucking damn day. There are no tables in Price's; It is strictly take-out and catering. On the surface everything appeared to be the same as it was when I was eight years old so my heart started beating faster than a hummingbird on viagra. I got the half chicken meal and two barbeque (pulled pork) sandwiches. Don't judge me.

I took one bite and all the painful memories of The Penguin faded away. I crammed this pork in my mouth faster than Kim Kardashian at a football game except I didn't put both in my mouth at the same time. The texture of the pork was mildly mushy but it was overshadowed by the superb flavor.

Here is the fried chicken to end all fried chicken. Price's is the best I have ever had in my entire life and I eat a lot of fried chicken. Even I cannot make fried chicken this amazing. Words do no justice. It is just something everyone has to experience for themselves. If I ever die, I want my funeral to be in Charlotte so Price's can cater the after party and everyone can taste what the food is like in Heaven. Eat it.

Coffee Buffalo Ribs

The other day my local market had a shitload of buffalo ribs for super cheap and while I was skeptical because I dislike beef ribs, I decided to go for it. I could have just prepared them the way I make all my ribs but I wanted to do something different. When I think of buffalo I think of the wild west, which makes me think of cowboys (go Redskins!), which makes me think of morning campfires, which makes me think of coffee. Coffee it is. Just a little peek into the thought process of a super genius. Let's begin:

This picture was taken post soak and you can see how the coffee affected the color of the meat. I whisked together 3c coffee (let it cool to room temperature, dumbass), 2c water, 1/4c brown sugar, 1/4c honey, 1/4c pancake syrup, and 2tbl sea salt. I made sure the ribs were completely submerged and I let them sit in the fridge for 24 hours. The flavor was pretty intense so I would suggest about 8-12 hours. You can trim the fat if you want but since I am not a total fucking idiot I didn't touch it. The weather was nasty outside so I was forced to cook these in my oven. Let it preheat to 200 deg and toss in your ribs.

While your ribs are in the oven, start making your BBQ sauce. I used my regular recipe but instead of stock I used coffee. It turned out super fantastic and I would highly recommend it.

My rack of ribs was only 1.25lbs so after an hour I dropped the temp to 175 deg and after another 45 min I started basting it with the coffee BBQ sauce. I like my sauce cooked on and not applied at the end. Let it go for another 20-30 min and then pull it. Let it cool for ten minutes before slicing. To slice them, hold the ribs vertically (cut bone up) and slice down between the bones.

Unlike pork, buffalo is best medium-rare to rare. Red meat should be consumed red, not fucking brown. Eat it.

Fuck Indian Food

Indian food can kiss my fucking ass. This is America and I make American food. Why would I make something that looks like excrement when I can enjoy a juicy hamburger? There is something inherently wrong with a culture that thinks a damn cow is holy. The only holy thing about a cow is that it is holy delicious. Good thing I live in the best country in the history of the world and I can do whatever the hell I want. Lick my balls and suck my cock India. I don't want your nasty food.