Crabacon II: The Return

It's back bitches. You knew it wouldn't be long. Crab and bacon belong together like lines of cocaine and a stripper's tits. For the first Crabacon we made sandwich cakes but today we are going to make some hot dip. Just like your mother used to make when she was in her prime. Ah, memories. Let's begin:

Since Dungeness crab season is upon us once again, grab two of those fuckers and extract the meaty goodness. Start with the legs and move on to the bodies. If your tiny dinosaur brain can't figure it out and you need a tutorial, click here. Two crabs should yield about 2c of meat.

Make five strips of thick cut peppered bacon (not sweet cured, moron). Coarsely chop and set aside. In a large bowl, mix up 8oz softened cream cheese, 1/4c mayo, 4tbl white wine, 4tbl minced yellow onion, 1tbl prepared horseradish, and 1 minced clove of garlic. Gently fold in the crab and bacon.

Press the mixture into ramekins as seen above and don't leave any air pockets. You can use whatever the fuck dish you want. It doesn't really matter as long as you don't spread it out on a 13x9, dumbass.

Bake that shit uncovered at 350 degrees until the top is brown and bubbling, about 23 minutes. Put the ramekins on a baking sheet just in case you get any overflow. Serve with poofter bread or those sissy redcoat crackers.

Bow before the Crabacon. Eat it.

Tortured Baby Cow with a White Wine, Mushroom, and Shallot Deglaze

"How can you eat veal!?! Don't you know what that poor little creature has been through?" Of course I do. That's what makes it so damn delicious. I am a fierce predator who consumes weaker species to ensure my survival. Fuck, I would eat a California condor egg omelette with dolphin steak and beluga whale caviar if I had the chance. At least the baby cow's short painful existence was not in vain. Godspeed little buddy. Let's begin:

Dredge 1/2lb of veal scaloppini strips in flour that has been salt and peppered. Fry them up in some butter over medium heat for about 45 seconds per side. Put them on a plate, cover with tin foil and set aside. Add 2tbl minced shallot (it's a type of onion, stupid) and 8-10 sliced white mushrooms. Once the mushrooms change color, dump in 1/2c of the chardonnay you bought at the gas station and scrape all the delicious little bits off the bottom of the pan. Let it simmer uncovered until it reduces, about 10 minutes.

"That looks incredibly appetizing..." Shut up! It may not look pretty but it is fucking delicious. Let the sauce cool slightly to thicken and then spoon it over your prey. Garnish with freshly grated Parmesan and/or Italian parsley. You can just taste the pain. Eat it.

Hippie Stoner Stuffing

I made this hippie stoner stuffing years ago and since I am not going to make it this year I figured I would share it with you as Thanksgiving, a.k.a. Get as Fucked Up as Possible Day, is right around the corner. Most vegetarian stuffing recipes try to replicate the meaty version but this is moronic. The appropriate approach is to smoke some weed, turn the original concept on its head, and re-envision it. Let's begin:

Cook some wild rice. You will want 3/4-1c cooked. In a large pot melt one stick of your finest reefer butter and lightly saute your favorite fake sausage product with 1/2c sliced mushrooms, 1/2 diced onion, 1 1/2tsp Old Bay, 1/2tsp sage, and 1/2tsp thyme. Do not over cook it. In a large bowl toss the aforementioned crap with a day old loaf of French bread (torn into pieces), 1 small can of condensed cream of mushroom (or suitable substitute), 10oz vegetable broth, 1/4c dried cranberries, 1/2c pecans, and 1/2c diced apples. Put it all in a very large casserole dish. I think I used one of those huge disposable roasting pans but I can't really remember as I was totally faded. Get it baked at 350 degrees for about an hour. Eat it, hippies.

Dijon Horseradish Beef Roast

'Tis the season for slow roasted beefy goodness atop a tender layer of root vegetables. This is the quintessential American winter dish and if you don't like it then go back to Russia and take your denim suits with you. Some people, stupid ones, attempt this hearty meal in a crockpot which is tantamount to urinating on the American flag while singing Justin Bieber songs. Don't fucking do it. Let's begin:


I don't like all those fancy pants weird ass hipster root vegetables so I just used four red potatoes, three carrots, and two yellow onions like a true patriot. Chop them into chunks and toss with a little vegetable oil and sea salt. Place them in a large shallow casserole dish, loosely cover with tin foil, and roast at 425 degrees for 45 minutes. Every twenty minutes or so pull them out and toss them with a spatula so they cook evenly and don't stick to your shit.
Yeah, this is the best picture I got. Appetizing, huh? In a small bowl mix 1/2c dijon mustard, 2tbl prepared horseradish, 1tbl red wine vinegar, 4 minced cloves of garlic, 1tsp black pepper, 1tsp oregano, 1tsp coriander, 1/2tsp thyme, and 1/2tsp sea salt. Smother your 2lb top round beef roast like a Mexican hooker and let it sit on the counter for 20 minutes. Heat up a little vegetable oil in a saucepan over medium to medium-high heat and sear that bitch for about 30 seconds on each side. You want to cook the sauce into the meat and give it a nice color.

Lightly place your seared roast on top of the root vegetables, place the dish back in the oven uncovered, and immediately drop the temperature to 250 degrees. Let it cook untouched for an hour and twenty minutes, turn off the oven, and let it sit in there for another half hour.

And there you have it, an easy as shit taste of the season. Now you are all ready for the Home Alone marathon while curled up on the couch in your leopard print snuggie, loser. Eat it.

Rachael Ray Inspired Late Night Bread

After reading Rachael Ray's new earthshattering recipe, my creativity meter shot through the roof and I came up with my own brilliant culinary concoction: Late Night Bread. Let's begin:




Start by removing the little twisty-tie at the top of the bag. This can be tricky since it is not always clear which way you should twist it. Gets me every time. Pull out one slice of bread and place it on a plate. If you want to get crazy, try spreading on some butter. I would suggest toasting the slice of bread but that is probably way beyond your skill level, and mine. Eat it.

Bacon Maple Pumpkin Pie

Every few thousand years an event occurs that shatters man's plebeian perceptions and forces him to reconsider his understanding of, and place in, the universe. This is one of those events. Any fucking moron can make a crappy pumpkin pie off the can, but it takes a true pioneer to envision a brighter future for humankind and act on it. Welcome to the New Era of pumpkin pie, bitches. Let's begin:



Behold the motherfucking Bacon Maple Pumpkin Pie and bask in its glory! Start by cooking 3/4lb of bacon. This may seem excessive to the common neanderthal like yourself but any less would be an abomination to the evolutionary process. Let it cool and dice the living shit out of it. Make a sweet pie crust. Use your family's secret pumpkin pie filling recipe and add 1/3c maple syrup. If your family refuses to pass down their pumpkin pie recipe to you due to that one fateful Thanksgiving when you got shitbrickhouse and dry humped the turkey on the dining room table, try this one or this one. Layer the bottom of your crust with diced bacon. Slowly pour in your filling and place it in a 375 degree oven for 55 minutes. Start checking it around 40 minutes to see if you need to put a tin foil tent over it so the crust does not burn. Do not let the tin foil touch the filling or you will fuck it all up, again. There may be some liquid at the top of the pie towards the end but this is just bacon fat and it will coagulate. To avoid this press the shit out of the bacon crumbles with paper towels before place them on the bottom of the pie. The second you take the pie out of the oven, give it a nice bacon ring as seen above. Let it cool completely. Eat it.