Hood Rich Rice

5 Strips of Bacon

1 Yellow Onion, diced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

1 Jalapeno, minced

1c Rice

1/2tsp Paprika

1/2tsp Old Bay

1 3/4c Water

Blackened Catfish

Chesapeake Sausage, sliced and cooked

Shrimp, cooked with Old Bay

You already blew the family's welfare check on spinner hubcaps for your ramshackle Chevy Caprice but you got lucky and scored big rolling dice on the corner. Time to eat like ghetto royalty. This dish combines all the finest Mid-Atlantic housing project delicacies atop a bed of spicy bacon rice. So grab an OE, roll up a fatty grape flavored blunt, and let's do this shit.

Cook the bacon and remove it from the pan. Saute the onion in the bacon grease until softened. Add the next five ingredients and let it cooked until the rice is browned. Should take about five minutes. Pour in the water, cover, reduce the heat, and simmer until the water has been completely absorbed. Tear up the bacon and toss it into the rice. Top your spicy bacon rice with the catfish, sausage, and shrimp.

This meal is so ghetto fabulous I promise you will still be making it even if you do get up out the projects one day. Too bad we both know that record deal ain't happening but at least I hear you are up for a promotion to head cashier at McDonald's. Eat it.

Pimpin' Pizza Dough

1 Packet Active Dry Yeast

1/2tsp Sugar

1/4c Hot Water

1c Whole Milk

1 Egg, beaten

1/2tsp Salt

3 1/2c Flour

This shit is money, yo. Bitches be workin' it day 'n' night at the corner store. Those trick-ass hoes know if they don't got my dough when I come around, they be takin' a one way trip to the bakery. Gots to get it.

Dissolve the yeast and sugar in the hot water in a big ass bowl for about 15 minutes. Add the milk, egg, and salt and mix that shit up. Stir in the flour one cup at a time. After about two cups you will need to start using your hands. Smack that triflin' bitch around, cover with plastic wrap, and throw it in the trunk of your Brougham until you can properly dispose of it. It usually takes a little over an hour to get to the housing development under construction outside the city. By that time it should be all bloated and about double the size.

Toss out your dough, spread out your sauce, strategically place your toppings, and finish it off with cheese. Bake it on a pizza stone in the lower half of a 500 degree oven for around 13 minutes. Eat it, you jive turkey.

Crimpacon: Breakfast Sandwich

Bacon, lots

Eggs, beaten

Shrimp, cooked and smothered with Old Bay

King Crab

Jalapeno, minced

Cream Cheese, separated into little globs

Red Onion, diced

Mayo

Shitty White Buns

Ever since I created the Crabacon Series I was convinced it was the pinnacle of food evolution but I have proven myself wrong. That's the beautiful thing about evolution, it just keeps getting more badass and I'm the motherfucking orchestrator of its Intelligent Design. So without further adieu, I present the Crimpacon.

Cook up an assload of bacon and remove it from the pan. Pour your beaten eggs into the bacon grease and add the shrimp, crab, jalapeno, cream cheese, and some crumbled bacon. Scramble that shit up until the eggs are fully cooked and not a second longer. Once the mixture cools down a little bit, mix in the red onion. Cream up a shitty white bun, slam in your junk, and then put your mouth all over it.

While I am tempted to say it can't get any better than this, I will end up creating something even better and that frightens me. Not even I know what the future holds but you better believe I'm going to milk the Crimpacon for all it is worth. Eat it.

Myocardial Infarction Dog

All Beef Hot Dog

Bacon

Roasted Chicken

Cheddar Cheese, grated

Mayo

Hoagie Roll

Red Onion, diced

The trifecta of chicken, beef, and pork holds a special place in my slow beating clogged black heart but those chicken, beef, and pork hot dogs are fucking nasty so I came up with the Myocardial Infarction Dog to satisfy my carnivorous cravings. It is getting more difficult for me to breathe with every word I type and my left arm is starting to tingle so let's begin.

Wrap the hot dog in bacon and pan fry it until the bacon is fully cooked. Remove the hot dog from the pan and toss the roasted chicken in the bacon grease until it warms up. Add your cheddar cheese and mix it up until it gets all melty and shit. Slather a hoagie roll with some mayo, plop down your bacon wrapped hot dog, spoon in the greasy cheesy chicken, and top with red onions. You gotta get your vegetables.

Before you sit down to eat, call 911 and notify them of your intentions so they can send the coroner right out. You don't want your neighbor to knock your door down three weeks later due to the smell and find that your ten cats have picked your bones clean. Eat it.

Beefy Barf Stew

1lb Beefy Stew Meat
2 Yellow Onions, diced
3 Carrots, peeled and chopped
4 Celery Stalks, chopped
3 Garlic Cloves, minced
1tsp Dried Oregano
1tsp Dried Basil
1 14.5oz Can of Chopped Tomatoes
2c Dried Lentils
8c Water or Beef Broth or a Mix of Both
Salt & Pepper


Although this beefy barf stew looks like the end result of Christmas party tequila guzzling, it is actually the shit. Wait, I phrased that wrong; it's the projectile vomit. Since it takes little to no skill to make you will not even need to brush the thick layer of dust off your thinking-cap so leave that court-ordered helmet on your scarred misshapen head and let's begin.

Salt and pepper the stew meat, toss it in the largest pot you have, and brown it completely over medium heat. Remove the meat from the pot and saute the next six ingredients in the delicious meat juice until softened. Add the next three ingredients and bring it to a boil over medium to medium-high heat. Reduce the heat and let it simmer uncovered for an hour and twenty three minutes while stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and stir in a shitload of salt and pepper so it actually has some flavor.

Some people, idiots, swear by adding red or white vinegar to their bowl of lentil stew. These sissies need to grow a pair and throw in some Tabasco. The mellow heat and hint of vinegar are far superior to that plain jane bullshit. Close your eyes and eat it.