I heard via the twitters that there would be soft-shelled blue crab at the farmer's market today. I shook off my hangover, grabbed an iced coffee, had a smoke, and ran over there to lay claim. I retrieved four feisty specimens and returned home to figure out what the fuck to do with them. Much to my surprise, and delight, I discovered they should be trimmed and carved while still alive. Hell yeah.
To make things more interesting I pounded a shitload of bourbon before doing this in order to bring out my primal blood lust instincts. If you don't have the stomach to do shit like this, give up eating meat and become one of those sissy ass vegans. If you are not capable of killing it, you shouldn't have the pleasure of eating it. Start by taking a small pairing knife and face fucking the live crab. If you flip through these pictures quickly you can see the crab's legs flail as it writhes in agony. Conversely, if you look at them backwards you can watch me reattach the crab's face with only a knife. David Blaine, bitches.
Next, flip back the soft shell on each side and scrape out the gills/lungs/whatever with the backside of the knife as they are inedible. Do not be surprised if the crab is still moving in a vain attempt at survival.
Pull back the tail thing and cut it off at the base of the top shell.
Pick up the limp, involuntarily twitching crab carcass and squeeze all the gross shit out the gaping hole where its ugly face used to be.
9 comments:
First of all, your bourbon charade was completely nullified by that sissy iced coffee you had. Did you ask that barista to top it with pretty pink whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles?
And beyond that...all we get is you boasting about killing a creature half the size of your foot (and probably ten times the size of your dick). What the fuck kind of recipe is that?
Your mommy would say she's ashamed of you...if I'd ever agree to remove the ballgag.
Who told you about the rainbow sprinkles?!?
*dead*
This kills the crab.
You think?
"If you are not capable of killing it, you shouldn't have the pleasure of eating it." Damn straight!
A real man would have ate the whole thing - gills, guts, and face! That's how we roll in Charm City baby!
I prefer not to eat garbage. That's how we roll in DC.
That looks absolutely delicious but dude, you are one merciless crab killer :-)
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