Dry White Wine
Fresh Lemon Juice, a small squeeze
Ramps, minced
Egg Yolk
Dijon
Fresh Lemon Juice, a small spritz
Gherkin Juice
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Gherkins, minced
Ramps, minced
Flour
Fancy Lettuce
Anyone can fry some soft-shelled crab, throw it on a hoagie, top it with remoulade, and call it a day but I shoot for the motherfucking stars. I did a flash white wine marinade, fried them, and topped with a true aioli flavored with gherkins and ramps. People who add shit to mayo and call it an aioli should have their foreheads seared with a branding iron that reads "Fucking Fraud." Furthermore, those Frenchie poofters call gherkins "cornichons" but that's because they have their heads so far up their asses they can see daylight. This is the US of fucking A and we speak American here. It's a goddamn gherkin.
Mix up all the ingredients in the white wine marinade, pour it over the crabs, and let them soak for 16 minutes. In the fridge, stupid.
In the meantime, get out your mortar and pestle and smash up the egg yolk, a small amount of dijon, a spritz of lemon juice, and some gherkin juice. Pour in the extra virgin olive oil at the speed of evolution while pounding it out to emulsify. If your sauce is broken, and it will be, you poured the olive oil in too quickly. To remedy, add another egg yolk and break out the cheater whisk. Taste as you go and when the flavors are right, add the gherkins and ramps, cover it, and toss in the fridge.
Pull out your crabs and dredge in flour. Shake off the excess flour and pan fry in hot ass vegetable oil for 4 minutes and 13 seconds per side. If you boil or steam soft-shelled crab you will have a disgusting mushy mess on your hands and everyone will laugh at you, again. Transfer to a paper towel lined plate to cool.
Plate on a bed of fancy lettuce and top with your aioli. Yes, you can consume the whole fucking thing. That's the point, genius. Eat it.
17 comments:
I'm hungry.
I'm sure they are tasty, all soft shell crabs seem to be but they look like shit. Whats with the bullshit bed of letuce crap? its not food, its what food eats
It's to make it look pretty, stupid!
You do know that without garlic, what you have there is a ramp and gherkin mayonnaise, not an aioli, right? Not a true aioli. Get your forehead ready, because here comes the brand!
Can you do a curry recipe? Preferably venison. And make it snappy. Thanks for that!
PS - Julie (above): how do you type with such tiny paws?
Me again, I asked for the curry recipe. Just found this 'gem' from one of your older posts. I don't like my chances of getting a curry recipe!
"Indian food can kiss my fucking ass. This is America and I make American food. Why would I make something that looks like excrement when I can enjoy a juicy hamburger?"
Kenji - no one likes a prescriptivist.
Yeah, I suck at making Indian food. It can blow me.
@Cooking Asshole
Totally agree. That's why I was surprised to see you write this sentence: "People who add shit to mayo and call it an aioli should have their foreheads seared with a branding iron that reads "Fucking Fraud." "
then proceed to ignore it.
No one likes people who take everything so seriously they miss the joke either.
ummmm.....dude....you called this aiolli...it isn't.....fyi
Did you read the other comments or are you intentionally trying to look like moron?
Oops, "a moron." It's hard to type while your mother is riding my dick.
hahah clearly had no idea what the difference between mayonnaise and aioli was until kenji pointed it out to him, now he's too much of a pussy to admit it.
I bet he thought mayonnaise comes in a jar you buy at the supermarket and aioli is when you make it yourself.
This looks and sounds amazing... Nothing like some good seafood as the weather warms up!
You got me anonymous pussy. I obviously have no idea what I'm doing...
Mmmmmmmmmmmm, anonymous pussy...............
anyone in DC looking for these fresh tasty critters or possibly some anonymous pvssy too, should check out the SW fish market (Maine ave). 4$ a pop, but so damn good and easy!
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