Surf & Turf Unbreached Udon Noodres

I picked up this package of udon noodles and the whole fucking thing was written in that incomprehensible chickenscratch they call a language except this small sticker on the back. Take note of the first ingredient: Unbreached flour. Thank God. I fucking hate it when my flour is breached. I have never ventured down this particular noodre road before so this should be interesting to say the least.

I decided to cook the noodres and then top them with a stir fry. Since the manufacturer's instructions were illegible, I just eyeballed it. They only took about five minutes to cook, to my surprise, and they flowed with the boiling water in an improvisational yet seemingly choreographed psychedelic dance. Kind of like that screen saver you have from 1997. Drain, rinse, and set aside.

The stir fry is the garbage disposal of Asian cuisine. Just take whatever is in your fridge, throw it in a pot, and stir that shit around for a few minutes. I had beef, shrimp, snap peas, red pepper, mushrooms, garlic, and onion. I don't even think they have red pepper in Japan but whatever. They would probably go nuts over it like they do with orange juice. I also tossed in some Asian crap I had laying around: rice vinegar (that has to be Asian since it has rice in it), mirin (sweetened sake), and Oyster Stout (that's kind of like oyster sauce, right?).

Not too bad for my first shot at it. I know some idiot is going to come around here and profess their religion of woks. Fuck woks. They are for self-loathing Americans who take yoga, improperly meditate, practice the scam of feng shui, and claim to be buddhist. I'm sorry mommy didn't hug you enough and now you have to pretend to be something you're not. Since eastern shit is so fucking awesome why don't you move to North Korea, dickheads! If you are going down that eastern road at least be a fake Daoist. It's less stupid but still pretty dumb nonetheless. Wait, how did this become about India, China, and North Korea? Anyway, the Japanese are badass. Any place that has used panty and beer vending machines is okay by me. That's a solid Tuesday night right there. Eat it.