Crab Fusillata OR How Not to Shop Like an Idiot

1/4c Butter

2tbl Flour

2tsp Old Bay

3/4c Dry White Wine

2 Garlic Cloves, minced

Whole Steamed Crab, as much as you please

1 Package Fusillata, or whatever kind you have on hand

Asparagus, pan fried or roasted

Today I scored over a dozen crabs at the farmer's market for five dollars. "How the fuck did you do that?" Shut your goddamn mouth for a second and I will explain it, you impatient jackass. I arrived at the market a half hour before closing and casually strolled by my favorite fish monger to see what they had available. At that time the crabs were a dollar each which is not too bad considering Whole Foods charges two fifty.

Side note: if you shop at Whole Foods you are a fucking dumbass and you deserve to have your money taken from you. The old adage "you get what you pay for" only applies to stupid dickheads who don't know any better, like you. The smartest way to shop is purchase your secondary ingredients at the megamart and your primary ingredients at the farmer's market or local specialty grocer.

To continue, I decided to move on and peruse other vendors at the market knowing full well that right before closing the fish monger would mark everything down drastically in order to liquidate their inventory. I returned a few minutes later to find bags of six or more crabs for four dollars each. I asked if they would give me two for five and they reluctantly acquiesced. Then I asked if they could break a hundred dollar bill just to fuck with them. I can see the blood vessels burst in their foreheads every time I walk up to their stand.

Melt the butter over the lowest heat possible and then stir in the flour and Old Bay for a few minutes until it no longer tastes like raw flour. Should take about a minute or two of constant stirring. Add the wine and garlic and stir until thickened and all the booze has cooked off. Pour it over the crab and completely combine. Turn in the pasta and garnish with the asparagus. Eat it.