8oz Salt Pork, coarsely chopped
1 White Onion, diced
1 Jalapeno, diced
2c Tomato Based BBQ Sauce, chipotle variation
1c Brown Sugar
1/3c White Vinegar
Large Squirt of Dijon Mustard
5c Great Northern Beans
This is the best baked beans recipe you will ever find. "Why?" Because I fucking made it, dumbass, that's why. No stupid talking dogs or secret recipes here folks. This is the real deal.
The crappy recipes, most all of them, call for bacon or canned baked beans. "No bacon?!? Blasphemy!" Would you let me fucking finish, Jesus. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, using bacon is dumb as hell. A dish such as this should, nay, must start with salt pork as it is way fattier and better suited for slow cooking. Anyone who uses bacon is a moron. For those people who use canned baked beans as the base of their baked beans recipe, you are all fucking idiots. We are creating a dish, not embellishing a processed canned product. This is almost as bad as starting a BBQ sauce recipe with "one bottle of BBQ sauce." Almost.
Toss the salt pork in a large dish that is suitable for both the stovetop and the oven. Stir that shit around over medium-low heat until the fat starts melting. Throw in the onion, saute until it looses its firmness, and add the jalapeno for another few minutes. Remove the dish from heat and dump in all the other crap. "How do I make the chipotle version of your BBQ sauce?" Gee, let me think for a minute. Well, you might try adding some fucking chipotle. You want me to stand behind you and make your arms move while you cook too? "Can I add some beer or bourbon so I can sound cool in front of my friends?" First off, your wife's co-workers are not your friends. Second, sure you can but it will not taste any different and you will waste good booze. Just drink it and say you put it in the beans.
Bake that bitch at 300 degrees for three and a half hours, stirring every hour. If you don't make your own BBQ sauce this dish will suck shit. It will take a while but it will be in perfect tandem with that huge pork shoulder slow cooking on the grill. Eat it.
11 comments:
sounds good. but the baked beans at memphis blues bbq chain have pulled pork in them. lots of it. beat that.
Okay, that sounds fucking amazing.
Just a helpful hint: If your grocery store doesn't carry salt pork (and fucking SHAME on them if they don't), ask at the meat counter if they have "bacon ends". It's basically the all-fatty ends of the bacon slabs, and is usually cheap as fuck. Works just as well, and still gives that smoky, pork-fattty delightfulness we all know and love!
=^..^=
P.S. If you you market is so fucking lame that they don't even have bacon ends, then take your ass to a Hispanic neighborhood, and find a damn carniceria! They still treat pork fat with all of the love and respect it deserves...
What part of this recipe actually turns it from baked beans into Stoned beans?
Either way this sounds good.
Nothing. I just think "baked beans" sounds stupid.
I wish you would stand behind me and help me type this comment.... maybe then it wouldn't say this "You're an ass!"....... but..... the beans sound kinda good. I might give them a try. But whatever...you're still an ass!
Look asshat, you are gonna have to give better direction than this. There are cockwads out there who have never made baked beans before.
Dried beans? Soaked overnight? Canned beans? Drained?
Yeah, just throw in 5c of unprepared dried beans. That should work out perfectly...
Man, I translated this piece into French. Here. http://transe.idiomatique.org/fiches-cuisine/bake-that-bitch
Thank you, you made one hour of my day. That's a lot.
PS : "baked beans" sounds even worse in French than in English but since it's a British/American concept we don't have a word for it. I'm pretty sure you've heard of cassoulet, though. We have a word for it. Have fun.
This is absolutely incredible. I love it!
If you ever make a book out of that crap, I would reluctantly (but all for the money) translate it. It would work here. Let me know. I'm the best.
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