Monday, September 5, 2011
Shit in a Pot
Old Bay, an ungodly amount
3tbl Kosher Salt
3lbs Red Potatoes
6 Ears of Corn, cleaned and halved
5lbs Live Blue Crab
2lbs Head-On Shrimp, deveined but unpeeled
1 Case of Yuengling
After my supermercado discovery, I returned days later to take them up on their five pounds of live blue crab for eight dollars deal. When I arrived, there was a bushel outside the seafood counter with five crabs that were unresponsive and moments from certain death. So I yelled out to the fish monger, "Yo muchacho! Que es non-deado crablata?" The jackass looked at me like he never heard anyone speak Mexican before but then he grabbed the bushel, took it in the back, and returned with a shitload of crabs that were feistier than a gang of cholas. See, all you have to do is ask politely.
Get out the biggest pot you have. That's it? Are you kidding? You need a bigger one. Ask your girlfriend to "borrow" one from her dishwasher job or just lift one from your local soup kitchen. Fill it up with water but remember that everything you put in it is going to displace the water and you don't want it to overflow. About 65% full should do it. Bring it to a rolling boil and dump in the Old Bay and salt. I used a little over half a tin of Old Bay so that's roughly four ounces. If you are a giant pussy and have trouble cracking crab, add some white vinegar too. Let it roll for five minutes.
Now it's time to start shitting all over this pot. Wash the potatoes and make a small puncture mark in the casing of the sausages. You can use whatever raw sausage you wish but don't buy something stupid like apple-chicken, cheese filled hot dogs, or Jimmy Dean turkey breakfast sausage. Throw the potatoes and sausages in the pot and let it boil for no more than ten minutes. Toss in the corn and crab. It's fun to dump in the live crab and watch them slowly sink in their watery Old Bay grave while vainly flailing their claws in a last ditch effort for survival. Stupid crabs. Let it boil for no more than ten minutes, remove from heat, add the shrimp, and let it sit for no more than ten minutes. See a pattern here yet? Strain it all out (reserve the stock for future projects) and place all the shit in the center of a newspapered table.
I got all this crap at the supermercado for $37. At Whole Foods this will get you 15 crabs. Pre-cooked. Guess what? My crabs were free range too. It took four of us over an hour to finish all this food. Eating well is not about money; it is about having a brain and using it. If you shop like an idiot you will eat like an idiot, affluent or poor. The former waste their money on holistic snake oil. The latter waste it on pre-packaged processed food. My point is that everyone is stupid as shit, except me. Eat it.