2012: The Year of the Anti-Foodites

News Wire: December 28, 2012

The past year has been devastating for the food industry in the United States. After the anti-carb, anti-gluten, anti-meat, anti-dairy fanatics joined forces and came to the conclusion that all humans are intolerant to every fucking thing in the world, they decided to reject food in all its various forms other than vapors. We caught up with a self-proclaimed “Anti-Foodite” and this is what she had to say:

“I’m completely intolerant to all foods. I never realized it before this movement became mainstream but since I’ve stopped eating food I feel fantastic and I’ve lost a ton of weight! I mean, look at how little food those poor Asian people eat and they invented Buddhism and Yoga. I try to only drink one glass of water a week and every day I go to one of the many new molecular gastronomy restaurants to breathe nutritional supplements.” She subsequently dropped to the ground and died of hunger.

Farms, grocery stores, and traditional restaurants across the nation have taken devastating losses while the molecular gastronomy “Breathing Rooms” have occupied every street corner. The founders of the Anti-Foodite Movement have been elected to the highest offices in Washington and now run our country of malnourished, self-absorbed, brain-dead yuppies.

The new US government, led by Alton “Iron Fister” Brown, has rejected a plea from the international community to encourage its citizens to start eating again. The US’s self-imposed famine is projected to eradicate the entire country’s population by mid 2013. The Iron Fister replied to the world by tweeting, “Don’t hate because we are smarter than you and can turn food into vapors.” The international community @ replied him stating, “Fine, go ahead and die. We don’t really give a shit.”

At the time of publication the US population was counted at less than five million and major cities such as NYC, DC, LA, and San Francisco were reduced to ghost towns. 


Happy New Year, fuckjobs.