Christmas Goose

10lb Goose

1 Apple, cored and sliced

1 Orange, sliced

1 1/2c Cranberries

Kosher Salt

1/4c Honey

1/4c Ruby Port

1/4c Butter

1/4c Brown Sugar

The Christmas Goose is a longstanding tradition to honor the birth of Santa. One December morning long, long ago a single whore mother gave birth in the lobby of a Motel 6 after turning her third trick of the night. In celebration of this miraculous bastard birth, the redneck tweeker desk clerk ventured to the manmade lake outside, strangled the life out of a goose, drowned its orphaned young, and roasted that motherfucker over the radiator. This pivotal moment ushered in a new era for the history of human civilization. Lord Santa would grow up to become the patron saint of consumerist capitalism, serve four terms as Grand Overlord of Earth, and eight terms as Ruthless Dictator until his untimely death at the hands of Jesus IV. It is in his memory that I make this dish. 

Shove your hand up the goose’s ass and pull out all the innards. Reserve all that crap for pate or some shit. Since geese have more fat than the dumpster behind a liposuction clinic, lightly score the breasts and legs so it can drain out. Toss the apple, orange, and cranberry with a little salt and cram it up the goose’s butt. Mix the glaze ingredients together and brush the bird with 1/4^th of it. Reserve the rest for later applications.

Put the dickhead, ill-tempered bird in a 375 degree oven, uncovered. After 30 minutes, baste it with some of the melted fat, add another layer of glaze, loosely cover with tin foil, and turn the heat down to 350 degrees. Continue to baste and glaze every thirty minutes for about two and a half hours. The goose will produce about a mason jar of fat so when you are done let it cool a little and put it in the fridge. Use it in lieu of butter in future dishes.

Share the goose with a gaggle of hookers in honor of Santa’s dirty whore mother. Eat it.