Coffee Shop Scones Suck

2c Flour

1c Oatmeal

1/3c Brown Sugar

Zest from 1/2 a Lemon

1 1/2tsp Baking Powder

1/2tsp Baking Soda

1/2tsp Salt

1 Stick of Butter, chilled and diced

1/2c Whole Milk

2oz Cream Cheese, room temperature

1 Egg

1/2 Pint Blueberries, or some other crappy berry

“Gross, only chicks eat scones.” Exactly, stupid. Why the fuck do you think we are making them? Furthermore, it’s those local independently owned coffee shops where they make you feel like you’re not worthy enough to drink their free-trade organic shade-grown vegan-fed gluten-free pour-over French-press crappy coffee that have given scones a bad name. Since those idiots make their scones with cute puppy blood, they turn out as hard as a rock and are capable of chipping teeth. This recipe turns out fluffy delicious scones because I use ugly kitten blood. Just kidding, I drank all mine last night.

Bust up the first seven ingredients in a food processor and then grind in the butter. Whisk together the milk, cream cheese, and egg. Dump it in the processor and crank it. Put the dough on a surface dusted with flour and gradually fold in the blueberries. Toss and smack it around until it gets about ten inches wide. Give it an egg wash, sprinkle on a liberal amount of white sugar, and cut it into eight triangles.

Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Serve these to the special lady you are currently stalking to finally win her over. Women love baked goods from complete strangers. Eat it.