Monday, December 5, 2011
4 Garlic Cloves, minced
2c High Acid White Wine
Lemon Juice, a tiny amount
Saffron, a pinch
Salt, a pinch
Garlicky Cheezy Bread
This dish contains as much wine as your mother before noon on a weekday and it’s just as acidic. The difference is we’re not going to use box wine or a beer bong.
Gently place the mussels in a large bowl and fill it with water. Let them sit for about a half an hour and then drain. Some will be as hairy as a French woman’s armpits so use a pair of scissors to trim that gross shit. Discard any broken or unresponsive open mussels. Remember they should be alive when they hit the pan. Dead shellfish will make you piss out your ass and shit out your mouth. Put them in the fridge while you prepare the broth.
Melt the butter over medium heat and sauté the garlic until fragrant. Pour in the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. “Even the garlicky cheezy bread?” No, super genius, just add the shit that makes sense. The best wine to use here is either a French Picpoul de Pinet or a zesty Portuguese white blend. Even a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc would work well. I would advise against using any wine that has seen oak or anything from Australia. Fuck Australian wine.
After the broth has reduced a little, slide the mussels into the pan, cover, and steam for about ten minutes. Shake the pan a few times during this period to move the mussels around. “Wouldn’t the top fly off and create a huge mess?” Shake it horizontally, not vertically, dumbass. Once the mussels have popped open, as seen in the picture above, they are ready to eat. If there are a few that did not fully pop, pry them open and eat them first. Those are the really tasty ones. “Really? I didn’t know that!” Okay, even I’m not that mean. If you do that your chances of getting food poisoning skyrocket. In fact, it’s pretty much guaranteed. Discard them.
Consume this dish with some garlicky cheezy bread or pour it over some type of long skinny pasta. “Should I cook the pasta first?” Holy shit, I give up. Eat it.