2lbs Mussels
1/4c Butter
4 Garlic Cloves, minced
2c High Acid White Wine
Lemon Juice, a tiny amount
Saffron, a pinch
Salt, a pinch
Garlicky Cheezy Bread
This dish contains as much wine as your mother before noon
on a weekday and it’s just as acidic. The difference is we’re not going to use
box wine or a beer bong.
Gently place the mussels in a large bowl and fill it with
water. Let them sit for about a half an hour and then drain. Some will be as
hairy as a French woman’s armpits so use a pair of scissors to trim that gross
shit. Discard any broken or unresponsive open mussels. Remember they should be
alive when they hit the pan. Dead shellfish will make you piss out your ass and
shit out your mouth. Put them in the fridge while you prepare the broth.
Melt the butter over medium heat and sauté the garlic until
fragrant. Pour in the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. “Even the
garlicky cheezy bread?” No, super genius, just add the shit that makes sense.
The best wine to use here is either a French Picpoul de Pinet or a zesty
Portuguese white blend. Even a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc would work well. I
would advise against using any wine that has seen oak or anything from Australia.
Fuck Australian wine.
After the broth has reduced a little, slide the mussels into
the pan, cover, and steam for about ten minutes. Shake the pan a few times
during this period to move the mussels around. “Wouldn’t the top fly off and
create a huge mess?” Shake it horizontally, not vertically, dumbass. Once the
mussels have popped open, as seen in the picture above, they are ready to eat.
If there are a few that did not fully pop, pry them open and eat them first.
Those are the really tasty ones. “Really? I didn’t know that!” Okay, even I’m not
that mean. If you do that your chances of getting food poisoning skyrocket. In
fact, it’s pretty much guaranteed. Discard them.
Consume this dish with some garlicky cheezy bread or pour it
over some type of long skinny pasta. “Should I cook the pasta first?” Holy
shit, I give up. Eat it.
6 comments:
So glad I read this. Now I know to never eat un opened cooked shellfish. Good to know.
I tried your recipe..... and it tasted nearly as fishy as your mom did last night..... suck it ass!
Scissors? Really? Are you to much of a pussy to rip the beards off? Or ar you afraid you're going to break a nail?
Fuck Australian wine? You're just upset that our dollar is worth more than yours now so you probably can't afford it on your disability pension...
Do you have some sort of retarded bi-polar chef in your head?
It's true about dead shellfish and shitting out of your mouth, having been down that road before. By the way, JAW, all chefs are bipolar. They are not necessarily retarded.
You've offended everybody...I love you man!!! Hahaha
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