Hipster Pancakes

It has come to my attention that the invasive species commonly known as hipsters has once again swarmed something we love and ruined it for everyone. The new hipster fad is to find stencils of their favorite obscure person/place/thing that you have never heard of and make "art" out of powdered sugar and pancakes. Apparently there is nothing sacred left in this world. It is bad enough all the cool neighborhoods have been destroyed by those vultures but now they have to fuck with our breakfast? All I know is they better not touch my bacon or we are going to have a serious fucking problem on our hands.

Since hipsters are purely superficial and have no real content, these pancakes must be made with Bisquick. Follow manufacturer's instructions. Place down the least recognizable stencil you can find, sprinkle on the powdered sugar, and remove stencil. Don't eat the pancakes. Just stare at them and bask in your own self-glory. Eat it.

Yellowtail Snapper

I found a local fish market today and the call of the Sirens was too strong to resist. The forceful hand of fate pushed me through the door and I ended up finding this beautiful specimen:



It was labeled as red snapper and priced relatively low. Most of what is sold as red snapper is not actually red snapper but some crappier cheaper snapper which store owners use to rip you the fuck off. I know you are a sucker mark so I figured I would explain that to you. This is one of the many reasons I prefer to purchase my fish whole. I immediately recognized that this fish is not a red snapper, obviously, but rather it is a yellowtail snapper which is far superior. Score.

Always inspect your fish. When purchasing whole fresh fish there are many different areas to check out but the eye is a good place to start. If the eye looks all jacked up, it's probably old or mishandled. If the eye is staring into your soul and despondently questioning why it's vibrant life was cut short, it's fresh and ready to eat.

I cooked this guy whole but my pictures turned out like shit, which is surprising because I'm basically the best food photographer in the history of the known universe. I decided to pass on the mango salsas and elaborate stuffings for something simpler so I could experience the true flavor of my prized catch.

1.5lb Whole Yellowtail Snapper, scaled/gutted/gilled

1/2 Jalapeno, minced

1/2 Small White Onion, minced

1 Large Clove of Garlic, minced

1/2tsp Cumin
Sea Salt

1 Lime, juiced

Vegetable Oil, a small splash
Cilantro, for garnish

Mix everything but the cilantro in a small bowl. Shove it inside your fish. Place a large piece of aluminum foil on a baking sheet, brush the whole thing with more oil, and sprinkle more sea salt all over. Place your fish down, wrap it up, and toss it in a 350 degree oven for 40 minutes. Let it sit in the foil for another 7 minutes after you pull it from the oven. Garnish with cilantro. Eat it.

Crème Brûlée aux Myrtilles OR French Blueberry Pudding

1/2c Heavy Cream

1/2c Whole Milk

2 Egg Yolks

2.5tbl Sugar

1/2 Vanilla Bean, grated

Blueberries

Brown Sugar

Even if you lack the proper crème brûlée equipment you can still half-ass this dish and it will taste like The Storming of the Bastille all up in your mouth. That's a good thing, I think. Anyway, the skill level required to make this is between Microwave Proficient and Novice so you might actually have a chance.

Combine the cream and milk in a small pot and bring to a boil over medium heat. Gently mix the egg yolks and sugar in a medium bowl. Pour the creamy milk into the sugary eggs, add the vanilla bean, and stir. If you don't have vanilla beans you can cheat and use 1/4-1/2tsp pure vanilla extract. Whatever. Fill the bottoms of two 7oz ramekins with blueberries and pour the creamy shit all over them. Bake at 225 degrees for an hour. Let them cool to room temperature. Sprinkle a layer of brown sugar on the top, break out your crack torch and start caramelizing. Since I quit smoking crack years ago, I used my broiler with mild success.

Some people use a bain-marie. You all know how I feel about double boiling and waterbaths. Go ahead and waste your time in a vain effort to feel all fancy and shit but you are fooling no one. I bet people who use a bain-marie also scald milk. Fucking dumbasses. Eat it.

Cuisses de Grenouilles le Trou du Cul

1lb Frog Legs, about six pairs
Whole Milk
1tbl Butter
1/2c Dry White Wine
2 Cloves of Garlic, minced
1 Shallot, minced
5 White Mushrooms, sliced
1/2c Heavy Cream
Salt and Pepper
Handful of Flat Leaf Parsley, full leaves pulled off stems
Juice from 1/4 Lemon

Listen up bitches. I made French Fried Chicken yesterday but I picked up some more frog legs today and decided to get all fancy up in this shit. While I recognize that this picture looks less than appetizing, the sauce I created will blow all your puny dinosaur minds out of this world and it will work for any white meat. If I had to suggest you make one thing I have developed out of the 550+ recipes posted here, this would be it. Don't miss out on this shit like a fucking dumbass, dumbass. Now pay attention.

Submerge the frog legs in the milk for at least two hours. Remove and pat dry. Brown them in the butter over medium heat until almost completely cooked. Remove from pan and place on paper towels. Toss the wine, garlic, shallot, and mushrooms in the pan and simmer until the wine has almost fully evaporated but you still want the contents of the pan to be pretty fucking moist with a little extra liquid. Turn down the heat a smidgen and add the cream and salt and pepper. Stir that shit around until it thickens. Add the frog legs, parsley, and lemon. Stir it around for a few minutes and then remove everything from the pan.

I have never been this adamant about one of my recipes but every last one of you fuckers needs to make this. I am not fucking around. Eat it.

Cuisses de Grenouilles OR French Fried Chicken

Frog Legs
Milk
1/2c Flour
2tsp Herbes de Provence
Vegetable Oil, for frying

Anyone who says frog legs taste like chicken is a fucking idiot. They taste absolutely nothing like chicken. Their consistencies are somewhat similar but frog's flavor is much closer to fish. So I guess I can understand how the common pleb's feeble brain could get confused. Don't feel too bad. You can't help it.

Soak the frog legs in milk for at least two hours. Mix the flour and the herbes de provence in a shallow bowl. Pat the frog legs dry and dredge them. Set them on a plate for a few minutes and dredge them again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This is how you get a nice solid coat. Put a shitload of vegetable oil in a frying pan over medium heat. Once it heats up toss in your legs until browned, about five minutes per side. I didn't do it here but the Frenchies flash saute some garlic and parsley in butter, spoon it over the fried legs, and serve with a lemon wheel.

It is unfortunate so many people in America turn their nose up at eating frog legs. They are delicious, nutritious, and seditious. Well, the latter doesn't make any sense but that was the only other word I could think of that rhymed. Eat it.

Red Hot Dark Chocolate Soufflé OR French Brownies

3tbl Butter
3.5oz Red Chili Dark Chocolate (47%), diced
2tbl Sugar
2tbl Whole Milk
3 Eggs, separated
Cayenne, for dusting



As you well know I don't like to toot my own horn since everyone else does it for me but this is hands down the best dessert I have ever made. It eclipses Elvis' Dick, Bacon Peanut Butter Cookies, and even America Toast. Yes, even America Toast. The only negative aspect of this dish is that now I will be disappointed by everything else for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Melt the butter over very low heat and then melt the chocolate into the butter. You are not trying to cook either ingredient. If you have a very low brain capacity you can use a double boiler so you don't fuck it up. Once melted, immediately remove from heat and pour into a large bowl. Mix the sugar and milk into the melty deliciousness. If you have a higher percentage dark chocolate you might want to use more sugar and/or milk but that is up to you. Mix in the yolks one by one. It is imperative that you fully integrate each one before adding the next. Beat the whites severely until stiff peaks form. If you do not beat them to stiff peaks your French Brownies will suck ass. Gradually mix in the whites. Brush two 7oz ramekins with butter (the inside, stupid) and pour in your batter. Give them a little horizontal shake so they settle nicely. Place in a 375 degree oven for 28 minutes. Do not open the oven door until you pull them out.

These do not deflate as quickly as a savory soufflé so you have a minute or two to dust them with cayenne and get them to the table while they are still pretty. If you ever want to impress the shit out of someone, make these. Eat it.

Brie and Rosemary Soufflé OR Frenchie Poofters

2tbl Butter

2tbl Flour

1/4c Milk

1/3lb Brie, rind removed and torn into small pieces

Salt

3 Eggs, separated

Fresh Rosemary

People tend to be intimidated by any dish that sounds remotely French but once you develop the proper techniques French cuisine is as easy as your mom. It also helps to give the dishes alternate names, e.g. Frenchie Poofters, Frenchie Stink Bombs, etc.

Melt the butter over medium to medium low heat. Add the flour and continuously stir for a minute or two until the flour smell has been replaced by a nutty smell. While stirring the roux, drizzle in the milk until fully incorporated, remove from heat, salt it, and stir in the brie until melted. Add the egg yolks one at a time. Do not add the next yolk until the previous one has completely merged with the mixture. This is fucking essential so don't think you can just stir them all in at once like goddamn jackass. Set the mixture aside and beat the living shit out of the egg whites until stiff peaks form. You can use an electric mixer like a total sissy but real men make their soufflé by hand. Gradually fold the egg whites into the mixture until they have become one. Pour into two buttered 7oz ramekins, top them with a little fresh rosemary, place them on a baking sheet, and put those motherfuckers in a 375 degree oven for 27-28 minutes. Do not open the oven door to check on them like a dumbass. Use the light and window.

The soufflé will deflate about 4 nanoseconds after you take it out of the oven so serve immediately. Soufflé waits for no one. Eat it.

Two Way Varenyky with Caramelized Onion

I get so much fan mail from this stupid site that there are not enough hours in the day to read through it all but when this one chick sent me an email with "varenyky" in the subject line I just had to open it. A "varenyky" is a little stuffed dough pocket that has been a staple of Ukrainian cuisine for as long as anyone can remember. Well, except for that one time Stalin took all the food away and everyone died but that is beside the point. There is even a damn monument to varenyky in Ukraine. What I want to know is where the fuck is our hot dog monument, President Obama? What the hell is our government even doing if we can't get a monument to hot dogs? Stop wasting my tax dollars, Washington! The dough is this chick's grandma's recipe and she gave me ideas for the filling.

Onion, Potato, and Cheddar Filling:

Onion, diced
Potato, diced
Cheddar, diced

Dice the onion and potato. Saute until softened. Stir in a shitdickload of cheddar. Set aside to cool.
Pork and Cabbage Filling:

Pork
1/2 Head of Cabbage, sliced
1c Whole Milk
1tsp Paprika

I did a spice rub on my pork, slow cooked it, and then diced it but you can do whatever. In a large pot combine the cabbage, milk, and paprika. Simmer it, covered, until it gets all mushy and then continue to simmer uncovered so all the liquid can evaporate which should only take fucking forever. Once most all the liquid is gone you can pull it off the stove and mix it with the pork.


Varenyky Dough:

5 cups flour
2 cups luke warm water
2 eggs
2 tbs vegetable oil

"Make a well in the 5 cups of flour, swish the eggs and oil into the luke warm water. Begin pouring the mixture a little at a time into the well and take a butter knife and start incorporating the flour from the sides into the liquid mixture. Pour more liquid, incorporate flour etc."

[Be sure to break the yolk. I found I did not need to use all the wet ingredients to get the consistency I wanted and I had to add them very, very slowly. I will also add 1tsp salt next time]

"Once it’s a sticky mess, put oil on your hands and kneed the dough adding a little flour at a time just so it stops sticking to your hands. Don’t over-kneed, or the dough will be tough."

"Split the dough in half and let it stand for 15 minutes. Kneed half the dough again and use some flour to being rolling out a THIN sheet of dough. The key here is to make the dough rather thin, but not too thin so that when you’re folding the varenyky and sticking them together, they don’t rip. If they’re too thin, they’ll break apart when you boil them. "

"Cut small circles into the rolled out thin dough. The Polish pierogie is like a huge Polish contractor, the Ukrainian varenyk is petite ballerina. Pull a circle from the dough and put a teaspoon of the filling in the center. Fold the dough over and pinch the half circle shut making sure you squeeze the air out."

[When you pinch it shut, give it a little twist to make sure it locks]

"Boil some water and salt it. Once at a light boil, add about 7 verenyky in there and keep the water in motion so they don’t stick to the bottom. Once they float, they’re ready. Take them out with a slotted spoon and throw a little melted butter on them so they don’t stick together."

[I found that they were better if I gave them another 30 seconds or so after floating]

Caramelize some onion. Don't you fucking dare add sugar to onion and turn up the heat. That is complete bullshit. Thinly slice an onion, mix it with a little oil, and stir it over super low heat for about 45 minutes. I thought these little bastards were fantastic and her instruction was excellent. I would highly suggest making them if you have nothing to do for an entire fucking day and feel like making insanely labor intensive snacks. Eat it.

Baltimore Fried Butterfish

Butterfish, gutted
1c Flour
1/2c Old Bay
Vegetable Oil, a shitload

Some people, stupid ones, overlook this fish every damn day of their lives due to its size. Surprisingly there is a large amount of meat on the butterfish and it has a very high fat content, hence the name. There is only one appropriate way to prepare this fish and apparently I'm the only one that knows it, as usual. Luckily for you, I don't believe in intellectual property and dumbass "secret recipes" so I share everything willingly. If I had a restaurant I would hand out my recipes to all my customers. Why? Because they still couldn't make it better than me. That's how fucking awesome I am.

Mix the flour and Old Bay in a glass pie pan. Dredge your gutted butterfish in the mixture and and set them on a baking sheet. Heat enough vegetable oil in a heavy pan so it will cover 60% of each fish when you drop them in the pan. Some people use butter because of the namesake but this is moronic since the butter will burn well before your fish is done. Frying butterfish in butter is as dumb as using allspice in everything you make. While the oil is heating up on the medium setting, keep dredging the fishies every few minutes so you get a nice solid layer on there. Fry each fish for about five minutes per side depending on their size.

If your end result does not look like this, you fucked up. Once again, I didn't. Eat it.

How to Gut a Butterfish

I was at a local fish monger today and I decided to pick up a few little butterfish that I have seen everywhere along the eastern seaboard. I told them I wanted them whole and not to fuck with my damn fish. The following is the conversation that transpired between me and the old dude in line next to me:

Old Dude - "You gonna gut that fish yourself son?"
Me - "Hell yeah."
Old Dude - "Why don't you want them to do it for you?"
Me - "Because I don't want them to fuck with my fish."
Old Dude - "You ever do it before?"
Me - "Uh, yes. The other day I butchered a bunny."
Old Dude - [raises brow] "Was it domesticated?"
Me - "Yeah, it was my daughter's pet but it pissed me off. Damn bunny."
[Fish monger hands me my shit]
Me - "Later Old Dude."
Old Dude - [silence]

Moral of the story: don't ask random people stupid ass questions.

Begin by scaling the fish. Mine were already scaled but if yours are not just take the backside of a knife move from tail to head in short 90 degree angle strokes. Do this on every square inch of the fish. Cut off the pectoral fins. Those are the ones on the side, dumbass.

The guts are all in the front of the fish and the anus is before the pelvic fin. I just lop off the pelvic fin, lay the fish on its side, insert the knife 1/4 inch before the anus, and slice that fucker up to its jaw as seen above. Don't start ripping shit out like a jackass. Take your index finger and thumb, and reach in to find where all the guts meet right before the head. Pinch that shit and rip it out in one fell swoop.

There will be some more shit attached to the backbone so reach in and rip that crap out too. There should be nothing remaining in the cavity.

Rip out the gills. Don't cut it. Use your hands like a goddamn man.

Waterboard the fish until it tells you the tastiest way to prepare it. It will think it can breath, but it can't since you ripped its gills out. They fold pretty quickly. Sissy ass fish. Don't eat it, yet.

Cheezy Asshole Sandwiches OR Guy Fieri is an Idiot

I was walking down the snack aisle at the supermarket today and out of nowhere an eerie and almost unintelligible recording of Guy Fieri screams at me to buy some shitty Ritz crackers and make his dumbass new recipes. As I recoiled in horror the woman next to me fell to the ground and suffered a massive heart attack. I grabbed my beloved Cheeze-Its and got the fuck out of there before he showed up in person and started cramming Ritz crackers down my throat.

Later in the day I decided to check out his recipes and it turns out that all he did was take traditional sandwiches and put them on a stupid fucking Ritz cracker. This guy is a true pioneer. Cheesesteak, meatballs, pork, and chicken on a crappy little cracker. Thanks for letting us in on your culinary genius, dude. How fucking stupid do you think we are? He has as much respect for his viewers as the people who advertise during Maury. None. So it got me thinking, maybe I could work something out with Cheez-It so I would never have to use my brain ever again, just like Guy Fieri. I bring to you the innovative and ground breaking new series: Cheezy Asshole Sandwiches.

The Cheezy Turkey



The Cheezy BLT

The Cheezy Meatloaf

The Cheezy Breakfast

And finally, the Cheezy Hot Dog

So what do you say Cheez-It? This is the wave of the goddamn future. Let's do this shit and make millions. Eat it.

Meatloaf

Onion, diced
Garlic, minced
Tomato, gutted and diced
Celery, sliced
Carrot, diced
1tbl Various Spices (I used a garlic-parsley-hot pepper mix from some Italian place)
Salt and Pepper
Bacon, thin cut
1.5lbs Ground Beef and/or Pork
1/3c Dried Breadcrumbs
2 Eggs, beaten
1c Mozzarella Cheese
1c Red Wine
6tbl Dark Brown Sugar

All that fancy foreign shit was fucking with my head so I had to make a loaf of meat in order to re-center myself. At first I thought I would make a pâté or terrine and it dawned on me that I'm a motherfucking American and my meatloaf is comprised of beef and pork meat, not livers, kidneys, and hearts. That shit is for freaks with stupid accents and archaic barbarian cultures.

Saute the onion, garlic, tomato, celery, and carrot until softened. At the very end, toss in your spices and give them some heat. Set aside the mixture to cool. Take a Pyrex loaf dish thing and place the bacon down widthwise. Set aside. In a large bowl mix the beef with the breadcrumbs, eggs, cheese, and vegetable mixture. Cram that meat in the bacon pyrex nice and tight. Place it in a 350 degree oven, uncovered, for 35 minutes. Pull it out, drain the grease, cover, and return to oven. In a small pot mix the red wine and dark brown sugar over medium heat. Let it boil and reduce while stirring regularly for about 17 minutes. After the loaf has been in the oven for 50 total minutes, pull it out, drain the grease, and pour the red wine reduction all over the top. Crank the oven up to 400 degrees and toss the loaf back in, uncovered, for another 10 minutes. Pull it out, drain, cool, and serve that bitch up. Eat it.

Scaloppine di Coniglio

1/4c Flour
1tsp Various Dried Herbs
Bunny Belly
Rustic Bread
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Parmesan

For most idiots the only meat that comes to mind when they hear scaloppine is veal. The average super genius, such as myself, thinks any thin cut of meat that can be flash fried. I had some bunny belly left over from my butcher job and I decided this was the perfect way to prepare it. As usual, I was right.

In a small bowl mix the flour and herbs. Run the bunny belly through to coat and let sit for a minute or two. Run it through the flour again and let it sit for another few minutes. You can use an egg wash like a fucking moron but in my experience egg washes have zero redeeming qualities. Egg washes can kiss my ugly fat ass. Fry the floured belly in a little butter over medium heat until browned. It should take about a minute per side. Drizzle some extra virgin olive oil over a slice of rustic bread, plop down your bunny belly, and top with a little Parmesan. Eat it.

Lapin à la Cauchoise

1tbl Butter
Butchered Bunny
1/3c Heavy Cream
1/2c Dry White Wine
3tbl Dijon Mustard
1 Shallot, diced

I have a confession to make. I love French cuisine. It is elegant, simple, and decandent. No punchline here, people. I love French food and I am part French. There, I said it. This post will be serious so fucking pay attention. God forbid you might actually learn something.

Heat up 1tbl butter over medium heat and slightly brown a butchered bunny. Remove the bunny from the pan, and pour 1/3c heavy cream in the pan to deglaze. Remove pan from heat, return bunny to pan, coat in cream, and move the meat to a small casserole dish. Do not pour the excess cream into the casserole dish. In a small bowl whisk together the wine, Dijon, and shallot. Pour it over the bunny rabbit, cover, and bake at 300 degrees for 25 minutes. Uncover it, baste, and bake for another 17 minutes. Eat it.

How to Butcher a Bunny

Bunnies are typically sold whole so you either have to ask the butcher to cut it up for you like a total sissy or you can do it your damn self like a fucking man. Extra points if you shot the bunny and double extra points if it was once a family pet.

This is what your bunny should look like after you decapitate and skin it. Right now I'm wearing my favorite pair of bunny fur slippers. SO comfy! If there are any internal organs remaining, cut them out and reserve for pâté.

Flip it on its back, grab one hind leg, and pull it out of the hip socket. Once you have separated it from the joint, make a clean cut through the flesh. Repeat this process with the arm on the same side. If you try and cut through the bone you will fuck it all up and probably choke to death while eating dinner. At the very least you will tear your esophagus and suffer massive internal bleeding.

Separate the rib cage from the rest of the body without cutting into the bone. The rib cage and neck can be discarded or used for stock. Slice the belly off in strips as seen above and reserve for scallopini.

Break the backbone in two places and slice along the separations. My backbone cuts here are pretty fugly but you get the idea. Now that you have dismembered your prey in a brutal manner, it's time to subject its mangled carcass to high levels of heat before you consume it for fuel. Get ready to eat it.

Salvation Sandwich

Bacon
1 Egg
Cheddar Cheese
Redcoat Muffin
Mayo
3 Slices of Salami
8 Slices of Pepperoni

After a long night of dancing like a goddamn fool at the local trendy nightclub to whatever artistically devoid songs are at the top of the charts, the morning will demand deliverance from all those appletinis. Time to gather every pork product in the house and stack them on top of each other in a vain attempt at alleviation.

Cook the bacon, fry up the egg in the bacon grease, and melt the cheese on top. Toast the Redcoat muffin and slather on the mayo. Stack it all up and shove it in your stupid fat face.

Redemption never tasted so good. It's like Jesus bust a nut in your mouth and filled you will the Holy Spirit. Serve the Salvation Sandwich with a Bacon and Crab Bloody Mary for complete sanctification. Eat it.

Juicy Black Balls

Ground Beef
White Cheese
Blackened Spice Mix

These Juicy Black Balls are filled with a creamy white love that will explode all over your face shortly after you plunge them into your salivating orifice while your husband video tapes it from across the room. It's just like your average Wednesday night but with less Craigslist.

Flatten some ground beef, plop down a hunk of white cheese, place another piece of flattened ground beef on top, and form it into a big ball. Repeat. Roll them in the blackened spice mixture and sear them on the stove top over medium-high heat. Finish them off in a 350 degree oven.

Cradle the Juicy Black Balls in your cupped hand as you bring them to your awaiting and willing lips. It will take a few nibbles before you are greeted by the virile filling so don't be surprised when it busts in your mouth. Eat it.

Nutty Chocolate Pork Rods

4 Strips Bacon
2oz Dark Chocolate
1tbl butter
Diced Nuts

Chocolate covered bacon is nothing new but the common pleb stops there and if one is feeling particularly creative that person might add some sea salt. Don't fucking break your brains, guys. I, on the other hand, enjoy salty nuts so I got a few different kinds and had a four-way chocolate rod fest.

Cook your bacon in the oven at 375 degrees for 15 minutes. This way the bacon stays as flat as possible and cooks evenly. Make sure the bacon is nice and crisp. You don't want any limp pork rods. Over very low heat melt the butter and then stir in the chocolate until completely smooth. You can use a double boiler like a stupid shithead but it is completely unnecessary. Place the bacon strips on some wax paper and drizzle the chocolate over them. Top with the nuts and toss them in the fridge until hardened.

I used cashews, pistachios, Reece's Pieces, and pretzels. The latter two are not really nuts but whatever, I don't give a shit. You can copy me like a mindless idiot or you can think for yourself for once and add whatever the fuck you would enjoy on chocolate pork rods. Eat it.

Mister Crispy's America Melt

1c Creamy White Sauce

1c Swiss Cheese, grated

6 Strips of Bacon, cooked and torn into pieces

1 Fatty American Sausage, cooked and sliced

.523lb Chicken Breast, cooked and diced

3 Slices White Bread

The Croque Monsieur is a croque of shit. A grilled ham and cheese? Oh, that's fucking brilliant. Only morons still use that term because they think that by saying ridiculous French words in a butchered accent they will sound cultured. Well guess what? I got culture coming out of my ass and it's called being a goddamn American. We make our own shit that is bigger and better than the crap the rest of the world makes and we don't give them idiotic names. Behold Mister Crispy's America Melt.

Mix the swiss cheese with the creamy white sauce. Mix all the meat products and toss with 1/2c of the cheesy sauce. Butter both sides of each slice of bread and pan fry them until golden brown. Take two slices and slather with cheesy sauce, top with the meat, and finish off with the rest of the cheesy sauce. If you are too fucking dumb to figure it out, one slice should remain dry. Put the meaty cheesy bread under the broiler until it browns and then make a damn sandwich.

The next time you hear someone order a Croque Monsieur at a restaurant, get up, throw your chair to the ground, and say "This is the greatest country in the history of human civilization and we eat Mister Crispy's America Melts not some bullshit grilled ham and cheese you fucking commie bastard!" Eat it.

Stuffed Log With A Creamy White Sauce

1 Yellow Onion, diced

3 Garlic Cloves, minced

6oz Fresh Spinach

2 1/2c Swiss Cheese, grated

1/2lb Chicken Breast, cooked and chopped

6 Bacon Strips, cooked and torn into pieces

Bread Dough

1/2 Stick of Butter

1/4c Flour

3c Milk

1tsp Salt

This stuffed log is sure to please your lady of the hour especially when she gets a taste of the salty creamy white deliciousness you exploded all over the dish. Don't skimp on the sauce since the ladies are always impressed by overabundance. Trust me.

Saute the onion and garlic in some oil until fragrant and then throw in the spinach until slightly wilted. Remove from heat and stir in the cheese, chicken, and bacon. Divide your dough in half and roll each half out into a rectangle. Spread the filling out evenly, roll it over itself, and tuck the edges underneath to prevent any leakage. Place the logs seam side down on a pizza stone and bake at 450 degrees for 15 minutes.

Melt the butter over medium-low heat and whisk in the flour. Stir constantly for a few minutes and then slowly whisk in 3c of whole milk and 1tsp salt. Keep it over low heat until you reach your desired consistency. Deranged pretentious Francophiles call this a "béchamel" but since that sounds totally fucking stupid I call it a creamy white sauce.

Slice your stuffed logs widthwise and get your creamy white sauce all over that shit in short but powerful bursts. Be sure to have plenty of napkins on hand so it doesn't get all over your face. That would be embarrassing. Eat it.

Manaroni Pie

2 Eggs, beaten
1/2pt Heavy Cream
2c Cheese, miscellaneous
7oz Ham Steak, diced
6 Bacon Strips, cooked and torn into pieces
8oz Macaroni, cooked
1/8c Breadcrumbs


Macaroni and Cheese sucks ass. I don't give a shit what kind of sissy hipster cheeses you add, it still blows. In fact, that crap makes it worse. My Manaroni Pie only differs from the traditional Macaroni and Cheese in one respect: an excessive amount of pork products. Big fucking surprise, huh?

Toss the first six ingredients in a large bowl and turn the mixture into a 10in pie pan. Are you still following or was that too fucking difficult for you? Evenly top the pie with breadcrumbs and bake it at 350 degrees for an hour. After 45 minutes lightly cover the pie with tin foil so the breadcrumbs don't burn.

Next time your woman says "Let's have Macaroni and Cheese for dinner" you can now assertively reply with "Fuck that. I'm sick of cheeses with stupid names like Brie and Fontina. This is America dammit and I want me some Manaroni Pie." You're welcome. Eat it.