Tuesday, February 22, 2011
6 Slices of Bacon (or salt pork), sliced
1 Yellow Onion, chopped
2 Celery stalks, sliced
2 Cloves of Garlic, minced
4 Carrots, peeled and coarsely chopped
1c Red Wine
14.5oz Can of Diced Tomatoes
22oz Beef Broth
Here in the best country in the world we are incredibly wasteful and regularly fail to utilize every edible part of our livestock. Why? Because we can, motherfuckers. Suck it loser countries! Although I typically embrace such reckless abandon, I like to branch out and explore all the tasty flavors these succulent creatures have to offer rather than slaughtering a cow, cutting out one steak, and discarding the rest.
Brown the oxtail and bacon in a large pot. Add the vegetables until softened. Pour in the wine and cook it down until the liquid no longer tastes like booze. Pour in the tomatoes and broth, throw in the bay leaf, cover, and lightly simmer for a long ass time. Slow and low is the name of the game folks. For me the meat fell off the bone around the three hour mark. You can use fresh tomatoes but it is winter right now and winter tomatoes fucking suck shit. Serve over pasta and if you want to get all fancy pants you can sprinkle some flat leaf parsley on that bitch.
One point of contention I discovered was the use of red or white wine. Lots of people traditionally use white wine but just as many use red wine. I decided to use red wine since I never associate white wine with beef but apparently white is acceptable as well. Whatever. Do what you want, I don't really give a flying fuck. Eat it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
4 Mushrooms, diced
1 Apple Sausage, diced
1 Shallot, diced
1-2 Cloves of Garlic, diced
4 Slices Pancetta, diced
Stale Bread, torn into small pieces
1c Red Wine
16oz Chicken Stock
Flour, for thickening
Happy Valentine’s Day, Bitches! Today is the day that many of you will be confronted with a harsh reality check. You single ladies will realize that you are destined to die alone only to be found weeks later in your studio apartment crushed by your collection of antique dolls and 15 cats. You single guys will grapple with the fact that you may never feel the soft touch of a true woman because you are too busy sticking your dick in inanimate objects while staring at a life-sized cut-out of Princess Leia. Finally, those of you in a long-term committed relationship will continue to hate your miserable existence and live in denial while robbing yourself of any true fulfillment. Luckily, I don’t fall into any of these categories so fuck all y’all and your depressing ass lives. Sucks to be you.
Sauté the mushroom, sausage, shallot, and garlic in a small-medium Le Creuset until the sausage is cooked through. Remove from heat, add the pancetta and breadcrumbs, and let cool. Get out the quail and shove your index and middle finger up their asses and wiggle them around a bit to loosen those girls up. Reserve the blood. Cram your stuffing in there filling them to the brim. Brown on all sides in the same Le Creuset with a little butter and remove from pan. Deglaze with the red wine and bring to a simmer. Add the chicken stock and return to a simmer. Mix the reserved blood and a few tablespoons of the cooking juices with some flour to form a paste. Whisk into the Le Creuset until combined. Toss the little birdies back in, cover, and simmer over low heat until fully cooked.
Serve with roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I'm not going to tell you how I did it because if you can't figure it out for yourself you have much bigger problems on your hands than no fucking roasted garlic mashed potatoes. Be sure to place the lady birds in various erotic positions. This is sure to tickle your unyielding partner's fancy. Eat it.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
4oz Dark Chocolate
Double Stuff Oreos
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Peanut Butter Bacon Cookie Dough
Recently I have noticed a lot of people have been baking whole Oreo cookies into chocolate chip cookies and loudly proclaiming their stupidity. You think you’re stupid? Well guess what? I’m even more stupider. Even the true form of stupid can’t compete with my stupidness. So what did I do? I dipped Double Stuff Oreos in dark chocolate, covered them with chocolate chip cookie dough, covered again with peanut butter bacon cookie dough, took those cookies, baked them into a brownie, and served with ice cream. Boom.
Melt the chocolate and butter over very low heat. Dip the Oreos in the chocolate and set on parchment paper. When cooled, transfer to the freezer while you make the dough. Cover the chocolate Oreo in chocolate chip cookie dough. Cover that in the peanut butter bacon cookie dough. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. When the cookie cools, trim it into a square. Line a bread loaf Pyrex with aluminum foil and brush it with butter. Pour in half the brownie batter. Place down three square cookies. Cover with remaining batter. Bake it at 350 degrees for 54 minutes. Slice up the cooknie and plop down some ice cream.
What the fuck is up now, bitches? I just one-up’d your ass so bad you will not be able to walk right for the next week. What are you going to do? Nothing, that’s what. Eat it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Vegetable Oil, tiny splash
This creation was born on a lazy Sunday morning. Okay, afternoon. Okay, evening. Whatever. I found a ham steak and I immediately thought pineapple. Pineapple made me think of jalapeno (or sometimes habanero), which made me think of white onion, which made me think of lime, which made me think of cilantro. Just a little glimpse into the thought process of a super genius. I hope you learned something.
Soak your ham steak in some pineapple juice. Sprinkle both sides of the steak with sugar and pan fry. It is already cooked so don't fry the shit out of it like a dumbass. Mix the remaining ingredients in a small bowl and place atop the ham.
"How much of all that stuff should I use?" I don't fucking know. Just do it. Are you that sad and pathetic that you can't divorce yourself from a recipe and think? Just ask yourself "how much of X, would taste good with Y?" You're obviously not going to use one piece of pineapple, 6 limes, and 15 jalapenos. Use your fucking brain for once. Eat it.