Thursday, April 21, 2011
1lb Polyface Farms Ground Beef
Polyface is located in crappy Virginia but they are hailed as one of the premier sustainable farms in the nation. Each cow family has their own home on three acres. They ride around the property on golf carts, put on theatrical performances in the village square, and discuss the nature of existence at the cafe while drinking fine spirits. Basically these cows have it made, until judgement day.
I scored this amazing thespian/philosopher ground beef the other day so I called up one of my idiot friends to come enjoy it with me. Usually I bogart such high quality items but I needed buns and bacon and I didn't feel like going to the store. So this dumb motherfucker shows up with these ghetto ass piece of shit buns and quite possibly the lowest grade bacon I have ever used. What a moron. If it was not for his impressive incompetence, these would have been the best burgers ever.
Make your bacon and set aside. Salt and pepper the beef and form into three patties. I wanted to grill these bad boys but I didn't have access to a grill so I pan fried them. Place the patties in the bacon grease pan and cover. Cook for a while. Flip. Top with cheese. Cover. Cook. Remove from pan. Butter up some buns and broil them for a minute. Slather with mayo. Put everything together. Eat it.
Monday, April 18, 2011
6 Cadbury Creme Eggs, frozen
Chocolate Stout Batter:
1/2c Stout, chocolate or espresso/coffee
1.5tsp Peanut Oil, plus an assload more for frying
3/4tsp Baking Powder
Salt, a pinch
I heard that some stupid restaurant in DC has these fuckers on their dessert menu for the Easter season and I could not resist the temptation to make them myself. I have made deep fried Snickers bars in the past but deep fried Cadbury Creme Eggs? Fuck. Yeah.
Make your batter. Mix the wet ingredients. Mix the dry ingredients. Mix the wet into the dry. Done. Roll your frozen creme eggs in the batter and drop them into a pot of oil over medium heat. Make sure your oil is as hot as it is going to get before you start frying. Test it by dropping in a little blob of batter and seeing how the oil responds. Don't forget to have a friend standing nearby with a fire extinguisher in hand. Oh sorry, I forgot. You don't have any friends. Fry the battered creme eggs until they are golden brown and transfer them to a paper towel lined plate to cool. Do not use plastic utensils because they will melt in the hot oil and poison you. On second thought, only use plastic utensils.
These are even better than you think they are. "I think these sound like the best dessert ever!" Yeah, they're better than that. Jesus would be proud. Eat it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Years ago bacon moved into the realm of popular culture and has since been celebrated by people who otherwise wouldn't give a shit about food. There are bacon band-aids, bacon toothpastes, bacon candles, bacon soaps, and even bacon wallets. Bacon fucking wallets, people. Has bacon jumped the proverbial shark and become a meme, a gimmick, a sideshow or will this fad continue forever like the housing market? Are these bacon kitsch manufacturers akin to property investors who flip houses and artificially inflate the market or does fault lie at the level of the consumer? Are even people like myself to blame for this mass hysteria which is bound to crash and burn at some point in the future or is bacon as food here forever?
All these questions arose in my mind when I saw the eerie harbinger pictured above. Were my eyes deceiving me or did I just jump out of a Delorean to witness the future? It created more questions than answers and tore a rip in the fabric of my fragile universe. "Nice photography skills." Yeah, I'm going to stand there forever to get the perfect picture at a fucking funeral for some dude with the last name of bacon just to please you, asshole. Go fuck yourself. I'm not trying to get chased down the street by an angry mob of mourners, stupid. Anyway, what conclusion did I come to about the future of bacon? Who gives a shit? Now I just want some goddamn bacon. Eat it.