Shit on a Shingle OR Chipped Beef OR Doo-Doo River

3.5lb Chuck Cross Rib Roast

1/2 Stick Butter

1/8c Flour

1tbl Old Bay

1c Milk

Bread

Mayo

I unwisely asked the stupid Facebook idiots what I should make next and some dumbass named Bree suggested "shit on a shingle." My initial reaction was "yeah, right" but then I realized I had just about everything on hand to make said recipe. This dish is apparently a US military staple so I dedicate this recipe to every single service man and woman from this fine country and to a lesser extent our loser allies. Seriously though, I give you all a heartfelt thank you. You are braver than I.

Sear the steak over high heat until intensely browned on both sides. It will still be raw but don't worry about it. Remove from the pan, let cool, and slice as thinly as possible. Lower the heat significantly, toss in the butter, and deglaze. Once the butter is completely melted, dump in the flour and Old Bay. Stir all that shit around for a minute or two and then add the sliced beef. Cook until thickened. Slather both sides of the bread slices with mayo. Pan fry until browned.

Place the browned mayo bread down and top with the beef and sauce. Now it's time to kill some brown people in the name of freedom. Eat it.

Pan Fried Soft-Shelled Blue Crabs with a Gherkin and Ramp Aioli

Face Fucked Soft-Shelled Blue Crabs

Dry White Wine

Fresh Lemon Juice, a small squeeze

Ramps, minced

Egg Yolk

Dijon

Fresh Lemon Juice, a small spritz

Gherkin Juice

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Gherkins, minced

Ramps, minced

Flour

Fancy Lettuce

Anyone can fry some soft-shelled crab, throw it on a hoagie, top it with remoulade, and call it a day but I shoot for the motherfucking stars. I did a flash white wine marinade, fried them, and topped with a true aioli flavored with gherkins and ramps. People who add shit to mayo and call it an aioli should have their foreheads seared with a branding iron that reads "Fucking Fraud." Furthermore, those Frenchie poofters call gherkins "cornichons" but that's because they have their heads so far up their asses they can see daylight. This is the US of fucking A and we speak American here. It's a goddamn gherkin.

Mix up all the ingredients in the white wine marinade, pour it over the crabs, and let them soak for 16 minutes. In the fridge, stupid.

In the meantime, get out your mortar and pestle and smash up the egg yolk, a small amount of dijon, a spritz of lemon juice, and some gherkin juice. Pour in the extra virgin olive oil at the speed of evolution while pounding it out to emulsify. If your sauce is broken, and it will be, you poured the olive oil in too quickly. To remedy, add another egg yolk and break out the cheater whisk. Taste as you go and when the flavors are right, add the gherkins and ramps, cover it, and toss in the fridge.

Pull out your crabs and dredge in flour. Shake off the excess flour and pan fry in hot ass vegetable oil for 4 minutes and 13 seconds per side. If you boil or steam soft-shelled crab you will have a disgusting mushy mess on your hands and everyone will laugh at you, again. Transfer to a paper towel lined plate to cool.

Plate on a bed of fancy lettuce and top with your aioli. Yes, you can consume the whole fucking thing. That's the point, genius. Eat it.

How to Face Fuck a Soft-Shelled Blue Crab

I heard via the twitters that there would be soft-shelled blue crab at the farmer's market today. I shook off my hangover, grabbed an iced coffee, had a smoke, and ran over there to lay claim. I retrieved four feisty specimens and returned home to figure out what the fuck to do with them. Much to my surprise, and delight, I discovered they should be trimmed and carved while still alive. Hell yeah.

To make things more interesting I pounded a shitload of bourbon before doing this in order to bring out my primal blood lust instincts. If you don't have the stomach to do shit like this, give up eating meat and become one of those sissy ass vegans. If you are not capable of killing it, you shouldn't have the pleasure of eating it. Start by taking a small pairing knife and face fucking the live crab. If you flip through these pictures quickly you can see the crab's legs flail as it writhes in agony. Conversely, if you look at them backwards you can watch me reattach the crab's face with only a knife. David Blaine, bitches.

Next, flip back the soft shell on each side and scrape out the gills/lungs/whatever with the backside of the knife as they are inedible. Do not be surprised if the crab is still moving in a vain attempt at survival.

Pull back the tail thing and cut it off at the base of the top shell.

Pick up the limp, involuntarily twitching crab carcass and squeeze all the gross shit out the gaping hole where its ugly face used to be.

Done. Now you are ready to cook this fucker and consume its entire body. Don't eat it, yet.

Shrimp and Grits

Shrimp
Water
Old Bay

Lardo/Fatback
Fresh Lemon Juice
Garlic, minced
Flour

Grits
Butter
Cheddar Cheese, grated

Poached Egg

For years shrimp and grits was exactly that: shrimp and grits. Recently a bunch of self-righteous asshats started gussying it up with all sorts of bullshit so they can feel better about themselves. For this recipe I have provided you the backbone of shrimp and grits. What you choose to do with it is your own fucking business but remember that there is beauty in simplicity.

Shell and devein the shrimp. Toss the shrimp with Old Bay and put them back in the fridge. Reserve all the shells and tails in a pot and pour in water until the shells are covered. Throw in some Old Bay for good measure. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for about 45 minutes. Strain the juice through a sieve and set aside. When you pour the stock into the sieve, make sure there is a bowl underneath it to catch the liquid. I can just visualize you pouring it right down the drain.

Dice up the lardo and pan fry until lightly browned. You can use some other type of fatty pork product but I just had a bunch of this shit on hand. Pour in a very small amount of lemon juice and a few cloves of minced garlic. Stir it around for a minute and then add your shrimp. When the shrimp are a second away from being fully cooked, dump in a spoonful or two of flour. Stir it around for a minute or so and then add the reserved shrimp stock. Let it reduce for a few minutes and remove from heat.

If you didn't have a tiny bird brain in that oversized melonhead of yours, you would have already started making your grits. When they are done, stir in a shitload of butter and cheese.

To fancy mine up I added a poached egg. Everything is better with a poached egg. Even an over-easy or sunny side up egg on top of the shrimp pile would have been pretty badass. As for you, just don't get too crazy with the edible flowers. Eat it.

The Hot Carl...Winslow

1/2 Baguette, sliced lengthwise

1 Thin Cheap Steak

Mozzarella, thinly sliced

Red Onion

Tomato

Spinach

Mayo

As many of you already know, my goal in life is neither fame nor fortune. My single aspiration, my calling, is to surpass the iconic Steve Urkle Facebook fan page in "likes." I know this is a lofty dream, but I believe it can be achieved through diligent hard work and a little luck. In celebration of being 1/16th of the way there, I made "The Hot Carl...Winslow."

Sear the steak, flip it over, cover it with cheese, put a lid on the pan, turn off the heat, and let it sit for a minute so the cheese melts. Slather up the baguette with mayo, plop down the steak, and add your toppings. It's time for you to "go home, Steve" because I'm after you, motherfucker. Eat it.

Cinco de Stupido Scramble

Bacon, lots

8 Eggs

Chili Powder

Ground Red Pepper

Black Beans

Fresh Spinach

Optional Toppings:

Tomato

Red Onion

Salsa

Sour Cream

Cheese

Avocado

Any Other Mexican Crap

I fucking hate all these goddamn ethnic holidays that are just pitiful excuses for dumbasses to get blackout drunk on shitty booze and puke all over the sidewalk. The only excuse I need to get fucked up is the harsh pain of existence. I refuse to wear some stupid sombrero and drink sissy ass blended margaritas. Give me straight bourbon with a existential nightmare back. That's the American way.

Fry up your bacon, remove from the pan, and lower the heat. In a large bowl, whisk the eggs with the spices and a little salt and pepper. Pour the eggs into the pan with the black beans and crumble up the bacon on top. Grab a couple handfuls of fresh spinach and throw it in the pan. Scramble all that shit together until the eggs are fully cooked and not a second longer. Top with whatever Mexican garnish you please. "Can I top it with cheese filled hot dogs and ketchup?" You never fail to surprise me. Sure, why the fuck not? Eat it.

Maryland Blue Crab Spread

Maryland Blue Crab, cleaned and picked over

Cream Cheese, softened (If you use fat free cream cheese, you are letting the terrorists win)

A Tiny Bit of Butter, melted

A Very Tiny Spritz of Fresh Lemon Juice

Fake Ass Old Bay

Fresh Chives, chopped

This weekend I took a trip to the Dupont Farmer's Market again. As usual I had no idea what I was going to purchase and no particular dish in mind. After completing my reconnaissance work, I honed in on a seafood vendor pitifully attempting to push a bag of ten Maryland blue crabs for $2 since the market was about to close. I swooped in like a bird of prey and snatched my prize in my razor sharp talons. The vendor then poured a spice mixture into a ziploc bag for me and the chick I happened to be with that morning said "perfect, he loves Old Bay." The vendor replied that it was not Old Bay but a seafood spice mixture from Boston and it was "much better." I scoffed, snorted, and erupted in cackling laughter. "Surely you jest, old lady. Nothing is better than Old Bay." After an intense back and forth I agreed to at least try it.

I had a fresh baguette so I thinly sliced it and made a crab spread. Mix the first four ingredients. Put it on the bread. Sprinkle with impostor Old Bay and top with chives. Done. How fucking hard was that? Not very. I do have to admit that the spice mixture was pretty damn good, but it was no Old Bay. Nice try old lady. Eat it.